Why men can't apologise

[MrsMerryHenry]

here

This article really is just a post-it note, isn't it? It just begins to scratch the surface and then 'byeeeee!'.

My DH and I learned about the power of a heartfelt apology on a marriage enrichment course which we did about 2/3 years into our marriage. It revolutionised our conflicts - we learned to recognise the fact that even though we may not have intended to hurt each other by saying xyz, the fact remained that we did hurt each other and the only way to deal with that was to apologise. It really was like 'verbal honey', as Dr Spurs writes.

Somehow my DH has lost the will to do that over the years. We do have a great relationship but we resolve our conflicts far less effectively than we used to. On the few occasions when I'm able to squeeze out an apology from him it's given so perfunctorily that I feel even more enraged than before. I don't think it would be biased of me to say that I do still apologise without being asked, but I long for the days when both of us would do it.

Maybe I'll suggest we do that marriage enrichment course again.

Love is always being prepared to say sorry

my friend has apologised more profusely and said he promises it will never happen again and he misses me

he wanted me to go meet him today for a cup of tea but i couldnt, but i think i will accept his apology and see if we can put it behind us

but i did say to him, just to make it clear, that if he ever upset me again like this i would kill him, which he agreed to

hopefully that issue wont crop up though

MQuimby - actually, the way you've explained it I agree. People can use apologies (or demands for them) as a manipulative, game-playing approach to relationships. I can't bear high maintenance people. They're so exhausting.

UQD - same here. Well done us for bucking our parental trend

thanks mmh, we shall see if he means it

Mrs MH - I think that's also to do with the way we teach apologising. As well as making it difficult to give apologies, it sets them up for occasions for manipulation, emotional demands etc. Whereas if it were just what it should be - a simple acknowledgement of hurt caused and regret for that - all those shenanigans would be absurd. (Even more absurd than they are.)

Lou, to me you seem forever lucky in finding love, even if it doesnt work out the way you (general sense) planned. I remember your occidental adventure. Is this connected?

MrsMHenry are you MTH? My friends call me MT. Which is handy for all of us!

and I just went thru 2 years of hell with someone who refused to say sorry. His philosphy was 'just don't do it anyway'

Thankfully, he has had an epiphany when faced with the highway.

so no 'cheesy platitides' here - should habe added. Am going now watching Manhunter

what adventure?

Don't want to get too specific - you wnet to airport to get bad news basically. Adventure in a non derogatory sense - just an emotional adventure.

do you mean when i went to thailand?

sorry am not up to full speed tonight, am confused

Yes. Thailand. Sorry. Am not stalking you - just remember!

ah ! no nothing to do with him, that was nearly 2 yrs ago now you know? time flies eh?

I am still with the same guy through all out trouble and out the other side I'm pleased to say, though your 'opportunities' did make me wonder - and that's why you are an inspiration, though maybe not so typical..I dunno, you have something

BTW, do you know where Malory went?

i dont sorry

i dont see myself as any kind of inspiration but i am flattered if i helped you somehow

Just glad you lived to fight another day

Yes, I think in lots of ways we do miss giving our children the finer filigree of our experiences as children - yes we pass on faults, and rely on them to dismiss those. But making genuine apologies is a mark of an intelligence that we CAN pass on so easily.
Gender-wise, maybe we blokes have more ocassion to say sorry, but its indicative of the state of inter-gender relations.

and yes lou, I recall the loss you faced re lover leaving to go to foreign climes. I attach that to you when seeing your name. Sorry.

Hello Pan - Mn is so big these days, its an evengt when you come across an oldie!

Hi you! An oldie indeed! I quite liked this thread, for reasons posted above. I post so little these days though some 'jus git me'.

well i cant let the bastards grind me down can i?

funny tho how you both remember that, it was nearly 2 yrs ago , i never expect anyone to rem,ember anything about threads i start, always surprises me when people do

DP hates apologising but over the years I've learned that if I give him time to cool off he will apologise spontaneously and laugh at how stupid he was. Trying to get him to apologise whilst still arguing or in the sulking stage is utterly pointless.

And to pick up on what somebody said earlier, I too have a DP who thinks 'I do so many things for her, I should be allowed to get away with x unrelated thing'.

I'm forever having to say (as if speaking to a child), 'Yes, I appreciate you picking me up from work last week. But now I'm asking you to remember to buy toilet roll' etc etc.

V wearing really!

It's the difference between higher level and lower level stuff isn't it - higher level stuff you do automatically - earn money, look after kids. Lower level stuff is about respect, the stuff that maintains intimate relationships (which the former doesn't).

DP ofren says 'I do enough' (as in being promary carer) and thinks that is enough, not realising I do my share of higher level stuff too, - and he wants thanks, when I just want help.

though that might just be bollocks