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Controlled Crying - stress levels stay high even when babies have learned to settle themselves.

550 replies

Codandchops · 25/05/2012 07:45

Sad

OMG!!!

Even worse is that I could not bear to leave my DS as a baby so used to sit in the room and re-settle him every 5 mins. How shit is that? He could see me for 5 mins at a time not comforting him (even though after every 5 mins I did comfort him).

Have always felt an irrational guilt about DS's autism and wonder if I made things worse Sad.

Need to read the research and look at numbers involved.

OP posts:
Rockpool · 25/05/2012 12:49

We were all soooo much happier. They were just so chilled and so was I.The day I started was the day I started enjoying having my much longed for babies.Prior to that I was thinking what the hell have I done.Grin

catus · 25/05/2012 12:50

Glad to see I'm not alone!! We should have special baby groups for the horrible ones. All those babies crying together, what fun!

DrSeuss · 25/05/2012 12:53

Being a complete cow bag of a mother, I did CC with both of mine and heartily recommend anyone to do the same. A mother who has had no sleep, is bad tempered, lacks patience, doesn't want to get involved in playing because they are exhausted and weeps at the smallest thing can't be good for a kid either.

Rockpool · 25/05/2012 12:55
Grin

Sad thing is at the time you think you're alone because the media portrays having a baby as just hours of peaceful bfeeding and bliss-then reality hits.

I still know lots of mums who had newborns when I did and we all laugh at how we tried to make out it was a breeze.The reality was soooooo different,we were all enduring our own private screamfests.Grin

ladymuckbeth · 25/05/2012 12:55

Rockpool - do you have twins too?

bumbleymummy · 25/05/2012 12:57

There seem to be variations of CC with different lengths of time between going in to settle. This study seems to suggest no one going in to settle (I could be wrong) which means the baby was left to cry it out. Cruel and stupid IMO. I'm not a fan of CC either and wouldn't use it myself but using it with older children and with short intervals between going in to check/comfort is hugely different to just abandoning a baby to cry themselves to sleep. Nasty :(

I also agree with cuddler that not using CC does automatically = chaos and stress and children who will never 'learn' to sleep.

bumbleymummy · 25/05/2012 12:59

Also disliking the idea that if you didn't use CC then you must not have had a bad sleeper. Some of us didn't have old sleepers but just chose to deal with them in different ways.

bumbleymummy · 25/05/2012 12:59

good* not old

Rockpool · 25/05/2012 13:01

Yes ladySmile

Cuddler · 25/05/2012 13:06

But do you not think most babies cry and wake up because they are in cots?I dont understand why cc is even needed,why not just sleep with the baby?

Houseworkprocrastinator · 25/05/2012 13:07

www.mcri.edu.au/news/2010/march/'controlled-crying'.aspx

You can always find some study or professional that will agree with whatever your views are. (normally depending on who funded the study) and parents are always going to argue on mumsnet about the BEST way. But we are not scientists and it really is just our opinion based on what we have read (picked to read depending on our own personal views) and our own experiance.

In my opinion it is very harmful to report on studies that are not really conclusive and put the fear of permanently damaging their children into mothers who are already in a vulnerable/stressful position.

I think as long as you love them, feed them and keep them warm everything else is down to you.

ladymuckbeth · 25/05/2012 13:07

:) Mine are 2.5. I always used to find it amusing that people would say things like 'oh well, if you've got twins then it's understandable that you'd need to have a routine/ feed at set times/ a.n.other terrible parenting technique... Hmm

TwoCotbeds · 25/05/2012 13:10

My eldest did not sleep well at all, very very short naps ( 20 mins !!!) in the day tonnes or wakings at night.

At night time soon as I heard her cry I used to rush in to soothe her everytime to try and catch her before she got too hysterical and took longer to calm down.

.......Then suddenly one time at night, I couldn't rush in as soon as she started ( I used to always wake as soon as I heard one cry on the monitor) I think I was ill, throwing up or something so I PHYSICALLY could not rush in, so I took a few minutes,
.......then as I aproached her cot, she had fallen back asleep after a little cry. This had never hapened before as I always rushed in, started patting her picking her up etc

I then realised from then on, she would wake in night, cry for 2 to 5 mins lightly like "oh I am annoyed I've woken up" then if I did not disturb her she would quieten all by herself and fall back asleep.

