The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Hi all!

So nasal spray: wtf is that about? Either it's really hard or I am an idiot.

Of course we did establish upthread that I am an idiot re: drug delivery. But still - I cannot get the right dose or in the right place. Not sure it's working at all.

Any advice?

Thanks Laura. We're going to have a new niece born any minute now. They only started trying in February so I'm finding it really tough. I get how you feel. Yet I still to trite myself by doing the baby shopping, and dreaming that one day it will be my own I'm shopping for.

Potatoes, sorry I can't be any help with the nasal spray as didn't have one myself, have always wondered how accurate it is after hearing others talk about it though. Xx

Have you been checked out for polycystic ovarian syndrome? Might be an obvious thing to say but it's one of the top causes and it's absolutely dealable with in many cases with drugs and diet.

If you want a morale boost, try watching Charlotte's story with the same struggle on Sex and the City. There's a line that I'm trying to recall that says Charlotte had won at everything in her life...except the marriage and baby thing. It's super tough for those of us who always made everything else turn out right not to be able to control something so profoundly important to us. But eventually it all works out for Charlotte. She adopts and then falls pregnant, too! If you really want to be a mother you will be. Just keep repeating that to yourself. Pls remember there is no upper age limit for adoption any more either.

I HAVE FOUND MY TRIBE!

3 years TTC, endometriosis and blocked tubes, DH with slightly low morphology but other numbers good. 2 fresh and 2 frozen icsi cycles this year, none have worked (the two frozen cycles both ended in chemical pregancies, the latter of which happened last weekend).

We were actually feeling ok about it all (obv v sad but looking forward to taking some time off next year, going travelling etc) - and then last night DH's brother and his wife have just announced they are expecting a second baby in June. I would have been due around now if my first chemical had stuck. Not in a good place at the moment AT ALL, but reading through this thread has really helped and made me feel much less alone.

Obviouslly it's shitty that any of us are here, but it helps to read about other people's experiences.

Wine, anyone?

HI Angelica! Sorry you've had such a shit journey til now, and we welcome you.

Fucking hideous isn't it?

I'm now about 5 days late, no symptoms whatsoever and still BFN. Should just book an appt at GP so that sod's law kicks in and I get af with a vengeance.

Woke up at 4am feeling a bit sick, and dog drinking his own weight in water...4.30am thought there was a funny smell so get up to investigate and found that hound had shit in my slipper. First time ever. Isn't that just a metaphor for life?! I quite liked those slippers, too....

Karla YES drink and be merry and put it off for a month. You'll be glad of it!

Sling YES! I'm quite a proficient, capable human and yet can't manage this fairly simple task. It's so frustrating but yet I feel that there are good things ahead!

Potatoes absolutely no bloody idea. Sorry!

at everyone else, hope you crazy lot are ok xx

Laura the shit in the slipper. Wow. That's it isn't it. You go through life, doing well at everything - put in adequate work = succeed. Eat less and exercise = lose weight. Study hard = achieve decent A levels. Do what your boss wants, with a smile = promotion. Then you try to have a baby, the thing which should be the least effort of all, and the dog comes and shits in your slipper.

At least it was the slipper and not directly on the carpet, nice one, hound!

Slingmomma - sorry love, I know you mean well, but the Charlotte storyline is the classic 'we gave up trying and boom it happened'.

My period is due tomorrow. Had a couple of cramps, and a glass of wine and half a family sized bag of Cheez Doodles (google them. the Swedish ones). No exercise. Just getting fat and sitting on my arse. Then I watched '18 Kids and Counting' because I'm mental. Although not as mental as the parents, who clearly have their own issues, having both been adopted. Lots of tears over a stillborn, which of course is horrid, but get some perspective. It was pregnancy 18. 17 easy pregnancies before that. I didn't really feel sympathetic, but that's because 2 years of this shit has made me into an evil hag and I don't give a fuck.

Agree with buying baby shite for the instadiffs. Order it off Amazon, get it delivered direct to their house, choose gift wrap option, and make some excuses. Any excuses. To be honest, they will be so wrapped up with newbornness they won't really notice for the first few months, and thereafter maybe try to ensure if you see them, it's a group session and have an excuse why you need to shoot off.
Anything.
Here's one: 'oh my god, that's a text from my neighbour.. there is water pouring from my house directly into their garden' (this happened to me, the stopcock in the water tank went kaput so water was pouring out over their fence & onto their patio) 'I'm going to have to go! So sorry'

This is the sort of ready shit you need to be able to pull to extradite yourself from baby situations. It's not bad or wrong to do this, it's for your own sanity. Mind you, I'm a horrible miserable cow, and probably not one to emulate.

Boozy lunch tomorrow. Period starting. Merry fucking Christmas.

Icy - omg I watched a bit of 18 kids too 'I resigned myself to the fact that baby 18 will probably be our last' oh shut up. Lol! Xx

I could not watch 18 kids and counting! Fucking selfish bastards.

angelica sorry to hear about your chemical pregnancies - have they indicated why they think it keeps happening? My last ivf was a chem pg too and it was pretty devastating.

