Just had to lock myself in the toilets at work to cry

[HandbagCrazy]

I'm not a horrible person, honestly I'm not. But DH just called to say that yet another of our friends is expecting. I didn't know what to say so I went to the toilets and cried. I've never cried in work before - never mind proper sobs that I had to drown out by flushing the loo. I felt like I couldn't breathe. And now I've calmed down I feel like a cow. Our friends have been together for 8 years, they're lovely people and it's great that they're going to have a baby

But deep down I keep thinking this isn't fair. And it's too hard.

Relevant info - me and DH have been trying for 16 months. I have pcos. Had numerous stupid delays before getting to a specialist. I'm on day 100+ in my cycle and on metformin (which makes me feel awful). I'm 29. And these friends are the 3 rd set to announce pregnancy in the last 2 months. And we have 3 other friends who have had babies in the last 6 months.

Don't know what I want. Just to get it off my chest I guess. My colleagues don't know I'm trying so I can't say anything here.

Handbag - just wanted to send my support. I've been there. I also have PCOS and TTC unsuccessfully for 2 years, during which time no less than 12 friends / close colleagues got pregnant and / or had babies. Each announcement was so hard to
deal with.
I ended up depressed and isolated myself from a social life. I even had some time off work with the stress. And my poor DH bore the brunt of my frustrations.
IVF gave us a happy ending. I know it doesn't for everyone sadly and only mention it to say that it can and does help some.
Things that helped me manage the infertility and stress included:

• hypnotherapy CDs, whether infertility specific or for general relaxation, especially if your sleeping is disrupted
• books - 'When You're Not

Expecting' and one by Anya Sizer but I can't recall the name of it

• planning it plenty of 'treats' for yourself and doing whatever relaxes you
• Face to face counseling. Get GP to refer you.

Have you looked at Infertility Network and Verity's websites? Lots of helpful resources there from people who understand. They run some local groups too.

Take care.

Sorry, have read thread and see I've cross posted a lot with others. Hope helpful anyway. x

Hi Handbag, I just wanted to add a few words to the (great and supportive) messages already posted.

I completely understand your pain, and think you did well to make it to the toilets before sobbing your heart out! I think it's perfectly fine and natural to have at least some feelings of resentment. It's great that you were able to be happy for your best friend. After about 9 months TTC my DH couldn't understand why I was crying after hearing that my best friend had got pregnant ONE MONTH after trying - he actually chuckled and asked if I was jealous! I could have punched him on the nose, but instead explained it to him. For all subsequent baby announcements he was much more sympathetic.

Now, after two and a half years of TTC, I've managed to find various coping mechanisms, and have avoided awkward outbursts. A few things I find useful:

• Telling one or two good friends what I'm going through. (I've actually told quite a few now, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend that!). I don't let it consume our friendship, we don't necessarily talk about it very often, but I know I can turn to them when I'm having a melt down and I don't have to worry about upsetting DH.

• Treats. As others have said, these can be a life saver. I started planning fun things to take our minds off it, particularly things we wouldn't do pregnant/with kids. Romantic sexy weekend break, horse riding or scuba diving when on holiday, which you can't do pregnant (we ended up just snorkelling, but it was still great!). Even going to the movies and recognising that we can enjoy it now without the worry of babysitters which we hope to have to worry about later.

• Getting out of the city - a long walk or bike ride in the woods - nothing very strenuous, but being closer to nature seemed to help me feel grounded, put things in perspective. Not everyone's cup of tea (including DH to be honest!)

• Allowing myself the moments to say "screw them, it's not fair that they get to have 3 kids, raise them badly, while we can't even have one." But not allow it to last too long.

• Take control - the worst part of this journey has definitely been the uncertainties, the total lack of control over the whole process, the being pushed around by doctors, specialists, clinics, etc not knowing what was happening next and what the timeline would be. Just as we thought the end was in sight another hurdle seemed to be put up infront of us. After around 18 months TTC I realised that this, more than anything, was making me desperately unhappy.

I sat down with DH and decided that we needed to take control of the situation by reading up, informing ourselves, but especially by not allowing ourselves to be fobbed off with empty answers. We took notes in every appointment (always using the same notebook to make it easier to keep track), read-up before an apt, made clear what Qs we had, what answers we needed, and agreed that one of us (usually DH) would focus on what the next steps would be. Importantly we went into meetings with consultants confident and clear that we didn't need to be grateful that they were seeing or treating us - this was their job and our right. That, more than anything else I think, helped me feel better about the whole thing.