I learnt a useful lesson!

Would you personally sleep better if when you came round briefly in the night someone patted you, picked you up or would you rather be alone, to roll over and go back to sleep?

BTW I think AP is well meaning but silly. I had twins how do u carry 2 babies in a sling all day? Babies need love and care and to fit in with their famiily. My eldest DD needed me to leave her alone at night !!

ladymuckbeth · 25/05/2012 13:10

Cuddler - why not just sleep with the baby?

Um. Well - how about - because every time I tried to sleep with one or both of my twins it was a complete disaster, and NOBODY got any sleep?

How about turning your skewed thinking around, and rather than putting your perception that a cot is a bad thing onto the baby, think of it as being a nice place where a baby/child might actually want to be? My girls never slept well in with us, always seemed happier in their own cots, and adore their cots now because, as toddlers, it's THEIR space and they like that. As soon as they've been able to let us know they have been territorial over whose cot is who, and eagerly clamber up them when they're ready to go to sleep.

catus · 25/05/2012 13:11

Crying it out is not CC. It's in the name, really. Controlled Crying, which suggests going back regularly to reassure them you haven't abandonned them. Every few minutes or so, usually.

Houseworkprocrastinator · 25/05/2012 13:12

Mine are 2.5. I always used to find it amusing that people would say things like 'oh well, if you've got twins then it's understandable that you'd need to have a routine/ feed at set times/ a.n.other terrible parenting technique...

Since when is routine and set feeding times a terrible parenting technique?
I find that quite offensive. Is that what others said to you or your opinion?

catus · 25/05/2012 13:19

Cuddler: Don't you think I tried sleeping with him? In my deep deep desperation, i tried everything, including co sleeping. Well, those were the worst 7 nights. He didn't sleep, I didn't sleep and ended up on the 7th night at the bottom of the garden at 4.30am with a glass of wine and baby crying in his cot while I tried to get some sanity in me before going back to the trenches (that's what I called it at the times).
In short, it didn't work for us.

ladymuckbeth · 25/05/2012 13:20

Not my opinion. We were heinous enough to follow a GF style routine from very early on. Was making the point that when you have twins, people often back-pedal and say that it's somehow different because you have more right or need to impose a routine on them.

bumbleymummy · 25/05/2012 13:22

Catus, was that post for me? I know there's a difference. I was pointing out that the article seems to be talking about CIO rather than CC which most people consider to include settling. Some people do seem to think of CIO as a version of CC though. :(

FunnyLovesTheJubilee · 25/05/2012 13:25

why on earth is there an AP pressure group? What business is it of theirs if I decide not to do AP? I am going to start a CC pressure group where we try to pressure folk to do CC, Formula feed, put babies in their own cot from birth and use calpol.

Houseworkprocrastinator · 25/05/2012 13:26

I would guess that having twins is very hard, have no experiance but having my first was a nightmare with just one. :) but if someone considers something terrible parenting (damages the children) for one then surly they would not advocate it for two Hmm

I bet they all turn out ok in the end anyway... And then they turn into teenagers!!!

FunnyLovesTheJubilee · 25/05/2012 13:27

catus the wine at the bottom of the garden plus crying baby is very familiar Grin We used to do this with DS2. It felt like hell

catus · 25/05/2012 13:28

Sorry, I misinterpreted. My mistake.

NigellaLawless · 25/05/2012 13:29

Cuddler again everyone is different, not everyone can or should share a bed with a baby. If parents takes certain medications it can be dangerous for a baby to share the bed, if a parent has night terrors it could be dangerous for a child to share the bed, if a parent smokes or has drunk alcohol it can be dangerous etc etc.

Babies will cry for all sorts of reasons, I don't think being in a cot is one of them. Cots are not bad things, they are safe places for babies to sleep.

Its great that your family set up is working for you but are you aware that the way you post comes across as very critical of parents who do things another way.

FunnyLovesTheJubilee · 25/05/2012 13:29

oh and catus a word of warning. The last time I tried to explain on here what we did with DS2 I got called a child abuser. Don't get too drawn in. There will always be the holier than thou crowd about to make you feel even worse