Hoarders Anonymous. Thread #8. We Are Keeping On Keeping On. Fighting The Cluttered Fight.

[Solo]

We are a group of likeminded householders who are leading somewhat challenging lives; be that living with too much 'stuff' that we find difficult to deal with, houses that are falling apart (mine is), health issues within the family unit, wider family, or ourselves (me too) that means sorting out our households is challenging to say the least. So...

You are all welcome to join us for support, adding your ideas to help others out, storage ideas, and even tips on actually getting those items out of the house which sounds so simple when you say it, but this part can be so very difficult; we are often attached emotionally to our 'things', afraid of letting things go just in case we need them.

Encouragement and support abound here in our band of clutterbugs. We never ever criticise anyone! We even try not to criticise ourselves as it's not helpful to anyone, but this can be very difficult to achieve.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by clutter, mess, disorganization and generally don't know where to start. If you can't be bothered, but really do want to be bothered. If you think you are a bit lazy, or if you just need to see your highs and lows and everything in between on the screen here, join us, and we will help you. We'll virtually high-five your achievements - small or large, and virtually hug you when the need arises. If you want a hug, just ask because we are here for you, here for one another because we get it. The art of washing up is sometimes our great achievement of the day, but it's still an achievement

Some helpful links. They aren't for everyone, but have a look if you fancy:

• Help For Hoarders by Jasmine Harman (the author/producer of the BBC1 documentaries My Hoarder Mum and Me and Britain's Biggest Hoarders)
• The FlyLady Cleaning Method by Marla Cilley
• The Organised Mum Method by Gemma Bray
• The KonMari Method by Marie Kondo
• A Slob Comes Clean by Dana K. White
• The Getting Things Done Method by David Allen

And a LINK-#7

I'm not sure if The Flylady link is working, but if not, you know what to search for.

Welcome to thread #8 of Hoarders Anonymous. Thread #8. We Are Keeping On Keeping On. Fighting The Cluttered Fight (and winning, one small step at a time).

@KittyTalbot I'm sorry things are in the directions they currently are, and have fingers firmly crossed for you that the meeting isn't bad news.

One of the things I use this thread for is confirming to myself patterns in my life and things I fall for from juggling too many plates, or falling for others stories, failing to take action in time, others repeated patterns, giving others too much grace etc.

Your DP's generosity of spirit is theoretically admirable, but the old saying 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me,' comes to mind.
Of course you're going to resent it. and resentment eats away. 'Nice' DP's cheerfully playing Lord Bountiful with mutual (I assume) income, and your time and labor.
Not saying that to put the boot in, more that perhaps he doesn't even realize that's the end result, and might like to make amends by while the weathers good, putting in an hour an evening sorting out what he's been left with as a result of failing to learn. (You can always be nice too and give him a hand) I bet he'll never pay up front again if he has to fix it when the inevitable doesn't happens.

Really sorry to hear about mum and sibling, sounds like a situation that will only get worse without assistance or intervention and possibly ultimately fall to you to solve?.
Do you know if they're both claiming all they're entitled to and could some of it be used to bring in some cleaning help, or is that a hopeless idea? It brings it's own issues but might alleviate current ones, and possibly if you can find the right person encourage their self awareness. It's very easy to become quietly depressed, and blind to living situations if you're not out and about much.
Sadly aging parents with disabled offspring slowly going downhill and sliding through the cracks is all to common.

@TalkToTheHand123 Well done. Wondering if you emptied the alcohol into yourself... I did that previously and blooming (adult) Dc announced that it didn't count as de-cluttering until at least 48 hours later, and most of the Baileys didn't count at all as it would now be sat on my hips instead of in the cupboard!😂

Yesterday was launderette, painting and more work outside.
Have botched the kitchen window surrounds with filler, slapped some paper on, and painted them, along with part of a wall that's been damaged. Not lovely but looks a lot better, and less like a building site, for now.

