Controlled Crying - stress levels stay high even when babies have learned to settle themselves.

[Codandchops]

OMG!!!

Even worse is that I could not bear to leave my DS as a baby so used to sit in the room and re-settle him every 5 mins. How shit is that? He could see me for 5 mins at a time not comforting him (even though after every 5 mins I did comfort him).

Have always felt an irrational guilt about DS's autism and wonder if I made things worse .

Need to read the research and look at numbers involved.

I am sceptical in the extreme about this "study" but then I usually am. Sample sizes are usually tiny, randomising, double blindng etc. is absent and the sponsors have an agenda and have basically decided the outcome in advance.

What we are arguing about is tiny. Our children are feather bedded more thn an other generation. Most are loved, well fed, have access to amazing medicine etc. I think we need some perspective. CC or co sleeping, bf or FF - in the grand scheme of things in the West it basically doesn't matter.

No Lequeen you've conflated two posts there. I said that you don't have to remember something for it to harm you, and that emotional damage in the first 30 months of life alters a the way a person's brain is wired. I also happen to object to CC because I think that it has the potential for emotional damage, but that is not to say that all babies will be damaged to any great extent because how much CC actually goes on will differ massively. You're also completely wrong to assert that generations of adults of left babies to cry - just because Truby King et al advocated it, doesn't mean people were doing it in vast numbers!

Becksharp: yes, just one night. I was surprised because I expected nights of endless war, but no, one night and everything was better.
To a certain extent, I was putting my needs first, my need to sleep. But it turned out that DS seemed much happier after CC, as well, but my primary aim was my need to sleep.

But CC is not about leaving a child to cry OR about teaching them nobody comes when they cry. CC is about approaching it in a calm manner and regularly attending your 6 months or older baby at 2,3,4,5 or 10 min intervals and resettling them until they fall asleep.

I couldn't wait 10 mins personally but resettled every 5 mins. I also (as said in my OP) did not leave the room which with hindsight I should have done.

It's about balance and despite my "OMG" this morning I have now read the research and drawn my own conclusions .

Absolutely Rockpool. Where oh where does this fucking ludicrous assumption come from, that a babies every need has to be met the INSTANT it communicates that it has one? God it makes my blood boil, the bloody smugness of those who think they're so fecking perfect as mothers whose children never ever ever think that the entire planet doesn't revolve around them. It is such a false premise, and so utterly devoid of ANY basis other than this misconception that all children 'in the good old days' were carried around in slings and reared perfectly.

Rockpool I'm not saying you rush to every whimper - it's the routine leaving a child on their own to cry for extended periods that I object to. And most of the time it's for the parent's convenience (or obsession with sleep) that it's done. There's a made desire these days to make children fit into adult lives and not for us to accommodate them with which I wholly disagree. And I am not some "baby-wearing hippy". I've never owned a sling, my children had/have their own cots and beds, they go to school not HE, I work, but leaving children to cry is not cool!

OP I would never suggest you caused your son's autism, science definitely says otherwise!

Exactly Cod and most people who infer otherwise have never actually done cc themselves,they just draw their knowledge from incorrect ,scaremongering headlines trying to get a click.

A book worth reading is "Love Matters" which talks about the importance of affection in shaping a baby's brain.

I doubt that CC will do much if any damage if it's just part of otherwise very affectionate parenting.

I did CC but in settling DS I lifted and cuddled him to calm him down ( which I don't think the CC books recommend).

It's all about making these things work for us and our babies.

Becksharp: I was definitely obsessed with sleep, completely obsessed by it. And that's because I didn't have any. DH was away with work most of the time, I didn't have any family or friends to help, I was alone and yes, obsessed with sleep.

Becksharp - do you think a mother who basically hasn't had any decent sleep in months and is hallucinating with tiredness and perhaps struggling to look after other children is "obsessed with sleep?"

Yes Becky I have calmed down from my very over emotional response this morning.

