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Original poster

So when do you teach about "Stranger Danger" and "Good Touch, Bad Touch"

63 replies

ELF1981 · 05/07/2007 13:18

I had no immediate plans to teach my daughter anybody about stranger danger or good touch bad touch.
The recent debates in this section (though I would appreciate if this does not turn to a mud slinging event!) has made me ponder that if I have no plans to yet, when should I think about it?
She's only just turned 21 months old so I dont think she's anywhere near as capable of understanding.
I'm also kind of buring my head in the sand, because I think, when is she going to go off with a stranger, she's always with me/DH or the childminder, so I may be being naive in assuming that she doesn't need to know until she's older, like going to nursery etc when there is not going to be an adult solely looking after her iyswim.
So when do you teach these things?

OP posts:
Original poster
ELF1981 · 06/07/2007 12:17

kiskidee - your swimming costume talk is a good one.

OP posts:
haychee · 06/07/2007 12:24

When to teach these concepts? As soon as they ae able to have some understanding, as young as possible, without scaring them of course. It is a difficult task, and only you will know the best way to go about it for your particular child. There is no right or wrong answer here. Ideally none of us would want to have to talk to our kids about such things, but needs must in todays sad society.

haychee · 06/07/2007 12:26

((waiting for familiar mn users to tell me where to go))

MascaraOHara · 06/07/2007 12:27

As Sue says..

My (also) 5YO knows not to go off anywhere alone. That her bits are private and nobody should touch them.

She also 'knows' that secrets don't count with mummys. The only downside to this is that I always know what I'm getting as a gift on mothers day and the like

SueBaroo · 06/07/2007 12:39

haychee, you're back!

Twiglett · 06/07/2007 12:44

Was walking to the park with one of my friends about a year ago .. our 5 year old boys ran off down the round

DS stopped because he has never been allowed out of sight .. if he can't see me I can't see him .. her DS kept running round the bend

when we caught up with them I said 'Well Done DS you stopped in exactly the right place'

she said to her DS ' you must never run out of sight because someone in a car might come along and grab you and take you back to their house and get a big knife from the kitchen and stab you and hurt you'

farkin' hell

Twiglett · 06/07/2007 12:44

oh and and too .. stupid thing to say to a small child

FrannyandZooey · 06/07/2007 12:45

I thought it was the child that said that to your ds, Twig? I remember a thread about this before.

Twiglett · 06/07/2007 12:46

yeah I remember posting about it .. it was a while ago .. I'm fairly certain it was the mother who said it to her child .. but its all fuzzy .. have never forgotten the knife comment though

FrannyandZooey · 06/07/2007 12:47

yes here you go

it stuck in my mind for obvious reasons

did two separate people say it to your ds?

FrannyandZooey · 06/07/2007 12:47

oh sorry cross posts

it is a bit of a shocker, isn't it?

Twiglett · 06/07/2007 12:49

yeah it must have been the kid who said it .. because that's what his mother had told him maybe ..

see?

memory of a gnat

Twiglett · 06/07/2007 12:50

Franny has spookily accurate memory

NotQuiteCockney · 06/07/2007 12:51

My sister talks to her child all the time about this - about what she should do if someone tries to grab her.

It's all so stupid, the real risk is family and friends anyway.

I haven't had much of a chat with DS1 about these things (he's nearly 6). He's never out on his own, obviously. I do let him range away from me a bit, but he knows that he has earned this freedom by being reliable and not wandering off ever.

I probably do need to face this a bit, though - when he was in nursery, one of the other boys took to pinching him on the willy while they were in the loo. He told me, but I just thought he was making it up. (He wasn't distraught or anything, just annoyed.) It turned out to be true, the teacher caught him at it.

SueBaroo · 06/07/2007 12:51

@ that comment, Twiglett.

I suppose the shorthand for our approach is similar to our sex-ed approach. It's need-to-know, based on their age and individuality.

FrannyandZooey · 06/07/2007 12:53

To return to the OP, Ds is 4 and I have told him we don't go with people who are not close friends (we define close friends as people you have known for a long time and you have been to their house). And never to go into anyone's house, even if they are a close friend, without telling me first.

I have told him his body belongs to him him, and that if anyone wants to touch it in a way he doesn't like, it is ok for him to shout NO and that he should tell me about it. And that his willy and bottom are private and that other people shouldn't touch them, unless they are helping him in the toilet, and that even if they are helping him they shouldn't 'fiddle about' with them (couldn't think of a better way to explain it).

I think we are in general too paranoid about this, but these particular things seemed fairly common sense to me and have not alarmed ds in any way.