I realise I've probably gone on far too long. I don't have PCOS and am due to start our first round of ICSI next month (crossing all fingers and toes!). While there's no reason why your journey should be as long or painful as mine, I hope you are able to get through it with your head held high and not too many dashes to the loos. It sounds like you've done brilliantly so far.

Best of luck to all the ladies still trying to keep it together on this tough jouney.

Thank you again to everyone who's posting. It's helping more than you know.
I feel a bit more refreshed after a relaxed weekend with DH and just taking the time to let it all settle a bit. Tbh I have a pcos book but I haven't read it much just lately - when I tackle it, it makes the problem seem so big that I get a bit overwhelmed I think, but I def agree that being informed is going to be invaluable so I'll get back to it this evening.

I also think I'll be stealing the idea of notes at appointments and getting DH to ask the questions. I always go in with a plan but I get easily confused by the sheer amount of info that they provide that I forget to ask. DH wouldn't do that - he is fantastic at being thorough and accepting nothing less than full answers!

Attila - I wasn't aware of that about clomid. I just assumed that would be next. Tbh I'm a bit worried about my blood tests. They took some months ago, then again at the hospital. My results said that if they were taken on day 10 then I'm not ovulating but they were taking on day 96!!! I had a high result for something else and was told to have them done again, but the gp has said I have to wait to be on day 21 before they will redo them and I have no way of knowing when that will be. Does that sound right to you?

rumple thank you - you wrote what I sometimes feel terrible for thinking - about how unfair that some people get pregnant so easily. And I will def cross my fingers, toes and everything else for you!

Inconceivable - I'm so glad IVF worked for you :) and thank you for your very kind words. I've never really considered myself a counselling type person - I find it very hard to be open with people, even good friends, but think I may try it if I can get referred as putting my upset on DHs shoulders doesn't seem fair. And I will def take your book recommendations too

& to all of you.

Handbag you poor thing. It's horrendous when people give you the happy news and it just sends you in to a spiral of doom.

I supposedly don't have PCOS (although have many of the main symptoms) but had cycles of ridiculous lengths too. 80+ days and no ovulation. I went on clomid in May and got pregnant in July. We were on month 21 of TTC so I completely feel your pain.

Wishing you the best of luck. Spoil yourself and get lots of hugs from DH.

Handbag - on Clomid, I had 4 rounds of it before our ivf. Consultant wouldn't prescribe it until after my lap and dye to check tubes were open though as risk of ectopic pregnancy is high otherwise. It was just to 'boost' ovulation in my case apparently, as I ovulate most months on my own. I was monitored only with day 21 tests, no scans. All my Clomid cycles were ovulatory apparently but we never conceived on it. A down side is that it can generate lesser quality eggs apparently but it's v helpful for some PCOSers. Day 21 tests are tricky when you have v long and irregular cycles though. I had a couple cycles. of 45-60 days when we were TTC and it's an added complication.

Glad you're considering giving counselling a try. It's v helpful for infertility, which puts a massive strain on the best relationship. Saved my poor DH from a bit of my frustration and anger at least.

Good luck! Xx

Hi HandbagCrazy,

re your comment:-
Attila - I wasn't aware of that about clomid. I just assumed that would be next. Tbh I'm a bit worried about my blood tests. They took some months ago, then again at the hospital. My results said that if they were taken on day 10 then I'm not ovulating but they were taking on day 96!!! I had a high result for something else and was told to have them done again, but the gp has said I have to wait to be on day 21 before they will redo them and I have no way of knowing when that will be. Does that sound right to you?

It sounds really crap.

Any test result done over 6 months ago should be discounted, you need up to date test results. It sounds like a mess up and the blood tests should be done again but this time under the right conditions.

What they should do here is do the blood tests strictly to calendar days as your cycle is irregular. They therefore do the tests on the 2nd and 21st of each calendar month (if these dates fall on a weekend then they should be done on Monday). Day 2 should compare LH against FSH and day 21 should measure progesterone. These tests ideally should be done monthly and say over a period of 3-6 months to see if there are any changes to these levels.

Would ensure that the hospital fertility unit handles these test results with your GP having no involvement. Many GPs are simply not up to speed when it comes to such issues. I'd also be asking your consultant a lot of questions as well, it is all too easy to be fobbed off.

I would also read up on PCOS and its various treatment options; knowledge after all is power!.

Again thank you so much for all the comments and information. I haven't been back as I've had my swabs retaken to make sure the infection is gone so I can get my HSG referral. Results should be in next week. I've gone back to reading my book and am learning as much as possible - and trying to get as healthy as I can too.
Tbh I was going to wait and update the thread once I'd got my results etc but I went to an event yesterday and found myself sat with 5 other women - a mix of friends and friends partners. 2 have has babies in the last year and the other 3 were pregnant (8 months, 5 months and 12 weeks). I didn't know what to so with myself. So this update is really just another Aaahhhh it's to frigging hard moan :(

And that's it. No more moaning until I have at least made some constructive progress. But I'll probably be back with more questions soon!

