Are there any reformed “messy people” on here? How did you overcome it?

[LilMagpie]

I’m so ashamed and embarrassed about my house I’m sat here in tears. My siblings came over and commented on the state of it. I just don’t understand why I’m so incapable of keeping on top of it. I don’t consider myself to be lazy in other areas of my life like work or parenting but for some reason I just put off housework and it quickly becomes overwhelming. As much as I understand the concept of “tidy as you go” I’ll do it for a short while after blitzing the house but can never seem to make it stick as a habit. I hate living like this, I feel constant shame and rarely have people over. I have two 5 year olds so it’s particularly bad right now during the summer holidays. I’m not striving for perfect but I feel like how we live right now isn’t good enough. My husband does a lot around the house and with the kids when he’s off but also works full time whereas I’m part time so it’s mostly my domain and I suck at it.
Does anyone have any tips? I’m mostly interested in hearing from those who have had similar struggles and overcome them.
Please no nasty comments, you can’t judge me harder than I’m judging myself right now, I’m really looking for advice rather than opinions on how I live.
Thank you

Me too. Hope there are some good tips.

I have ADHD and I have always struggled with it. Every time I put something down I chant to myself "don't put it down , put it away" until it's away...

It really helps me

I used to have a very messy, cluttered space and it used to stress me out. I started going through every cupboard, draw and space and getting rid of unnecessary clutter, doing just one space a day. Everything needs a home, and once I’m finished with the item it goes back to its home. Once I had gone through the entire house, I repeated the process 6 months later and realised I could definitely let go of more stuff. Now my house is minimal, tidy most of the time but so much easier to clean. I can feel the stress building if the clutter starts building

Yes I am a reformed messy person! It’s possible to do, and I feel so much better for it. I used to have more clothes on the floor/furniture than in cupboards, piles of receipts and paperwork everywhere, was constantly buying things I had somewhere but couldn’t find. In my 20s I started to improve and now 10 years later my home is consistently extremely tidy. Admittedly I don’t have kids so I am only responsible for my own stuff.

My top, number one, if-you-only-do-one-thing tip is have less stuff. I think I got rid of about 70% of my clothes etc. I used Marie Kondo but whatever method works for you…

It’s not just about getting rid of stuff though, you have to have tactics to avoid more things accumulating. As you sort through things to get rid of, think about how they came to be in your house: unwanted gifts? Post? A million gummy nail varnishes?
For each type of item, think about how you can stop them accumulating e.g.
unwanted gifts -> ask friends to get you consumables, get comfortable with taking unwanted gifts to the charity stop fairly quickly (whilst appreciating the thought of the gifter)
Post -> open it immediately when it arrives, put junk mail and envelopes in the bin. File anything that needs keeping, put anything that needs action in an obvious place (in tray/desk)
Nail varnish -> get rid of all the gummy bottles, and stop buying as “a little treat”. Or at least buy much less frequently!

It sounds extreme, but have a look at the tidy homes you go to and I guarantee most of them will have much less stuff. I live in a flat so you may get away with being a bit less ruthless if you have a bigger home…

It’s hard work to start with but honestly it comes fairly naturally now. Also I LOVE having a tidy, calm space. So if I feel a bit reluctant to get rid of something, or tempted to stuff a drawer shut rather than taking the time to charity shop a couple of jumpers, I remind myself it all adds up to creating a tidy, restful home.

I don’t know if you’re a Sort Your Life Out fan but there’s a reason they have to get rid of so many of their possessions to get their homes transformed.

My next tips (in order of importance) are:

1. Have a place for everything. If something doesn’t have a place, find one or get rid of the thing. Otherwise it will become the mess! Also, having a place for everything makes it so much easier to tidy up- you’re not having to make decisions as you go, you can just operate on autopilot moving things to their place.
2. The “one touch” rule: if you pick something up, put it away, never just put it down
3. Have regular clear outs of things that despite your best efforts (for me that’s clothes & toiletries)

That’s probably more than enough for now. I realise I sound a bit crazed and evangelical but honestly it changed my life having a tidy home. You can do it!

Thank you! This is exactly the kind of advice I’m looking for. We live in a small home so limited with storage space, and one of my biggest problems is having a sentimental attachment to objects that hold memories or gifts from loved ones. But I know that possibly the only way of getting on top of things is by creating more space and having less “stuff”. I’m currently part way through sorting through all my stuffed drawers in the living room 🤪 I do find it hard though. Do you just sort of switch off your emotions when doing it?

