Calling all SAHM - Cleaning to child attention ratio? Marriage depends on this

[mrsmiller]

Sorry to be so dramatic. I am a SAHM (except when DS is at nursery when I work)

How do women (parents) give valuable attention to DCs and keep the house in the style of Anthea Turner as well.(i swear if she wasn't blonde and skinny my husband would track her down and nick her of that Bovey fella)

Any time i spend tidying or cleaning is time my DS, nearly 3, is playing on his own or, horror of horrors, watching TV.

My DH (and i used the letter D very loosely at the moment) is v critical of my housekeeping or lack thereof and really plays on my pre-existing sense of inadaquacy in this area (which exists because of his bitchy comments, which he swears he doesn't make!).

Anyway, in an effort to be a good wifey, i have given a few rooms a thorough clean today but feel it is totally at the expense of time i could be spending with my boy.

If i worked and he was a house husband the house would be immaculate but his idea of good parenting is letting DS watch telly ALL day because as long as he's happy it doesn't matter if he's stimulated or educated or moving.

Please help. I don't know if i'm asking for alleviation of my guilt about ignoring DS to clean. Or permission to tell H to piss off and try raising a well rounded child and keeping a house perfect.

Please note the house isn't dirty, we have 2 cats and a dog which don't help, but the house is clean, it's just not tidy (my H has a real problem distinguishing the two!) I could spend all day cleaning and would have to vacuum 3 times a day to have it up to his standard.

Perhaps this should be in the relationships section!!!

Sorry

Homes should be clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.
Lots of people swear by the Roomba . I'm saving up for one.

get a cleaner or send you ds to pre school and clean then

Babies Don?t Keep
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She?s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I?ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping?s not done and there?s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there?s a hullabaloo
But I?m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren?t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I?ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I?m rocking my baby and babies don?t keep.

I love that poem and it is my sentiments entirely.

Develop a 'back problem'forcing you into bed for a few days. Take plug off/knacker telly.
Sit back and see how DH manages to cope

Failing that, train DS to poo in DH's shoes

that's lovely Jodie, i may paste it around my house.

Iota, thanks but, if he's at pre school i'm at work (volunteering for purposes of getting on a course), and don't cleaners need paying? can't afford that!

I was too cross with your Dh to read all the thread.

If he thinks he can keep the house a la Anthea and look after a child - then let him!

iklboo, brilliant idea.

Notabanana, my thoughts exactly. Why can't he (men?!) accept that raising a child is full time?

sorry missed that bit.

If it were my dh I'd tell him where to get off, but fortunately my dh is oblivious to mess or dirt

I have to share these ones too, they are soppy and make me well up but, hey, I like them

Excuse This House

Some house try to hide the fact that children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly,
The signs are everywhere...
For smears are on the windows
Little smudges on the doors;
I should apologize, I guess for toys strewn on the floor.

But I sat down with the children
And we played and laughed and read;
And if the doorbell doesn't shine,
Their eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I'm forced to choose
The one job or the other...
I want to have a tidy house,
But first I'll be a mother.

What Did I Do Today

Today I left some dishes dirty,
the bed got made around 3:30.
The diapers soaked a little longer,
The odour grew a little stronger.
The crumbs I spilled the day before
Are staring at me from the floor.
the fingerprints there on the wall
Will likely be there still next fall.
the dirty streaks on those windowpanes
Will still be there next time it rains.
Shame on you, you sit and say,
Just what did you do today?

I held a baby till she slept
I held a toddler while he wept.
I played a game of hide and seek,
I squeezed a toy so it would squeak.
I pulled a wagon, sang a song,
Taught a child right from wrong.
What did I do this whole day through?
Not much that shows, I guess that's true.
Unless you think that what I've done,
might be important to someone
with deep green eyes and soft brown hair,
If that is true....I've done my share.

Can you tell I've been through this with my dh before?

He now accepts that what doesn't get done just doesn't get done, the children (all 3) come before cleaning the house. I would like it tidier and spotless but I accept that it won't be for a while.

The dishes get done, the clothes get washed, dinner gets cooked and the important cleaning gets done but there is plenty I don't do as much as I should/could.

I say to him now if he wants to clean/tidy he's welcome to but I am looking after the children. I read someone on here say recently that if you were paying someone to look after your child/ren all day you wouldn't expect them to be cleaning their house as well would you?

