Just had to lock myself in the toilets at work to cry

[HandbagCrazy]

I'm not a horrible person, honestly I'm not. But DH just called to say that yet another of our friends is expecting. I didn't know what to say so I went to the toilets and cried. I've never cried in work before - never mind proper sobs that I had to drown out by flushing the loo. I felt like I couldn't breathe. And now I've calmed down I feel like a cow. Our friends have been together for 8 years, they're lovely people and it's great that they're going to have a baby

But deep down I keep thinking this isn't fair. And it's too hard.

Relevant info - me and DH have been trying for 16 months. I have pcos. Had numerous stupid delays before getting to a specialist. I'm on day 100+ in my cycle and on metformin (which makes me feel awful). I'm 29. And these friends are the 3 rd set to announce pregnancy in the last 2 months. And we have 3 other friends who have had babies in the last 6 months.

Don't know what I want. Just to get it off my chest I guess. My colleagues don't know I'm trying so I can't say anything here.

I'm sure someone else with experience of this will come along soon but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered in the meantime - you're right, its shit. Unmeasurably crap and unfair and so tough.
Can you get out of the office for any reason and get some fresh air for 5 minutes? What time do you finish? Can you think of anything to do tonight that'll even help a tiny bit, bath/good cry/wine?
Have you seen anyone medically?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. What you described reminded me of myself many years ago now. I fell to pieces at work when a colleague announced her pregnancy in the coffee room. I managed to get to the toilet before sobbing, but was completely unable to get control of myself. Eventually I went out for a long walk but still felt unable to continue working, so told the receptionist at my work that I was ill and went home. Obviously she could see that I was dreadfully upset, but thankfully she was discreet.

What you are experiencing is a completely normal reaction to the terrible stress you are under. I think it is true that people who have never experienced infertility can not really comprehend how it hurts. For me it was the constant cycle of hope, disappointment and despair that just seemed to go on and on. It is unfair, and you have my utmost sympathy.

I am not sure from your op whether you are having any fertility treatment (down to my ignorance more than anything), but I wish you strength and luck. Hopefully your DH is supportive and understanding, and will be able to comfort you this weekend. I know it is really horrible to go through, but one way or another you will eventually reach a resolution, and be able to move on with the rest of your life, and the pain you are in now will be in the past.

Best wishes OP xx

Thank you both. We are at the very beginning of the tests etc with a view to getting treatment. It's just taking ages. And every now and again I let myself get lost in my hormone symptoms and imagine we're pregnant and then it crashes.
At work, I managed to say I felt ill and went outside on a bench for half hour but had to go back. I just struggle because I don't know who to talk to. I feel so horrible to think/feel the things I do that I can't say them out loud except to DH who gets upset at seeing me upset and we both end up feeling awful together.
I'm on my way home now. I've bought myself dognuts (to cheer myself up even though I shouldn't) and have calmed down a lot. I've even managed to text my friends and congratulate them.
But again, thank you for being so nice. It's reassuring to know this is normal because I've never felt stres like this before and I feel like I'm losing all perspective

I remember that feeling well. It's horrible because it's also accompanied with guilty feelings because you want to be happy for your friends but it's hard because they're getting the one thing you want.
I think the other thing that makes struggling with fertility so hard is that no one talks about it so it feels lonely too.
I wish I could say something that would make you feel better because I remember how hard I found it but I know there isn't anything. Just wanted to wish you all the best and I hope you get there soon.

It's crap, isn't it. Years ago just after I had a short lived pregnancy I went to babysit for a friend I hadn't seen for a few weeks and she opened the door, baby bump visible, smiling brightly. Lovely surprise! When she left I collapsed sobbing on her sofa. There was also a woman at work who had the same due date as I would have had and I saw her baby bump growing every day until she went on mat leave. I had all these desperate feelings too. I so hope it happens for you xx

It is utterly shit. We are in cycle #25. We've had all the tests, I have one blocked tube, sent away to try longer and consider ivf.
A colleague has had 3 babies while I've been trying to have one. It is unspeakably shit.

Thank you Magpie
Oh Princess, that sounds awful :(
to you

I try and be upbeat about it most of the time. We are friends with another couple who have been trying for almost 5 years and are about to start IVF. They are shells of the people they were - all our friends who have become pregnant are afraid to tell them as the wife gets very upset very publicly. I am desperately trying not to be like that.

