"Doesn't Ben Goldacre say something along the lines of that the Mail justifies its existence by trying to categorise every substance known to man in either "stuff that causes cancer" or "stuff that cures cancer"."
From Uncyclopedia
The Daily Hypochondriac
At least once a week the Daily Mail likes to take some time off sticking the boot into dark-skinned foreigners to report on a health fad or some medical feelgood/scare stories they pulled out of their arse. The fact that these stories frequently contradict the ones they published last week is entirely besides the point. Clinical studies have shown that none of their readers' attention spans last that long.
Things which cure/prevent cancer
Cloudy apple juice, tea, spicy food, a Mediterranean diet, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, E-coli, apples, peanuts, soya, your blood cells, evening primrose oil, red wine, breast milk (provided it's never consumed in public), white bread (see below), a fibre-rich diet, watercress, coffee, chocolate and reading the Daily Mail.
Things which cause cancer
Being tall at 14, being fat, cooking oil, IVF, being female, fizzy drinks, being poor (which of course is a good thing), being sexually active before 28, crisps, chips, not having children before 27, biscuits, breakfast cereals, remaining sexually active after 29, baby food, drugs, having children before 26, WiFi (whatever that is), being male, voting Labour, white bread (see above), water, Mobile phone masts situated near schools (Masts elsewhere are fine, as are the phones themselves) breast milk (when consumed in public), driving when you're under 24, and immigrants.