I'm naturally actually a tidy person and have a place for everything, like my mother. However my DH and my two DSs are the most untidy people I have ever met. I have tried to knock them into shape but it hasn't worked. I therefore have had to chose between constantly badgering them and lowering my tidiness standards and I have gone for the easy life. Having guests is a traumatic experience in trying to make the place passable but otherwise we muddle through. I agree with the decluttering suggestion but I still think my family could make any room look horrendous in only a few minutes. It's remarkable really.

Try the dubbii app. It helps by using videos to body double you. It's made by an ADHD person but that doesn't mean it won't help you. There are some really good stuff on there good luck.

My name is Scarlet and I am a reformed messy person 🙋🏻‍♀️

The only way I manage is by accepting that I like Space more than I like Stuff. I had to have a huge clear out (ok, more than one).

To answer your emotions question - I too have massive sentimental attachments to things. Clothes mostly. I had to do the trick of saying ‘thank you, time for someone else to enjoy you’ to things before I could let them go. Sounds daft but it worked for me.

I took photos of things that meant to most to me and have them all in an album on my phone.

Reformed messy person here. I find having rules for myself helps- as someone says above 'don't put it down, put it away' and 'touch it once' for small admin tasks. Also thinking through where something is going to be kept before I buy it (based on 'if I knew I already had one of these, where would I look for it?).

I also find that just recognising that tidying up is a task helps. So if I decide to do something (eg make a cake) I consciously force myself to think 'I am going to do two things- make a cake and tidy up after making a cake'. Or if I'm sketching out my time for the day, I remember to include tidy up time (like I'm at primary school 😂) Otherwise I lose focus and move onto the next thing and leave everything in a mess.

I think this all comes naturally to some people so might sound blindingly obvious, but for those of us to whom it doesn't come naturally it's really helpful to give yourself guiderails and structure.

Try habit stacking.

So while waiting for the kettle to boil, empty the dishwasher.
While running a bath, clean mirror , sink and toilet.
After clearing the table, sweep the floor.

While I don't mean to be pessimistic, ADHD and having sentimental attachments to lots of objects are both starting points for hoarding; I have both and the only thing that cured me was cleaning out my mother's hoarded house after she went into hospital. So it really is worth trying to make a difference now.

Short of having to do that, here are some things that work for me:

• I photograph anything sentimental so that I still have the memory of it
• I try to think that an unused thing is a waste, and much better for it to go to the charity shop rather than gathering dust
• try not to keep anything which doesn't have either a home or a destination

All of these rules get broken, but it's a process. Also, remember that doing something is better than doing nothing. I always want to tidy out a whole room, which there's never the time for, but have gradually done one over the last six months, one drawer at a time.

Echo some of the tips here. I’m not perfect but much better than I used to be! My tips:

1. declutter as much as possible and keep on top of it - by doing it little and often
2. make it easy on yourself by having a place for everything. Think about how you use your stuff and where it makes most logical sense to put them - it may make sense to have the cleaning stuff near your hoover and other cleaning kit, or your shoes by the door, or your stationery near your work stuff. It might seem obvious but I definitely used to try and fit my stuff wherever I could rather than where needed it to be. Then I wouldn’t find it and buy another… and things get even worse!
3. it is only in doing point 1 and 2 that you are then able to consider what other storage solutions you need. I always bought more boxes, more bags, more shelves etc as a way of trying to then organise my stuff - when actually it should be the other way around. Once you’ve streamlined your stuff to the things you truly need and want (step 1) and planned where they go (step 2) you then can assess if you need boxes/shelves/whatever to keep them tidy. I have a young child and have now bought some storage (wooden chest and wicker baskets) for her many toys which are kept where she most uses them. Because I have a better idea of what I need storage for, I don’t buy tat that doesn’t get used but save for fewer but nicer and better designed storage solutions. Next will be some in built shelves for my books.
4. put back things straight away to their “home” once finished with them. Much easier now there’s a system! And takes less time and becomes habitual. Though I’m not always 100% on this one but trying!
5. end the day tidy-ish!! Me or my husband will do a quick clean of surfaces, finish loading dishwasher and put toys back away downstairs so can relax. Not perfect, but good enough. Even though it all comes apart again the next morning, the consistency of that 10 minutes or so prevents things from compounding into chaos!

