My dirty room is my dark secret

[Yoyomelon]

Hi guys

I'm feeling really low and overwhelmed and just feel like i need to get it out. I've always been a messy person my childhood home was never particularly tidy with busy parents who both work full time. Now I'm an adult with my own home, my and dh both work full time (I work from home) and while I manage to keep the shared spaces (living room/kitchen/bathroom) clean everyday and u keep my DD(5) room tidy. My office/walk in wardrobe is always a tip. It's awful I have to climb over stuff to get in and I need to work there every day. Im so ashamed, i wpuld die if anyone saw it. And even if my husband goes in (to check the radiator or something i feel such shame about him seeing it though he never says anything) The drawers and shelves are all overflowing with clothes, there are clothes/papers/hangers all over the floor. Old cardboard boxes and rubbish piled under the desk (often as I prioritise cleaning the shared areas I will dump things in my room out of sight of everyone else). In order to get it clean I would need at least 2 full days and with working full time and havng a child etc it just feels impossible. I've done it before but it always goes back to this disgusting state. I feel so useless that I cannot manage to keep a genuinely tidy house the way others seem to. I decided today that I would start it on my break and cleaned out one drawer and then sat down and cried for 30 mins before I had to go back to work. It just feels hopeless

Oh OP xx big unmumsnetty hugs to you. It's not hopeless you could absolutely get on top of it by the weekend if you just got in the zone, what is all the stuff? Does it need sorting or can it be bagged to charity etc? Sounds like maybe you need a big declutter and to not let stuff build up again. But also sounds like a bigger issue going on for you

Hey. I had a loft like that at one stage. Not quite the same but it was full of crap anyway. What I did was, one bag at a time, little walk to the shop, or bag in the car, when car full, trip to the tip and wait.

You can do it. Like now - you could potentially turn off mums net, get one carrier bag, open the door, fill it up and then stick it by the door ready to go out??

Little steps x

Thank you @Alwaystired2023 for such a compassionate reply. Most of it is clothes that need to be sorted and runbish to be binned but it's such a huge volume like whatever you are thinking it's waaaay worse. I'd say I could dump/donate over half of what's there as it doesn't fiit me since after I had my daughter it's just getting the time to do it. I've started on another drawer so maybe if I tip away at it, il get there it just feels overwhelming

Hey! You've made a start! We all need to take the first step and you've done it.

A couple of times a week is enough to break it down - just take a carrier bag in (doesn't need to be a bin bag), and fill it with rubbish that can be binned. Just the carrier bag. Then immediately chuck it in your outside bin.

On another day, take a carrier bag and fill it with clothes you can donate to charity. Maybe on the day you get one of those bags through the door? Then you bag it up and put it at the front door - next time you're out on a walk or school run you drop it off at the charity shop.

You don't have to do a massive cleanse all in one go - that's far too much pressure and unrealistic.

One carrier bag at a time is my method and I find it really takes the pressure off.

Sending you good vibes OP, this is something you can do by chipping away at it.

Well you're facing it which is a start

Get a black bin bag

Go in and chuck in all the rubbish

Then go in again with another bag and chuck in any clothes and items you'll never wear or use again

Repeat

Thank you. I'm on a work call at the moment so I'm bagging up some crap. I suppose I have to start somewhere.

Just start in one corner or wherever and just take it from there

Ah OP. You have a Monica cupboard. Monica's amazing, she is not broken.

This room does not define you. Maybe start by pulling out rubbish and clothes for recycling. Don't try to finish a whole drawer even, just easy wins wherever you see them to get the volume down.

I can totally relate to your private space being the place everything that doesn't have a home goes to die. It's a pain, it's not a personal failing. Please please give yourself some grace. You're doing so much and beating yourself up over the tiny percentage that's not perfect.

Bless you, take a big deep breath and try and look at the situation as a kind outsider/alien would. What exactly is there to feel so much shame over, it's just a bit of mess? You haven't killed anyone, you haven't done anyone any harm at all. Personally I don't get the moral panic over messy houses so many buy into but you don't have a messy house, you have just one room that no-one but you ever uses. You go to great lengths to make sure that no-one else that lives in the house is ever involved or annoyed by mess or dirt and yet you still feel this overwhelming guilt, why is that? Realistically it could stay exactly as it is for all of time and it would make no difference at all. If you do want to sort it a bit it's easily done in small chunks but you need to be a bit kinder to yourself first, if sacrificing one room to mess and chaos to enable you to keep your job and spending time with your DD and DH is more important to you than tidying your office then who's to say you're wrong?

If you do want to tidy it a bit I subscribe personally to the 'fill one black bag at a time' method rather than anything more methodical, grab a bin bag, fill it with the most obvious rubbish, if there's food packaging on the desk or cardboard boxes on the floor then you can easily just sweep them away. Then bin the bag and stop (this is the important part). Tomorrow do the same - it will get harder as you go and you may need to swap to gathering a bin bags worth of laundry or things that don't live in the room rather than pure rubbish but it's the little at a time principle...

