We are messy people. Help me to change!

[WhereAreWeNow]

Just that really! Our house is a tip.

DH has ADHD which means he's a hoarder and quite scatty and messy. He does a bit but he doesn't pull his weight.

DD (13) has about 5 billion books and finds it hard letting go of her old things (toys and books) and she does sod all to help around the house.

I have too much stuff (clothes and shoes) and the house is quite small. I work full time and do nearly all of the cooking, cleaning, food shopping etc. But I'm really not on top of the cleaning bit. Or the cooking actually but that's another story!

So the house is cluttered and messy and therefore also a bit dirty because it's impossible to clean properly when there's so much stuff everywhere.

It's really getting me down. It feels a bit overwhelming and impossible. I've been reading up on TOMM and I've told DH and DD we're going to try it.

Can anyone please hold my hand/give me a good talking to and tell me:
—Where to begin tackling the mountains of clutter?
—How to get DD and DH to do their bit?

Thanks!

I'm a Marie Kondo method fan - or Marie Kondo "light". Same sort of approach as sort your life out (love that programme).

Everything needs to come out of where it is currently stored and put together in one big pile according to type / category. Obv you only do one category at a time.
E.g. all books. They need to come off the shelves. Then you sort through one by one and keep the ones you really want to keep. Whether it "sparks joy" might not be useful to you; I find it works well for some categories and not others, but you need to think hard about whether it is something you are keeping because it is meaningful in some way (either useful or you love it), or just holding onto it for other reasons.

It's a tiring method and quite full on, especially categories like clothing or books where you have a lot of things. Paperwork is also a killer in terms of effort. But putting everything you own of one type all together works because it's shocking to see the volume of stuff you have, and it lets you more easily see where you have duplicates you don't need. If you only ever tidy a location at a time you don't get to the bottom of the stuff!

There are a few other ideas in Marie Kondo's book I found really useful. She discusses things like wanting to keep gifts (even if we don't like or use them) and keeping things because we see it as a waste of money to get rid of them, encouraging you to think about how that object has served its purpose. You acknowledge why you have it (e.g. a dress you never wear but bought on a whim when you were bored) and that it served a purpose but you can move on without having to keep it.

I’m a natural minimalist living with an ADHD hoarder and a 3yo so my house is full of crap, and I’m not currently decluttering it because Covid and pregnancy have zapped my energy. But living with the CRAP gives me insight into the stuff people might find to throw. Off the top of my head in my house I’d throw out:

Bathroom scales, bought by DP for a health kick but never used
98% empty bottle of cheap coconut hair conditioner that none of us use and just squats in the shower caddy
Six months worth of magazines in a basket in the sitting room that are being kept “to cut out important articles… at some point”
Nursery “pasta and glitter” art
A sandwich bag of IKEA kitchen doodads. Had our kitchen fitted 3 years ago. The doodads’ purpose has yet to become apparent, the kitchen isn’t falling apart, they are useless
A cardboard box in case DP wanted to return something 18 years ago to a shop that no longer exists
Too many sofa cushions
Gift packs of hand cream from my MIL, who weaponises clutter
Clothes unworn in years
Spares of things “just in case” when we live 5 minutes from a supermarket
Tupperware without matching lids
Used work notebooks where the notes are no longer relevant
Wires and cables with no purpose
Children’s party bag type tat toys
Free gifts from the cover of children’s magazines
The one sharp knife in the set we never use
A dented saucepan
Decorative items, how many vases do we actually need and use

Sometimes I gaze around my house and mentally Post-it everything I use and would keep and it’s just so very, very little, but lots of the stuff isn’t solely mine.

Place marking. I suspect I have ADHD as I find myself doing things like chopping an onion at dinner time then thinking "ooh illl just empty the dishwasher" then seeing a mug and thinking "ooh I'll just have a coffee" and so on.
I'm not horrible or trying to be messy. But I struggle.

I'm feeling inspired by everyone's messages! We have had the in laws staying for 4 months but they leave in 2 weeks time. We have made a lot of effort since covid but I can see some bad habits creeping back in! The in laws are super organised and always cleaning and tidying. They put us to shame but I can see the advantages of their ways. They clean and tidy a little everyday so they keep on top of it. Unlike me who leaves things for weeks and then has to do a major blitz! I'm looking forward to having the house back so I can start getting myself into some sort of routine. All I want is to have a house that is ready for visitors. I had to spend weeks cleaning and tidying to get ready for the in laws coming to stay.

