Child guru says nurseries harm small children

[flashingnose]

oh dear

Yes, BAM, I know that, my point was not the nursery, but that splitting shifts can work as a viable alternative. Ds has a very strong bond with both myself and dp, because his dad has done half the childcare for 18 months.

dh gets to spend loads of time also with both kids as I do too. We have no childcare costs so can afford to manage financially.

dh and I spend quite a lot of time together too and when I'm at home he is only upstairs.

The trouble comes when we want to do something together during the day time even on his day off as he has to sleep. But it's not forever as dd will be at school in 3 years.

We split shifts and our relationship is stronger than ever! DH loves his job - he works as a driver for a car hire company and gets to drive some flash cars and get paid for it.

I think it depends how you look at life. If you feel cheated that this is how you have to do it to live, you'll probably end up w/a lot of resentment and bad feelings.

If you look at it, like: we're damn lucky we have the health and strength to do this, the world doesn't owe us a living, it's not forever, just till the kids go to school (we're also retraining for new careers), etc., it's something you just do and get on w/it.

DH and the girls have an incredible bond together - he was a SAHD for the first two years of DD1's life.

The time we have together, we don't spend getting worked up over the small stuff.

It's glass half full here.

BAM - fine if it works for you. I don't know how much my 11 month old or 6 year old would get out of emails or telephone conversations with their grandparents or cousins. Even if I were to go abroad for the benefit of my parents rather than my children I do it to fulfil other duties too, being a daughter as well as being a mum. It's all about finding what's the best compromise for each situation, isn't it? I'm a good enough parent but surprisingly my children are turning out better than just good enough.

my dd has been at nursery 5 days a week since she was 5 months she is 2 now and loves it i cant get her to come home at the end of the day and she asks to go at the weekend she is very confident affectionate and happy and i dont think she has suffered at all

yes my dh gets to spend loads of time with the kids - but we hardly see each other, and the DS's hardly to get to see us both together - I've worked the last 5 weekends due to several new staff at work (can't work together until they've complete their induction) which means it was the beginning of january that I last spent more than 1hr with my DH AND my children.

You can spend as much time as you like with you children, but if the relationship between the parents turns sour because of the lack of time spent with each other it only serves to do the children damage.

DS1 is at school - so even on the mornings when I haven't work the night before I still only see DH and DS2.

Oh and we still can't really manage to cope financially despite having no childcare costs either.

I see where Cristina is coming from, too.

To me, w/my background, my mum was a SAHD, BUT I grew up w/loads of extended family and friends around.

I learned very early on that life was full of caregivers, not just Mum and Dad.

Personally, I feel this is much, much healthier all around than the current 'the parents are the best and only caregiver a child should have'. Tosh!

We grew up happy and well-rounded, w/a relaxed, happy mum who was never felt resentful or trapped.

I find the 'Mum/Dad' as sole caregiver a bit restrictive, IME. For both child and parent.

Don't shoot me for this but some peple seem to have kids like they are the latest accessory. The child is shoved into a nursery or handed over to the latest hired help and the parents only want to see it on their terms. Makes me sad and angry and such people shouldn't have kids. I also wonder about people who arn't prepared to downsize a bit. FT nursery for little babies is bound to affect them and it should be no suprise that scientific research now backs this up.

I have friends in Denmark (poor Denmark btw) who got a year paid maternity leave for each child. Brill idea imo.

well aren't you lucky being able to spend time together. We do get some time together as a couple - but hardly any toegher with the children.

Cristina - my DS1 (5yrs old) loves getting photos in the post of his family abroad (all of DH's side) and even the 2yr old loves talking on the phone. Ideally we'd like to travel and see them once a year, but simply not possible even with both of us working and no childcare costs.

I alreayd have one at school, the other starts nursery 'proper' September next year (but I'll take advantage of the free places for 3yr olds in January as "shock horror" I actually think he'd benefit from it he's an extremely active little boy and TBH neither DH o r I can give him all the stimulation he needs).

