Why men can't apologise

[MrsMerryHenry]

here

This article really is just a post-it note, isn't it? It just begins to scratch the surface and then 'byeeeee!'.

My DH and I learned about the power of a heartfelt apology on a marriage enrichment course which we did about 2/3 years into our marriage. It revolutionised our conflicts - we learned to recognise the fact that even though we may not have intended to hurt each other by saying xyz, the fact remained that we did hurt each other and the only way to deal with that was to apologise. It really was like 'verbal honey', as Dr Spurs writes.

Somehow my DH has lost the will to do that over the years. We do have a great relationship but we resolve our conflicts far less effectively than we used to. On the few occasions when I'm able to squeeze out an apology from him it's given so perfunctorily that I feel even more enraged than before. I don't think it would be biased of me to say that I do still apologise without being asked, but I long for the days when both of us would do it.

Maybe I'll suggest we do that marriage enrichment course again.

MZapp - I totally recognise that 'I do so many things for her, I should be allowed to get away with x unrelated thing'. The way it manifests itself in our household is let's say I ask DH to please not do x as it inconveniences me in blah blah ways. He'll then say: 'Well, you do y, which inconveniences me.' So I ask how in God's name x and y are related - surely we can deal with the prooblem of x first, and then move on to y afterwards? But he insists that there is some bizarre relationship between the two - it's almost a bargaining thing, as if to say 'I'll only do what you ask if you also do this thing that I ask'. It's bloody infuriating because it is a classic distracting technique, when it would just be more mature to say 'Sorry, of course I'll try and help in future. Now, on a separate note, could you help me by not doing y' (still keeping up? Not sure I am! ).

Pan, where you said: 'Gender-wise, maybe we blokes have more ocassion to say sorry, but its indicative of the state of inter-gender relations.' - could you expand this point? Cheers!

MitochondrialEve - yes, I used to be MTH, aka MrsThierryHenry.

"yes, I used to be MTH, aka MrsThierryHenry"

so does your name change mean he's had a second divorce in 2 years?i'll call the sun

You'll be MrsLennyHenry next. Poor thing

(hang on a minute, do you mean poor me, or poor him? )

MrsMH - an observation that as a gender we tend to be less 'evolved' and that means being more inconsiderate, socially clumsy, likely to be more violent, blinkered and a bit selfish, focussed on small things without taking the bigger/longer view...that sort of thing. So....we I would guess would have more ocassion to apologise forthings, usually carelessly huring other's feelings, yet we, as a result of all of the above, perceive less the need to make one, and are less equipped to summon up the requirements to make one, and rather become over-awed by our own emotions esp. when under emotional pressure..and we tend to write in ridiculously long sentences.

is what I mean.

I hope you are being facetious Pan!

Men aren't less evolved. Christ - imagine the outcry if thgat claimn were made about women. I think you need to have a look at this - Don't let the title put you off!

No not at all MT!

This thread is about the willingness/ability to apologise, and all of the stuff I said above rings true, IME.

The link is re another thread about that particular article - some of that appears to have some validity, some of it is a bit of 'social theorising' that is non-specific and not open to evidence.

Both of these are mutually exclusive, so wot I rote and the points of the article can be true atthe same time.

Less evolved? When it comes to making apologies, def. so.

" some of that appears to have some validity, some of it is a bit of 'social theorising'" - just trying to assess that at the mo - it is defo interesting tho.

"Less evolved? When it comes to making apologies, def. so."
I dunno. Again - assessing. I have no interest in finding for or against - I'm just interesred in what is actually occuring. Evidence for either sex being 'less' evolved in aything is v weak. It's a matter of trade offs it seems. But again - assesing