Calling all SAHM - Cleaning to child attention ratio? Marriage depends on this

[mrsmiller]

Sorry to be so dramatic. I am a SAHM (except when DS is at nursery when I work)

How do women (parents) give valuable attention to DCs and keep the house in the style of Anthea Turner as well.(i swear if she wasn't blonde and skinny my husband would track her down and nick her of that Bovey fella)

Any time i spend tidying or cleaning is time my DS, nearly 3, is playing on his own or, horror of horrors, watching TV.

My DH (and i used the letter D very loosely at the moment) is v critical of my housekeeping or lack thereof and really plays on my pre-existing sense of inadaquacy in this area (which exists because of his bitchy comments, which he swears he doesn't make!).

Anyway, in an effort to be a good wifey, i have given a few rooms a thorough clean today but feel it is totally at the expense of time i could be spending with my boy.

If i worked and he was a house husband the house would be immaculate but his idea of good parenting is letting DS watch telly ALL day because as long as he's happy it doesn't matter if he's stimulated or educated or moving.

Please help. I don't know if i'm asking for alleviation of my guilt about ignoring DS to clean. Or permission to tell H to piss off and try raising a well rounded child and keeping a house perfect.

Please note the house isn't dirty, we have 2 cats and a dog which don't help, but the house is clean, it's just not tidy (my H has a real problem distinguishing the two!) I could spend all day cleaning and would have to vacuum 3 times a day to have it up to his standard.

Perhaps this should be in the relationships section!!!

Sorry

My job is to look after my child. House work is secondary

great poems.

My dh once asked me what I did alll day.
well the next week I took the week off.
talk about apologising.

took the week of from house work not taking care of my child

Ah, those poems!
You've dome well blasting a few rooms this week. Just have the odd day when you do that. My son goes into shock when I ignore him and say "Look I'm cleaning and organising, go and play" it won't kill your dc if they learn they have to be independent nad amuse themselves sometimes.

MOrning pap is quite right and it's a good thing for them to see.

Am going to blitz kitchen soon and feel proud that I have done 2 washes and worked a.m. too. (should see upstairs though!!)

50 years ago a GP did a housecall to my nana and he told her to leave the chores, kids are small only once. Wise words.

I love that aquababe!!

I tend to agree with MorningPaper - many toddlers enjoy pottering around 'helping' with the hoovering or dusting. I must say though, 'tidy' probably requires defining: in our house I feel on top of things when I can see the floor, and most surfaces are reasonably clear and wiped off within the past 24 hours. I don't spend more than a hour or two cleaning at a time.

If your husband is looking for military style sparkle then tbh, that sounds rather controlling. I'd definitely tell him that's not your priority.

I understand that but when I say evenings or weekends I really don't mean much tho. One wash, clean the bath room or hoover a room. I really don't do that much housework at all these days just keep my head above water. I'm one of those weirdos that likes cleaning though so I actually enjoy an hour to myself to scrub the house. Gives me time to think, listen to music and not actually talk to anyone which is luxury.

One thing I find gives my DH a bit of a shove to help is when his family visit and because they don't do it very often he goes a bit bonkers doing stuff like cleaning windows!

Morningpaper, I think you are right. There are times when dd can watch telly or is totally happy to entertain herself and potter about or help me put washing on/out (for some reason this makes me blissfully happy too [sad 50s housewife emoticon])

HOWEVER I do like that dh appreciates that sometimes dd is ill or I'm tired or we have had a bad night or dd is being superclingy and just ain't in the mood and things just don't get done at all. Dh is fab and does masses of cleaning and tidying (although I am 8mths preg at moment!) and says he loves it when he comes home and he can see the evidence of all the mess and destruction fun stuff dd has done all day .

For me, it's like most things, there is a balance. And whilst I am happy to forego the cleaning to play with dd, more often than not I have actually been pissing about on mumsnet which... well, there is a balance...

yes sleepycat good point

skip hire: £70

get rid of all the crap

keep a box of toys

put toys into box at end of day

can you also perhaps focus onthe rooms he uses?
My DH is lovely but clutter bothers him. he does not complain or anything but it makes him fidgetty IYSWIM. So when DD was still at home I would do the rooms that mattered to him the most first our bedroom, kitchen and sitting room. that meant the rest was slightly more out of sight out of mind.

I am lucky in that DH had 3 months gardening leave and saw first hand life at home with kids etc. So he NEVER complains and does lots himself - so i am not letting your DH off the hook. He is being thoughtless at best - but perhaps you can carrot and stick him - explain that time with DC comes first but when you are cleaning then you have half an eye on a calm enviroment when he gets home.

