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Original poster

Why men can't apologise

109 replies

MrsMerryHenry · 20/02/2009 10:53

here

This article really is just a post-it note, isn't it? It just begins to scratch the surface and then 'byeeeee!'.

My DH and I learned about the power of a heartfelt apology on a marriage enrichment course which we did about 2/3 years into our marriage. It revolutionised our conflicts - we learned to recognise the fact that even though we may not have intended to hurt each other by saying xyz, the fact remained that we did hurt each other and the only way to deal with that was to apologise. It really was like 'verbal honey', as Dr Spurs writes.

Somehow my DH has lost the will to do that over the years. We do have a great relationship but we resolve our conflicts far less effectively than we used to. On the few occasions when I'm able to squeeze out an apology from him it's given so perfunctorily that I feel even more enraged than before. I don't think it would be biased of me to say that I do still apologise without being asked, but I long for the days when both of us would do it.

Maybe I'll suggest we do that marriage enrichment course again.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 21:39

No, that wasn't me!

Lou33 - I think (and you've probably realised this yourself) that you'll probably have to let this one go for the sake of salvaging the friendship. What do you think?

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Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 21:40

Sorry - no, anyfucker, that wasn't me!

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AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 21:46

I'm glad MrsMerryHenry, cos that lady was very upset

lou33 · 23/02/2009 22:01

i still dont know if i can salvage it in my head, as his actions made me see our relationship in a whole new light

maybe i should just go to bed and wake up in about 6months time?

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 22:13

blimey, what did he do

lou33 · 23/02/2009 22:18

let me down hugely and made me wonder if continuing the friendship will only see him repeating his actions (this is the 2nd time he has done this since xmas)at some point

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 22:20

, no wonder you are re-considering your friendship

thumbwitch · 23/02/2009 22:22

Actually my DH is an awful lot better than I am at apologising. I am rubbish at it.

lou33 · 23/02/2009 22:25

but back to the thread, saying sorry is one thing, but there is no point really if you dont actually mean it, or think sorry will absolve you so you can go right ahead and do it again another time

Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 22:38

Thumbwiiiiiitch!! . So your DH's apologetic nature hasn't rubbed off on you, then?

Lou33 - you're absolutely right, that kind of apology just inflames the situation. Is it really crux point, with your friend, then? You're right about wanting to wake up 6 months later - all friendships go through ebbs and flows and ultimately I've found that sticking with my most valued relationships (through good and bad times) has always been beneficial to the friendship and to me personally.

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Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 22:38

I think I meant 'is it really crunch time'!

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Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 22:39

Anyfucker - oh dear, did she embarass herself? Poor love!

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thumbwitch · 23/02/2009 22:41

I must admit, it is shaming - even when we have both been at fault in a 'dispute' (ha!), he is the one who comes and apologises for being an arse and I sometimes manage to grunt a "yeh, sorry too" - pathetic, me.
He is very open emotionally, not something I was ever used to in men before. But I like it! saves a lot of time sulking.

Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 22:49

It must be annoying because sulking can be so pleasurable...in a bitter sort of way!

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solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 23/02/2009 22:51

SOmetimes, the person who wants to be apologised to is being an oversensitive PITA though. If you know you haven't done anything wrong, why apologise just to feed some idiot's ego?

lou33 · 23/02/2009 22:54

i think it is crunch time actually, having to decide what to do is actually making me quite emotional, and i am not one to get tearful

Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 23:07

Or, solidgold, it could be that the person refusing to apologise has actually hurt the other person but is so insensitive that they haven't realised it. I recently had a conversation with an old friend (a very intelligent chap, btw) during which he took great care over detailing his friends' weaknesses and demonstrating how they failed to handle certain types of conversation with him. Every time I tried to point out that he was making them responsible and himself completely lacking in any culpability whatsoever, he...(can you guess?) volleyed it back! We all hurt people from time to time, sometimes we're aware of it and sometimes we're not. But if someone tells you that you've hurt them by doing xyz, the way you handle that information indicates something about one's level of security and intra + interpersonal awareness.

Lou33 - good luck with making that decision.

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Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 23:08

Btw apologising when you've hurt someone is clearly not about 'feeding some idiot's ego' .

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lou33 · 23/02/2009 23:13

thanks mmh

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 23/02/2009 23:59

MrsMH: but sometimes it is. Some people take offence where none was intended and use their 'hurt feelings' as a weapon. Sometimes 'Oh, fuck off' is a far more reasonable response to someone who demands an apology.

UnquietDad · 24/02/2009 00:25

Interesting about apologising to children. I have done so - can't remember off the top of my head if I have done so for saying something factually wrong, but I certainly have for speaking sharply to them when it wasn't really warranted for the level of the misdemeanour.

I can't remember my parents ever doing that. I just grew up thinking parents just didn't do apologies or ever admitting they were wrong.

Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 24/02/2009 00:26

UD, when you were a kid, what did you think of the fact that your folks never apologised? IMO kids can see right through that sort of thing.

Solidgold - we're never going to agree on this!

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thumbwitch · 24/02/2009 00:41

'sfunny that - I have apologised to DS (not that he understood, I'm fairly sure, as he is only now 14.5mo) for losing my rag when tired and really stressed and therefore probably over-reacting - so I don't suffer completely from lack of ability to apologise! I think my problem stems from coming from a family where admitting a fault (by saying sorry) opened you up to further teasing/abuse/ridicule/whinging - but DS can't do that.

mayorquimby · 24/02/2009 11:38

"MrsMH: but sometimes it is. Some people take offence where none was intended and use their 'hurt feelings' as a weapon. Sometimes 'Oh, fuck off' is a far more reasonable response to someone who demands an apology. "

completely agree. have experienced that with both male friends and ex-gf's, so not gender specific.
have had male friends who want to turn every little disagreement into an argument or take anything the wrong way just to have what they liked to call a "debate" but in reality was just a pointless rant.nothing to be gained from apologising there as they'd take it as validation of their rightness.
had a couple of ex-gf's who when having any kind of discussion or argument, be it politics or a who was in the wrong argument, would burst in to tears at the first sign of being wrong and completely change the subject onto how i didn't care about them. once again nothing to be gained from apologising, everything to be gained from just leaving the room and talking about it later.

this is not to say i'm perfect and always first with a sincere and well placed apology, my worst situation for apologising can be when i feel someone is being over-pc or looking to be offended by something intended as humouros and then admittedly getting an apology for me is like getting blood from a stone.i just simply do not agree with the gender stereotypes

UnquietDad · 24/02/2009 13:45

Mrs MH - I resented it but just assumed parents never did.