We are messy people. Help me to change!

[WhereAreWeNow]

Just that really! Our house is a tip.

DH has ADHD which means he's a hoarder and quite scatty and messy. He does a bit but he doesn't pull his weight.

DD (13) has about 5 billion books and finds it hard letting go of her old things (toys and books) and she does sod all to help around the house.

I have too much stuff (clothes and shoes) and the house is quite small. I work full time and do nearly all of the cooking, cleaning, food shopping etc. But I'm really not on top of the cleaning bit. Or the cooking actually but that's another story!

So the house is cluttered and messy and therefore also a bit dirty because it's impossible to clean properly when there's so much stuff everywhere.

It's really getting me down. It feels a bit overwhelming and impossible. I've been reading up on TOMM and I've told DH and DD we're going to try it.

Can anyone please hold my hand/give me a good talking to and tell me:
—Where to begin tackling the mountains of clutter?
—How to get DD and DH to do their bit?

Thanks!

DH and I Talked in marriage prep about how we wanted things to be at home which was helpful as we realised we both had different systems.
DH likes to spend a whole morning doing the house whereas I do little and often. We both agreed not to leave something in a room when it needs to be in a different room, and both agreed to respect the way the other way tidies.

I put away ten things in one go. I then either stop or do the next ten. DH does one room at a time once a week. Washing up must be done before bedtime and we both have a pigeon hole for things like sunglasses, repeat prescription sheets, chargers etc.

see, I don't 'get' this. What sort of things do people have, that they can just find 27 things they don't need?

i'm the opposite. I could spend several weeks throwing out 27 things a day. The fact I haven't, is the reason I'm in the mess I am today!

Is your husband on meds? I have ADHD and before my diagnosis my husband did 90% of the cleaning. Now I’m medicated I am able to contribute equally.

Does your daughter avoid the house work as she has ADHD too? Girls generally go undiagnosed as they do not fit the stereotypical view of what ADHD looks like.

@MarshaMelrose I appreciate that owing to MN eating my post, my situation is unclear & it might come across as me living in a calm, clutter free mansion, unfortunately I don't 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't buy much (no piles of clothes with tags) I don't have a kitchen full of mouldy food or eleventy billion cats.pooping everywhere.

I do have lots of journals, notebooks, with my musings in them, photos, & 'stuff' (books/wool) etc

Could /Would you tell me what kind of things YOU 'throw away' as I can't think/see 27 things I could throw away. I can see 27 things I could take to a charity shop, but then I'd need to replace them! (Wool for blankets I knit for charity, pencils I draw with). Spare toner for the printer, spare batteries, lightbulbs. It all takes up too much space, but it's not rubbish!

I was also going to recommend A Slob Comes Clean because I think she also has ADHD.

I have ADHD and things like scissors bother me because when I have a clear out I find dozens of pairs of scissors, but I can never find a pair when I need them. So, I end up buying more scissors and this is how the problem spirals because it's not just scissors but everything, tape, pens, wrapping paper, socks, envelopes, everything!

Things that help me!

1. I have mentally split the house into 6 areas and I try to focus on one area per day (I don't clean on Saturdays). So, Mondays are stairs, hallway and bathrooms. I don't have to completely clean all these every Monday, but I at least try and do some and it reminds me that the toilet needs cleaning or I should clean the bath.
2. You can do so much in just 10 minutes. Set that timer!
3. Daily tasks like loading/unloading the dishwasher, emptying bins etc. save my sanity.
4. It doesn't have to be perfect! Just doing a little bit here and there makes things a lot better.

I love this video about the container concept by the way. I suggest you all watch it together.

You can't keep up until you have caught up.
This requires an assessment of how much time it will take to blitz the whole house and what storage solutions you require.

Take the time to sort the house room by room.
You will all need to be on board and realistic. Lots of bin bags and storage boxes to the ready.

Good luck.

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Ah, ok. I might have misjudged that. I think the poster said, 'throw out' which I took to mean get rid of.

But here's a taster:
pans - handles loose, burnt bottoms (I'm a terrible cook)
tupperware with no lids
diy tools that dont hold a charge
chipped and mismatched crockery...
...and flipping mugs (are they breeding in there?)
the contents of my fridge
the two kitchen drawers which have those bits you found but don't know what they are
electronic appliances - why did i ever feel i needed the?
wrapping ribbon and bows = now taking up 3 drawers of my sideboard
glassware - why have I bought it? My table only seats 6. Why do i keep buying new sets.
vases
the drawer full of cables. I don't even know what they're for.
gym weights - i never exercise and if I did, I fear these days they'd kill me.
hamster paraphernalia - not the acge but all his little knick knacks 😥
clothes
clothes
shoes
clothes
shoes
clothes
slothes
bedding
and clothes
makeup
toiletries - half used, some not opened but old.
old towels
And books.

And that's just the start. I can't remember, did I mention clothes?

Urgh! This is a thread I everyone in my house needs!

Every time I look up how up tips how to get housework done if you're adhd (I think all 4 of us adults might be, dd definitely is) it seems advice is "be kind to yourself!" Yes but I still not to get it done. Communal living areas get done frequently but everything else (bedrooms, cupboards, drawers etc) don't. I go to bed and wake up filled with good intentions but get so easily distracted/bored/uninterested so fast. Lockdown with cev person has not helped our tidiness.