You aren't meant to throw away 27 of the same things. But you say if you threw things away you'd need to replace them - nope. I have so much crap in my house that I would never need to replace if it was gone.

I suspect you probably naturally declutter by getting rid of things as soon as you no longer need them, instead of filing it away thinking "I must get rid of that" or "I might use that later" or wondering whether it's worth selling or thinking X family member might like it (and then they don't so it sits in limbo for months) or simply "I'll deal with that later". And don't buy things without being sure you need them, or immediately return/get rid of things which are wrong.

I could easily get rid of 27 things! Just looking around me, I see a lot of rubbish, I see plates/cups hanging around and I know we could cut down on those. There are books in my desk I'm saving to list on FB, but haven't yet. There are toys that I should sort through for outgrown/broken/incomplete. There are too many craft supplies, I should pare those down (or at least organise them so they are more easily used) I know there is a pair of jeans I got for DH that are the wrong size but it's too late to return them now and I don't know what happened to the receipt anyway. I have packets that I saved because they have a discount code, I should just book the thing with the code and throw away the packet. I have plates that I inherited from my grandma sitting in a protective wrapper because I need to put them up on the wall and get rid of or store the wrapper. Etc etc for every room!

The other day I tidied the kitchen and chucked away a load of expired spices we have never used.

Really good ideas thanks

If you can easily replace within a week for less than £20, get rid of anything your keeping ‘just in case’. I have yet to need to replace anything.

I personally would start doing areas first for myself then hopefully the rest of the family will get on board when seeing the nice changes.

START with your bedroom. Declutter everything . Then clean everything. At the end of each day you will feel so much happier and calmer to then tackle other areas of your home.

Good luck.

There are so many brilliant tips here. It's particularly interesting hearing from those of you with ADHD or partners with ADHD. My DH's messiness has been a cause of tension in our relationship for as long as I can remember (along with his inability to ever be on time) but I'm starting to realise that some of this is perhaps down to his ADHD . I'm also starting to wonder if DD might have it. She's very bright and academic but she's also blissfully unaware of time and mess and is quite scatty.

I think part of my problem is I sort stuff into piles quite regularly. The charity shop stuff is easy - I live near to several charity shops so I take stuff all the time. My problem is the big pile of clothes and shoes that I think I should sell (because they cost me a lot, because they're barely worn, because I think they're nice and worth something to someone). I do put some of it on ebay and Vinted but I don't sell much and it just sits around in a pile while I try to work out what to do with it. I tell myself I'll try to sell it again but I never get round to it. So maybe I just need to get over this idea that I'm going to sell stuff and just give it all to charity. And stop buying crap.

I've listened to a few of the podcasts mentioned and I'm going to have a look for the Stacy Solomon programme.

Oh and I'm definitely guilty of having a lot of "just in case" stuff. DH hoards rubbish (literally old torn envelopes, old receipts, old tissues 😖).
I don't hoard that kind of thing I do hoard stuff that I think will be useful at some point. Kilner jars, random cleaning things, spares of toiletries and food so we never run out of anything, old mobiles (that I'm never sure if I did the factory reset and I don't want to give them away in case they've got precious photos on), old chargers....

I tell myself I'll try to sell it again but I never get round to it. So maybe I just need to get over this idea that I'm going to sell stuff and just give it all to charity. And stop buying crap.

I think this! Clearing the space in your house is probably worth a lot more to you than whatever you'd get for selling it second hand. Sometimes you just need to cut yourself some slack and just get rid of things in the easiest way until you're more on top of things.

I think you need slob lady not team Tomm. I think we graduate from 'a slob comes clean' to team Tomm. Tomm is only possible if your house is decluttered already.

There are free slob podcasts and the book with the plate on the cover. I'd start there. Start small. Wash the dishes every day. That's where it all begins. Putting stuff in the bin. That's next. Then clearing out. Then the cleaning is easy! You have less stuff and everyone has buyin to what's going on.

I think for things like Kilner jars, just keep what you realistically use. If you have 20, and never use, give 16 away.
Someone else can make use of them during the next 10 year you don’t use, and you can buy another 2 in a decade if you suddenly need more.

Additude.com has great resources and if you sign up for their email updates you'll see they do great webinars. The one yesterday was actually on 'Hoarding Disorder versus ADHD Clutter'. It's well worth a watch. I laughed with recognition in places.

