Lying to children

[cleanandclothed]

Article in the Times here
I find the whole article but especially the list at the end, extraordinary. I would never contemplate lies about 'policemen coming to get you' or 'going to jail if you don't go to bed'!!! I was expecting something much more nuanced about Father Christmas

I thought I wouldn't, I try not to but just recently I have done - I told DS that if he didn't put his toys away in the boxes they would run away overnight. As we had been watching Toy Story fairly recently (and he is nearly 2) this worked quite well and all the toys went in their boxes. Not sure how long it will work for though...

I have also in moments of extreme frustration told him that I'd give him to the wolves if he carried on - there are no wolves here so I hope doubt that carried much real fear, or will later - but it does help to distract him.

I have nearly said a few things that my parents said to me, but haven't done (in the nick of time in some cases) because they are too scary, or silly, or could set up bad associations.

But I will be helping him to believe in Father Christmas for a while, and dragons and other fantasy stuff - until he outgrows it.

V. good point Custy, nothing more satisfying than making up the tallest story ever and feeding it to enquiring minds.

I think that you have to separate those that are used to give the DC fantasy and fun, and those that are used to control. Father Christmas is lovely, and when they find out they realise that you did it for their benefit. Telling them that a policeman will take them away is only used to strike fear. Some are quite harmless and I don't think that they even believe them at the time-I certainly always had my doubts about crusts making my hair curl!

classic one is dd (when she is 3)wanted apple and blackcurrant juice. we ahd only orange juice. and dh said to dd " this juice looks just like orange, tastes just like orange juice, BUT ITS "APPLE AND BLACKCURRANT JUICE"
she did not buy it, though. i run to our bedroom and laughed out quite

That article is really shocking. Of course I keep up the fiction of Santa, Tooth Fairy etc, with dd who's 4, but this is different from telling her a scary man will get her. Terrible thing to do to a child.

When my ds was small we lived near a caravan factory with big gates and a scary building. I told him it was the naughty boys home and we took many trips there when it was closed, only just stopping short of getting him out of the car when we arrived.
He is 21 now and finds the story hilarious. He claims he always knew it was the caravan factory but I know better....

I like that one, Diva, shame it didn't work.

Pisces, I was a good little girl who ate up all my crusts - and my hair did go curly and still is! Honest, had straight hair as little girl, several thousand crusts later it went curly.

Same thing happened to my sister later - although I don't remember her crust intake, if she ever stops eating enough protein, hers goes straight again. (She's a very fussy eater, I haven't attempted to find out if it'd work for me.)

I don't believe in using FEAR to control children-that's the bottom line..so crocodiles under the freezer or scary policemen etc are OUT but Santa claus, tooth fairy etc are fine in my book. I see no harm in 'theres no chocolate buttons left' either but I think when you say things like shops are closed etc A LOT and it becomes part of everyday life then I think there is a potential for harm, for one thing you're more likely to get 'found out' if it beomes the norm and also it's a pretty poor show to not be brave enough with your child to just say 'no' sometimes. You need to face up to challenging behaviour not duck out all the time.

I thought i'd add as well hat I find it very difficult to lie to my DD at all, I really struggle with santa claus but I do that for her. That's just me though rather than I think thats best. I think a small amount of lying IS ok/perfectly acceptable imo if you can do it (see above)

My DD1 is eight now and still (apparently) believing in Father Christmas. I am wondering how things are going to go down this year, there's bound to be discussions in the playground now she's at 'big school'!
I still give her a coin from the tooth fairy if she loses one but she lost her milk teeth really early (starting at 4, at nursery!)so we're pretty much out by now.
I agree, the lies at the end of that article were utter bollocks. I've told my DD1 things like it's illegal for her to not go to school, and to take her seatbelt off in the car, that sort of thing.. nothing about crocodiles!
Oh, and if I give her any new meat to try I will always say 'it's pork' or 'chicken' then she will give it a really good go. If I were to say guinea fowl, beef, duck etc she would instantly say she didn't like it. Once she's formed an honest opinion of the taste I'll tell her what it is.

My dad had a great lie..to stop me being scared of spiders he told me there was only one living in the house - he called him Alganon, so it was always "oh, Algies in the bath again" so we weren't scared..although I could never understand how Algy was sometimes big and hairy, then small and skinny..dad just said he fancied a change or was wearing a big coat!!

To help my DD with potty training, I told her there was a poo party in the loo..if she didnt do her poos on the toilet, her poo would be really sad that he missed out on all the fun

all the time but nothing too serious...

'oh it's broken look the lights are flashing'

when confronted with a ride on thingy... you know... fireman sam/teletubbies/thomas the tank engine!

Hmmm, that one worked on me Diva.

At a party when I was about 3 or 4 I apparently wanted wine like all the adults. I was given orange juice and told it was wine. I believed it I can still remember being smug that I was drinking wine, and have seen the photos of a me holding a wine glass with orange juice in it!

I was also told that the red button on the handbrake of my dad's car would trigger a bomb and so I was never to touch it. Bloody worked though - I was petrified of that button for years!