Have you tried low gi?
Eating only brown bread/rice/pasta?
I also moved to a smaller plate , so if i have pasta etc its not so much of it.
Are you on slow release met?
I find it sooo much better on the stomach.
I have read pcos symptoms can go away with weight loss.
I find i lose the weight best going for walks - i spent the time before my ivf 6m walking every lunch hour

Hi Naty1 :)
Yes, since having the metformin and doing a bit of research I've started a low GI diet (although I slipped this weekend as my friend came to stay and DH treated us to a chippy tea). And I have 3 dogs so I walk them further and faster than I used to. I've lost about 1stone 5lbs ish so far, although I still have quite a way to go.
I've also chased and chased my referal for the HSG and finally have it booked for Friday afternoon. I'm obv not looking forward to the scan but I feel relieved that things seem to be moving forward a bit.
I'm also looking at 'ttc vitamins' and was wondering if anyone has any idea if they're ok if you have pcos? Lots of people have recommended Seven Seas Trying For A Baby and they're quite cheap so I'm very tempted.

Hi
I'm don't think anyone's really following the thread anymore but I'm updating to try and keep track of what's happening.

I had my HSG today. Was awful. I have a tilted cervix & womb so they tried with a plastic tube but it didn't work (twice) then used a metal one. Pain was intense and because the first thing didn't work it took ages (was on the table about 25 - 30 minutes).

I had a small blockage on one side but the dye flushed it out which is something I guess!

Anyway, I am now in pjs with DH looking after me as I'm still in pain :(

Madrigals thank you.

Still in pain but less so this morning. Just want things to move forward now!

Hi handbag

It's a hugely shit situation and I'm so sorry you are going through it. I am out the other end now and wondered if what helped me, might help you?

Our situation was a bit different in as much as my DH is totally infertile so we needed treatment with donor sperm. A devastating diagnosis but in some respects fewer choices in terms of treatment made it easier.

• let yourself sob my darling. Punch the pillow. Scream in your car. Let it out. Acknowledge your feelings - nothing to feel bad about. It is absolutely shite to experience this
• fertility friends website was brilliant. Women going through exactly the same as me to share notes with
• Alice Domar's book called something like "coping with infertility" has a technique for dealing with the dreaded pregnancy announcements....
• yoga classes
• get yourself as healthy as possible with diet/exercise will help your mind too. Lots of good stuff on Zita West's website
• my successful cycle was after getting our dog. He gave me my joy back and I think reduced my stressed levels. I was then puppy training and coping with morning sickness but it was a lovely problem to have. My beloved dog has been with me through 8 cycles of IUI, and a miscarriage and he is the perfect antidote.
• as everyone else has said - plan nice stuff, especially stuff you can only do child free. DH and I had some amazing weekends away in the wilderness

I hope with all my heart it works for you soon. It was honestly the hardest thing I have faced, so far, but I do feel I'm a better mum for it (not saying this would apply to everyone). I thanks the stars every night for my kids and you will soon too xxxxx

Sorry - just seen you have dogs...

I did a full blown vitamin/diet thing. Will dig our its name if you are interested?

Hi Roonerspism, thank you for your post and I'm so glad it's worked out for you.

The vitamin thing would be great if you don't mind? I have no idea where to start.

I'm trying to get healthy but if I'm honest I'm rubbish at it. I've never really enjoyed exercise so I walk the dogs (as fast as I can) but that's about it. I need to keep going though I know. I do love that you're dog has helped - I love mine.

I'm looking at that website you suggested, thank you. It's so amazing how helpful people are on here :)

I'm not sure why but I'm feeling very positive today!

I'm so glad you are feeling more positive :)

The vitamin thing was Foresight (Foresight Preconception). It's based on hair analysis for testing for vitamin deficiencies and metals etc. I am not sure how much that stacks up scientifically to be honest and the vitamins are expensive. But they quote quite amazing statistics in terms of success stories and plug a very healthy diet so there is perhaps something in it.

I ended up being very lucky with my IUI success. I am pregnant again (5 years later) and didnt follow the Foresight programme this time but have totally de-junked my life since i first started trying for kids so I guess for me, diet/food has really helped max my fertility (since I have had to conceive all my kids using IUI).