I find I pick a room to tidy but then think "ooh no! Maybe I should do that other one instead" 🤯

Sorry needed to let off steam.

I put stuff in bags and then just leave them and forget what I put in there.

I also keep thinking "one day, when I'm a tidy person" who am I kidding? 😟

Marking place. I'm the ADHD diagnosed one. Clutter is my absolute nemesis.

another big recommendation for a slob comes clean, her advice has really helped me move forward with my decluttering.

Alongside the container video up thread, 2 that helped me are her explanation of how to declutter without making even more mess

and how to make progress when you feel completely overwhelmed

I was a bugger for sorting things into piles (e.g. things to go to the charity shop), only for the piles to sit where I'd made them for absolutely aaaaaages before anything happened to them. Since I've started acting on her 'take it there now' rule I'm getting much better at not doing this and I'm and seeing progress far more quickly.

I often have one of her videos on in the background like a podcast as I'm decluttering to help keep me moving forward

Nearly 3 years ago there was a plea for a housework group for those who were in a proper mess. Together, I joined a group of 6 other ladies and we started our journey. Today we are a band of 5. They are my closest allies and despite never meeting them they are my biggest confidantes and I couldn't do it without them. We have seen our children grow and our houses have changed over time.
Maybe start an accountability group? But they would have to be in a similar predicament to you.

😂 Brilliant. I constantly do this with my pre-schooler's artwork (which she produces pages and pages of daily) but I worry it won't work when she's older. I don't think she's ever once looked for something.

My stay daughter is ruthless, it’s an education watching her, if she doesn’t want or need it any more it’s gone.

watching my brother when clearing out my mums house was an education, my sister and I were looking over stuff, deciding who to have what…he selected some things of actual or sentimental value for us. Then rest in car and off to hospice warehouse.

I realised that just getting stuff out the house was really liberating.

I also thought I don’t want when I die someone going through my stuff thinking wtf?

This is really lovely 😊

@SafariPark

I think you have just changed my life, and that of about half dozen people I know. This is amazing!

With Anglo doorstep I mean. The cleaner I already have.. but I think this might change her life too with the piles of random she had to work round

I have ADHD and OCD - my advice is to sit with your daughter to help her make decisions. I am not sure how to do things - ADHD part of my brain - I have a degree so its not that I am stupid just executive function problems. I get someone to sit with me and we make decisions together. Try things that are easier first like putting her books into different piles so they don't feel so overwhelming to her and she might be able to spot books she doesn't care so much about.
Also buy her a kindle and say if she really wants a book she has given away down the track she can buy it electronically - she will forget.

I like the Dana K White stuff - her rules are really simple and I like her response to my ADHD brain.

1. Doesn't really matter what the method is, but you have to actually do it every day, and don't freak out if you miss a day, just start again. For this reason, pick a method that is really simple. (She has four habits but literally any method works, including one you invent yourself). The method won't clean your house. YOU have to clean your house.
2. Everyone has a "clutter threshold" - an amount of stuff that they can handle. Be ruthless at getting down to this. You'll know when you get there. (Apparently. I'm not there yet.)
3. Donate box. Have a box that you fill with things that can be donated. When it's full take it to the nearest charity shop and leave the whole box there, including the box. (Similar to the charity pick up idea!)
4. Visibility rule - start with the most visible area, always.
5. Take it there Right Now - when tidying, don't assemble piles/boxes for other rooms, but physically use your feet to take the thing back to its place.

There are lots of other tips and explanations in her books, videos, podcasts, but I in general really rate her for an ADHD friendly approach. "Never leave a room empty handed" is too stressful and doesn't work for me, but "take it there right now" does - I think because previously I would get distracted and the pile/box doesn't actually become not-clutter. If I've put it away, then it has become not-clutter, even if I've got less done in the room in the first place.

My aunt was downsizing after her husband died. She had a skip delivered to get rid of a load of stuff. Her son came home to help her as she tried to figure out what she should keep or throw. He picked up a handbag and said, "Skip now, or when you die?" 😂😂 Brutal. But it really focused her mind. I was at my sisters helping her clear out the loft and we used the phrase quite a lot. It's very effective.

De clutter and clean. Tidy up every day as you go. There is no magic formula the only difference between tidy people and messy people is the tidy ones just crack on and do it.

Get a big IKEA bag or box and start ditching stuff you don't need and go to the charity shop.

Yep, I do the same, someone will have to clear my house when I'm gone and I don't want to have ds doing it when he's grieving. I've done it for my grandparents and it took forever.

I find my house totally overwhelming.

Too much stuff
Large, spread out house
Wasn't brought up in a tidy house so it doesn't come naturally
3 young children
1 very messy husband who doesn't really do much around the house 😏

Really the final one is the problem and it's something I'll never solve

I have the same issue with my family and I find doing a car booty and splitting the profits is a good incentive. Start with the easy things like outgrown clothes & shoes & either stick on vinted, donate or car boot.

Clear rubbish and recycling things first as then it's easy to see what you've got left. Then get rid of duplicates by selling, donating or leaving it on your drive way with a help yourself note.