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Housekeeping

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Original poster

Feel so embarrassed about our house

110 replies

Whatinthe · 03/05/2022 12:07

Last week my kids had some friends over to play and one of the girls kept commenting on how messy our house was. She's lovely and it was just observations rather than her being rude and I laughed it off with her. Thing is, it really upset me and I felt so ashamed that our house was noticeably messy to an 8 year old. I had spent the whole day tidying their rooms and doing the housework but the sides were all cluttered and, whilst much better than it had been, she was right, our house is messy. We've been through a lot healthwise and are both struggling with stress and anxiety...and I'd say it shows in the state of our house. It's not dangerous or dirty but clearly messier than other people's homes.

My kids have another play date tomorrow and I'm dreading it- i have today to get the house sorted but just feel embarrassed for my kids that I can't keep up with the house and their friends can notice that.

Urgh just wanted to vent somewhere and hope I'll find I'm not alone. I feel I know the theory to sorting this out but we just keep falling back into things being a mess.

OP posts:
HollysBush · 03/05/2022 12:13

I felt like this, but actually, we were the go to house when mine were teenagers. I think the relaxed atmosphere was more welcoming for their friends who were all lovely. Both mine are in their twenties and have lovely partners who stay over regularly so it hasn’t affected this aspect of their life. I just don’t seam to be able to keep on top of the clutter but as long as bathrooms are clean, room to sit down and prepare food safely try not to stress too much.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 03/05/2022 12:13

Now you see I worry about an 8 year old child that notices that.

cdba88 · 03/05/2022 12:14

That's so tough! I think the child was rude. Even if you think she was right, I knew by 8 years old that that's a rude thing to say as a guest.

The only real way to avoid this is to declutter, tidy up and clean more often. It's easier said than done.

I'm not naturally a very clean and tidy kind of person and my house isn't 'guest ready' unless I know I have guests coming. However it would only take a quick 15/20 min whip around to make it so.

Could you get your house to a similar state? Not perfect all the time but with the ability to make it acceptable in a fairly short amount of time

SalsaLove · 03/05/2022 12:17

Just remember that you’re doing the best that you can do right now. And the girl was rude, whether or not she was telling the truth.

jytdtysrht · 03/05/2022 12:18

An 8 year old knows that is rude and definitely shouldn't have said it.

Don't feel embarrassed about it. Your kids are loved and happy. Sort the house out one room at a time.

Ribb · 03/05/2022 12:19

I didn't want to read and not comment. You mentioned having stress and anxiety so try not to be too hard on yourself or run yourself into the ground.
If it's just the clutter on the surfaces do you have somewhere you can chuck it for the playdate and then work through it in slower time?
You may need a but of a declutter anyway and I know there are threads for this.
Im probably at the opposite from you and friends have commented on the tidiness but not always in positive terms. So I reckon some mess is okay and you shouldn't worry too much. Easier said than done. You have a home the kids want to play in which is great!

carefullycourageous · 03/05/2022 12:24

Very odd that an 8 year old would a) notice and b) comment.

I don't think you need to be embarrassed about your house. Is your house hygienic - is your kitchen clean for example? That is all that matters. Having stuff on the side is neither here nor there.

What you maybe need to do is develop the swagger I learnt from some ultra-MC friends of my parents - waftily declare oh, I don't have time for things like tidying, we are too busy having a good time a little like Patsy from AbFab but less pissed.

My house is clutter-free but decidedly unstylish. People can take us as we are.

HappyCup · 03/05/2022 12:27

As well as making housework easier I imagine having a lot less clutter would help your stress levels? There are some really good decluttering threads on here that would probably help.

Managing your physical and mental health is obviously important though. Be kind to yourself and only do as much as you can manage.

Cheericat · 03/05/2022 12:28

Having a messy house doesn't make you morally inferior to anyone else, and having a tidy house doesn't make you morally superior to anyone else. I'd say those are the first things to remind yourself about. You can say to anyone (including 8 year olds) yes, everyone lives differently and that's ok.

Basic hygiene is important, but everything else is optional. You're doing other valuable things with your time instead. Honestly, just try not to worry about it Flowers

confusedlots · 03/05/2022 12:29

This is totally the same as my house. I just can't get on top of it, no matter how much I try. Over the past few months I've come to the realisation that I probably have ADHD, and it actually makes me feel a bit better that other people with ADHD struggle with keeping their houses tidy just like me, rather than comparing myself with friends who have really tidy houses as that just makes me feel worse.

ClaireEclair · 03/05/2022 12:50

I grew up in a very tidy and clean house and I went to visit a friend who lived with her grandmother as her parents were having problems. The house was messy and cluttered but I loved it as it was so cosy and welcoming and that totally stayed with me. Have always wanted a similar kind of house. Maybe the little girl is from a house that is insanely tidy and clean? My sisters house sounds much like yours. She’s a single parent with a full time job and doesn’t have time to constantly tidy up. There are other things going on and more important things than a tidy home.

MollyQueenOfSocks · 03/05/2022 12:53

I know this gets bandied about a lot but a cleaner once a week has absolutely saved our sanity. Same as you OP I struggled to keep things tidy (ADHD plays a massive part) and it was killing any enjoyment of my house. Kids couldn't have friends over and id never invite anyone to mine.

Once a week, 2-4 hours has changed my life nd enabled me ti relax and the kids to have a social life without me having a panic attack if anyone wants to come over (I genuinely used to sob).

