Men not pulling their weight at home

[Judy1234]

www.telegraph.co.uk/education/main.jhtml?xml=/education/2008/03/09/st_housewives.xml

Why do these women tolerate it? How do the inequities start out?

they start when the lady goes on maternity leave and starts doing more as she is home more.

I now work full time AND have to do everything else whilst my husband works part time. He doesn't "do" housework etc. Things have gotten to the point where i have got an au pair in to help me as i know that i can't do it all.

Not a happy situation to be in but with 3 children to put 1st, there isn't an eassy solution.

We both worked full time and shared things at least 50/50 because their father would see what needed doing and do it - never was a case of having to be asked and if anything he was more into keeping the house straight than I was but obviously not all men are like that.

So if your man doesn't do housework have you asked him if he thinks it fair that you work full time and do it and he works part time and doesn't? I don't why anyone would ever tolerate that even for one week never mind a long time.

I would imagine a lot of the women do it for a quiet life.
Some men have different levels of cleanliness to their partners, with the end result being DW/DG tidies up as she finds it intolerable to live in. Whereas the bloke genuinely cannot see anything wrong with living in a pigsty.
Mind you some men have had their mothers waiting on them hand and foot, and think that the housekeeping fairy does it all.

I'm a SAHM so during the week the housework is part of my job, when DP gets in at night he does things like tidy up/empty the dishwasher etc

At weekends housework is split 50/50 why should my weekends be spent doing housework whilst he relaxes? It's my weekend too. He does his own ironing as well.

I would have no respect for a man who sat on his bum whilst his partner did all the work around him.

Message withdrawn

Same here, Roja. We're partners in a family, not master and skivvy.

He knows that I'd not put up with that nor he with me.

I think women are often brought up to mollycoddle men like they're children.

Well, I don't even mollycoddle my own children in that sense past a certain age.

EVERYONE helps out as they can - children get a sense of family security out of this.

And FWIW, my husband was a SAHD for years.

A SAHD.

Not a maid.

We still split the chores roughly 50/50.

Looking after kids is a JOB.

I'll strongly encourage my daughters to dump any lazy sod who believes otherwise, unless he has the wherewithal to hire help.

The bottom line is, it's lazy and disrespectful.

Agree expat

I think a lot of it does comes from mothers though. DPs mother is one of these martyr types would not allow him to touch the hoover or anything but would go on about all she did for him etc I have seen a lot of mothers like this that don't actually allow their sons to do anything. There husband does sod all around the house so the sons see this and copy it.

I broke that cycle very quickly we are a team and a family, my job right now is to provide the childcare and I do see it as a job not my duty as a housewife.

i have asked so many times. We have had so many arguements about it and nothing changes.

When i get upsat about doing everything, mu hubby tells me that i am depressed and to go to the doctors!

What would you all do in my shoes? I just want my 3 children to be happy

I'd hire help in your case, phrae

I'd stop doing anything to do with him, whatsoever: cooking, washing, anything like that. Cook for you and the kids (this is still inequitable, but it's a step forward). Let his stuff pile up on his side of the bed.

Don't ask him. TELL him.
Just say "X needs doing" OR "do X now".
Men seem to prefer commands.

My DH will do things when told but never notices things actually need doing, hence the commands.

If DH objects do a list of all the household tasks, the time they take to do and who does them (i.e. you) and how much time it takes.
Point out this is unfair.
Tell him from now on to do his share when told.

If he won't, stop washing and ironing his clothes. My friend did this, and it was effective.

Also, make sure kids do some chores (appropriate to their age). My brother and I were expected to empty our own bins, make our beds each morning and tidy our toys from the age of about 7/8 as I recall. then it's not just one person doing everything and getting really pissed off.

Getting a cleaner or au pair just perpetuates the problem that "cleaning is what women do and if my wife woman does not do it she'll find another woman who will".

What would I do?
(a) Don't nag or criticise if things aren't done exactly the way I would do.
(b) never ask then do the task. If I'd asked and it wasn't done I'd leave it undone
(c) I'd look at the hours we each work (work including house and childcare) and ensure a fare division
(d) try not to share most jobs - e.g. my husband was responsible for all washing so I never even thought about that whereas I got the school bags ready. He dealt with putting on the dishwasher. I combed and plaited the girls' hair. So not sharing or helping but each having defined tasks you know you are 100% responsible for.
(e) all got much better when we both earned enough to pay a cleaner however which is one solution.
(f) try to marry someone with similar domestic standards
(g) if someone is never going to change and you can live with it then buy in the help you need and put up with it without resentment is often the only answer accepting that they have a lot of other good points (nice to you, rich, good in bed or whatever it might be) that makes up for the fact they are messier or lazier than you.

