So what do you say to people who say things like "I'm praying for you".....?

[HesterShaw]

......or who offer you all kinds of stories of hope when you find hope so bloody exhausting and pointless? I don't want to say "Thanks but that really doesn't help" in case it hurts their feelings, but I could really really NOT do with hearing things like "Never say never, my friend's son's partner is suddenly pregnant for the first time at 41", or "It'll happen for you sweetie, I KNOW it will. You WILL get your baby." How? How the fuck do you know that?

There are some people who will never succeed and I am probably one of them. Yes, I have IVF to come, but it's one round. One round probably won't work. I refuse to spend any more time helplessly hoping - I just want my life back. Four years TTC, two failed IUIs, more waiting lists than I can count, nothing apparently wrong apart from low AMH (and that's probably so low because I've spent so much time bloody waiting)....and never so much as a late period, let along a line on a stick, let alone a baby.

I don't want to sound bitter. I wish other people would just accept it. It's as though they find it embarrassing so they feel like they should jolly you along and encourage you, when actually they know nothing about it. When I said to my cousin we were only giving it one shot at IVF, she regaled me with stories about how several of her friends had succeeded on their second go, and how I really mustn't give up. I don't have five grand for one round of IVF - well, I do, or I could borrow it, but what's the point if I know it almost certainly won't work? Imagine paying back loans for years, knowing that it was for failed IVF. I couldn't do it.

It's not that I'm unpleasant, or ungrateful, or horrible. I just wish that it was more widely accepted that for some people, nothing will work, no matter how much positivity they have, or no matter how many good wishes they receive.

Just ranting really. Sorry.

I'm lucky that having eventually had dd I can give handcream's comment the eye roll and guffaw it deserves. Would have made my blood boil a few years ago, I find relentlessly positive people a little draining though

I can relate Hestershaw. One family member did this a lot over the years but she was someone I cared about and I couldn't bring myself to point out to her how unhelpful and annoying it was. I would end up comforting her and agreeing that' yes , of course it would all work out just honky dory 'because she would get so upset at the possibility she could be wrong . The bottom line was she felt embarrassed and didn't really know what to say. Maybe I would have reacted the same way in her shoes, but I hope not.
I did find the " ill pray for you" very annoying. It's a completely inappropriate thing to say. If it doesn't work then it's god's will? Or some such nonsense. Please keep your prayers between you and whatever deity you choose and don't try to elicit thanks.
At the other end of the scale though I'll never forget a phone call from someone asking how I was on day 12 post embryo transfer. I told her I was spotting and she responded " oh well it hasn't worked then" and it completely floored me. It was my first ICSI ( of the four we ended up having )-: ) in my naivety I thought it was still possible it had worked. I was home alone and absolutely devastated. So there's a story of how a healthy dose of reality wasn't very kind.
Not very helpful am I ? Please know you're not alone (-;

I've been where you are. I was utterly convinced my first and only IVF would not lead to a pregnancy and at best would simply be diagnostic and would reveal further infertility problems.
It worked though and I have a child and some frozen embryos.
I know someone who finally conceived on her tenth IVF round and now has twins.
Those who say they are praying for you mean well and / or don't fully understand infertility. If you can, simply say thank you, nothing more.
I wish you all the best. I am proof that while it doesn't work for everyone and certainly not first time, IVF can work, even if you feel completely negative and depressed about it.

Didn't mean to offend with my post btw. I was totally wrecked by infertility. Was convinced I'd never be a mum, couldn't bear to be around pregnant women, was a total cow to DH and my family for best part of a year. Just when our problems emerged all our friends and colleagues started getting pregnant too. Was the worst timing. I know how it feels and certainly know IVF isn't a silver bullet. Just wanted to tell my story and maybe give some hope? x

hb1976 - I agree completely! I still feel the effects now especially as none of my mum friends know about our infertility and IVF and all seem to
have got pregnant v easily or by accident. The conversations are already turning to having more and a couple are already pregnant again. I just stay quiet in those chats.

My cousin has no fallopian tubes and on her third round of IVF, obviously her only chance of getting pregnant. Still she has people tell her about those miracle stories where people get pregnant naturally after IVF has failed, implying she his needs to relax.
Biology people!! Ain't gonna happen!

Exactly Ready - you make a good point. Every situation is different.

