So what do you say to people who say things like "I'm praying for you".....?

[HesterShaw]

......or who offer you all kinds of stories of hope when you find hope so bloody exhausting and pointless? I don't want to say "Thanks but that really doesn't help" in case it hurts their feelings, but I could really really NOT do with hearing things like "Never say never, my friend's son's partner is suddenly pregnant for the first time at 41", or "It'll happen for you sweetie, I KNOW it will. You WILL get your baby." How? How the fuck do you know that?

There are some people who will never succeed and I am probably one of them. Yes, I have IVF to come, but it's one round. One round probably won't work. I refuse to spend any more time helplessly hoping - I just want my life back. Four years TTC, two failed IUIs, more waiting lists than I can count, nothing apparently wrong apart from low AMH (and that's probably so low because I've spent so much time bloody waiting)....and never so much as a late period, let along a line on a stick, let alone a baby.

I don't want to sound bitter. I wish other people would just accept it. It's as though they find it embarrassing so they feel like they should jolly you along and encourage you, when actually they know nothing about it. When I said to my cousin we were only giving it one shot at IVF, she regaled me with stories about how several of her friends had succeeded on their second go, and how I really mustn't give up. I don't have five grand for one round of IVF - well, I do, or I could borrow it, but what's the point if I know it almost certainly won't work? Imagine paying back loans for years, knowing that it was for failed IVF. I couldn't do it.

It's not that I'm unpleasant, or ungrateful, or horrible. I just wish that it was more widely accepted that for some people, nothing will work, no matter how much positivity they have, or no matter how many good wishes they receive.

Just ranting really. Sorry.

I've been where you are now and the most reassuring thing anyone said when I opened up about infertility was "[dh] and I couldn't have kids. I was heartbroken but that's why i work with them now and i love being around them" it gave me hope that there was life after infertility which didn't involve avoiding children (which had mostly been my coping strategy up until then!)
I did mentally slap a lot of people who told me to relax though

My mum won the prize though, she was always going on about how of people who weren't really compatible in the bedroom often couldn't have kids...and that my dad only had to look at her and wham, she was pregnant...That or, she'd say my job was too stressful and that was why.

Dear God, Hermione!

Some of you have such immense self control.

Tell you the other thing which infertile couples should do - do a Grand Design and hope for the Kevin McCloud effect.

Yo Bugs. Stabbing buddy xxxx

Hi HesterShaw

I know this thread is a little old but I am SO SO SO happy to see it. I am so sick of people telling me that I just need to stay positive. If that were the case then the average cycle of falling pregnant would be on the 1st or 2nd when we are still positive not the 6th or 7th which our consultant thinks it more likely the case (we're on number 8). Then there's the story of 'the friend' who had all these attempts and then miraculously fell pregnant naturally when she stopped trying. Oh F off I want to say - for the actual problem I have that is impossible. If one more person tells me they are praying for me I am actually going to tell them that if all of the medical science in the world isn't working then a God who (in my opinion) doesn't exist probably wont be able to do a fat lot of good.

Oh these poor souls, they are just trying to be supportive, but a message board like this is so nice as no-one can truly understand unless you have been there. Thanks for making my day and making me feel like I'm not alone in my terrible thoughts!

Yo Hest, yo Bugs. Good fred. I have also had the 'ah, your time will come' comment. It drives me bonkers and twists a knife in my guts at the same time. I want to scream my medical history to prove the biological impossibility of their stoopid insensitive comment. But I don't.

DrSocks I feel for you. I'm 33, came off the pill to start TTC last year and went to the doctors after my cycle promptly disappeared. 'Oh yes, you've had your menopause' came the matter of fact response. Now I've picked myself off the floor we're on the list to try DE IVF but I'm very aware it's a chance possibility not a given. Here to chat if you fancy some extra support.

the 'ah, your time will come' comment - now that I am happily ensconced with my (adopted) 8 year old lovely boy I would dearly love to back to all those people who said this to me (and there were a lot...) and say

"See you were wrong - big fat wrongy wrong wrong. Don't you feel silly now" and slap them across the back of the head.

But I don't - perhaps I should [hopeful emoticon]

Hope thats not too depressing for y'all...

Cherry thanks, it's good to hear from someone in the same boat. I was completely blindsided by it. After a year of being told it was because I was doing too much exercise, I only had my AMH tested to rule out the menopause, then they looked at my FSH again...

I'm naturally quite a pessimistic person, and I feel a bit like people's reaction to this terrible news has been to think I'm being unnecessarily negative. But statistically I know the odds of "my time coming" etc etc are very low.

Where are you up to with your DE IVF? The trust I'm in at the moment won't fund that, but we're moving next year and I need to find out if the new place will. The 10k plus private prices make me feel a bit ill.

OP I could have written your posts.

Another bugbear of mine is when people say "well it'll probably happen naturally if you stop trying so hard!"

Makes me want to do something violent.