i get pretty cheesed off in my house, especially when dh rants about stuff left on the table etc, to the only person in the house who ever puts anything away! (me ) i try to keep on top of the state of the house, but tbh i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle all the time. ds1 does his best in his room, but hasn't got enough storage for all his lego (or too much lego ) dd gets distracted by books and forgets to get on with tidying her room, and dh just complains about how he's got (man-)flu and can't possibly... grr! ds2 i'll let off the hook - he's only 8 weeks old

Surely the point of the article is not that men are sexist pigs who don't want to do their fair share around the house, but rather that the long hours culture of the global economy makes the "traditional" division of labour (man out working, woman looking after children and home) even more marked than in the past, just at a point where women were expecting it to be much less so? So the gap between expectations and reality is ever greater, though not through men or women's fault, causing huge marital tension?

To a pretty large extent, you have to just deal with that (and fighting over housework equality is not helpful IMO) - either you make a decision to downsize, like the couple in the article, or you make a decision to live with the disadvantages of the global economy for male/female equality because you want/need the benefits (money)?

Yes, that's what the article is about - that the male long hours and housewife at home model works worse when men work long hours although go back 50 years and most men worked on Saturdays as well as the week and I'm not so sure there was this nirvana or shorter working hours people seem to think. It's like the 50s myth of very happy housewives at home when in fact many worked and even more were on valium because it's so tedious at home with a child with no purpose in your life.

Two people both working part time rather than one working mega hours and the other not at all may be a compromise some use.

I kicked my first husband out because not only was he awful with the children, the house and EVERYTHING I also didn't love him anymore. My second husband does nothing around the house and although he loves the children he doesn't do much with them and didn't when they were younger either. He works full time, I work between 9am and 3pm whilst my youngest is at school, he doesn't help with anything............nothing. I would be happy to be on my own, but i remember the early days of being a single parent and of having no money and being lonely i don't want to go through that again. Also my ex never had the children for weekends so I didn't get the odd weekend off as the article mentioned, my ex never wanted to see the kids again. I don't want to put the children through that again. There are always different sides to this argument.

Yes, but you're still accepting something I'd regard as unacceptable. But everyone works out their own compromises. If they aren't the second husband's children then perhaps it's fair he doesn't do anything with them but he should be wielding the hoover and cooking the meals like most men in 2008.

God knows, I wouldn't be married to someone who didn't pull his weight.

And my second husband wouldn't be my second husband had he not accepted that my ds (from dh1) was part of my life AND his RESPONSIBILITY TOO.

My mil mollycoddled both her sons - dh and bil. dh's ex-gf did me a big favour. (when they were together) she basically made him aware that it was pathetic that he took his laundry home, only ate take-away food etc. He was approaching 30 and mummy still washed his pants.

Ex-gf (she didn't live with him btw) took him out and facilitated the buying of a washing machine and within minutes the mysteries of laundry were made clear. Mil really took the huff. Her older son got married and younger son(dh) got a washing machine in the same month. She was apparently very distressed.

I am on maternity leave at the moment - not housekeeping leave. In our house we share the housework, and like Xenia said have tasks that we tend to have as our "own". I never take the bin out (and I mean never) but he never washes the kitchen floor. I don't treat my dd1 (4) as a slave, but I expect basic considerations. Put laundry in basket, tissues in bin, take plate into kitchen etc.

Just to throw caution to the wind, personally I wouldn't mind being 'stuck at home with the monotony of the kids' even without the vallium, especially as they get older!

Don't usually see DH before 6pm or 7.30pm anyway and also working FT does put stress on a relationship - I would happily become my own boss, organise my own day and be free to spend as much time with kids as possible, plus have the time to get organised at home and not live in a bit of a pit

I do agree about MATERNITY leave tho, as I have never taken on MORE chores than usual when enjoying a mat break...it causes bad habits in the other half .

One of my children is my second husbands child, but i actually think he considers all of them his now. I was actually just talking about how he doesn't help at all at home, he says he works all day and that is that. What do i do then, kick him out?? We get on ok most of the time, i am just knackered. Whilst i respect your comments Zenia i don't actually agree that if the first two children are not his he shouldn't do anything with or for them, we are a family. I just would love him to contribute to the household jobs etc., but he will never change. He thinks as he works longish hours the rest are my jobs. I feel that as i work during school hours I could do with some help!! Anyway i would be much worse off on my own with the kids, i know that as i have been there before. I can't exactly MAKE him help.