Good morning ladies. I had no idea this thread was still active because I hid it by mistake soon after starting it. A lovely poster messaged me to tell me she'd seen it

I've caught up now I know Zita, Gawd bless 're, advocates staying positive, but I know at least two posters on this thread and several others who were pretty convinced it was hopeless and were planning all manner of drinking and debauchery when the result came, and then they conceived. I have no hope - none. Testing on Tuesday. I may well think afterwards I shouldn't have gone on that walk the day after ET, drunk that tiny glass of wine last week, had those two cups of tea a day....in truth I'm sick of it all and just want it to be over.

Thanks for all the contributions. To reiterate, I've nothing at all against people who pray but I think the general consensus is not to tell the prayee you're doing it. After all, you're not doing it for thanks, right?

And as for "my best friend's sister's boyfriend's cousin did this and she got pregnant...." well that's lovely for her. It won't work for me, because here's the thing, she's not me!

PS anyone know how to unhide a thread?

Hester - hang in there. I hadn't realised you're on the 2ww. I hope the next few days pass quickly for you. Have you got anything planned to stay busy and distracted if possible? Seems contrived I know but does help IME. x

No. I'm dreadfully down at the moment if I'm honest. Having the opposite of a purple patch. Everything is going wrong and I can't seem to find the will to do anything. Partly weather related I guess. House troubles, family troubles, perpetual cash flow worries... :(

Keeping everything crossed for you. I remember this nonsense all too well.

After 2 MCs people telling me that it was because I was too stressed and I needed to relax (yes really). Or couldn't I just adopt a cute Chinese baby. I can actually say that it has really affected my relationship with one friend in particular.

For what its worth the consultant we were seeing for recurrent MCs told us the one thing not to worry about was relaxing, it makes no difference whatsoever.

And now people have started with the instadiffing baby number 2 stories of the 'it took my friend 2 yrs with #1/IVF but she got pregnant by accident with #2' No, there will be no miracle here, it will be another slog if it happens at all!

Well, if hibernating and not doing much is what you need to do then do it! You're right about the weather too which definitely won't be helping.

I used to say 'thank you and keep praying! Maybe pray a bit harder next time!' After years if ttc i was willing to try anything. yes, sime comments pissed me off, especially 'just relax' but they only gave me tge advice because they lived me and thought it would help. Now I thank god every day for being pregnant'

I know how things seem now but it won't always be like this

I haven't read the whole thread, OP, but it must be shit.

Why don't you just lie and say you've changed your mind? Can't you say you're not going through with it, and that you've resigned yourself to not having a baby?

I know this won't help, but, I imagine if everyone who said something positive, instead said something negative, that would be worse.

Imagine having to listen to "you're wasting your money, it won't work/give up and adopt/I doubt you'll ever get pregnant." Surely that would be more hurtful?

I suppose that the easiest thing for you would be for people to make no comment about it at all, but then, we've probably all been in the situation where we've meant well, but said the wrong thing and pissed somebody off without even knowing it.

If people are going through a really tough time, I pray for them, I just don't tell them!

I tell the world I never wanted children, not part of the life plan, stepchildren are enough because someone else did the hard part, ha ha.

It's all lies. I was desperate for children but nothing worked. Not a single sniff of a diff, no apparent reason for it. The dreaded "unexplained infertility". Adoption was never an option due to my husband's mental health issues. But I couldn't stand the enforced positivity, the jollying-along, the "it'll happen for you, I just know it" and all that shit. I never knew how to respond other than a smile and thanks through gritted teeth, when in fact I wanted to just burst into tears/punch them/tell them to fuck off/run away and hide depending on my mood, the point at my cycle and how recently I'd last received the latest BFN. It was easier in the end - in some ways - to just pretend to the world I didn't want children.

So yes, it IS shit and it doesn't work for everyone. We gave up trying six years ago, when my husband hit his mid-50s as he didn't want to be a 75-year-old dad at the school gates. We have a nice life, I love my husband, I don't cry every day any more. We are very lucky compared to some people. We are very unlucky compared to others. Life is fucking unfair one way or another, quite often.

I have never admitted this before

In fact if it were fresher and rawer and I was the hormonal irrational cow-beast that apparently lived through my 30s in my body, I'd even get fucked off that the Infertility board is under the "Becoming a Parent" topic section. Rub it in, why don't you, MN?!