I did Criminology as part of my legal training (yes, I did legal training!) and I read just about every forensic book you can think of, I knew every gruesome detail of every crime and I thought I was immune to personal feelings. But then I did my case study on the Jamie Bulger case and everything changed. I still cannot talk about that case without crying. It had a fundamental effect on me.
Something else that changed me completely was having kids. I can no longer pick up a forensic psychiatry book. I gave them all away. I started to put myself into the victim's shoes, into the parent's shoes.
One of the things that frightens me as a parents are my own fears. I get into a sweat at times imagining horrible things happening to my kids. I feel these paranoid thoughts almost taking over and it gets unbearable.
When a case like Maddy comes along, my imagination goes into overdrive. Actually I was fine until I read about her mother not letting go of the pink cat Maddy used to go to bed with. Then I broke up. I thought about the purple ted that dd has, the white ted that ds has. I imagined the same terrible thing happening to them. In fact I stayed awake most of last night just going over and over it in my head. I could not stop thinking about it, thinking about how scared she must be if she is still alive, thinking how unbearable those thoughts must be for her parents.
But why should it matter to me? She isn't my daughter. I don't know her or her parents. I have never been to the resort where they are. I don't live anywhere near them in the UK. But somehow it does matter. As much as it matters when I read about street children in Brazil and I lie awake crying about how unloved and scared they must feel. Wishing I could pick them all up and mother them all. This from me who doesn't even like kids!
I don't want to read every detail about this case and so I don't. I only want to know if and when they find her.
I pray for her. I prayed for her this morning. I prayed for her last night when I was awake in bed. I don't know why I feel so emotional about it all. People are different and they react to things in different ways. But to say that we shouldn't get emotionally involved is ignorant. Just because one person can switch off and get on with their daily lives and not think about the plight of others does not mean that we all have to do the same.
This is a very long post. I do apologise. I wanted to explain why it has affected me. I don't know if I have done that. But I hope that others understand and can stop dismissing the feelings of others as irrelevant. Empathy is a human emotion and at times I wish I didn't have it. Other times I see it as a gift as it makes me a good listener and counsellor.
I'll shut up now.