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Housekeeping

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Original poster

Feel so embarrassed about our house

110 replies

Whatinthe · 03/05/2022 12:07

Last week my kids had some friends over to play and one of the girls kept commenting on how messy our house was. She's lovely and it was just observations rather than her being rude and I laughed it off with her. Thing is, it really upset me and I felt so ashamed that our house was noticeably messy to an 8 year old. I had spent the whole day tidying their rooms and doing the housework but the sides were all cluttered and, whilst much better than it had been, she was right, our house is messy. We've been through a lot healthwise and are both struggling with stress and anxiety...and I'd say it shows in the state of our house. It's not dangerous or dirty but clearly messier than other people's homes.

My kids have another play date tomorrow and I'm dreading it- i have today to get the house sorted but just feel embarrassed for my kids that I can't keep up with the house and their friends can notice that.

Urgh just wanted to vent somewhere and hope I'll find I'm not alone. I feel I know the theory to sorting this out but we just keep falling back into things being a mess.

OP posts:
Indoctro · 04/05/2022 07:41

I'd try and sort it out, I grew up in a messy house and when other kids noticed they took the mick out of me at school and it was hurtful

Kids can be cruel I would stop play dates or make it my mission to sort the house out.

Indoctro · 04/05/2022 07:46

Oh on the Adhd issue, I have a diagnosis of adhd and my house is very tidy but the only way I can keep it like this is to do it every single day, if I leave something for a day or two then it builds up and becomes a mountain issue to Me

This means I have to wash clothes and dry then and put away immediately that day every single day

I have to go round and wipe clean all the bathrooms etc

If I leave stuff that's when I find it doesn't get done. It's like Groundhog Day cleaning every day but it's the only way I found to help keep things in order.

GraceandMolly · 04/05/2022 07:50

This is a weird comment from an 8 year old, they must be living in a super tidy house where parents ask them to put everything away immediately.

When I visited my best friends house as a kid up to teenage years, I always adored how cozy their house was, how many toys they had and how chatty their parents were. In hindsight it was very cluttered, kitchen table covered with magazines/ books, boxes of stuff, that extra bit of furniture, some things to repair etc. I loved that house and wouldnt think to make a comment about it.

Be friendly to your kids friends and they’ll love their playdate.

VintageGibbon · 04/05/2022 07:54

Our house is messy and it really gets me down. I grew up in a really chaotic house and DH grew up in a show home. I find it hard to believe that he loves the mess but he does. He sees it as a sign of life going on, of being relaxed and busy and happy. I see it as creeping chaos and a sign of poor mental health!

OP I'd just Flylady Room Rescue three key areas: hall (first impressions), room where they play and kitchen where they have tea. Make sure surfaces are clear, either by doing rapid chuck outs or shoving things in temporary boxes. A few wiped and polished empty surfaces are so good for the soul.

NoSquirrels · 04/05/2022 07:57

Whatinthe · 04/05/2022 06:59

Wow, thank you everyone. Sorry I didn't reply sooner. You're all so lovely, and reminded me of what actually matters...thanks. I have always wanted our home to be open to everyone - my house growing up was where all my friends met up and I'd love that for my kids. I just got so stressed by the fact that a child noticed the mess because this was after a whole day of tidying, I really don't want my kids to be embarrassed of our home. I haven't been inside her house though so you're right, it could be ultra tidy.

I don't want our home to be spotless (highly unrealistic for me anyway!) but would definitely love to feel like I don't need a whole day of manic tidying in order to make it presentable. So interesting that ADHD was mentioned a few times as over this last year I've come to realise that I very likely have ADHD...which could explain a lot about our house.

I think what frustrates me is that I know all the theory - that I need to declutter, put a good routine in etc but I just can't seem to stick with them. I worry that it's not helpful for our kids in setting them up with good habits as they are also super messy.

I will pop along to the declutter thread because it sounds like it might help. Thank you for listening and being so lovely!

I’m forever recommending the A Slob Comes Clean podcast - excellent strategies for ADHD-type brains, and she has a very comforting voice and manner. Start at the beginning - there’s books too.

Looneytune253 · 04/05/2022 08:00

To be fair, is is actually messy? I would imagine the answer is no to this question but this poor kid lives in a show home if they're noticing a small amount of mess. If you think it is actually messy then break it down into stages and get on top of it once and for all

Mellowyellow222 · 04/05/2022 08:10

I remember going to a really messy house in primary school. The kids bedrooms has all the toys on the floor so you couldn’t see the carpets.

the only reason I remember is a boy in my class said it looked like a bomb had hit the house and for some reason that image stayed with me!

we had great fun and her mum ordered fish and chips for tea.