Blindside is a good description DrSocks, it got me too bigstylee. I was told 'oh it will be nothing to worry about'. After I finally pushed for tests they found my FSH was plus 100 so, everything to worry about as it happens. FFS.

Time, a good diet and HRT has made all the difference. We're waiting for a donor now to start treatment; after waiting aaaaages we're now at the top of the list so fingers crossed we get some activity soon. I hope you can move into a catchment where DE is an included option in the free NHS go.

Having positive things to focus on is important.

Interesting that diet and HRT have made a difference for you coconut. I'm really sick of feeling rubbish. I'm sure my bone density is crap as I had a stress fracture last year. The other symptoms are also becoming clearer - the dryness and I feel so much less sharp mentally. My gynae has told me that he won't give me a DEXA scan or consider HRT until we totally dismiss the idea of me becoming pregnant. Harrumph.

DrSocks we did DE in Greece where it is 1/3 the price of the UK and they were super nice and helpful. Our UK consultant helped us arrange it.

We have a DC now but what helped me during the 6 years of trying was not just hearing 'there's more to life than kids' but spending time with people who actually live that.

Good luck all.

My friends were very well meaning and told me all sorts of 'good luck' stories and: "I know things will work out for you"

In the end I just said: "Maybe things won't work out and we'll just have to deal with that." No more good luck stories after that!

I agree with all of the other well-meaning 'it will happen for you' type phrases which are a bit annoying. But I think 'I am praying for you' is one of the nicest things someone could say to you. It doesn't necessarily mean 'I'm praying God will give you a baby' (that would be annoying) it just means 'you are in my thoughts because I know you need caring about just now, and I'm going to especially think of you and your need' Why would that be a bad thing, even to someone non-religious?

Congrats on your DC Phiney, great to hear of your success. I've sent you a message Socks so as not to derail the thread anymore!

I didnt realise that this was your thread Hester. As you know I am a christian. Personally my take on this sort of thing is, I am careful, very careful who I say something like that to. And secondly, no, I wouldnt be offended at all if you said "Thanks but that really doesnt help".
But I cant really speak for all Christians.

Actually I do think one needs to be positive. I have a friend who is always looking on the black side of everything. There is hope everywhere and she is just draining.

Maybe having a child wont happen and maybe it will. Maybe you will be one of those women who do have a child in their 40's - why not you.

I went to a GP when I was struggling to get pregnant and she said 'sit on my lucky chair' I thought she was mad. Three months later I was pregnant. Luck, God looking down on me, lots of sex, right time of the month etc. Who knows - but it happened.

So handcream, does that mean God has abandoned the other people on this thread? . You've, I hope, actually read the posts here - all about how for some people, lots of sex, right time of the month and luck are NOT going to provide a magic ticket. Coming on here and saying exactly what people have been very heartwrenchingly complaining about is about as insensitive as it gets, sorry.

I'm lucky enough to not have the fertility issues mentioned on here, but there are many parallels with the insensitivity surrounding serious illness. Yeah, my mum might make it through her leukaemia - but the reality is that 95% of people her age don't, whether they are positive thinkers or look-on-the-dark-siders. Terminal illness doesn't, sadly, differentiate.

That was my problem then... no lucky chair.

Completely Heartless Handcream! Nice of you to rub your pregnancy in which is basically what the people on here were escaping by having a little moan with people who actually understand what it is like to have severe fertility issues. Do you know how many times, I've had to listen to your story from someone? Lucky chair - sorry but what crap!

You clearly have no idea what it is like to spend every single day analysing scans, blood test results, IVF statistics, medications, every bite you eat or mouthful you drink. Injecting yourself until your stomach is covered in bruises and you are not sure where on earth you can put the next one in, then doing everything possible to make sure that embryo implants (if you get one good enough) and then the heartbreak month after month/ year after year for some when it is not working and the blame you put on yourself for the studipest things, 'maybe I shouldn't have lifted that box/ eaten that .../ moved so soon after / was I not positive enough'. We've all been through enough self blame.

You get through it because you have to. IVF is not a cure, it wont work for everyone, some people adopt, some foster, some choose not to have children. Eventually life will go on, but for now our hearts are breaking and just knowing that others feel the same is an enormous support.

Ah that's where we were going wrong. Should have sat on a lucky chair! FFS. Handcream really??

To be fair, maybe I did have a lucky chair. Perhaps I just didn't think positively enough when I was sitting in it.

Or perhaps the fertility star wasn't aligned with the universe while you were sitting in said chair?

After 5 years of infertility and countless miscarriages I had heard absolutely all of the platitudes mentioned in this thread and I can honestly say that they only added to my depression at the time. Worryingly though, it doesn't stop if you eventually do succeed in having a child. Then you are expected to be so grateful that you can never complain or moan about how hard it is to bring up a baby, no matter how difficult the circumstances. Never mind that, after longing for and imagining your child for so long, you are bound to have unrealistic expectations about how perfect it will be. The mental health effects from infertility can last a very very long time, regardless of whether you eventually do go on to have children. Hugs to everyone going through such difficulties xx