I do the usual ones with DS as many of you have already posted.

Although DS's auntie is eeveeeel.... She often used "The Eye is going to get you" pulling a disturbing face and using a menacing voice. Miss Trunchbull would also come to get the kids, The Child Snatcher, Josef Mengele (sp) and other evil icons. All were used on her 3 dc's.

A passer-by in the supermarket once leant over to me and remarked that my nose appeared to be growing... she'd overheard me telling ds that the shop was all out of lollipops because there was a national shortage and it was so serious that Questions Had Been Asked in the House of Commons.

I found adding lots of spurious detail that ds was too little to understand tended to make the fibs go down better - possibly he was too bemused to argue. Sadly this technique has not worked for some time - any hints on ways to tell convincing lies for 6yos would be gratefully received.

Had walked in stressed one day from school run and forgotten to unset the alarm properly.
Ignored the ringing phone (alarm company but I hadn't put two and two together) as was still uberstressed trying to throw some food on the table for the 4urchins.
5 minutes later the door was being banged on and I spotted a policeman looking through the kitchen window after having jumped over the side gate to check the house and occupants were alright and not being held hostage etcetc.
Told the 4urchins that they had come to check that they'd had their 5-a-day!!

edam finally I have cried with laughter over a post on mumsnet! Congratulations.

I think the article mistakes lying to protect/shield your child with abusing your position of superior knowledge and understanding.

The problem seems to be more 'empty threats' (i.e. you won't go to Disneyland) than one of 'lies'. Generally, it's a bad idea to threaten consequences you can't or won't follow through on, equally you don't tell your two year old that Granny is dead, just dead, and she's going to be put in a box and put in the ground.

It is a mix of speaking to your child in an age-appropriate way, proper parenting and a little bit of fun & magic, not a choice between outright lies or bald truth.

That article has been bugging me all day!

Thanks Chaos - the woman who stopped me was older and gave me a knowing 'we've all been there' grin, bless her.

Wondering, ds went through a stage of being fascinated by the idea of graves and what you do with dead bodies (we walk through the churchyard regularly). He was really interested when I explained that one of his grandads had died before he (ds, obv.) was born. Didn't seem to worry him at all, more a spirit (oops) of scientific enquiry.

Some children would be OK with that - I meant more that you try to shield children from the reality of death when they are bereaved and upset. The article seemed to suggest that 'lying' about Grandad being a star in heaven was wrong.

I think that's ludicrous, it's just a comforting story.

My most used one is 'mommy magic'. 'How did you know it was me that broke it?' - mommy magic. 'I'm scared the monster will come up through the floor when I'm in bed' - your room is protected by mommy magic. Get the picture? Eldest boy has rumbled it now, but still likes to hear it, and uses it to reassure little brother.

I tell children I have an inbuilt lie detector and eyes in the back of my head. Yes, they're lies, but they work until they're old enough to suss out I'm joking and appreciate the joke.

Crocodiles under the freezer is just plain weird, but my parents did tell me when we were camping by the sea (and I was little) that I absolutely HAD to be in bed by 9 or all the crabs would come up out of the sea and pinch me until I went to bed - I was terrified of crabs.

I agree with wondering and think there is a whole world of difference between the little white lies that enhance a child's life and those that are merely empty threats.

I happily tell my children all about Father Christmas, the tooth fairy, birthday fairy and so on.... but do not use lies as threats for someone else to come and punish them. I see that as my job and all discipline comes from me.

That said, my 6 year old DD does believe that she once drunk coke and it made her sick - so she now refuses to go anywhere near fizzy drinks and she still believes in 'white coke'. So those functional lies that get them to behave without the fear, I'm not so sure about... but I think we all do them!

frakkin - you have just reminded me of one I do use, as was used on me by my mother... I have eyes int he back of my head that can see round corners and up stairs.

Works a treat when I know DS isn't tidying his room/getting dressed etc and claims he is and how do I know he's not

I would never tell scary lies but have to laugh at dp,who when scoffing illicit chocolate is asked by ds "what are you eating,Daddy?" manages to mumble,straightfaced "my tongue!"

"if you don't behave at nursery you'll have to go to another school where the other children will beat you up" WTF!!! Yeah, I'd "love to tell" that one to my kids

Glad that everyone seems to think this is a bit of an odd article. DS is only 1 so I haven't had to make any lying decisions yet, but with Christmas coming I am starting to think about how I will deal with Father Christmas, the tooth fairy etc. I don't really know what I will do, and I am sure that I will lie to my children, from Father Christmas and the tooth fairy to politeness eg yes that looks lovely. I might also say something that (I hope) they will know is untrue straight away like 'I am going to turn into a tickling monster if you don't go upstairs now' - more to diffuse tension iyswim? But the lies in the article struck me as ridiculous and damaging and I can't ever see myself telling lies designed to scare/terrify. There was scope for a much more thoughtful article on Father Christmas, death, religion, when and what to tell about divorce etc. and this was just a waste of space!