I told my mum how messy it was on the way home and she told me off!!! It was a lovely day with a lovely family. Mess wasn’t a bad thing.

Calmdown14 · 04/05/2022 08:11

She perhaps lives in a bigger house where clutter is a lot less noticeable. Too far the other way isn't welcoming either.

That said, if you've spent a whole day on it and it doesn't look spotless then something is wrong.
Thinning out and decluttering can be very therapeutic once you push through it. You need the whole family on board to help though.

Try and have places things live. The two best things I did were to get rid of the ironing basket (I don't iron. It comes off the line and I hang it straight up or put away. If I can't do it immediately I chuck it all on my bed so it doesn't crease and I'm forced to deal with it before sleeping! If it's something like a shirt I still hang it to be ironed when required - but they are rarely worn in our house!)

I also bought a small cardboard drawer set for letters. The stuff you need to keep but hate sorting and leave on the side. It lives in the cupboard and I chuck everything in it so can be found if necessary but doesn't require putting away as such. It needs sorted every couple of years but that's all

lollipoprainbow · 04/05/2022 08:12

How rude of her. I had similar with a play date, the girl said how small our house was and then looked in the fridge and said we didn't have much food. She wasn't invited again !! Oh yes and she jumped on our sofas as she said she wasn't allowed to do it at home Angry

SpaceJamtart · 04/05/2022 08:13

I am one of many siblings so even when our house was clean it was never that tidy or free of clutter, but I didnt like going to my friends house as her mum kept it so clean. As nice as the mum was it always felt like I was intruding on their clean white house. She would hoover under our chairs as we ate dinner, my friend wasn't allowed paint or felt tips in the house in case she made a mess and the only thing anyone could drink in the house was water in case you spilt it. Playing over there felt like a job interview. Much prefered my normal house.

User0610134049 · 04/05/2022 08:13

I’ve had my kids friends who have commented on our car and house being messy. And when they’re old enough to know it’s rude. With the the car I’ve half joked whether they’d like to get out and walk?
and with the house asked if they’re offering to tidy it for me

ReadyToMoveIt · 04/05/2022 08:14

Iwantmyoldnameback · 03/05/2022 12:13

Now you see I worry about an 8 year old child that notices that.

My 8 year old would certainly notice if a house was messy, she’s observant. She would know it was rude to mention it though.

ReadyToMoveIt · 04/05/2022 08:16

SpaceJamtart · 04/05/2022 08:13

I am one of many siblings so even when our house was clean it was never that tidy or free of clutter, but I didnt like going to my friends house as her mum kept it so clean. As nice as the mum was it always felt like I was intruding on their clean white house. She would hoover under our chairs as we ate dinner, my friend wasn't allowed paint or felt tips in the house in case she made a mess and the only thing anyone could drink in the house was water in case you spilt it. Playing over there felt like a job interview. Much prefered my normal house.

There’s obviously a middle ground though. My house is clean and tidy but I wouldn’t behave like your friend’s parents. My children are allowed to make mess/get all their toys out/do crafts, drawing, painting etc, they just tidy up after themselves when they’ve finished.

Bouledeneige · 04/05/2022 08:23

Yeah it was a little rude for her to say it. But you never know she might have one of those neurotic Mums who only cleans and tidies and doesn't really let the kids have fun and make a mess. My house was a fun but sometimes messy house. I think the secret is storage solutions actually not necessarily more cleaning but when kids are six toys just can be a bit of a lot.

Give yourself a break. I remember saying to my Mum once something about you must think I'm bad as my house is a bit messy and she said I'm sure you've got your priorities right. And I did. My house was the fun house.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/05/2022 08:23

Just do your best, and don't worry beyond that.

I was in and out of all the houses on our estate - some were pristine, some were chaotic, I really didn't care. The only thing I slightly minded was a smell, which would either be dogs or cigarettes-and-glade. I remember all the houses fondly in all their 1980s woodchip glory, and I think it is really important for children to be able to relax and share their homes with their friends.

stealthninjamum · 04/05/2022 08:24

Op, I’m on the declutter thread too and my house is considerably better than it used to be. Decluttering can be overwhelming at the beginning. Why don’t you start with your hallway and set a timer? Spend 5 or 10 minutes a day decluttering until the surfaces are clear. Then move through other rooms that guests would see. I often found that if I aimed to do 5 minutes a day I’d get carried away and spend half an hour. You might find that as part of clearing surfaces you start going through cupboards. Then you can move onto the rooms / areas guests don’t see.

Some of us have enjoyed an app called ‘Toss’ which sets you a random area a day to declutter. I used it during one of the lockdowns, as sometimes I didn’t know where to start.