Contractors have annoyingly left the bunker part broken up for now, and moved on to another task, but it does leave me more time to try and slice neighbors tree trunk up. After failing to get anywhere with a saw, I used it to cut out a slice, and managed to get one big chunk separated from the main trunk using an old chisel, and hammering in wedges until it finally split.
Lots of broken glass, concrete and plastic cable etc picked out of garden. Have two bags of detritus and some branches ready for dump, and at least one chunk of tree at a size contractors can be expected to take when they clear the bunker.

Trying to take advantage of the good weather, and get as much as possible that needs it, done, but so aware of everything else that isn't getting sorted. Surveyor is supposed to be coming today, but hasn't shown up or bothered to cancel for the last three appointments, so not holding out much hope.

Preparing for endoscopy tomorrow. Probably going to feel shit afterwards.

Started washing up.
Cleaned sink and draining board.
Did two loads of washing yesterday but still need to.hang them. (Oops)

@Elleherd , I had a few sips of the gin, but needed to empty the cupboard, clean and make space and need to get housekeeping and weightloss under control more first before I hit the drink again. Well that's the plan.😂

@BlackeyedSusan Hope all went as well as it could and you're not too sore.

@TalkToTheHand123 The best laid plans and all that...😂

No supervisor, no surprise. Cleaned up two large plant stands and another few bits that where in the bunker. Moved lots of plants, raked over compost, cleaned up more garden around contractors coming and going. Added three more bags of detritus and a couple of bags of garden cuttings to earlier stuff to go, and got all of it out and to the dump/ garden recycling today.

Hope it all went ok for you @BlackeyedSusan ?

I really fancy a nice G&T now @TalkToTheHand123

@Elleherd you have done so well being busy and getting stuff done, and in this heat too!! I am melting just walking to school and back!

I think DM is claiming all she can and money isn't so much the issue - her mortgage is paid off and she has very little outgoings - it's more that she won't use her money for things which would actually benefit her, such as a cleaner, carer etc! I imagine she could even get help with those too if she tried. We've suggested one of those pendant alerts to give her a bit more confidence that someone can help her if she falls again, but to her that's acknowledging that she actually may fall again, and she just can't cope with it she has real ostrich tendencies - won't deal with anything till it's absolutely urgent - and then is upset that it's now urgent and she has (for example) no shoes, as her shoes have to be specially made and fitted, but she didn't want to acknowledge that her previous pair would wear out at some point and order some in advance and therefore didn't... and so on and so forth. She is retired, has plenty of time on her hands but prefers someone else to deal with all this stuff so she has time to do her beloved jigsaw puzzles...

Can you tell I'm a bit tired with all of this?! And now it looks like I'll have to spend a considerable amount of time job hunting as redundancy is definitely on the cards

kitty I'd tell her she needs to employ a PA if she just prefers not to think about things. It's not fair of her to put on you for no reason, tell her you're too busy and she'll have to find another solution. Sorry about your redundancy, that's a blow. Have you been there long?

I'm surprised no amateurs with knackered chainsaws have wanted to come cut the tree up for fire wood elleherd. I guess people aren't thinking that far ahead or maybe you're too urban for many people to have chainsaws. Hopefully you can get another chunk cut off before they come back to dispose of things.

Fingers crossed 🤞 for the endoscopy results Susan.

I took another two bags of stuff to the donation point.

@KittyTalbot TBH I'm melting too and struggling to do anything that can't be broken into small repeatable actions, or takes too much energy, but I know this period of getting the sun to do some of the work, and not having to expend energy getting everything under cover for potential rain at the end of each day, wont last.

Sadly your Dm probably thinks it's a waste of money getting someone to do what she could do, even though she doesn't actually do it! It's a hard mindset to challenge.
Denial of the effects of ageing and vulnerability is a lot easier than acceptance. Eventually you do run out of the option though.
You are perfectly reasonable to be tired of it all, it's very exhausting watching someone not help themself, especially if they then expect you to pick up the bits.
Really sorry to hear the meeting was to warn of redundancy, that's rotten.
You wouldn't be unreasonable to use it and what it means in time constraints, to try and reset some boundaries with DM, though I appreciate that doesn't remove the worry of what's going on.