It sounds stupid but I didnt expect to feel like this. I thought it would be hard but that it would be sort of insular between me and DH. It didnt occur to me that other people would be ttc too - and that it would work and make me feel so bad. And i think you're right - its so lonely not being able to talk about it. Ive talked and talked and talked to DH but he is annoyingly upbeat and supportive unless im upset and that makes him upset for me, but apart from one friend (who miraculously got pregnant by accident with a partner who has long standing fertility issues), I keep most of the feelings in, and then they spill out at random like today

three - it is shit. I agree. i think we're only in cycle 8 (in 16 months as mine are so long) but its so frustrating. we started ttc at the same time as a couple we know. they got pregnant within a month. Their little one is almost 6 months old and they are planning out when to have dc2

It is unbelievably shit, and completely normal to feel like this. I worked in HR during the 8 years we were TTC, so was the first point of contact for employees to tell they were pregnant. On more than one occasion I sobbed in the toilet. In fact one day when a colleague brought in her new baby, there were two of us in there both crying uncontrollably.

I have no advice I'm afraid. Other than to say that true friends will understand if you do choose to talk about it. Sending you a big hug.

I echo what the others said, it's a totally normal reaction. Been there myself so many times, and even though I was always pleased for people, I also felt uncontrollable grief for what I couldn't have myself. Good luck with everything xxx

I've been there. One thing that helped me was telling myself that I didn't want their baby, I wanted mine who would be much cuter .

It took us 3 years to the month to get a bfp that stuck and those three years were the hardest of my life.

Handbag your feelings are totally normal it's a tough road to travel. Have you checked with the infertility network uk to see if there is a support group running near you?

Eurochick that made me smile

I'm so sorry there are so many people who know how this feels - but feel a bit less lonely now, and a lot less guilty. & for all of you

Madrigals I thinks pcos is like a secret condition - it's supposedly common but I'd never heard of it before the gp mentioned it

When DH got home he'd clearly been thinking along the same lines as me. I showed him the donuts and he handed me chocolate :) so that's something I guess. I'm annoying fb though - too many scan pics and "pregnancy is so hard" posts. It probably is hard but I want it so badly

• avoiding fb

HandbagCrazy,

What you are feeling is totally normal. Subfertility, be it primary or secondary, is something that not many people do talk about openly even these days. But there is support and help out there.

I was you once and PCOS is definitely a PITA of a condition to have. Like yourself as well, I'd never heard of PCOS before I was told I had this condition. I had to learn and learn fast!.

The link below may well help you further as they are informative and also provide a listening ear:-

www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/

I would find out as much as possible about PCOS if you have not already done so because knowledge is power and this could also be helpful to you when it comes to making treatment decisions.

www.verity-pcos.org.uk is a very good website as well for you to look at too.

When do you next see the specialist; it is vital as well that the three of you can work as a team. Also continuity of care is vitally important. Have they suggested anything other than Metformin?.

Any other questions just ask.

Attila thank you. I'll have a good look at the websites tomorrow when I have a day off.
I am trying to learn about the condition. I've researched online a little and bought myself a book about it, the effects and treatment options. It just seems like such a vast condition that it's hard to know where to begin, so I've started with the basics of eating healthily, trying to get my weight under control as monitoring my symptoms.

As for the specialist, she doesn't seem overly helpful to me. I got the impression that she sees thousands of women like me and we all blend into one another. She half terrified me in the first meeting by pointing out that at my current weight I'm unsuitable for IVF, then fed me loads of information in a 10 minute appointment and told me I need a HSG(?) and follow up scan before she'll see me again. But she prescribed metformin. It's lucky I had done the research before hand really as she didn't explain why she was prescribing them, just to start with 500mg and build up for 1500. And now thanks to me not being informed that my HSG referal hasn't gone through because of an infection everything has been delayed by about a month.
It's frustrating beyond words. The consultant receptionist told me this when I chased her up. The gp didn't know what I was talking about when I rang, and the letter from the consultant to the gp asking them to chase me up to get treatment and retested got lost.

I'm still working on a healthy way to manage the stress because at the moment it's effecting my sleep pattern and even my dreams!

I have also been in your position. I also have PCOS and conceived naturally after 16 months of trying but seemed like everyone I knew was pregnant in that time.
I particularly wanted to slap one of my colleagues who had got pregnant the first cycle of trying with her first child and was trying for the second which was taking longer. She had a it's my turn next to get pregnant rant at a cocktail night at a colleagues house which wound me up. Actually I was about 10 weeks pregnant when she went on maternity leave.
I really hope it works out for you but understand how hard it is when you can't seem to get the one thing you want.

HandbagCrazy

I hope you find the links helpful (I have PCOS also). PCOS is indeed a very individualistic disorder and it does affect each woman with it very differently. I am now a parent but it took about a year of visiting the hospital (I was there every first, second and fourth weeks of each month for blood tests and scans) before treatment was successful. I ended up having laparoscopic ovarian diathermy, this is a procedure that punctures the cystic follicles on the ovaries thus promoting ovulation. Its not a cure for PCOS and there is not one (infact the causes of PCOS are still not fully understood. Not all PCOSers for instance are insulin resistant).