I know I disn't cause my DS's autism. Much more likely is that it's just part of him and as I have some autistic tendencies myself it's likely that he has inherited it.

Becky errrr they're asleep when left,they don't know you're in the other room.I think you really need to read up on the subject.

My mum left me out the back in a pram during all types of Scottish weather as did most mums in the 60s who had no hoover,fridge or time to sit around MNing. It's what mums did as it was thought to be good for health,probably some study.I was an uber healthy child and extremely attached,mum was mum and always there.

most of the time it's for the parent's convenience (or obsession with sleep) that it's done.

Obsession with sleep? That makes it sound like it is just a hobby or something you WANT to do. I think some mothers (me included) were not obsessed with sleep, deprived of sleep is more like it, to the point where I would just sit there and cry because I was so tired, I would HAVE to leave the room and leave my baby to cry because I could not cope any more, some nights it got to the point where I was so tired, worn out, stressed and worked up I could have thrown her out the window.

Sleep deprivation is seriouse.

bah! I don't want to get stuck in this discussion - no one is going to change anyone else's mind. Parenting is a spectrum, but CC is one thing that just does not sit right with me. Maybe I get over-passionate about it, but it symbolises for me the kind of parenting which puts the needs of the parent above the needs of the child and that's probably not a fair assumption for most parents who practice it. I just remember the amount of grief I got when I didn't CC my bad sleeper (he was 3 before he slept through) and it's good to know that maybe this was a parenting decision I got right for once.

I love the assumption by all concerned that if you didn't CC you haven't had a difficult time of it - I was a single mum with a non-sleeper (and a 3 year old) I just chose a different approach

christ Becky smug much? "the part of parenting I got right"? Your DC didn't sleep a night for 3 years and you think thats ok? Well fine, I assume then that you didn't have other children, a job to do or ever had to get behind the wheel of a car in those three years? As has been said numerous times on here, people do what is right for them, both practically and temperamentally. No, no-one will ever "win" this debate If it doesn't "sit well" with you, don't talk about it. I have a tacit agreement not to discuss it with a friend of mine as she holds similar views to yours and I did it with both of mine. Worked pretty much instantly and with the result that we have well rested, happy people in the house. As others have said, its not fun listening to your baby cry (ie not like the parents are out of earshot having a G&T)but actually, in the long term it is better for them too if it means they get decent sleep.

Becksharp I think its the judgy-pants and a lack of empathy from some that suggests that they have maybe never been at breaking point because of a childs sleep issues because they can't/won't understand how a parent gets to a point where CC is the only option.

I always left mine to cry for a little bit before picking them up, even did a little bit of CC to get DS into a routine if he had had a bout of teething or after an illness (not during, but once I knew he was happy & healthy again, to get back into a routine) They are happy, content and relaxed children.

Babies are designed to cry - how else can they communicate?

But I do think some babies with medical issues like reflux, that scream/cry constantly do end up stressy children. My nephew had very severe reflux and is now seeing a child pschologist due to food issues he has developed from the reflux. He is also a very angry 4yr old, which the CP has said is from the constant pain and subsequent angry crying he has put up with from birth.

So I can see where some of this research data comes from, but for your average, loved, well cared for and not neglected baby I see no harm in letting them cry once in a while or in doing controlled crying.

I've never left dc to cry because "they need to learn". I haven't always managed to get to then quickly like if I've been driving, I'll find somewhere safe to pull over to check them. I just don't feel right leaving my child to cry, I don't see anything more important than caring for the needs of my baby. I'm on number 3 and it's worked for the eldest 2. My youngest is 7 months. I'm glad I've done it this was, end wouldn't do it differently. I didn't need research to persuade me to look after my children in the way that feels right. My mum actually for the first time I can recall told me what a good job she thought I'd done. And that she used to think I should leave them crying (eg when on phone to her, ), but she said he's proud of me

trixie123 the measure of success for your parenting job is not what age your child sleeps through the night...it's whether their a happy and well-balanced child. nuff said really