Well done on making a start! What works for me on the sentimental stuff is:
-Leave it for when I’m in a strong/good mood. It’s the hardest type of decluttering so you’re starting out then I’d save the sentimental stuff til last.
-Taking time to say goodbye to things and acknowledge what they meant to me or the memories attached to them… acknowledging the feelings makes it easier to say bye usually. But see above about only getting rid of sentimental stuff when I’m in a good mood 😂
-Limit by the amount of space/number of things I can keep, e.g. a shelf of teddies or 10 wedding cards.

Agree that thinking about Space vs Stuff is so important for recovering messy people! Remember there is a cost to keeping things, every time you make the choice to bring something into your home or “just hang on to it”- you are giving up physical and mental space in your life. (I know I sound a bit unhinged but this is how I have to talk to myself sometimes… tidiness doesn’t come naturally to me AT ALL)

Good luck OP, seems like there are a few of us recovered messy people out there- that’ll be you too before long!

My little one is a bit too young to understand yet - so not sure how well this works - but with 5 year olds maybe could also make putting their stuff away into a game? And maybe every month or so getting them to pick out some toys to donate?

Yes! Semi-reformed (although with a big cheat)

So first, a MASSIVE declutter. To the point where everything has a single, exact home - a place for everything and everything in its place.

So if you can't think where do the sellotape, spare coffee filters, craft supplies, the dog towel etc live, then you need to declutter more.

Then, look up the container method, to declutter even more. Container can be anyrhing- a shelf, drawer, box, piece of furniture. So if I know I want all my stationary to live in my desk, but the drawer is stuffed full, then I need to accept that I need to cull some stationary. This works well with sentimental items, as it isn't you saying they aren't valued. But you can't for anymore as your container is full. It removes some guilt.

Then organise so things are easy to put back - I got rid of 90% of hanging and shelf space in bedroom and most cupboards in kitchen and swapped for drawers. I am definitely more of a "put a handful of washing in a drawer" and much less of a "fold and hang each item individually". So make sure your space reflects that.

Lastly, the BIG cheat, is to have a cleaner in weekly. It forces me to do a tidy and reset every week, and the plus side I never have to mop a floor. I still have to hoover and clean kitchen, keep on top of washing etc during the week. But it keeps me honest.

If you can afford an cleaner for 1 hour, it will make multiple hours worth of difference in terms of the motivation for you to get stuff tidied up and back into its homes. So the cleaner can surface clean. Well worth it in my opinion.

Sorry you are so overwhelmed. It's a tough stage and I've definitely felt it. My house isn't visitor ready all the time but if someone dropped by I wouldn't be too embarrassed.

I had to look at the systems in my house. It has to be as easy to put things away as it is to put them down.
Shoe cupboard but all the shoes scattered on the floor? Try taking cupboard doors off so it's just shelves OR do away with the cupboard altogether and just have a basket or a small rug all the shoes must sit on.
Coat closet changed to hooks
Toys always all over the floor? Nice basket tucked in a corner you can pull out and keep where they play so it's easier for them to put away the bits, then you can move the basket (until they are older and can do alone)

We also have an upbeat and quite long song - about 4.5mins - that when it's played everyone has to stop what they are doing and tidy until it stops. It's an old song so we rarely hear it by accident but did at a shop then other day and we all felt very strange not tidying!
I also use Secrets Slobs power hour with music on YouTube. It has music the whole hour and a ding every 5 minutes where you change room or space. Its helped me see what the most impactful things I can do are, since I only have 5 mins.
The organised mum method on Patreon (£3-4 a month) has podcast-like sessions that guide you through cleaning too.

I don't like a lot of prescribed you must do this on X day and this on this day, except I do laundry on Wednesday and weekends only. Everything else is just power hour a day (often done in half that now)

Try the organised mum method.

Start the house clear out sheets the on to the daily tasks side of it. Start with one drawer at a time rather than the full room.

A good clear out helped me but it gets easier when the children are out the toy stage.

I should have shares in this I recommend it so often.
“Decluttering at the speed of life” by Dana K White. She also has a book on staying organised after you’ve decluttered.

she has a podcast called “A slob comes clean”.

its like she’s climbed inside my brain and knows how it works. She talks a lot about overwhelm and has tactics to get out of it

Reformed? No. Improved with some management techniques? Yes.
I certainly find the best advice for me is ADHD friendly...

The biggest game changer for me is the TOM Rocks pocasts. They're basically a mirroring technique and they take the thought and multitude of draining micro-decisions and distractions out of the equation.