I have had the HSG, its a useful test to have done and it is a tubal x-ray (its still around here somewhere) to determine whether the tubes are patent (open). Any deformities INSIDE the tube can only be seen on such an x-ray. It should not be painful at all providing the dye is injected both slowly and carefully. I was given two painkillers beforehand and a gown.

I would consider seeing another specialist now particularly if you at all feel this person is not helpful. It is vitally important that the three of you can work as a team. In my view she should not have mentioned IVF at the first meeting. BTW IVF is not readily recommended for PCOSers (ovarian hyperstimulation is a risk) and that should only be tried when all other treatment options have been exhausted. It may well be that you will not need IVF at all, it is certainly not a given.

BTW has your DH been tested, he should also have up to date test results. If he can attend future appointments this would be helpful because he can provide you with moral support as well as asking questions.

Any other questions do ask

A

I did the same thing, only at home... it's shit and I know exactly how horrible it can be.

Please don't feel bad about it, you've got the right to feel what you feel, for better or worse. It doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad friend (at least I hope not, because that would mean I'm a horrible aunt...).

We did conceive eventually, so there is hope. I wish you the very best of luck.

I also meant to add that our clinic recommended a counsellor specifically trained in fertility issues, maybe that's available your way too if you think it could be worth a try.

Yes I sympathise completely op. On Wednesday it will be three years exactly since we started TTC, we are now awaiting IVF and we should get to the top of the list next spring.

It is hard. Really fucking hard. I am currently working through some feelings having told one or two people about the IVF. I'm angry because when I say 'we are infertile and we're having IVF in February' people have (naturally and understandably) reacted by saying 'oh that's great you're having IVF, how exciting, something to look forward to and focus on etc'. Well, no actually, it's the culmination of years of horror and heartbreak. If someone tells you they have a broken leg and are having an operation to fix it, you don't say 'how wonderful, what a lovely thing to look forward to!' I think people see infertility as an inconvenience, rather than the all-consuming pain it can be for many

Anyway the only way I've gotten through the last three years (barely) is by focusing on the small things each month. A night out where I can drink wine, a day spent doing whatever I want, a purchase I would never make if we were expecting, an extra shot in my latte.... something tiny to get through each month.

Good luck. You may have a long road ahead (I really, really hope not) but prepare yourself for the long haul. That way if it happens sooner you will be pleasantly surprised

Attila - thank you again. You're telling me the same things as the specialist but in a way I understand!
I realised I had made a mistake in not taking DH to the appointment when he was asking me what they said and I got a little confused by all the information. As I didnt think I'd need him there for the initial appointment I told him not to worry and to go to work. He will be with me at future appointments though.
Also, he is being tested - he's had 2 so far but as there have been delays he is having another one in a few weeks. THere are no problems his end though.

Scandichick thank you :) The crying was a pure reaction to being told the news I think, as its not as upsetting now. However, I am finding myself avoiding our pregnant friends if at all possible. Its strange as there are certain people which really upset me (SIL is also pregnant and everytime i think of that I feel so jealous) and yet when my best friend told me she was pregnant last year, I was just happy for her

Solaia - I dont know what to say. Doing this for three years must have been so hard. I have my fingers crossed for your IVF treatment.
I think I havent told anyone really that we're trying because I dont want the reactions. I have friends who are in the same position as you, and the amount of times I've heard people say "i bet it'll happen when they least expect it" or "well now you're getting IVF its all sorted" etc. People can be so tactless.
And the idea of a treat to get through the month sounds like a good idea - I guess it can help keep me focused because I feel like im sort of drowning in the stress of it at the moment.

Can I also ask about chlomid - which as far as I can work out should be the next step, providing my tests come back clear. Is this right? Im going to look into possibly changing consultants if the next appointment isnt better but I would like to go in knowing what Im asking for so there arent any further delays

Clomid should be given with a degree of caution to PCOS patients as it can affect hormone levels markedly and thus impede fertilisation. It can encourage more LH to be produced, as many PCOSers have a higher than normal level of LH this can be the last thing needed. If you are given clomid ensure as much as possible that they think you are actually suitable to take it. (I was fortunate with my cons, he told me straight out that I was not suitable to take clomid).

Monitoring preferably via both blood tests and ultrasounds (to check that an egg is actually leaving the ovary) should be done. No monitoring is completely unacceptable; you would have no way of knowing whether it was working or not.

Sometimes clomid and met together can work well, is the cons thinking along these lines. I would also ask at this time about other treatment options; they should be able to tell you.