Lets face it, in the days before mass nurseries children would be bundle round extended family like no mans business - probably spending short periods of time with LOTS of different people, in lots of different places - at least a nursery offers the same environment.

And 100 odd years ago, if the parents were poor the mum probably worked (and the children did too - or were left at home to fend for themselves) and if they were rich enough for mum not to work they probably had a nanny who sat them in the play room all day (or at the end of the garden screaming in the pram as babies ).

Kitty
I'd venture to guess that 90% of parents who have to put their kids in nursery or leave them w/a nanny or childminder have no choice in the matter.

Believe it or not, this is a very, very expensive country to live in.

Phew, Kittyfish, that's a bit extreme. I suggest people who might possibly have PND shouldn't have kids either or people whose circumstances change for whatever reason or people with values in any way different to yours. Shall we include the disabled too, in case they can't give the "best" care to their children. Who else in your grand scheme? Would you get such people sterilised? Shall we start with the dads or let them get away with it?

I know about expensive - live in the Cotswolds and rent as house prices are mental. Not sure if it is as many as 90% of parents though.

It is not extreme to suggest that a person who has a child cos it is the latest 'thing' shouldn't have that child.

Whilst our local nussery does take children from 6 months, there are none who are full time 5 days a week. Even looking at the 2 year olds, most are only in for 3 days at most. The only RL friends who have their ds in nursery full time do so because it is onsite at dh's workplace, and therefore he is in someone elses care for the least possible time (though he does have a 45 minute commute around the M25 twice a day). I think that most parents do try to get a balance in place where at all possible.

BAM - again, what works for you. My DS is deaf and he can't hear on the phone, especially not a different language, even with an adapted phone that works with his hearing aids. So again, you just can never tell each individual circumstance. What works for you and yours doesn't work for others. Face to face works for us, it helps with the language barrier.

I think the 'people who have kids as the latest fashion accessory' is an urban myth along the lines of 'people can't get on the property ladder b/c they spend too much of their income on frivolities and luxuries' or 'most people who are in debt are in that situation b/c of living hte high life on borrowed money'.

I sent my daughter to nursery, 4 days a week, from 8 months. The nursery is fantastic, the girls are great. She has loved every minute. Then again at £1000/month it should be good!
I am now on maternity leave with baby no. 2 but still send my daughter (she is now nearly 2) to nursery 3 days a week. I wouldn't take the activities, fun and friends away from her. If you research the nursery, get to know the staff, follow up any changes in behaviour, form a real partnership with them it can work brilliantly. I think the experience can be wonderful for kids. These articles generalise about all nurseries. Of course there are bad ones, there are bad everything. Why do they keep bringing up this nursery-bashing? What about having a go at childminders who feed kids cheap rubbish and let them watch TV all day? I know what I'd prefer my kids to be doing!

Kittyfish, OK i see where you're coming from now. But do you actually know any such people or just assume that there are people like this out there but you haven't met them personally? I know of just one person who didn't particularly want children but felt she needed them because everyone else does. She's a changed person now (for the better, obviously).

if i downsized anymore i would be living in a shed!! i work long hours to keep the roof of my tiny flat over me and dds head and a london mortgage dont come cheap!! i certainly dont see my child as a fashion accesory and i didnt have a choice in going back to work as im self employed so no nice maternity package for me!

oh yes Kitty and lets not forget those whose circumstances change for the worse - generally you do't see redundancy, or long term illness coming, and those can make a major impact forcing all sorts of changes. I think others ahve alreayd mentined PND.

Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all see into the future to find out what sort of parents we'll be and how we'll cope.........

Expat I wish it were an urban myth. I have a couple of friends who were accessories as kids and were brought up by a series of live-in nannies and rarely saw their parents.

That'll teach me for making sweeping generalisations. I do realise these people are the minority.

I never had friends like that, kitty. I've always lived in the real world, I guess. But hey, I'm fed up to the back teeth of it and I'd be willing to negotiate a trade .

I live in the real world too, I am no trust fund baby, wish I was. That doesn't preclude me from having rich friends though does it?