A couple of big chest-type storage things in key rooms helps. If all else fails I bundle up piles of toys, books, crap in general andthrow them out of sight

'I hope my children look back on today
and see a mother who had time to play
Children grow up while you are not looking
There'll be years ahead for cleaning and cooking
So quiet now cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep'

dh looked after dd full time when she was 12 to 16 months - he understands and I do far more than he ever did

a very wise woman (my nana) once told me that your house can be clean when you have kids but never ever tidy. i.e. there is excuse for having a sh*t stained toilet and dirty nappies everywhere. but whats a few toys and dirty windows going to hurt.

if you want to spend time with your kids, as they are more important than sparkling windows anyway, then just do the basics. wash up on an evening after they are in bed, put a load of washing in then too if there is any. if the toy situation is that bad that you cant walk across the room without tripping up shove them in a corner somewhere.

the next morning have your coffee feed your kids but before playtime starts hoover, dust anything thats really bad, get the washing out of the washer and put it on the line/clothes horse and have a look around to see if aanything is really grimy. doesnt have to be spotless just not filthy.

check the washing after a few hours and fold and put away, do ironing only when necessary as wearing, most clothes will be fine if you fold/hang them.

if there is anything else that dp wants doing then he can do it himself.

My aunt kept an immaculately tidy and sparkling house. My mother was the sort of mother who would abandon the housework to lay a treasure trail for me coming home from school leading to some chocolate. My cousin arrived to visit us unexpectedly one evening and my mother apologized for the chaos - my cousin's reply was: "Don't worry, Auntie G, you have a home, we have a house."

I think you are all just SLACK

I think most messy people just have too much STUFF

toss it all out

children can play with toys, toys get put back at end of day - tidy house!

seriously you messy slatterns, looking around you NOW, what MESSY stuff is there?

god morningpaper - you are so dreamy when you are bossy. shout at me some more. Look, I have dirty dishes in my sink. Give me your worst...

I could spit with anger on your behalf. Tell your dh to do some tidying if it bothers him that effing much!

You are right, he is so fundamentally wrong

do the dishes bitch

wash wash wash

then drop and give me 100 press-ups

Message withdrawn

LOL mp

sorry haven't read all thread.

Now, I'm expensive but I'm worth it. Swap with me for 2 days. I arrive in a room and chaos and filth follow, nor do I look after children particularly well. So your dh will come home to a truly filthy house, with bored whiny children, to find me chatting on the phone with a cloth in one hand and a vague idea that there may be a tin of beans in the cupboard. 2 days later you will return to a spouse who will drop to his knees and kiss the hem of your garment.

Tell him to start counting his blessings and appreciate the great things about you, or the Choosy will come and get him.

' I think you have a home, we have a house' sums it up -but a bit sad for your cousin flamingtoaster.

Maybe if your dh insists you do the cleaning and won't help, you could sing this song while you do it? (A few of my Russian friends (where feminism has yet to reach) were very fond of it )

Don't Get Married Girls
(Leon Rosselson)

Don't get married, girls - you'll sign away your life
You may start off as a woman but you'll end up as 'the Wife'
You could be a vestal virgin, take the veil and be a nun
But don't get married, girls, for marriage isn't fun

It's fine when you're romancing and he plays the lover's part
You're the roses in his garden, you're the flame that warms his heart
And his love will last forever and he'll promise you the moon
But just wait until you're wedded then he'll sing a different tune
You're his tapioca pudding, you're the dumplings in his stew
And he'll soon begin to wonder what he ever saw in you
Still he takes without complaining all the dishes you provide
But you see he has to have his bit of jam tart on the side

So don't get married, girls, it's very badly paid
You may start off as the mistress but you'll end up as the maid
Be a daring deep-sea diver or a polished polyglot
But don't get married, girls, for marriage is a plot

Have you seen him in the morning with a face that looks like death
He's got dandruff on his pillow and tobacco on his breath
And he wants some reassurance with his cup of tea in bed
For he's got worries with the mortgage and the bald patch on his head
And he's sure that you're his mother, lays his head upon your breast
So you try to boost his ego, iron his shirt and warm his vest
Then you get him off to work, the mighty hunter is restored
And he leaves you there with nothing but the dreams you can't afford

So don't get married, girls, men are all the same
They just use you when they need you, you'll do better on the game
Be a call girl, be a stripper, be a hostess, be a whore
But don't get married, girls, for marriage is a bore

When he comes home in the evening he can hardly spare a look
All he says is, What's for dinner - after all, you're just the cook
But when he takes you to a party he eyes you with a frown
And you know you've got to look your best, you mustn't let him down
Then he'll clutch you with that 'Look-what-I've-got' twinkle in his eyes
Like he's entered for a raffle and he's won you for the prize
But when the party's over you'll be slogging through the sludge
Half the time a decoration and the other half a drudge

So don't get married, it'll drive you round the bend
It's the lane without a turning, it's the end without an end
Change your lover every Friday, take up tennis, be a nurse
But don't get married, girls, for marriage is a curse

Then you get him off to work, the mighty hunter is restored
And he leaves you there with nothing but the dreams you can't afford

oops -- sorry - long post (just the chorus would have done!)