I think going into all this again I would definitely consider being gluten free from the outset, and eating lots of good quality fats like coconut. Not too much sugar. I would take as a minimum magnesium, vitamin D and probiotics. I follow a health regime off something called www.perfecthealthdiet.com (it's a guy who transformed his health through researching the best way to eat) and that might have more tips in terms of recommendations.

No idea if this helps and I probably sound like an evangelical food loon! I have become v interested in how diet affects health and fertility so forgive me :)

All the very best x

Hi Handbag
So sorry to hear your HSG story - I also had a terrible experience (went into shock and the incompetent doctor just left me to the nurse to deal with). I have heard lots of stories of painful HSGs, so you really are not alone. But thank god it's over with.

As for diet, it seems from the reading I've done that your body absorbs vitamins and nutrients far better in food form than in supplements (ie a large portion of spinach rather than an iron tablet), so wherever possible I try to get natural sources. I've seen lots of information suggesting that Vit D is key for fertility, so I try to eat plenty of oily fish (was disappointed to discover that means sardines, not cod in batter!) and get out for walks in the sunshine whenever possible (also feels good!).

That said, of course supplements can be a great way to get the special stuff we need for baby-making (and may be essential for Vit-D during the winter). My friend a mid-wife (and currently pregnant with her third child!) recommends pregnacare.

Gluten isn't a problem for me (though I have friends with digestive problems that magically disappeared as soon as they cut out gluten, so it clearly can make a difference if you have a problem in this area). I know that I should probably cut out sugar from my diet, as all the evidence shows how bad it is for us. But I also think we should give ourselves a break during this tough time. So I'll do my best, get the exercise and healthy food I can, and then chill out with some chocolate and a cuppa in front of my favourite TV programme - God knows I probably won't be able to find the time for that once the babies come along!

Best of luck!

I've got PCOS. I fell pregnant the first time with chlomid quite quickly and had DD1. Following this I had two miscarriages and tried lots of fertility treatment without success (didn't try IVF) and finally fell pregnant and stayed pregnant with DD2 8 years later after ovarian drilling. Another 8 years later aged 40 - having never had periods - I suddenly started having periods and conceived my third child naturally. Consequently, my children are now 20, 12, and nearly 4. My point is, that there are loads of treatments available and the vast majority of people get there in the end. It is horrible at the time but when you look back, it will just make your family more special. Just try to have faith that PCOS is just a hurdle that just makes it harder but one day, it'll be you.

Hi handbagcrazy and girls

I cried at a wedding on Saturday after speaking to a particular smug couple a similar age to us about their 3 'wonderful' children. It got worse when the wife was amazed that I didn't have children (we were the same age) and then she very patronisingly asked me did I not want children. I suppose this was all assumed because I am at the grand old age of 37!

I feel like you do alot. The I also feel like a cow. All my friends are pregnant or have children, I love them all dearly but when I find out another one is pregnant I just can't help but feel how unfair it is.

We have been TTC for over 3 years now, we have got unexplained infertility, we have got to pay for IVF as my husband has two children from his previous relationship. It has taken us over a year to raise the 6K required to go private, our first consultation is next Friday. I am excited but nervous and worried that if is does not work that it will then be the end of the road for us as we cannot afford to keep trying privately.

So sorry to droan on but I know exactly how you are all feeling and it makes me feel a bit better to know that I am not the only one feeling like this as no one else understands even though they try xxx

Roonerspism Thank you, I'll have a look. I wouldn't call you a loon - if I found something that helped and might help other people I'd save about it to

Rumplestrumpet your HSG story is awful. I can't believe they left you in shock.
I'm doing my shopping list/meal plan tomorrow so will have to keep all this in mind. should I be worried that I don't eat fish at all?
I'm definately making more effort to spend time outside (my dogs help with this) and don't eat much sugar anyway. I think I'm just naturally lazy and have to fight my natural instincts to sit down with a chippy tea everyday

Merlehaggard, I'm so glad it's worked out for you. It's strange how the body works isn't it? I love the sound of the age gaps for your children - I have this image of your children and grandchildren all being a lovely close bunch.
I'm also very sorry for your losses. I am hoping that chlomide will be an option for me as the success rates seem pretty good. I'm wary of ovarian drilling (although this is me being a bit of a wuss).

