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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

Just found out my friend is pregnant...not happy!!!

71 replies

erilou38 · 12/01/2014 22:58

A friend of mine who is older than me, 40 this year has just texted me to announce her pregnancy, i know it sounds awful but i'm gutted. She had been trying for 7 months and i was kind of hoping it wasn't going to happen. Another older woman who has gotten pregnant while i'm in menopause at age 38!! So pissed off!!!!!!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 13/01/2014 11:34

erilou, read Lauren's post.

You ought to be ashamed.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/01/2014 11:37

So you have three children already. It is not necessary to produce a child with each new relationship, you know. Try enjoy life with your husband and your current children. If he was desperate to have a baby of his own, he should perhaps have looked for a woman who was not nearing the end of her fertility anyway. You dont need a child to "cement" your relationship. Sorry to be harsh, but you sound so harsh and mean spirited yourself, I reckon you can take it if you can dish out yourself.

Thants · 13/01/2014 11:42

Adopt op?

wifey6 · 13/01/2014 11:48

Lauren...so sorry for the struggles you have been dealing with. Despite them all, you sound like a fabulous, optimistic, kind person. I wish you all the best.
OP...my Dsis has one DC & has encounter many losses with her new DP who has no children. She has had to watch while we have had DCs during her own struggles & although it must of been heartbreaking for her, she has always been wonderfully supportive. I have also suffered loss, & am more than thankful for the DCs me & my DH have & have never wished others not to fall pregnant, even at my lowest points, despite wen hearing their news my heart would shake, I always was happy for them.
I would distance yourself from this friend.

Armadale · 13/01/2014 11:55

OP I have had one late loss and 4 MC at this point.

I'd give limbs to have one healthy baby.

I also desperately hope none of my friends or family have to go through a hellish time trying to conceive.

I think hoping one of your friends is not able to conceive, as you suggest in your OP, is not very well. I think you might need some help around this. Is there a GP you could go to and talk about how you feel?

Lauren I salute you.

Lauren83 · 13/01/2014 11:56

Erilou

There still are things you could do to help yourself, I told you that some CCGS will fund with the female having children if the male doesn't some fund to age 39/41, you could have donor treatment like I'm trying. I also told you about Serum in Greece who treat ladies with blood levels like ours with own egg, if you are that desperate to give DP a child look at your other options like adoption like Thants said. I think you would have to sort your emotional issues out first though and get yourself sorted and they won't entertain you unless you have drawn a permanent line under fertility treatment for yourself, you don't sound mentally ready for the stresses another child would bring anyway, have you seen the Dr about how you are feeling? From all your other posts its obvious you are in a bad place, I know its so so hard, believe me I have cried so many times, but this is life, we all get dealt a different hand and I think life chucks at us what we are strong enough to deal with.

Think of the impact this will be having on your children, I wonder if they feel affected by this, and your partner, don't destroy your relationships with others in the hunt to give DP his own child. My DP has a daughter its no replacement for being a mum but I'm blessed to be in her life, its hard seeing DP with her when I yearn so much to know what it feels like, be grateful for what you have and cherish it

Lauren

Lauren83 · 13/01/2014 11:59

Girls thank you so so much your messages have really helped you know, I wasn't sharing my story for sympathy was just trying to help OP see clearer.

Armadale so sorry to hear about your losses, I am grateful I never went through that, I know what a failed cycle feels like and that's heartbreaking so I couldn't imagine what you have been through x

Perfectlypurple · 13/01/2014 12:03

I can't have a child. I have a sd but its not the same. I would have loved to have just one child of my own but it's not going to happen. I have accepted it. I have friends who have had children over the last few years and I am always pleased for them. Yes I do feel a bit crappy that it will never be me but I don't wish that it shouldn't have happened for them. I've resigned myself to being the best honorary auntie there is.

lljkk · 13/01/2014 12:04

The text wasn't about you, OP. Maybe she's insensitive, but then, if you had fallen pregnant first, how would you have announced it to her, knowing that she had been trying but failing for 7+ months? Are you sure that you would have been any more considerate?

coffeeinbed · 13/01/2014 12:07

It's not like there's a definite number of pregnancies in the world, so that her getting pregnant robs you of yours.
Really.
Grow up.