I think you need an ally. Have you got a tidy friend who would help you declutter?
Basic approach - confine the mess. Give messy people one room to have their mess in. The most you can hope for is that they don't make things worse - they won't improve.

Then make yourself a space to work in. Get storage - decent storage, fitted shelves etc, pay someone. And then get rid of what doesn't fit in the storage. It's true, the less you have the less there is to tidy up.

To declutter you need to collect similar things together, pick out what a reasonable person would need, e.g. one box of decent pencils and pens. Then get rid of the rest no matter how nice/sentimental/not used up. People will come and collect sorted things like "Big bag of part used art/craft materials".

Also don't beat yourself up about needing to sell things or give to a worthy cause or recycling. In all likelihood much of it is junk anyway. Help yourself by using the easiest exit strategy - 24 hours on Facebook, then tip. Clothes just let the charity have the benefit of them. Sunk costs.

I've also invented a tidying up method called Going Round the House.

Start at the front door, walk clockwise round the edge of rooms, pick up/put away everything that's out of place you come to in each room until you are back at where you started. It kind of helps with the "where to start" and you usually get something easy like recycling some junk mail or tidying the coat hooks first!

Notme I like that!
Good for unsticking from the overwhelm

There's a Canadian woman who does something called Clutterbug. While I don't buy into the cutesy insect groups for different personality types, she has 4 different strategies for decluttering and keeping on top of things and recognises one method doesn't suit all.

Her book is called "Real Life Organising". I borrowed it on Borrowbox from my library.

Yes, just get rid! Give tidiness and empty space in your house a theoretical price – what’s the cost of your home and the square footage? That pile of unsold stuff costs you £X in space each month. You’ll never get back what you paid for items, but you can get instant tidiness by just taking those piles to the charity shop/donation bank/recycling. Aaaaand….gone!

For spares or toiletries, cleaning products, and things, how easy are they to replace quickly? If you do a weekly shop as standard and live within 15 minutes or so of a supermarket, do you really need multiple bars of soap “in case”? How long would you have to be unwashed for before you could access the next bar?

I agree with the above. The cost of ease of life, space etc is a higher value than storing things ‘ just in case’ in almost all case.

case study:
I have two friends. Both bought identical 2 bed houses on a new build estate. They are really nice, and fairly spacious for a 2 bed.

Years on, 1 is super cluttered, and is worried about space, is putting off having child due to space, wants to work from home a few days but no space. She says they don’t invite family over as no space to sit or host. So her life is effectively on hold and not as easy as it could be. But she can’t get rid of ‘stuff’.

The other, has a 3 year old. Has sorted a space at end of upstairs hall as ‘office’. Nifty storage, and just doesn’t buy much. Things outgrown from child get boxed into loft or donated as soon as outgrown. They always host events, and other friend in identical house and partner often visit and comment they wish they had the space to have people over etc..

But they have the same house. It’s just clutter v no clutter.

@hotfroth what happens to the stuff in the baskets? I worry in our house they would just fill up with junk and no one would ever empty them.

I tried this, each person had storage crate, but the crate gets full and taken away to be sorted out (usually into a bedroom), never to be seen again. So I get another crate eventually and the saga begins again, then we have multiple crates full of random shit. We are hopeless cases.

It's not 27 of a single item. In my bedroom, it might be:

3 crumpled tissues under the bed
2 worn out slippers I never wear since getting new ones for Christmas
1 ancient handcream tube with a bit left in it
2 dried up nail varnish bottles
2 jokey poundstore things my DSis gave me for Christmas years ago which I never even opened but didn't chuck away because they were a present
1 broken necklace I will never mend
7 odd or worn out socks
2 leaky biros
2 old magazines
3 old medical letters stuffedin a drawer
1 pair of glasses that are scratched, screw missing and wrong prescription
1 empty medicine bottle

= 27 things.

This times 100. 👍
I love A Slob Comes Clean's pragmatism.

I've just done a massive declutter upstairs because I have had it redecorated, new carpets and new furniture. Had a 3 week schedule to work to, with carpets booked after decorator, then new furniture.

It was horrifying how much crap we had. Me and dh, plus dd (18) and ds (8). We have binned and donated an obscene amount of stuff. Clothes, toys, electrical shit, toiletries we would never use blah blah blah.

Pretend the decorating is being done. I found emptying the room first, then deciding if it was worth actually putting away worked best. Probably 60% of what we had wasn't worth putting away. I'm sorting the kitchen and living room next. 1 drawer or cupboard at a time. Will empty then decide if it's worth putting away again.