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Original poster

So when do you teach about "Stranger Danger" and "Good Touch, Bad Touch"

63 replies

ELF1981 · 05/07/2007 13:18

I had no immediate plans to teach my daughter anybody about stranger danger or good touch bad touch.
The recent debates in this section (though I would appreciate if this does not turn to a mud slinging event!) has made me ponder that if I have no plans to yet, when should I think about it?
She's only just turned 21 months old so I dont think she's anywhere near as capable of understanding.
I'm also kind of buring my head in the sand, because I think, when is she going to go off with a stranger, she's always with me/DH or the childminder, so I may be being naive in assuming that she doesn't need to know until she's older, like going to nursery etc when there is not going to be an adult solely looking after her iyswim.
So when do you teach these things?

OP posts:
SueBaroo · 05/07/2007 13:26

Well, my 5 year old knows not to wander off alone. They all know that their various bits are private and special. That about as far as it's gone so far.

AbRoller · 05/07/2007 13:30

DD is 7. Knows same as Sue's dc and good secrets/bad secrets.

hippipotami · 05/07/2007 13:31

My ds is nearly 8. He knows the bare minimum about not wandering off, not following strangers, not even for puppies/kittens/sweets.

Dd is 4. She knows nothing - it is my responsibility to keep her safe.

Have not approached the touching thing - it feels way over the top to me. I have told him only he is allowed to look at and touch his willie. But have not gone into the fact that 'other poeple may want to touch and it is wrong' because it feels too soon. Also, he is not placed in situations where someone may want to look at his bits, so.... argh, lost my train of thought, but the answer is no.

Hulababy · 05/07/2007 13:34

Similar to SueBaroo describes for my 5yo DD.

For stranger danger, we have talked about not wandering off, knowing where mummy/daddy is when out, and what to do if she does become lost: stand still, shout for us by our name (not just mummy, etc), not to walk away with someone, even children, to go to a policeman, assistant at a till (if in a shop) or a mummy with another little child with them to tell them they are lost. When we go to very busy placesm such as Disney or a theme park, she wears a paper bracelet thing with our number insdie it.

Original poster
ELF1981 · 05/07/2007 13:40

Hippi - I know what you mean about the not being placed in those situations. DD is looked after mainly by me, dh and the cm and some family members. I have a small piece of faith in the human race and do wonder when I'll need to tell her, as she isn't placed in those situations.
When we're out, she's either on reins or in the pushchair.
Phew, sounds like I have a couple of years or so before I tell her.
I was discussing the whole McCann / Shrek debate with a friend and she is telling her dd about these things and I panicked as my dd feels far too young to even comprehend (and there is only a few weeks between them!)

OP posts:
slim22 · 05/07/2007 14:19

Ds is just over 3.
I tell him not to wander off, he still does. Then I explain that if we come to be separated, we might have a very difficult time finding him and he might wander for a very long time and be alone outside in the dark with no mummy or daddy to kiss him goodnight.
He understands so much. As to strangers all being potential baddis, he just gives me a blank look.
As for good/bad touch, I have not used that approach. How do you possibly explain that? I mean good vs bad. It's a twisted approach imo.
It's just simply off limits and that's that. Why would he allow anyone to touch?????

hippipotami · 05/07/2007 14:28

slim, you are right. there is no good touch if it is done by a stranger. only bad touch. so the bottom line is - only you can touch your bits. (because ds is nearly 8 and I am most definately not touching anything!)

Beetroot · 05/07/2007 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Beetroot · 05/07/2007 14:31

slim - imo you should explain.

great books to help you

PrettyCandles · 05/07/2007 14:32

Once ours began noticing that mummy and daddy have williy etc - usually by them commenting on the hair - and wanting to touch us there, we taught them that 'willies are private' and that no-one touches them there without their permission.

aloha · 05/07/2007 14:34

My ds knows that nobody is ever allowed to tell him to keep a secret from his mummy and daddy (unless it is daddy making a present for mummy ), and if they ask, he must tell us right away.
He knows to stay with me because accidents can happen and he needs a grown up to look after him.
DD two, knows nothing, doesn't need to, wouldn't understand anyway.

shelly2kids · 05/07/2007 14:37

Hi, I'm new but thought I would post my advise. My 3 year old daughter knows nothing, but she is always with me.

My just turned 9 year daughter only knows about not to go with strangers, I have also told her in a nice kind of way, if she thought anything that was sort of differnt happened then, for her not to be afaid and tell me staight away.

I don't mean for her not to be afarid, if anything did happen, but not to be afraid about telling me anything.

lemonaid · 05/07/2007 14:51

DS is 2.5. He doesn't really understand the concept of strangers (although he does use the word "people" to mean "people I don't particularly know"). He knows not to wander off, although he doesn't always do it. I am working on "if you get separated from me, stay where you are and I will come and find you") but it's not really sinking in yet. And we've said that you shouldn't play with other people's willies when he goes for DH's in the bath like it's some particularly exciting toy . I think when these basic concepts show signs of being grasped we'll probably build on them with others (e.g. good people to ask for help if you get lost) but I suspect it won't be for a while.