Bluetrews25 · 03/05/2022 12:54

Have you seen inside the 8yo's house?
Is it a sterile, OCD-cleaned box?
Surely only an 8yo from that type of home would notice clutter?

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 03/05/2022 13:05

We had the same at the weekend, DDs friends came in and one of them said a couple of times that it was a bit messy. She's right, it is, we have a lot of stuff. It's clean as in floors mopped and hoovered, surfaces wiped, toilet bleached etc but there's just stuff everywhere.

I do think that their home is Uber tidy though because when they were upstairs playing in DDs room this little girl took the time to hang up the small pile of clean washing I'd put on the bed for DD to put away at bedtime. That struck me as a child who is very aware of being very tidy at all times.

basilsbrush · 03/05/2022 13:14

When I was growing up and at friends houses, I often thought the were messy (I never vocalised it)

In retrospect, they weren't. Not really. They were homes that were lived in and my mum was just a neat freak who coped with life and stress by cleaning obsessively.

Homes are to be lived in and enjoyed. Mess or clutter will still be there tomorrow. As long as you're not living in actual dirt, catch up when you can.

SuziSecondLaw · 03/05/2022 13:17

Sounds to me like a clutter issue. Nothing like too much 'stuff' to make a house look a mess. Have a big clear out when you feel up to it. Buy some storage cupboards or boxes etc if you can afford it, so you can stash things away. Job done. Also 8 year olds have no filter 😂

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 03/05/2022 13:23

Hmm I was the child in this scenario and I was very embarrassed of my house and on the rare occasion I had people over I had a few people comment on it to me.

I am not a clean freak by any means but I always try and make sure our house is tidy and clean for my son and visitors as don’t want him to ever feel the same.

Pancakesbeforesunset · 03/05/2022 13:24

You'll feel better if you get it cleaned, not just because of what other people think but because it's nice to live in a non cluttered comfortable clean space

Chewbecca · 03/05/2022 13:47

I feel quite sorry for the 8yo.

I wouldn't be surprised if she comes from an immaculate home where there is a cleaning obsession.

londonmummy1966 · 03/05/2022 13:53

I was like this a year ago and joined the decluttering thread on here where people often just try to declutter one thing a day or pick a very small area. My house is a lot better for it and also I ow know where things go so they don't just get put down and left. Makes my life easier too. why not pop over and have a look/join us.

Williamshatnershorses · 03/05/2022 13:58

confusedlots · 03/05/2022 12:29

This is totally the same as my house. I just can't get on top of it, no matter how much I try. Over the past few months I've come to the realisation that I probably have ADHD, and it actually makes me feel a bit better that other people with ADHD struggle with keeping their houses tidy just like me, rather than comparing myself with friends who have really tidy houses as that just makes me feel worse.

I’m the same @confusedlots and the realisation has helped me a bit because now I know if I stop halfway through something and wander off because I’ve lost focus or been distracted , I can recognise what I’m doing, challenge myself and essentially say ‘look, you’ve not finished that’ and I go back and do it. So I am much better now at keeping on top of things. Still not brilliant, but noticeably better, which is a start.

HollysBush · 03/05/2022 16:33

ClaireEclair, that reminds me of what my best friend used to say when she came round mine when we were children. Her mum was OTT clean, hoovering at 6am and mine was a proper hoarder, but my friend used to say she liked coming to mine as it was so much more interesting then her house.

Original poster
Whatinthe · 04/05/2022 06:59

Wow, thank you everyone. Sorry I didn't reply sooner. You're all so lovely, and reminded me of what actually matters...thanks. I have always wanted our home to be open to everyone - my house growing up was where all my friends met up and I'd love that for my kids. I just got so stressed by the fact that a child noticed the mess because this was after a whole day of tidying, I really don't want my kids to be embarrassed of our home. I haven't been inside her house though so you're right, it could be ultra tidy.

I don't want our home to be spotless (highly unrealistic for me anyway!) but would definitely love to feel like I don't need a whole day of manic tidying in order to make it presentable. So interesting that ADHD was mentioned a few times as over this last year I've come to realise that I very likely have ADHD...which could explain a lot about our house.

I think what frustrates me is that I know all the theory - that I need to declutter, put a good routine in etc but I just can't seem to stick with them. I worry that it's not helpful for our kids in setting them up with good habits as they are also super messy.

I will pop along to the declutter thread because it sounds like it might help. Thank you for listening and being so lovely!

OP posts:
MushMonster · 04/05/2022 07:08

No worries OP.
A warm home is better than a tidy home!
In the meantime it is clean that is what matters.
Defenitively do de-cluttering! Mine is still a mess (clothes drying everywhere 😁) but it is so much easier to clean and tidy up. Really once the clothes are dry and put away, it is quite tidy.
You will be surprised of the amount of stuff that you have, do not need and is just there, bothering you.
Tidying my wardrobes was a big difference to me! And investing in storage in the bedrooms, as built ins.

Hedonism · 04/05/2022 07:23

A friend of ds did this to me, when he first came round to play, age 6/7. He walked in and said 'what have you been doing in here?' !

I assumed that his house must be one of those super tidy ones. A few years on, I know the family quite well now, and would say that their house is on pretty much the same level of tidiness as ours. Kids are just weird sometimes.

That comment did stay with me though. Recently ds (now 12) had a few friends round and I apologised for the clutter 😳 one of the girls said she liked our house better than hers because her mum was always fussing about mess.