NotQuiteCockney · 06/07/2007 12:53

In North America, talking about this sort of thing with your kids is Very Very Normal. As was made evident on one of the Madeline/Shrek threads. They really really believe in stranger danger there.

On a recentish visit, my father asked if we had the same problem with child abductions in the UK as they have there. I said 'well, if you mean that they very rarely happen, but everyone is bloody paranoid about them anyway, even those children are mostly molested by family members and friends, and abducted by family? If so, yes. We have that'.

He harumphed a bit, and pointed out there had been an abduction recently in a nearby town. Oh, but it had turned out to be the estranged father who did it.

I really bloody well hate this attitude in Canada, when we are in Toronto, random strangers tell me off because my children have zoomed ahead a bit on their bikes. I mean FGS, sod off you useless wanker.

NotReallyFlashGordon · 06/07/2007 12:54

i haven't read the other posts (don't really know what it;s in reference to tbh), but...
i always said both these messages, in age appropriate ways of course, from as soon as ds could communicate. I also do not have 'secrets' in any circumstances so he knows there is never anything he can't tell me. i realise this may be a bit extreme, but i'm a social worker and have seen horrendous things people are able to do to others. i think it's about empowering your child to know what's ok and what to do if they're not feeling ok. you obviously start off in a very light way. the main message is that you are someone safe to tell anything.

FrannyandZooey · 06/07/2007 12:54

Twiglett yes sorry I do sometimes

your post just stuck in my mind, because, like you, I was horrified

NotQuiteCockney · 06/07/2007 12:54

Oh, I have had the 'willies are private' conversation. A few times. Most recently, in the context of him trying to get a friend's DD to photograph his.

Jacanne · 06/07/2007 12:55

We haven't done the "good touch bad touch" thing but we have talked about "stranger danger" with our 4yr old dd - mainly because she is so out going that she will talk to anyone.

My friend has done this with her dd (also 4) and asked her out of the blue what she would do if a stranger came and asked her to look at a puppy in his car - she was horrified when her dd replied that perhaps she would just go and look at the puppy. I tested this out on my dd yesterday, also asking her out of the blue - she replied that she would scream very loudly and run to me. The only scenario she wasn't sure about was if a stranger told her that I was waiting in his/her car - so we discussed this one further. She knows that if she gets lost she should approach a mummy with children or, if it's in a shop, the people who work behind the counter.

It's such a mine field though - I don't want to scare her, don't want her to lose her friendliness and confidence - I think I shall just ensure that she stays close until she's older. I've had several of those heart stopping moments when she wanders out of sight in a shop and then doesn't answer the first time I call her.

Boco · 06/07/2007 12:58

I've explained to both dds that they mustn't run off where i can't see them as they might get lost.

I would't explain stranger danger to my 2 year old as it would be confusing and not really make sense to her atm. She's very very sociable, chats to strangers all the time - and i don't actually feel like i want to frighten that out of her, but it is my responsibility to always be with her and make sure she's safe.

My 5 year old is quite shy of strangers - and a bit of a worryer - and when i first broached stranger danger she was freaked out and totally baffled - so just kept it simple - don't go off with someone you don't know. There's no way i'm telling them about paedophiles / sexual abuse etc at this point.

Twiglett · 06/07/2007 13:11

I have taught my children to say hello and smile at strangers actually .. because that's how one makes a stranger a friend

But they also know they are not allowed to go out sight and that their bodies are for them.

It is a tricky path to walk .. I want my children to be part of their community and not to see danger everywhere and I refuse to allow them to be terrified of 'strangers' .. sometimes 'strangers' are very nice

they need to learn common sense and until they are capable of working out what might be dangerous I'll be there to protect them .. they are not allowed out without an adult .. no playing on the streets etc

I refuse to see danger in every stranger

SueBaroo · 06/07/2007 13:12

The Snacktm speaks wisdom.

yellowvan · 06/07/2007 13:16

re good secrets/bad secrets: i use surprises (cos it has connotations of niceness) and secrets (bad), can't remember where I read about it but have found the distinction helpful with 5yo ds.

WRT stranger danger, have never given the talk about "a bad man might come and take you" as statistically it is just so highly unlikely.

I don't want to instill in him fear and paranoia of all and sundry unaccompanied adult males,he's such a literal person that he wouldn't be able to eg ask assistant in Tesco where the porridge is if he "must never talk to strangers".

I want a rule that is applicable in all circs so have drummed into him importance of us knowing where he is at all time, so if anyyone does try and lure him away to "look at the puupies" he will know to ask first.

Anyway , what happened to "strangers are just friends you haven't met yet"?