Original poster

erilou38 · 13/01/2014 13:54

Thank you Lauren. I'm not in a good place at the moment and to be honest i think i'm going to knock this whole baby thing on the head. Going to draw a line under it, move on and enjoy life. I wish you all the best, i'm sure you will get there before too much longer and experience the joy that a child brings xx

OP posts:

JustWant1 · 15/01/2014 17:38

Really not nice at all. You have three children and really should thanks God for what you have. If you don't like the woman then don't be friends with her but there are people including myself who would do anything and have done so much and gone through so much just to have one child, I think if you knew how truly heartbreaking it is then you would never wish this upon anyone least of all someone who you used to be close to. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. Hope you get your bfp soon anyway just like everyone else who is trying so hard for a miracle

Hulababy · 15/01/2014 17:50

Whilst it is fine to feed sad that it isn't you who is pregnant just now, I do think you are being unkind to hope someone you know can'tget pregnant and is effectly infertile.

I am 40y and have a lovely 11y and would have loved a second child. Infact started TTC when she was 2y, have had two ops, hormone therapy, including HRT at very high doses, Clomid, etc. But to no avail. We don't do anything to prevent pregnancy but it isn't going to happen - not after 9 years. I know have a dx of arthritis whch affects many parts of my body - at the moment I am taking a lot of meds, in pain most days and tbh - none of it is helping; it means that no - I won't get pregnant now, and tbh we have kind of given up on the idea and started to come to terms ith that fact.

But over those 9 years many of my friends and acquaintances have been pregnant and had babies some their first, some subsequent - infact in that time some have had more than one child. But I don't get angry over it or wish them ill. I have moments of feeling fed up about it, especially as I have been dealing with a lot of pain, operations and other health stuff in that time- but I am not angry or upset with them. I have no right to be either.

I am sorryyou are going through a tough time yourself, and yes - from her comments it doesn't sound like the woman invovled has been kind to you at times. But you are going to make yourself suffer more by holding out anger towards others for being pregnant tbh.

JokersGiggle · 28/02/2014 16:36

Think of it as a baby in your life that you can spoil and practice on!
I'm sure she'd appreciate you doing.nappy changing and you'll be honing your skills.

expatinscotland · 28/02/2014 16:39

Well, let's hope she is not as mean-spirited as you or she'll be hoping your husband dumps you for someone who can get pregnant.

expatinscotland · 28/02/2014 16:49

And no, I can honestly say I've never felt like you do, thankfully, and I had three beautiful children, one died of cancer when she was 9 nearly two years ago, DH had a vasectomy 4 years ago and I'm 43. No more babies. Feel very pleased for those who have healthy families of 3 children. I'm jealous, I loved having 3, but I wish them every happiness.

lovelymumof4 · 28/02/2014 17:14

Think some of you ladies are being a bit harsh on the poster. Infertility long term can do funny things with you head.

expatinscotland · 28/02/2014 17:16

She has three healthy children but is spiteful and mean about someone else who is having three as well.

DrewsWife · 28/02/2014 17:21

I started off thinking you must be gutted it's not you. I too am trying to conceive. I tried to play devils advocate and see both sides. But then you quantified t by saying what you did again and I thought... Fuck it. She doesn't need so called friends who can't be happy for her and who can't be excited that after 7 months she is entitled to be happy.

Please get over this bitterness and at least lie and tell her congratulations. She doesn't need people like you wishing her ill.

Only1scoop · 28/02/2014 17:23

Op you sound bitter....what an awful way to think. You have 3 children.
Just dreadful

RubyGoat · 28/02/2014 17:30

OP, you are clearly upset about this and I can see why. But ultimately, the person who will be most hurt by your jealousy of your friend, is you. Either try to be happy for her, or if that's not possible as you don't get on, let the friendship go.

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