Watching people cleaning/ organising on youtube motivates me. Dana K White, Clutter Bug, Midwest Magic Cleaning, Aurikatarina, Remi Clog are all good, either for strategy, relatability or for making me appreciate that it could be much worse and is still redemable.

Joining for tips (because my house is one).

Take photos of things you have an emotional attachment to, but don’t need.
I photographed my DC’s cards and special makes, rather than actually keeping them.

When you are about to buy something- ask yourself how long you’ll keep it before taking it to the charity shop. Often that stops you getting it. It is ok to get it just in case, as long as you remind yourself you can always take it to the charity shop- and do it.

Consider if things can be replaced. If so, then instead of keeping it in case you need it, get rid of it in case you don’t need it.

Clean as you go. When you clean your teeth, clean the sink. When you shower, squeegee the door and use a long handled brush to do the shower corners and edges. When you use the kitchen sink, rinse it.

Set up systems. Keep a duster mitt in your bedroom drawer and wipe a surface while you wait for your moisturiser to soak in.

Decide where things live and stick to it. The space tells you that something hasn’t been put away.

Lots and lots of little things make it so much easier.

1. I employed a cleaner.
2. I got together with a very tidy partner.
3. A personal breakthrough when I realised that putting the thing youve used back where it lives is one job, whereas putting the thing down somewhere random, and then putting it back where it lives, is two jobs, Halve the workload - put it away immediately.

ADHD person who loves stuff here with a lazy husband who doesn't appreciate the extra effort it takes me to keep things neat (and who never cleans anything properly or sorts stuff) plus normal slobby children.

I have been steadily reorganising around where I naturally put stuff. If something doesn't have a natural home, I put it with its "cousins" and where clutter accumulates I get nice stuff (trays, hooks, boxes) so it looks better. We have clear window sills, mantelpiece and kitchen surfaces.

Here's what also works:

• I empty the dishwasher in the morning while the kettle boils and scream at anyone who leaves anything on the side/in the living room.

• I have a (big) drawer in the kitchen and throw in all kids drawings/schoolwork/achievements/cards. I then edit and transfer to a box in the attic about twice a year when I get the urge.

• I have three clothes rails in my bedroom for tops, bottoms and dresses. This was my big problem area and I got rid of the arm chair in there as I just threw clothes on it and never sat on it. These are nice ones, with wooden hangers like a boutique. They can't get too full as it spoils the look. If I don't see my clothes, I forget about them. I then have a drawer (each) for bras and knickers, tights shorts and leggings, socks and vest tops, pjs, workout gear, jewellery, handbags and makeup/skincare. Shoes live in big boxes under the bed (trainers, sandals, fancy). Winter coats get vacuum bagged for summer. Holiday clothes live in my suitcase.

• I have naice wicker baskets downstairs for each family member and just chuck their clutter in there. It's fast, easy and satisfying!

• I store whole bedding sets including bottom sheet in the pillow case. We have different coloured towels for each family member. There's a drawer in the downstairs toilet for hats, gloves and sunglasses (and torches!)

• upstairs and downstairs cleaning supplies. I used to have upstairs and downstairs hoover but one broke and now it's just husband's job to hoover everywhere, properly at least once a month.

• every family member has a basket in the bathroom cupboard. Your basket comes out and then it goes back in. I may have four tubes of toothpaste on the go but I don't have to put the cap back on a singular tube three times a day now!

• kids have dedicated study area in their bedrooms with storage for books and sheets of paper. Sports gear/kit is stored in bags (like packing cubes) as an outfit (top, bottom, socks) or full swimming kit with goggles/swim cap.

• I also time myself doing tasks like unloading the dishwasher or cleaning the bathroom so I don't overestimate the effort required. I also clean wearing headphones just for the length of a podcast or watch tv on my phone whilst washing up

• max two pairs of shoes each downstairs but have shared crocs by the door for nipping out.

• if all this fails, just invite your friends/people round regularly as your cleaning and tidying motivation!

Some super tips here. I am going to begin in the lounge. It's being painted soon. Everything is going into boxes for the event, then I will really, really try to decide what I really don't need. Trouble is they all have memories for me, still having episodes of grief and it is so difficult. Feel as if I am being disloyal somehow.

Me. Just stop hoarding, stop assigning sentiment to material things. That helped me, my house is so much easier to keep clean and tidy now it isn’t full of stuff.