Georgeskitchen · 04/05/2022 08:24

My childhood home, although kept clean, was a bit threadbare.
Second hand furniture etc. Parents didn't have the money for "posh" stuff. My friend next doors Parents were a bit better off than us, so had nicer stuff. My friend however, spent most of her childhood at our house as she was barely able to breathe at home in case she made a mess of the "nice stuff "
Pretty sure there's a moral to this story!!!😁😁

TheLadyDIdGood · 04/05/2022 08:24

Mine is messy and I do struggle to keep it tidy because my oh has hoarding tendencies. It's clean but can be cluttered because of multiple things on surfaces.

I've managed to control it recently by ruthlessly donating to charity & then buying storage for the rest. I've also bought really nice home decor & warned dh that it MUST NOT BE BURIED UNDER SHIT! So far it's worked especially as we're selling our house so it has to be show home ready for viewings.

Go round with 3 boxes, 1 for charity, 1 for rubbish and the last box for items to keep. Then sort the items into appropriate boxes and then dispose/sore and donate as appropriate. I do this weekly and it's really helped trim down our stuff.

Whooshaagh · 04/05/2022 08:27

My df’s son lives in a messy house.
At 8 years old he still commented on a ndn’s house being a bit messy.
Nothing to do with living in a pristine home himself.
He got told off though.

I agree with decluttering, the only things you can’t have too much of are books imo.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 04/05/2022 08:35

Some of you are being very mean about an 8yo, children will say it as they see it and it’s pretty pathetic if grown ups can’t cope with that.

Maybe the OPs house is like hoarders from hell?

filo443 · 04/05/2022 08:37

how messy is messy OP? I always tidy and clean before the children's friends come round. Teenagers can be mean and it's not fair for them to be embarrassed or teased for it. To be honest it's a good thing as it resets the house to a decent standard. Have a bloody good clear out and it will be easier.

Original poster
Whatinthe · 04/05/2022 09:15

50ShadesOfCatholic · 04/05/2022 08:35

Some of you are being very mean about an 8yo, children will say it as they see it and it’s pretty pathetic if grown ups can’t cope with that.

Maybe the OPs house is like hoarders from hell?

I hold nothing against my dds friend for her comments- she was just saying what she saw and to be honest it was said in wonder 😂I just felt stressed by it. She is a lovely girl. I remember my eldest, when she was 4, telling someone their house was really small. It was just an observation (and it was only a little smaller than ours), as adults we put negativity with those observations. However I did tell her we don't comment on other people's houses!

It was mostly just that surfaces were cluttered but the floor was clear and it was clean. I really need to get it to a stage where I don't have to clean all day to get it to that level though - jobs just pile up and then I feel overwhelmed by them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatinthe · 04/05/2022 09:16

50ShadesOfCatholic · 04/05/2022 08:35

Some of you are being very mean about an 8yo, children will say it as they see it and it’s pretty pathetic if grown ups can’t cope with that.

Maybe the OPs house is like hoarders from hell?

I hold nothing against my dds friend for her comments- she was just saying what she saw and to be honest it was said in wonder 😂I just felt stressed by it. She is a lovely girl. I remember my eldest, when she was 4, telling someone their house was really small. It was just an observation (and it was only a little smaller than ours), as adults we put negativity with those observations. However I did tell her we don't comment on other people's houses!

It was mostly just that surfaces were cluttered but the floor was clear and it was clean. I really need to get it to a stage where I don't have to clean all day to get it to that level though - jobs just pile up and then I feel overwhelmed by them.

OP posts:
timestheyarechanging · 04/05/2022 10:03

Don't beat yourself up about it.
I grew up in a show home. Mum was up at 5am to clean the already pristine house, top to bottom. Used to remove my bedding when I was still in it as a teen! Irons tea towels. Is disgusted by the fact I don't iron fitted sheets!
My sister is the same. I'm not. Mine is clean and tidy but nowhere near the standard of theirs.
She's 75 and washing all the windows today as they haven't been done in a month.
I don't care, my kids were comfortable and i had an open house with regards to friends. They've left home now and have very clean and tidy homes.
My late Mil house was messy and a bit dirty but it never bothered me.

timestheyarechanging · 04/05/2022 10:04

Don't beat yourself up about it.
I grew up in a show home. Mum was up at 5am to clean the already pristine house, top to bottom. Used to remove my bedding when I was still in it as a teen! Irons tea towels. Is disgusted by the fact I don't iron fitted sheets!
My sister is the same. I'm not. Mine is clean and tidy but nowhere near the standard of theirs.
She's 75 and washing all the windows today as they haven't been done in a month.
I don't care, my kids were comfortable and i had an open house with regards to friends. They've left home now and have very clean and tidy homes.
My late Mil house was messy and a bit dirty but it never bothered me.