Just had to lock myself in the toilets at work to cry

[HandbagCrazy]

I'm not a horrible person, honestly I'm not. But DH just called to say that yet another of our friends is expecting. I didn't know what to say so I went to the toilets and cried. I've never cried in work before - never mind proper sobs that I had to drown out by flushing the loo. I felt like I couldn't breathe. And now I've calmed down I feel like a cow. Our friends have been together for 8 years, they're lovely people and it's great that they're going to have a baby

But deep down I keep thinking this isn't fair. And it's too hard.

Relevant info - me and DH have been trying for 16 months. I have pcos. Had numerous stupid delays before getting to a specialist. I'm on day 100+ in my cycle and on metformin (which makes me feel awful). I'm 29. And these friends are the 3 rd set to announce pregnancy in the last 2 months. And we have 3 other friends who have had babies in the last 6 months.

Don't know what I want. Just to get it off my chest I guess. My colleagues don't know I'm trying so I can't say anything here.

Hey there Handbag, good to hear from you again, I was wondering how you were doing. Really sorry to hear things are tough at the moment. I completely understand that "falling apart at the seams" feeling - I haven't had it for a while, but I remember feeling it and needing DH to hug me really tight so I don't fall apart!

If your cycles are all over the place, then the day 21 blood tests might not tell you much - it is standard to do the test on day 21 on the assumption of a 28 day cycle, as this would usually be around a week after ovulation. But you won't know until you get your next period if this timing was right. If your cycle is 36 days again this month then the tests should actually be done closer to day 28. So if the test results don't show "normal" hormone levels, don't panic - it might just be too early. Does that make sense? I should point out I'm not a medical professional, but I had some crazy long cycles a couple of years ago and this is what my gynaecologist explained to me.

Have you tried tracking your ovulation yourself? I found this really hlepful, though I know for some people it just adds to the stress. I never got my head around ovulation sticks - I always felt like it was a waste of money, as I never managed to get a positive, but probably wasn't doing it at the right time. But I did start to track my basline temperature every morning - It made me feel like I was doing something, and I was so pleased to discover I was actually ovulating around CD 15-17 every month. Plus I started to understand my body better, got my head around checking my CM (not for everyone, admitedly!). AND when I had my appointment at the fertility clinic I produced a pile of charts showing that I was ovulating every month - the doctor took it on board and I felt empowered. There's a website you can enter the data into and it charts it for you, calculating when you ovulated and when you're likely to get AF.
The downside is that it has to become the first thing you think of every day, which is difficult for some people. My DH thought I was a bit nuts, I must admit, but he saw that it made me feel a lot better, and it was just a few seconds each morning, and then I could get on with my day feeling like I was at least doing something.

And if it turns out you're not ovulating at all, it's not time wasted - it's better to know, and then the doctors can do something about it.

This is now an essay, so I'll stop. Wishing you all the best, sending you a big hug.

Hi rumple thanks for replying.

I had to travel to another office for work on Friday and was so busy I completely forgot to get my results. I hadn't thought about that with the day 21 bloods, just had them done and was crossing my fingers that they would be ok.

I looked into tracking my progress and cycles but was told not to as I have PCOS? That's another thing to check with the consultant I guess. It would definately help me to feel like I'm doing something helpful.

With CM I did try but it seemed like it was either nothing or it was EWCM which I'm pretty sure wasn't the case so I gave up on it.

I think when this started my DH thought I was nuts too but as its gone on and on he gets it I think. The downside is that he feels the stress now too so it's harder to cheer each other up (he was a complete optimist & refused to consider possible bad news until about a month ago).

We've just got bogged down with it all. And my one pregnant friend is a prolific social media poster so every time I go on fb or Instagram there's something about how great it is to be pregnant or pics of the bump or recent baby shopping. Stupid but has put me on the verge of tears a few times that last few days.

It's just crap at the moment. And I saw my best friend last week. She has a dd who is almost a year old and it was akward for the first time in a 11 year friendship - all her news centres around being a mum and I obviously have no experience of it.

Also, thank you for the hug - it's very much needed!

PS who said hugs were un-mumsnetty? Lol

Again just to update the thread.

Another pregnancy to add to the count - my cousin is 8 weeks pregnant. She's gutted and considering Her options. I don't feel jealous or anything, just desperately sad for her - her situation isn't ideal and she's a very confused young 20year old :(

On my own news, I saw the consultant yesterday. More problems have been found - something to do with my liver is still very high but no idea why.
However, I've been prescribed clomid, high is what I wanted. I have 3 months worth, to be started on day 2 of my next cycle, whenever that happens. I'm not allowed any more than that.

I don't ovulate. I actually cried when she said that.

I thought when we had a plan I would feel more settled. But I'm suddenly terrified. I keep thinking we should save it - take it once I've lost more weight to increase my chances, or wait until they've figured out the problem with my liver. WTF?? Even to my own ears it sounds like excuses.

So that's my news. DH is getting stressed about how upset I am, but I'm stressed because I'm suddenly so afraid and I don't understand why?

Hope everyone else is doing ok

Hiya Handbag. Just when you think it might get easier it just gets harder...

Sorry to hear there are more complications, and of course you cried when she told you weren't ovulating - that's a horrible thing to hear. But at the same time this is something that's very easy for them to work around - as I understand it, Clomid will kick start your ovaries, and you'll probably be ovulating in no time. I know this isn't a long term fix, but it can be a quick way to help you conceive "naturally" (or semi-naturally at least) without invasive treatment like IUI and IVF. Of course you're allowed to be nervous and scared - this whole thing is an emotional nightmare. But when you get through the initial fear you might actually be excited that you're starting a new phase of TTC!

On making "excuses", I wonder if part of you is now scared of trying the Clomid incase it doesn't work? I know I've done the same with work and study, procrastinating trying something because the slight hope that it will work is more reassuring than trying it and reaffirming your sense of failure! It might be helfpul to read up on Clomid (I think there are a few threads on here), to get a better idea of how it works, and to hear the positive stories of BFPs?

Enough amateur psychology. I feel for your cousin too, what an awful position to be in. At least we have the comfort of knowing that, when we do get that BFP and show it to our DHs it will be one of the happiest moments of our lives.

Finally, I get exactly what you mean about your husband being upset by you being upset. We are coming to the end of our 2ww and it's become really very difficult. DH knows I think about it all day at work, come hope upset because I'm sure it's not worked, wanting to test early (which he's against, but will support me if I want to), then not wanting to incase it's negative.... I know that seeing me upset makes it so much worse for him, and that just makes me more upset! I found it helpful to tell two close friends what's going on (everyone else, parents, siblings etc know we'll be having treatment at some point but don't know we're doing it right now). That way I can share my upset and fears with them, and then be a little lighter and more calm when I speak to DH. Admittedly it hasn't worked as well as I'd hoped (burst into tears last night with poor DH trying to comfort me) but I think it has helped.

Sorry this has got so long. I just wanted to remind you that you're not alone in what you're going through, and it's ok that you're having trouble coping with it all. Take it easy on yourself.

And good luck with the Clomid - I'm excited for you, even if you're not there quite yet

... and as a post-script, just wanted to let you know that we were blown away this weekend to get a BFP!! So hang in there, there is hope - ICSI was the only option for us, and it's worked. You have plenty of chances before even thinking of IVF/ICSI, so I hope you can stay positive!

Best of luck.

CONGRATULATIONS!! Rumple that's great news. So glad to see some good news!

I'm just waiting for my cycle to start then we can start the clomid but no signs of anything yet - my body is so bloody frustrating!!

Thanks Handbag. Best of luck with the clomid.