Anroga - first of all. How shit that you have to fund your own treatment.
3 years ttc sounds so hard. And don't feel bad about the 'it's so unfair' feelings. From what other posters have said, it's normal and as long as you're not being mean to be people, it's not something to feel bad about.
Other people's posts have been very helpful, and if you have someone to rant to it may help - or just post on here. Have you read my Op? I understand the feelings - everyone around me has had a baby or is pregnant and I'm forever being asked why me and DH have chosen not to have children yet. I want to scream WE HAVENT CHOSEN THIS - but of course I dont. You're righy, it is unfair, and awful.
Please keep posting. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you xx

And apologies, poss TMI but I am now bleeding - can a HSG kick start a period? My cycles are usually around 65 days (roughly every other month) but haven't had one for ages. Was on day 140 ish and nothing was happening. Now, the pain from the HSG has become period cramps. No idea if that's normal?

um, rave about it, not save about it!

Handbag - I don't think you need to worry about eating fish - it is a very easy source of Vit D, but if you can't stand it then don't bother! There are plenty of other sources. But despite being regularly outdoors, eating fish and having pale skin (all help Vit D intake), my clinic has still insisted that I take Vit D supplements, as apparently we are almost all deficient much of the time. So I took a one-off oily liquid capsule supplement (apparently easier to absorb than tablets), and will need another as the winter sets in.

I have that natural laziness too, and it will probably only get worse as it gets colder, darker, and I start injecting crazy levels of hormones into my body! I really believe a positive mindset comes from setting realistic goals (I'm not gonna run 10 miles, but I can walk a slightly longer route to work, or get off the bus a couple of stops early and walk the rest of the way). When you've worked out what's reasonable for you, then you can enjoy lazing on the sofa without giving yourself a hard time!

Anroga - it is so unfair that you can't have funding on the NHS - the postcode lottery and unequal rules really angers me. Well done for saving up the money and giving yourselves a chance - that can't have been easy. I repeat my earlier comment - it IS unfair that some people get pregnant so easily, and I really believe it's ok to feel a little jealous/resentful/hard done by. The important thing is not to let those feelings last so long that you become resentful/jealous (if that makes sense?). For me, I allow myself a few moments of negativity when I see yet another ultra-sound scan on Facebook (I remember thinking it was so cute 5 years ago). And I sometimes have a rant to DH, and wont' let myself feel guilty about it. But I have to let it pass quickly, as I don't want it to consume me or become a part of who I am.

And I think it's normal that you're both excited and nervous about your IVF - I really hope you and your DH get the BFP you've been waiting for.

Hi Girls

Handbagcrazy - Thank you for your kind message, 3 years ttc has been hard but then I read other posts on here where other women have been trying alot longer which must be even worse.

Its good to read your post and see you feel the same as me sometimes, I am never mean to anyone like you, just can't help but feel like it is so easy for everyone else!

I see that you have PCOS. I was diagnosed with this 10 years ago and put straight on metformin. My periods returned and I managed to loose some weight. Then when we had the tests to see why we could not get pregnant they confirmed that I ovulate every month. Not sure how long you have known you had PCOS but thought it is some positive information for you.

I see you are struggling with the merformin, what dose are you on? They started me on 1000mg twice a day years ago which was terrible but now I am on 500mg twice a day. If it is your stomach/bowels it is effecting (which it did mine) it really helps if you take the tablets with a glass of milk as then it is not so harsh on your tummy and also I always take mine after lunch and dinner.

I will keep posting because as usual it is instantly making me feel better! Fingers crossed for you too and lets both try and not do anymore crying, positive thoughts!

Rumplestrumpet -Thanks for your lovely message. It is unfair the only way we have done it is by re-mortgaging. I am the same as you I do not want these negative feeling to consume me and I do not let them but as you say the b*dy scans on FB, another friend getting married and then 3 months later announcing that she is pregnant does get to you sometimes and then you go through all those negative feelings again.

Wishing you lots of luck next month with your ICSI after reading your post and also have found your coping mechanisms really helpful!

xxxxx

Hi. I just realised I haven't been back to the thread for ages, and again, just want to update, just to have what's happening written somewhere.

After the HSG my period definitely started - that would mean my cycle this time was 36 days (half what it usually is which I'm hoping is a good thing)! It also means I had my day 21 day bloods done on Monday just gone. Should get results on Friday. My bp was high and dr has requested a thyroid check too so fingers crossed that's ok. I kind of feel like I'm falling apart at the seams!!

Also, I hadnt given the blood tests much thought but now I've had them I'm really scared they're going to tell me I'm not ovulating,
Which would mean that this entire 16, almost 17 months will have been wasted.

Oh and another colleague is now pregnant, so that's 3 friends with babies, 2 pregnant friends, one colleague on maternity leave, one colleague with a pregnant girlfriend and 2 pregnant colleagues. Not to mention parents & pil who are desperate for a grandchild off me. Can you tell I'm getting hormonal?

Anyway, how is everyone else doing?