Icy your approach is probably a sanity saviour - I think I set myself up for upset by pretending it's all fine.

Laura shit in the slipper - that sums up my life! I did chuckle. Is your dog an actual hound? I have a bonkers greyhound, and she barked at 1.45am this morning because she needed a shit, in the middle of the bloody night!!

Potatoes I think everyone doing the sniffing feels like it is somehow not working if that's any reassurance??! Good luck!

karla seriously just fuck it and have a few drinks I say!

Hope everyone else is doing ok. Fuck all to report here, still being kept hanging by my incompetent FC.

thanks for the reassurance tiger

Am mid bleed which I think is a withdrawal bleed from down regging (either that or it's all going wrong). My GP has lost some blood test results so now it's a race to get tests redone before I start with the needles in a week (won't be allowed to stat without the results). I feel yuck. Really fat/bloated. Blaming it on the drugs but it's blatantly because I'm hoovering up the xmas chocs and cakes at work.

I agree about Charlotte icy , an entire series plotline devoted to reinforcing a really fucking annoying misconception (ha ha). Just relax and you'll find the perfect kid to adopt and get Preggers simultaneously, what a twist.

My former infertility friend became a mum this week. I'm happy for her but I cried when I got the news. She described how it was having brekkie with her baby in hospital and it just sounded like this bubble of warmth and love and I thought, that's what I'm waiting for. It's like she's crossed to the other side: where we used to commiserate each other on counting cycle days, endless pregnancy tests and weird things to try, now our other friends are giving her breastfeeding advice and consoling her that crying all the time post birth is normal. Made me feel properly shit. So I ate a fuck load of chocolate and skived off while "working from home".

Cheers

Icy I think you've got exactly the right attitude for this shit! I have a baby shower to go to in Jan - there WILL be an emergency and I will take your advice by ordering something online and having it delivered all wrapped and ready. Out of sight is out of mind.

Af came for me yesterday - just a whole 7 days late. No symptoms - just took a wee break between work and there it was. Merry fucking Christmas to me too!

I resorted to one of those stupid 'what will come to you in 2016' pre-determined, algorithm'd things on fb earlier hoping it would say a baby hahahaha. It didn't. Although it did say a windfall. Winning the lottery would mean immediate treatment in Barbados I think!

My 'infertility mate' IRL has gone off-radar. Convinced she's preggo. Ha. Pleased for her really if she is; she's got appreciation for the efforts at least.

Right - off to put up the tree and drown myself in Chambord and chocolate!

lauraqc yeah its tricky when former confidentes go awol. Must be difficult for them thinking how will they break the news (maybe one day l'll find out what that's like! ) but you just know when daily updates become vaguer and more infrequent that an announcement is imminent. Prepare your happy face!

Hi ladies, I've not been on this thread for a while was trying to be positive but I'm back. I feel like shit. I've been trying to avoid Xmas but can't really do that any more, bought a couple of presents over the weekend then had a full on melt down last night. It was December 2012 I came off the pill and in all that time not even a sniff of a bfp. Something is very wrong.

We're going to the canaries for 5 nights for Xmas as I needed to get away after the disaster that was last year, but I feel guilty about going. Maybe I'll just stay there, that would be nice..

Ah coops I'm on the same timeline as you. Christmas is a tough time of year. We started TTC at the same time and all I have to show for it is a chemical pg post ivf. I am lining up my second cycle for Feb. I'm just stuck in a low level misery about it all these days.

We did the canaries last year for Christmas, it was lovely. I hope it gives you a good break.

laura I think I've asked the magic 8 ball once or twice! windfall would be good - the money issue is just one of the stressful aspects of ivf.

potatoes being on the outside looking in is a horrible feeling. I hope your turn is coming. How is your cycle going?

Seem to spend a lot of time feeling slightly awkward at child focussed events at the moment - not having a kid to chase around, plus everyone else is too busy to chat.

I got shitfaced on Friday. Didn't eat enough of the lunch. Why eat when you can drink?! Sitting at the lunch, talking to bloke next to me about his kids and then my OHs kids. "Do you want your own" he asked. I just said "oh I'd love to, but I can't". At that actual moment the bloke hosting announced a "drinking fine to anyone who's wife has just had a 12 week scan". It was at this point I abandoned food altogether and just got on it. Can remember telling some random bloke about being barren, how 2016 is the year of IVF, how the only support I get is on mumsnet (and how that's ironic given not a mother), what BESH stands for and how if IVF doesn't work I may well jack in surveying and got get a job at kuoni and rinse lots of holidays because 'I'm so geared up to a life change having a baby, if that doesn't happen then I'll need something else'. No idea who i told all this shit to. At least I didn't cry.

Icy clearly there was no other choice than to get shitfaced. I salute you. Lots of honest stuff comes out when you're hammered so hold on to the Kuoni thing in the back of your mind...

We were meant to go and visit a newborn on Saturday - DH's close friend. I wasn't looking forward to it. They actually cancelled on us - apparently she'd had a meltdown that the house wasn't tidy for us and nearly called divorce. Bless them - no matter what we've got we always want more/different. Human nature I guess!