PrettyCandles · 05/07/2007 14:55

I tell my children that secrets are for fun, so if a secret feels good and makes them happy, then it's OK to keep it, but if a secret worries them or makes them feel unhappy, then it's not a proper secret and the best thing to do is to tell Mummy or Daddy, or a teacher. Also that nobody has the right to ask them to keep a secret that they don't like or that they don't want to.

krang · 05/07/2007 15:12

Can anyone recommend any good books about stranger danger for kids? Ones that won't scare them but help to get the message across? My DS isn't old enough for them yet but would really like to have a look at them so me and DH can come up with a plan for when we do have to tell him stuff.

I like your secrets talk, PC. God, I have never even thought about the whole 'good/bad touching thing'...

Beetroot · 05/07/2007 15:20

Krang - I have two books which I have leant out - I will try and find them

Callisto · 05/07/2007 21:17

DD is a clingy 2.3 year old who is with me all day so I haven't done a 'talk' as such about stranger danger, though I think she knows that she mustn't wander off. As for good touch bad touch, only DP and I change nappies but she knows that her vulva is private and only to be cleaned if needed and not touched by anyone (including mummy and daddy) under any other circs. She seems cool about it and I wanted to start early to prevent hang-ups developing (my own included).

Catilla · 05/07/2007 21:25

What about being touched by doctors? They are usually "strangers" albeit introduced by parents and with parents present. But if the need should arise, examination would be fairly stressful anyway, never mind if they were thinking of stranger danger/bad touch. How do you approach this?

PrettyCandles · 05/07/2007 21:47

When ds1 needed to be examined at about 5yo, I was of course in the consulting room with him and the GP asked my permission before touching ds1's privates.

I have always told my LOs that, as they grow older and wiser and gain more experience, they will be better and better able to make decisions for themselves, but until then they have to rely on Mummy and Daddy to make many of the decisions for them. Ie when Mummy says the doctor can touch you then it is all right.

Original poster
ELF1981 · 05/07/2007 23:42

I think the whole Good Touch Bad Touch is based on a book with that title explaining different things?
A friend used it the other week (the sentence) and I thought it was commonly know.
Good advice on here, but got a long while before I need to address, feeling more at ease now, thanks!

OP posts:
slim22 · 06/07/2007 01:35

hi, sorry for the delay, I'm gmt+8 and you probably all sleeping now.
Would really be interested in those books as have no clue how to adress that good/bad thing.
tbh, I think 3 is too early to get that in their heads, mainly because appart from school, he's hardly ever out of our sight.So the no go approach is appropriate for now i think.
Anyhow, if there if there is a method that seems to work, willing to try 'cause, they grow so fast don't they? and I can't find the right words.

kiskidee · 06/07/2007 05:07

one of the seemingly easiest piece of advice for a parent to give or a child to take on board (maybe as a first lesson) is to put them in a swimming costume and say that if anyone touches you anywhere that is covered up by the costume and you don't like how it feels, then tell a parent or carer.

i haven't tried this out yet with dd as she is 2.

katelyle · 06/07/2007 05:56

I've never been particularly strong on 'stranger danger'.

I have made sure that they know what the arrangements would be if for some reason the person who they thought was going to collect them from somewhere couldn't. I've also gone through what they should do if they get lost. However, one thing I have made a point of saying is that it's OK to say "no" to a grown up, and no nice grown up will mind if a child says "no" or "I'll have to ask my mummy first". I think they are so conditioned to please adults that they do need to be given permission to be "rude" in some circumstances.

I've also said that they can chat to anyone if they are with me - I think it's sad when children aren't allowed to talk to, for example, old people on the bus because they are "strangers"

Another point that I think is important - I have never made them hug or kiss anyone they didn't want to - and I have always said thay they don't have to be hugged or kissed by anyone they don't want to. Even Grandma. Or me on occasion. This can be socially awkward sometimes (!) but as I said above "no nice grown up..etc"
After all, it does send a bit of a mixed message to say "Don't let anyone touch you in a way you don't like - oh and go and give Aunty Mabel a kiss"

quokka · 06/07/2007 06:17

I think its really important. My niece was molested by someone close to the family and I was too (different person) when we were both young. The reason we never said anything until a long time later was because we didn't realise it was wrong. The people who did it were step family members, so close but not family iykwim. I'm not saying that its likely to happen - but it can. I have been thinking about the right way and time to go about it as well. Think its getting to the time to talk to ds1. Am going to do some research on books.

Callisto · 06/07/2007 08:21

I don't insist on kissing relatives either as I too think it gives a really confusing message.