I think you are right when you say perhaps this belongs in the relationships section.
Your dh is being completely unrealistic. It is not possible to spend time with a toddler and have an immaculate house. You can keep your home clean, but not like a show house.
The posters who suggest he gives it a go are right.
I think maybe your dh imagines this is the 1950s! Do you have to warm his slippers too?

Does he know where the hoover & the duster & polish lives??

Agree with NAB at your not so D, H for being like this.

Stop feelling guilty & yes tell him to piss off!!

BTW a few chill out sessions in front of the box won't hurt your DS, why not keep the ironing for in front of the telly then at least you can talk to him & comment on what's happening. They love that.
Make a list of stuff your DH can do to help, the cats & dogs presumably don't walk & feed themselves? He & S could have manly time together doing chores....call it bonding!!!

Your DH definately needs to help. No sure why he thinks it's soley your responsibility to keep the house tidy, he makes the mess too. I'd leave his washing and anything else you do exclusively for him. Perhaps he'll get the message.

However, there are things you could do with your DS that kills two birds with one stone so to speak. My DD loves a bucket of water and washing kitchen cupboards, floors, windows etc. OK she doesn't help too much but it gives me a chance to do other stuff at the say time. Other than that I do things in the evenings or at the weekend when DH is home which gives her and him time together too.

PS My DH would never comment about the state of the house though because he's a lot messier than me!

My full-time working dh does all the laundry and irons/puts all our clothes away, and at the moment I'm pregnant and can't eat anything he likes to eat, so he cooks for himself. We do kitcheny type cleaning, tidying up etc half and half, plus my mum comes round to help out. Before I was pregnant I did more or less all the cooking. I could spend my dd's nap time cleaning and doing laundry, but it would give me no spare time at all, and I think I need some time outs in the day or I'd die of exhaustion. I know this sounds lazy and I often feel guilty that he does so much. On the other hand, he seems to have more free time than me, can relax in the evening when I'm doing bath time etc. Going to check out a Roomba.

Haven't read other messages but I am SAHM with 2 ds's and doing OU degree and various other things, so housekeeping is erratic at best! dh has learnt that criticising my housekeeping skills is not advisable if he values his life!

The state of the house bothers me more than my DH and if he came home to an immacualte house every day he would worry about my state of mind tbh.

Thank you all. Love the other poems Jodie. I'm so glad i'm not in the wrong.

My (D)H does put DS to bed 3 nights a week, but we are very 1950 family although, his feet warm his slippers, he works alot and i raise baby. But he does do alot, if it gets too much for him, but that makes me feel inadequate and guilty.

I think i'll print all this out and show him it's not just me and raising a child is time taken up enough without pressure.

I would do housework at night and weekends and at the occasional nap time, but crikey, i need to be just me at some point.

Thanks again guys.

My husband works very hard outside the home, acknowledges what I do every day is hard too and the minute he gets home is Daddy. He said to me last night that the hours between 4 and 7 are hard and how do I do it every day?

I am a SAHM to baby & toddler. I find chucking stuff out to charity shop is the best way to tidy up. If you have fewer things, they can't get in a mess!

Not that I am excusing your DH getting annoyed about a bit of mess.

A house is supposed to look lived in as far as I am concerned.
One of the saddest things I heard was a woman whose daughter left home at an early age and they weren't able to talk, all the time the DD had been small she had been obsessed with a clean house. She rather belatedly regretted that she lost a daughter but the dust still came back.
I follow the very simple line that I heard a woman say a few years ago when asked about housework-she just replied 'it is not my priority at the moment'. I doubt if it will ever be my priority!

I love the poems!

Oh Jodie, I cried at 'Babies don't keep'...

I know a GP who says if he does a home visit to a family with young children (and one ill kid, if he's been called there) and the house is immaculately tidy and clean, then he worries about the family. So far he said that he has always been proved right by later events. I comfort myself with this every time we have people round and I see them notice all the fingermarks & general chaos DS leaves in his wake. "It's not my priority at the moment" indeed! Love that one, will use it!

"She rather belatedly regretted that she lost a daughter but the dust still came back."

Argh, that is heartbreaking.

I really sympathise but I do think it's possible to keep tidy AND have a toddler - and I don't find that I am neglecting the children (any more than usual ) when cleaning - they potter around me and 'help' out whereever they can. I think it's a mistake to think that you need to 'entertain' your children ALL the time, or that you can't be having quality time with them just chatting while doing chores etc.