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Original poster

Why men can't apologise

109 replies

MrsMerryHenry · 20/02/2009 10:53

here

This article really is just a post-it note, isn't it? It just begins to scratch the surface and then 'byeeeee!'.

My DH and I learned about the power of a heartfelt apology on a marriage enrichment course which we did about 2/3 years into our marriage. It revolutionised our conflicts - we learned to recognise the fact that even though we may not have intended to hurt each other by saying xyz, the fact remained that we did hurt each other and the only way to deal with that was to apologise. It really was like 'verbal honey', as Dr Spurs writes.

Somehow my DH has lost the will to do that over the years. We do have a great relationship but we resolve our conflicts far less effectively than we used to. On the few occasions when I'm able to squeeze out an apology from him it's given so perfunctorily that I feel even more enraged than before. I don't think it would be biased of me to say that I do still apologise without being asked, but I long for the days when both of us would do it.

Maybe I'll suggest we do that marriage enrichment course again.

OP posts:
edam · 23/02/2009 18:34

agree with you about the importance of apologising to children when you are in the wrong, Pan. How on earth are they ever to learn it's OK to say sorry if it's not something their parents do to them? if they only see you apologising to other grown-ups, it just gives the message this is about status.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 18:47

I once made my PIL's absolutely gobsmacked by ringing dd13 from their house, to apologise for the way I had spoken to her before we left the house that morning......

they just didn't get it at all

when we caught up later, she just smiled at me (not a gloaty smile, btw) and everything was as it was....

ABetaDad · 23/02/2009 18:47

Here is what one of our most famous Admirals said:

Lord 'Johnnie' Fisher

?Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now. Never contradict. Never explain. Never apologise*.?

He was bloke - obviously

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 18:50

oh, is that who I quoted ?

I thought it was Wallis Simpson or somesuch

Or did she say "you can't be too rich, or too thin"

I'm a bit clueless on quotes

ABetaDad · 23/02/2009 18:54

Apparently The Queen likes to use the quote as well.

Jux · 23/02/2009 19:15

I'm afraid dh behaves like a spoilt brat when he should just apologise

Everyone in my family apologised easily and sincerely and I find dh's teenage wriggling very hard to cope with. I have asked him to just say sorry, but he turns me into his mum and acts like he's stayed out too late and he doesn't get any space and all that crap. It's funny in retrospect but not at the time.

I do question the stereotype though, as I find myself doing it with dh which I am pretty sure is simply because that's what I get from him. Annoys me when I sink to that level.

ABetaDad · 23/02/2009 19:21

I have been thinking about this quite deeply.

If I am 'in the right' in an arguement then surely I should not have to apologise?

If I have done nothing wrong then surely I should not have to apologise?

This is the logic that men use.

As we are never wrong and never say or do anything wrong then it follows that we should never have to apologise. Its not that we do not want to apologise - its just that we have nothing to apologise for.

Honestly, this REALLY is how men think about the issue of apology.

Once a woman understand this and does not try to force an apology which forces a man to accept he is wrong then she is half way there. Instead, if she just bursts into tears then I assure you an abject apology will follow.

[Dig own grave, climb in, wait for burial]

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 19:33

< throws in first handful of dirt >

MrsTittleMouse · 23/02/2009 20:21

But there are many many arguements where there isn't a definitive "right" or "truth" though, aren't there? Things like "do we have a big wedding?" or "should we have a child?" or "where is the best place to live?".

DH and I are both logical and have had very logical professions and were very hung up on "right", which is why my Dad's advice was so good. We needed it!

twinsetandpearls · 23/02/2009 20:31

I think it is down to personality but my dp never aplogises and never thinks he does anything wrong. We are in relationship counselling, have been for a good few months now and this is something that has come to light.

As we have gone through issues that have caused us problems I have repeatedly apologised whereas he just doesnt. In fact in sic years he has apologised once at most twice.

Some of it I think is down to the way he thinks, he has a science engineerinbg background, so there is either right or wrong. So if I have apologised I am in the wrong and he is in the right.

It is quite infuriating to live with at times.

twinsetandpearls · 23/02/2009 20:32

I see lots of other people have said similar, I had a tea break mid post.

twinsetandpearls · 23/02/2009 20:33

I agree about apologising to children if you are wrong, i do this as a teacher and I know it is something that earns me a lot of repsect from my students.

Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 20:40

Pan - ROFL re extended snogging session! . It was me that said it's not just for romance . I do apologise to my 2 yo DS and the other day, it was so sweet, he was doing his usual 'let's repeat what mummy says and then I can get the words right for when I need them' and he kept saying: 'I'm so sorry, DS, I didn't mean to make you jump'.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 20:45

AnyFucker - you are marvellous.

ABetaDad - you said it. The Queen, that exemplary model of emotional intelligence . Your explanation of men's 'logic' (as if logic were the most important element of knowing how to relate well?!) is interesting and probably spot on. The thing is, even if there is a right and wrong in a given argument, lots of times we trample over each other to prove ourselves correct. And that hurts. So by apologising, genuinely for hurting your beloved (and what good reason can any sensible person come up with for not doing that?), you poor soothing oil on troubled waters and, as Pan said earlier, hopefully end up in an extended snogging session. Win-win.

Whoever it was that said 'do you want to be right or do you want to be married?' summed it up beautifully, IMO.

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 23/02/2009 20:56

You are absolutley right MrsMerryHenry.

That is why women must burst into tears to show their man how hurt they are. Arguing with him and making him apologise just feeds his desire to prove he is right.

Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 20:59

Right, I need to find a way to leak onion juice under my eyes just at the right moment!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 21:01

oo ta MrsMerryHenry

you not so bad yourself?

btw, are you the same person as a recent Xmas-themed Merry poster?

lou33 · 23/02/2009 21:06

am in this exact scenario atm, with my best friend who is male

he did something a few days ago that hurt me , and has said he is sorry, but the underlying tone was that he was only saying it to placate me, and that i was overreacting

i have tried explaining why i am not appeased and that whilst saying sorry is one thing he has to actually understand why he is saying it and mean it as well

am v v upset by it all

he asked if we could kiss and make up, and i told him i hadnt done anything wrong, but wasnt sure i could trust him again not to let me down so badly in the future, to which i have had no reply

if he hadnt tried to make out like i was overreacting and was dismissive in his apology then we may well have cleared the air by now

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 21:10

bloody hell lou, so the stereotype hangs true even when you are friends rather than partners ?

sorry you are upset, he must have acted like an arse

Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 21:14

lou33, I hate those kind of discussions - it just gets more and more complicated the more you try to explain your feelings; and the more you try to explain the more you realise he'll never understand.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

I feel your pain.

Anyfucker - possibly...! I was MrsThierryHenry and have now kept my Xmas name.

OP posts:
lou33 · 23/02/2009 21:16

seems that way doesnt it?

i think he finally gets why i am so upset, and he has said another sorry which felt more genuine, but he still left it by saying that when i had "calmed down" to call him

Original poster
MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 21:17

Grr.

OP posts:
lou33 · 23/02/2009 21:23

am too down about it to be angry now, its been 3 days

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 21:23

no sorry, thinking of someone else

you are not merrypheasantplucker?

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 21:24

did you post about it lou?