Guardian article on SAHMs

[branflake81]

here

When your children are at school, to some extent you also stop being the person looking after your child. Also most fathers who work are not looking after their children for most of teh time so why don't they get any stick.

Agree jellybeans, that paid employment isnt the MAIN thing in life. But for most people it's going to be a fairly major part of their adult life, which is why my main aspiration for my children, after finding a partner they are happy with (if that's what they choose) is that they find a means of employment that they find stimulating and empowering. The reality for all but a very privileged few of us is that our children will need to work to be independent adults. (I know of only one teenager who is set to inherit a large amount of money and will technically be able to live off it once he reaches 18). So, it's vitally important to me that they can do this in a way which is using their talents and skills.
People sometimes have such a negative view of paid employment. Enjoyment, fulfilment and going to work are not mutually exclusive you know! My work enables me to be intellectually stimulated, it provides a social network, keeps me up to date in advances in my particular field... and gives me an income. I hope that by having this role model, my children are more likely to see work in a positive way, rather than dreading adulthood and thinking that work is all about being a wage slave. I don't mean that I expect my kids to follow exactly in my footsteps career wise, but that I want them to have a broad view of work which embraces doing something which uses their talents.

Fathers don't get stick because it is generally assumed that they are taking responsibility for their families by earning a living.

Bringing up children is a 24-hour a day, 365-day of the week responsibility until they start school (when the state starts to share the responsibility, albeit for a small percentage of the hours in the year, with parents). Mothers or fathers who stay at home to bring up their children deserve to be applauded, not derided, for their sense of responsibility. But no child needs both parents at home all day long.

Ihave a question. How much do you have to do as a SAHM with pre-school children children anapart from teh child care aren't all the things you do (washing, cooking, tidying up) things you would be doing anyway if you were working. I mean someone has to do them?

I think it's fine if a couple wants to have those traditional roles but anyone would think keeping a home reasonably tidy and iin order was a tough job.

BTW kitty, the law does not dictate that children have to attend school. If you view school in such negative terms, and see allowing your child to be in the care of another responsible adult as 'sad', I sincerely hope you intend to home educate!!

365 day of the year

Personally, I find that keeping a home tidy, clean and stocked with food, with clean clothes for everyone, takes about 25 hours a week (some of which we subcontract). Obviously those hours will depend on how many people live in the house, their ages, how easy the logistics of shopping are, how many changes of clothes they have, how many meals they eat a week at home and the quality of the food...

So when both people are working where on earth do they find those 25 hours? Maybe they don't. Maybe working families are mostly living in shit-pits with empty cupboards and naked children?

What I mean is you don't have to be SAHM to keep things running smoothly!

and if 2 of you are taking equal responsibility then it's a lot easier to find the 12.5 hours you both need to get things done in.

OK beaniesteve, but say that both partners are doing a 40 hour week in paid employment, plus five hours commute each (so 90 hours outside the home), plus they do the 25 hours of household work themselves (and that is without a garden) - when do they spend time with their children, bringing them up? It doesn't leave much time. Many SAHMs want to be at home so that they can spend time with their children without other things getting in the way.

I would say at least 25 when you factor in cooking meals etc (we tend to cook from scratch so evening meal is a long drawn out affair). But then the kids are involved, we sit around the kitchen table chopping veg etc and chatting about our day at work/school whatever. (God that makes us sound like the Waltons. We do argue too!!)
So preparing, cooking, eating and clearing up a meal could take up to 3 hours, but then that's not full on activity, it's pottering about. I tend to do as little cleaning as possible, it's boring. The washing does itself (well, me, dh or the kids put it in the machine) and I've discovered that ironing is unecessary apart from when going for job interviews. I would imagine most parents manage a similar anount of chores, fitting it into everyday life around their work outside the home. None of it is rocket science after all.

I think there is probably much less housework and cooking etc going on if your child is being cared for elsewhere all day though. When I was f/t at work, I found the house pretty tidy when I got home!! (DD had been in nursery all day)

jellybeans - agree entirely, just by virtue of the fact that mother and children are at home housework is created in a huge way

But if your children leave the house when you do & return when you do, you don't have so much cleaning & tidying as you do if they are there all day scattering lego and putting sticky fingers everywhere.

Whoops x post there with anna. I think mine kind of answers your point tho anna. I don't compartmentalise in the way you do. We all eat, so we all cook. My kids have helped with peeling potatoes etc since they could sit up at the table. Likewise with tidying/cleaning. After all, my kids will have their own homes one day, so the sooner they learn how to run a home the better. I believe kids learn through doing... if a SAHM runs around doing all the cleaning and cooking while the kids are at playgroup or school then are they going to grow up thinking the magic fairy does the housework?! I just don't buy this idea that you are either 'doing the chores' or 'spending time bringing up your child'. Life consists of work, household chores, eating, cooking, playing..... let your children LIVE.

We try to minimise housework when we are all together as a family as we have other, better things to do (frankly, we are usually very pressed for time). Compartmentalisation is just a necessary fact of life.

"OK beaniesteve, but say that both partners are doing a 40 hour week in paid employment, plus five hours commute each (so 90 hours outside the home), plus they do the 25 hours of household work themselves (and that is without a garden) - when do they spend time with their children, bringing them up?"

I would say they are mental and should perhaps get a less demanding job with no commute.

We are a busy family too anna, but I can think of few better things than sitting around as a family, cooking and eating together and chatting about our day/life/the universe. I speak as a full time working parent, but your life sounds way too pressurised anna

Well, OK, beaniesteve...

My partner is gone for 60 hours a week minimum. I work 20 hours a week in paid employment. I think we have it very, very easy compared with most people around us...

No it's not pressurised, but we don't enjoy doing chores together. We enjoy going to the hairdresser or shopping or to visit a new town or a museum or restaurant...

We enjoy those things too anna. But cooking and eating are part of everyday life, and I believe it's helpful if children can learn to be involved in them and enjoy them as early as possible, so that they aren't simply reliant on the more expensive and less everyday things to find enjoyment.
Likewise, I want my children to be able to tidy/clean up etc as it's a useful skill, assuming that they may have to do it themselves one day. As I said, I find most chores boring so we hardly spend any time on them, just on the cooking. That's one of the reasons I prefer to go out to work in an interesting job... a lot of domestic stuff is not stimuating.

I would not want to live my life like that. Would rather have both of us working for an average but resonable wage in jobs we like going to, so that we can both spend the rest of the time with our family and doing the things we enjoy.

A question. When you became a SAHM or F did you start spending more time on housework stuff?

My eldest 4 kids aged from 9 to 4 help with the housework, that includes hoovering tidying, doing the kitchen, dishwasher, wiping down dirt etc. That way I get more time to spend with them.

beaniesteve - when I became a SAHM I got rid of my cleaner and took over the domestic stuff myself.

I do the lion's share of domestic stuff as my dh is frequently away on business, so isn't around to help out.

Seems a perfectly reasonable and equitable arrangemnt to me as my kids are both in school.