Just one bit at a time

You'll find that once you've started you can't stop because you'll be on a bit of a high getting rid of it

Don’t beat yourself up over this, you keep the areas tidy and clean that matter and provided you’ve not got vermin or rotting smelly stuff in your space, what harm is it actually doing?
Keeping a tidy house is an over rated virtue, provided the food and bathroom areas are hygienic, spending time with your dc and making time for yourself to relax are more important in my opinion.

So grab a bin bag and just venture in

Let us know how you get on

I am in a similar situation and I have discovered a new thing that stops the overwhelm. I commit to 15 mins per day - that’s all. I set my timer on my phone and off I go, knowing it’s just 15 minutes really helps me to do it. It also becomes a game as I like to see how much I can get done in that time! It’s actually surprising what you can do in 15 mins and over a couple of weeks it is soon done. Good luck!

Thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement I'm bawling crying again but for a different reason now haha
I'm going to put the phone down and start tackling it, I will let you know how I get on.
Thank you. You have no idea how much those comments mean to me

Well done for getting the ball rolling!

You can achieve the result you want if you're able to set aside half an hour each day to decision-making and shifting all the stuff, and the visual difference the gradual chipping away makes every day will give you encouragement to keep at it.

My advice to you to keep you motivated is to take before and after photos of each area you tackle.

Think kind thoughts to yourself as you work. It's important not to see the mess as shameful. Shame is a very negative emotion and can lead you to a dark place. Try to feel some joy instead. There's a Finnish woman on YouTube (Aurikateriina) who does free cleaning for people who are over their heads in mess, with tremendous kindness and an empathetic attitude toward those she helps. Maybe take the time before you embark on your project to absorb some of the message that kindness to yourself is important.

You could listen to music or a podcast while you do your daily half hour.

Get yourself some nice bath smellies or start wearing perfume, maybe do your nails - you deserve to look and smell nice even if you've gained some baby weight. You deserve a nice room too, even though you may not think you do.

I just pick a corner and set a timer. The trick to not getting overwhelmed for me, is to not look at stuff - it's either staying or going. Have a box for each. I often find when going through the 'staying' box to put things away, that I can get rid of more. Have a plan for the stuff you get rid of - bin, recycle or donate. BHF have a donations scheme. https://www.bhf.org.uk/shop/donating-goods

2 days is not managable. Do 15 mins or so when you can. You will make a difference. The peace you will get from tackling it is so worth it. Also declutter and it will be much more managable going forward.

You've inspired me to do a bit of the ironing that fills me with dread!

Have you watched a Netflix series called Maid? It features a hoarders house and a cleaner who sorts it all out. However bad your room is, there are people with whole houses that are worse.

You can absolutely clear it, once you get started it'll be a doddle. Have a bag for Crap and a bag for Donate and no bag for Keep. Anything you want to keep, put away as you go.

Comb through for rubbish first. Rubbish is the easy win. Without a million and one Amazon boxes and carrier bags and random empty packaging/envelopes, it will already look clearer and the rest will be easier.

Start with a corner, do 15 mins and then leave it. Tomorrow do another 15 mins and then leave it and so on, every day. 15 mins. It will take a while but the time will pass anyway OP. Baby steps, bit by bit.

1.Empty the room and tip the contents on to your bed . You'll need your bed tonight so you now have a reason to get it sorted.

1. Wash down the walls, skirting boards, hoover the carpet and clean the windows.
2. Replace the furniture and then put your stuff away. The clothes should a) fit you now and b) suit your lifestyle.
3. Bag up the clothes and take them to a charity shop, "cash for clothes " place or clothing bank.
4. File or shred paperwork. In the longterm go paperless.
5. Reward yourself.

Guys I took a couple hours off work and managed to get 5 bags of rubbish and a load of cardboard recycling out. Theres still loads to do but I need to shower and make dinner. So il tackle the rest tomorrow and Friday.
See picture showing the sheer amount of rubbish and im not even done. Not to mention the overflowing laundry. I put on a couple loads already but I am thinking that I might send the rest to the laundrette as the volume is just enormous. There was drawers with dirty clothes mixed with clean and everything just smelled bad so I just decided to wash everything but its a bit overwhelming now.

Thank you for the support I can see now that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Fyi room in picture is not the messy room it's just where I'm storing the rubbish until I can go to the recycling centre tomorrow.

That's fantastic. Focus on what you've accomplished. Tell yourself the rest is in the pipeline.

The launderette is a good call. It's a good idea not to get bogged down in the minutiae of this project, whether that's laundry or difficulty deciding what to toss or donate.

Buy yourself a lovely big bunch of spring flowers for the room at the weekend.

You could start in April.
1st of April get rid of one thing.
2nd of April get rid of 2 things

And so that for every day of the month. You will have got rid of so much in that time.
There is a clothing bank at my local Tesco. Hopefully there is one near you so you can just dump a bag of clothes there and you don't need to worry about what times the charity shop is open.

Think about the next special event eg your birthday and ask your partner to buy you a new pair of jeans/ jacket or whatever you would like or prepare to buy it yourself and then work towards getting one new item as a reward for getting rid of lots of old stuff.

@Yoyomelon

That's brilliant

Be proud of yourself

On the back of this thread I cleared up a small area of my dining room that DD has cluttered up and sorted some other bits into some boxes properly I bought to go up into the loft