@BlueSummerBaby Too urban, and smoke free zones for miles around. We're not allowed to burn wood etc, bonfires, or even use small incinerators to generate ash to use on the garden, without being fined
I've been trying to get the energy and fortitude together to get the next chunk off the tree trunk, but the first one took hours of wrangling, pain and huge energy,and really took it out of me, but yes I need to knuckle down and get it done. It's the old how to eat an elephant when you just want salad. The delay in them completing removal of the bunker is helping lull me into a false security that doesn't exist. Thank you for the gentle prod, I'd be such an idiot to miss the chance to get it taken out.

Well done with another two bags of stuff donated.

@BlueSummerBaby well done on the donations!! I definitely have a couple of bags which could go to the clothes recycling bank, just holding off now until the end of term when there will be extra school clothes to add to it - definitely the 'white' polo shirts which ceased to be white a long time ago!! I've been at my current place 3.5 years, at least it means I'll get a redundancy payout, even if not a great one. You're right, DM could do with a PA or similar but I think she's just entrenched in the 'bury your head in the sand' habit, and needs a family member to point out that sometimes that's not practical...

@Elleherd I do hope the tree trunk removal goes well, that sounds absolutely exhausting, and in this heat too! I take it the builders (or other workers on site) wouldn't be able to give you a hand...? Either way, you have my complete admiration for doing it!

You're completely right in that DM finds it easier to deny what's happening than think "you know what, this isn't ideal but how can we make it better/ easier" - it's like she thinks she will wake up one day and be restored to full health, at least for a few days to get stuff done that she now just physically can't! Sadly that will never happen though, especially as she won't visit her doctor because they "never help"

It looks like redundancy is definitely heading my way not sure why but the company want it done ASAP too which a view to me leaving by the end of next week I spoke to a solicitor who said that's too soon and I don't have to accept those terms unless I wanted to, but not to worry about it either way until they've provided the final terms of what I'm being offered. I imagine my company will send those over today in an attempt to get things done double quick though! I haven't even told DP yet as I was holding off to see if it was a definite - at this rate I'll end up as one of those people who pretend to go off to work as normal every day and their family have no idea that they lost their job weeks ago...

Allegedly no contractor is allowed to do anything unless told to by a senior contractor, or so they say. Leads to ridiculous situations and lots of large groups standing around all day, even though they're surrounded by obvious stuff that needs clearing up and part finished jobs. The ones that will do things for cash, ask for silly amounts of money, but say they need more than someone hired in specially do it, 🤔because they can be sacked for it.

I suspect your work don't want someone whose being made redundant around any longer than possible because of surviving staff morale, and their own discomfort and fears. 😒It's rotten. Glad you have some proper advice to hand.

I may suffer the same delusions as your DM regarding 'if I could just rest up enough, maybe my body will work better later and have more to give.'😊
(But I rarely do; carer 's complaining that all her work to get me safely in and out of bed, patch bits up, and set me up for the day, is now entirely destroyed daily!)

Yesterday: mainly spent getting a second section of tree trunk detached, and then split in half, so three big chunks now available to go. I'm having to take down a very shonky barrier created on top of the tree trunk to get at it, and then put up a chicken wire fence on poles as each section of tree is removed, to stop neighbors monster dog. Poor thing's demented by what's going on, and driving itself and everyone crazy.

This morning's been moving a load of building materials that where in the bunker, out of the way, to a better place for now, trying to trace yet another water leak, 🙄and washing subsequent sweat marks out of my thinnest blouse to try and look vaguely presentable for (paid) work I'm off too for the rest of today.

Kitty there's a "consultation period" by law. I'm not up to date but was 3 months last time I went through it. It doesn't mean you won't be made redundant but it means you can put to them any reason why they can't legally make you redundant. Eg one of my colleagues was pregnant so they had to keep employing her until she returned from maternity leave then make her redundant at that time.

After this they can officially make you redundant but must give you your proper notice or pay you for that notice period regardless. You absolutely don't have to leave by end next week.