What does BESH stand for...?!?!?!

Oh ladies I am sorry I left this thread!! I tried and promised I wouldn't post re this shitty situation I am in but reading what's been going on I felt I had to!!
What's the point in bottling it all when there is lovely ladies going through exactly the same thing.
Shit that we have to be here but I am glad I am not alone when it comes to feeling bitter, sad and pissed off.
Still managed to have a little giggle at some of the stuff you have been through, the things we have to deal with!! But also very sorry to see some bad news xx
laura shitty slipper really sums it up!
Hello Angelica I too have dodgy tubes, currently waiting to have them removed to start IVF in Feb. Very anxious about the whole thing,but really want it doing. I am so scared it could massively go wrong and I wake up with no ovaries . Was this Op offered to you?

have the lot ladies!! Xx
Oh and F-You Xmas, not even bothered to put A tree up this year. What's the point? Would only be me and DH to look at it

Icy.. I have so far avoided the getting bladdered situation as I'm worried I might blab. But then so what if I do? The only reason I haven't so far is because I don't want to make other people feel awkward! How ironic as I have to sit and listen daily to people banging on about what their kids need for Christmas and how expensive it all is. Today someone I haven't seen for ages (and don't really know) turned up to a meeting I was at. The last time I saw her she definitely wasn't 5 months pregnant but by god did I know about it today. She sat directly in front on me with her stomach popping out her tight dress. She rubbed her stomach constantly until someone (not me) asked how far gone she was. So what!! Who the fuck cares!!! Felt like butting in and telling them about how far along the road of infertility I am. That's way more interesting! Not..
Welcome back pebbles as you can see we are all still slightly bitter and twisted here so come join the party

Thanks karla I've been trying to put it to the back of my mind until I get the op letter in Jan! But it impossible to forget it all. Especially when you get baby bombed all the bloody time. I was sat minding my own business the other day, then ping goes by phone, a fucking picture of a newborn baby from my SIL. So what if a cousin of hers has had a child, I don't care I deleted it straight away.
I am so awful lately, my infertility friend in work who has been trying the same amount of time as me and just starting investigations has kept me a little sane. But now I am worried she'll get pregnant soon, I've just introduced her to clear blue fertility tests, she's amazed by the flashy smiley face when you OV (lucky cow, I waste so much money on them with my PCOS).
I was away for the works Xmas party and have been casually asking whether she was drunk or not, I am convinced she'll be preggo Very soon!! I am mental at the moment
To add to this shit my very insensative friend has invited me and DH round for Xmas eve drinks. What's wrong with that you ask, she said we can help wrap presents for her two adorable children.. Erm, no thanks and she knows I've been trying since my wedding nearly 2 years ago! How mean, I'll drop their presents off and leave.
I plan to drink myself silly over the next two weeks and be kind to myself before my next hurdles arrive in 2016.
On the plus side I've managed to get AF back to a 35 day cycle after not having AF for 8 months. I was so happy with myself. But still no ov and a blocked tube.
I am putting it down to completely giving up caffeine and myo inositol powder, I will never give up chocolate

"Help wrap presents for her two adorable children"?!!!! Lazy bitch. Fuck that shit - "sorry I have to go home and drink heavily" throws presents at house from moving car

Sometimes icy when I read your posts, I wish there was a Like button on mumsnet.

icy, how's work been since? Any awkward conversations or not, because, men? And I second the throwing presents at house from moving car motion

Well done on the 35 day cycles pebbles, I used inositol for about 18 months, got nice and regular, then stopped and cycles fucked up again after 3 months. Obviously not meant to have natural cycles so might have to start again

karla me too, I'm getting to the point where I almost don't care who knows now though. The only only only reason I'm being careful is I plan to get a new job ASAP in the new year and if my boss caught wind of my situation she'd tell anyone who asked for a reference, because that's the type of person she is

laura - BESH = bitter evil selfish hag

All for the Bad Santa drive-by. At least you keep your sanity.

Coop - they weren't colleagues - it was with an agency and I'm the client, so they need to suck it up and be nice to me - winner. Also means my boss didn't hear the tirade. Your boss sounds like a bellend. Hope her kitchen floods on xmas morning.

Period had started on the Friday, which made the whole thing an extra reason to abuse the free wine.

Currently skiving off work. Had site meeting at 9, was done by 9.40, home for 10.40 so stuck a wash on, waiting for that to finish before I get the train in. I love stolen moments of time like this, breaks the week up.

Have sacked off clomid this month; it makes fuck all difference and my ovaries hurt and swell during ovulation which is quite scary. Trying to remember to stick to the metformin. Going to call the IVF clinic now and see what they say in terms of starting up etc in the New Year. Christmas present to myself is IVF. And no doubt it'll e 2 rounds. Which won't work. Would be better off accepting it now and buying a Birkin, or a new kitchen.

Boss: my brother has just told me (oh, here we go) that he's expecting another child
Me: (deadpan) that's nice

Cunt.