Rebecca Minnock - on the run with child after court battle

[BreakingDad77]

Is this one of those cases we wont get to the bottom of as to whether she is someone with MH problems or scheming father driving her to them?

I'm sorry to hear of your situation Tommy.

I am sorry to hear that Tommy.

All I can suggest is that we need to educate and support people at the earliest possible opportunity so that they don't get into relationships and have children with these people, or if they do, they are enabled to get out and to report them.

I think education about 'red flags' and similar would be helpful - it would certainly have helped me when I was younger, to be told very clearly that X or Y behaviour is not merely unacceptable but dangerous. And to be told very clearly that I did not HAVE to be in a relationship to prove my worth as a person.

To be honest Tommy,

I don't think the case is similar to your own, in the sense that, from the outset of the case being made public it has been made clear that the court made findings that the mother had fabricated allegations in order to frustrate contact.

There has been no reason to suspect the father of any wrong doing in this case.

Snap, Spero,

If I only knew what I now know.

I wouldn't even entertain the idea for one second of getting into another relationship where I would be treated so badly by someone that claimed she could never ever hurt me.

And I have my child to consider and what she learns about healthy relationships, which sadly doesn't seem at all likely to come from mum's side.

and hopefully by this case being made public, it will discourage people from making false allegations in the family courts, which can only help genuine victims.

Spero maybe we need to make more of it in education. We are all going need negotiating and conflict resolution skills in life. May as well establish it early. Would be good I quite agree for young people be taught the warning signs to abusive relationships, and every attempt made to support exiting them as soon as possible.

I tell my daughter that who ever she is with, if they are not kind to her, she leaves them. It won't be anything to do with her, it will be all about them. Don't give them second chances, just get the hell out. consistent unkind treatment from your significant other is always a precursor to seriously abusive behaviour - in my experience.

I wish someone had told me that when I was growing up and I hadn't wasted years and years worrying about what I had done to provoke unkind treatment - because it must be my fault, mustn't it?

I think there is a real gap in emotional literacy in our society and a lack of willingness to grapple with the problem.

Tommy I would echo responses that the situations are different, but that doesn't take away you shouldn't have experienced what you did. Thank you for sharing it, and I think it is incredibly important that awareness perpetrators of domestic violence can come from any socio-economic backgrounds.

We must all be vigilant and be willing to raise awareness of the problem.

I agree and have thought the same, Dervel.

I've gone through years of counselling/psychotherapy whilst trying to cope with the stress, depression and anxiety from fighting my case, so have gained a lot of insight which I simply did not possess when I entered into the relationship with my ex.

There is no education to prepare us through our school years and if you are being taught all the wrong things about healthy relationships by your parent's, or lack of, at home then you have all the makings of an individual primed for making poor relationship choices.

And unless we have a huge wakeup call, which often takes the form of being treated extremely badly by an individual, people often go through a 'rinse, wash, repeat' cycle of poor relationship choices.

Agree. My favourite self help book is called 'Too Soon Old: Too Late Smart'.

It is a shame that we have to go through such destructive experiences to learn what we need to learn. I think there has to be a better way and I think it starts with open and honest discussion at the earliest stage of our development.

For eg - don't put up with someone who belittles you, mocks you, won't let you see your friends or your family etc, etc. Such obvious red flags when I look back now with the eyes of bitter experience, but at the time it all seemed normal, even flattering - he doesn't even want to share me with my friends! etc, etc.

Today's judgment

I teach my daughter the same.

The real shame is that some people don't ever have that awakening and are doomed to repeat the pattern or try to fix their abuser.

I know I'm recovering and would not tolerate being treated so badly in the future as I can look at the terrible ordeal I've had to endure and see it as a blessing in disguise.

I can also take responsibility for my role in the relationship. Nobody forced me to enter it. I'm not perfect by any means.

I'm actually quite liking the fact that the Judge refers to the fathers right to a relationship with his child.

I know, as I have PR myself all about responsibilities to the child, and I believe that the child's welfare and interests are paramount BUT,

Both parents DO have a human right to a family life, which includes a relationship with their children.

I am also encouraged that the judge said Ethan needs a relationship with both his mum and dad.

Yes sonny - we have to own our decisions. I chose to enter into my abusive relationships. I have to take responsibility to understand why I did that.

Spero
You are a saint

The most interesting thing about this thread is watching people just explicitly state all the crazy biases that are clearly implicit in all their other threads but never openly stated. SGB for example stating that fathers are not needed at all. I wish I could copy and paste that after every LTB post she makes but that would be rude

I think it's worth stating that taking responsibility does not equate to fault. Often people subject to abuse continue to endure both the abuse and shame and guilt. Generally speaking I suspect anyone that makes you feel ashamed or guilty is raising a red flag.

I agree,

FOG, I tried to blame myself for my ex's actions for a long time after separation, I believe it was my only way to try and get some control over the situation and make it stop.

Ultimately, only being out of the relationship, fighting to clear my name through court and psychotherapy has resolved things.

Only when you are safe can you 'own your shit'.

Fathers are not needed if they are abusive. Biological parents are not needed if there is another adult taking on the role of parent or carer - plenty of people whose parents died when they were babies (or, in the case of fathers, before they were even born) grow up happy and healthy when another adult takes on the parental role. My point is that having no contact with a father is infinitely preferable to having contact with an abusive father whose abuse of the mother is continuing via fucking around with legal action for increased contact/reduced maintenance or attempts to insist on entering the family home against the mother's wishes (it's not 'preventing contact' to keep your home closed to an abuser). Certainly, where there has been abuse, contact should be supervised for a good long time and any dubious behaviour that occurs during supervised contact should mean that unsupervised contact is a long time coming.

As to educating people from an early age about who to have children with and how to spot a loser, it would be good if this education included an emphasis on fathers' responsibilities ie not to fuck off and disappear out of a child's life when the couple-relationship ends, and not to expend vast amounts of time and energy on making sure you pay next to no maintenance...

Fairly sure psychotherapy literature and neuroscience would disagree with you to some extent SGB.

My point is that having no contact with a father is infinitely preferable to having contact with an abusive father whose abuse of the mother is continuing via fucking around with legal action for increased contact/reduced maintenance or attempts to insist on entering the family home against the mother's wishes (it's not 'preventing contact' to keep your home closed to an abuser).

The debate between myself, my DD (14) and my DH (her stepdad) at lunch today focused on the "least worse" option for a child in Ethan's position.

Is it better for Ethan's father to continue to pursue contact in the face of repeated and false allegations, so resulting in repeated court hearings and a turbulent childhood for Ethan in which contact with his dad is sporadic, or is it better for Ethan's dad to step back, conceding that all the while he seeks to be a part of Ethan's life, there will be conflict between him and Ethan's mum?

Is it abusive (towards Ethan or Rebecca) for Ethan's dad to continue to pursue contact, having seen the exteme reaction Rebecca has and the potential damage that could do to Ethan? Or, is it more abusive for Ethans dad to walk away and not continue to pursue contact?

It is better for Ethan's father to pursue a relationship, clearly. His mother is not fit to care for him fully, hence the change in who he lives with.

Conflict is not the only problem. It is incredibly undesirable but it is the least worst option when the alternative is a mother that attempts to prevent you from having contact with your father, more so when those efforts include proven emotional abuse.

Good grief

Whose post has shocked you, harolds?

Well the general tone of the thread is shocking enough, but the large dollop of victim blaming in your last post is gobsmacking.