If, however, they're offering to pay you for the 3 months consultation period and your notice period on top of that (and any holiday pay owed obviously, including that accrued during the consultation period and notice period), then it makes no difference to you financially whether you're there or not and time-wise it's obviously nicer to be paid for not working than for working. They'd also owe you the redundancy money on top of all that.

Don't forget you can negotiate. If they've some reason for wanting to wrap things up early (other than financial reasons), you can offer to comply if they pay you an additional "X" amount, on top of everything else they'll owe you. You can ask for whatever you want. The worst they can do is say no. If the only reason they want you gone is so they can stop paying you then they won't go for a deal that sees them paying you extra. Ask why they're making the role redundant (because don't forget it is the role, not you, that's redundant).

Unless rules have changed, they also have to offer you any other roles you could do in the company, by law. Those roles could be on other sites, completely different to the current role or lower paid, but if you could do the job and it's vacant, they have to offer it to you (and any others being made redundant) regardless. Even if they know you'll only stay until you've found something better.

Try not to be sucked in by your mum's preferences that you act as her unpaid, available 24/7, PA. You can point out the obvious, but wether she takes her head out of the sand or not is her choice, don't let her make it your problem. Same with the doctor. I know some can be rubbish and the NHS is broken, with long waits for everything and most things being fobbed off with painkillers if you're lucky. But it's her choice not to go and if that has knock-on effects on her ability to function (by not getting things sorted or not accepting the painkillers etc) then it's her choice to be in that state and it's not a problem you have to rush in to fix. With a lot of people, the more you voluntarily pick up any slack, the more they'll slack off. It's not that they can't help themselves, a lot of the time, it's that they'd prefer someone else to do whatever-it-is just because that's easier for them than taking personal responsibility. It's not wrong to let someone else feel the consequences of their choices, in many cases it's the only way they'll start choosing differently and making more sensible choices that don't inflict their problems on others to solve.

That actually makes sense about the contractors elleherd. They could have clauses in their contracts about moonlighting. They're basically saying they don't want to do what you're asking but they will, to do you a favour, so long as you pay them danger money because they're risking their jobs.

I'm sure you've heard the theory, as a self employed person yourself, that to avoid offending anyone never turn down a job - just quote a ridiculous price to attempt to put the customer off, so that if the customer decides to go for it at least you're being well rewarded for the job you didn't want in the first place. I disagree with the theory and would prefer people were more straightforward and honest, but I think I'm in the minority, with most preferring to be told what they want to hear.

Fuck it's hot!

Got down to 27degrees in the flat overnight, which is the top end of comfortable when acclimatised. (Slept part of the night under a duvet FFS)

Got kid up to go school but they were not well. Sent back to bed with fan.

Just been washing up while it is cooler, (!) so hot and sweaty. Not bothered shutting the windows to keep the cold air in as it didn't really get cold; I'd rather have the breeze. Do have the old sheets up behind the curtains to give extra insulation. Put some shopping away.

Caught up on sleep after late night with kiddo.

Planning to go and do washing and shopping this evening.

Can add chasing flies around the flat trying to throw them out.

Bagging up the compost.

Negotiating between kiddo and ex and talking through washing sports equipment over the phone.

Melting in a puddle!

Oh bloody hell. Kiddo not in a good way. Ex is pissing him off.

Extended negotiations with ex and kiddo.
Took kiddo to club to save walking in heat.
Shopped.
One load of washing at ex's.
Carried v heavy shopping upstairs and Tetrised fridge.

Possibly killed a fly. Hate the bastards.

@KittyTalbot Hope you find Blue's excellent post useful. I know don't forget it is the role, not you, that's redundant is more aimed at the practical side, but I'd also say don't forget it, re the emotional impact too.

@BlueSummerBaby agree with you about the contractors overpricing to avoid getting caught moonlighting, though a couple then demanded to be let do the work at their quoted price. Had to have a conversation about quote's not being a contract. They have no such qualms about coming begging for the kettle to be put on however, but I suspect there's more unity in not reporting each other for doing that. 😀

@BlackeyedSusan Sympathies, it is hard going here too. The hot weather's causing already fragile tempers to be stretched thin everywhere by the sounds of neighbors.

Spraying/ dampening the hung window sheets helps. (Added orange blossom water to the sprayer here, which was nice as it dried,- elderflower might work too.)
Putting a very lightly damp shirt and pillowcase in a container in the fridge has been part of surviving here.

Yesterday: research and Screwfix done; and corroded section of copper pipe and leaking joint cut out, and replaced with new pipe and repair couplings. Seems to be holding...
Success much needed as our amazing launderette is currently restricted to drying only, thanks to a mains leak, so it's going to be hand washing for now.
Though local kids and dogs are enjoying the impromptu river at least.
Have another slice sawed into tree trunk and one wedge driven into it. Have tried putting water into it overnight to see if it does anything to reduce the amount of labor and energy needed to split it. About to go see, and try and crack on with today.

Paperwork filed. (With help)

Bath/tiles and basin cleaned.

Washing done (one load ) and hung. (3 loads)

Two more (smaller) chunks of tree trunk split off, a curtain rail up but not yet finished, more greenery trimmed and taken to recycling, but a day flat on back trying to get swollen limbs back to normal. Launderette today.

Lost half of Wednesday and all of Thursday to trying to recover enough to be able to show up to paid work on Friday. As a result of that, this morning's gone to lying diagonally with feet in the air to get swelling down enough to be put into wheelchair to start attacking the weekends tasks.
Supervisor finally turned up on Friday apparently expecting that I should be there.

How annoying Elle!

Too hot to have been doing much. I have been living at 28-30 degrees for days. The flat is not getting cool even with the windows open.

Cleaned the living room window glass and woodwork before the sun came round. Bloody knackered as it is so hot.

@BlackeyedSusan Don't blame you, it's not easy in this heat. I'm finding the dampened sheets, and also blocks of ice in front of a fan is helping keep things cooler. Very grateful for both freezer and fan!

Yesterday was lots of external wall repair while the sun and heat can be used to dry out the damp bits enough to try fixing them. Don't have much trust contractors are actually going to do many repairs down this end.
The gossip seems to be it will mainly be going on the new 'studio flats' being carved out of the buildings, and bringing the worst bits up to some legality before the renters bill is through. Though in theory I will get some additional repairs as the carrot part because I've been an 'entry/exit flat,' but it all sounds very dependent on how much budget is left, so...

This morning has been replacement of cv joints and boots on vehicle. Stupidly hot, tarmac is melting, and pavement is boiling.

Big bucket of water and some empty bottles out for the idiots dragging their poor dogs around on hot pavements. (May have rolled over and stuck my head in it a couple of times, but the dogs don't mind!)

Took advantage of it being only 28.5 and washed up some pots, dried and put away some pots.

Well done Elle. I'm utilising a damp flannel to keep cool.

Tomorrow it's v hot and going to be at dr's and pharmacy. At least the GP has air con.

Yesterday: (32degree heat)
Took kid to school.
Email reply school why late.
Asda shop
Carried shopping up two flights of stairs, put away.
Collected two bags of washing, carried downstairs, took to ex's
One load of washing put on.
Go home hand wash boxing wraps
Nap.
Get out kids boxing clothes
Take kid to blood test.
Fetch kid from home.
Take kid two blood test
Drs appointment
Arrange own blood test.
Drive to ex's
Take out washing put second load on.
(Ice-cream!)
Drive kid one to club,
Buy drink to get change for club
Drive kid two to club
Drive to ex's
Take out second load of washing put third on
Take out third load.
Fetch kid from club.
Aldi shop.
Carry shopping and two.loads of washing upstairs (kid carries rest)
Put some shopping away.
Collapse in heap.
Get one load of washing out and DD hangs washing.
Hand wash bra/boxing wraps.
Open and close windows, curtains and hang /remove extra sheets and check temperature regularly to monitor this.