Feel so embarrassed about our house

[Whatinthe]

Last week my kids had some friends over to play and one of the girls kept commenting on how messy our house was. She's lovely and it was just observations rather than her being rude and I laughed it off with her. Thing is, it really upset me and I felt so ashamed that our house was noticeably messy to an 8 year old. I had spent the whole day tidying their rooms and doing the housework but the sides were all cluttered and, whilst much better than it had been, she was right, our house is messy. We've been through a lot healthwise and are both struggling with stress and anxiety...and I'd say it shows in the state of our house. It's not dangerous or dirty but clearly messier than other people's homes.

My kids have another play date tomorrow and I'm dreading it- i have today to get the house sorted but just feel embarrassed for my kids that I can't keep up with the house and their friends can notice that.

Urgh just wanted to vent somewhere and hope I'll find I'm not alone. I feel I know the theory to sorting this out but we just keep falling back into things being a mess.

Try not to overthink what she said, like you said your home is safe and clean. If you do decide to declutter (for your own reasons, don't let the 8 year old friend decide it for you) the books by The Minimalists are very useful. You don't have to take it as far as they have, but they give good advice on how to go about things.

Could you try to declutter one or two items a day. After a couple of weeks there is a noticeable difference. I started doing this as I felt we had to much stuff we really never used or needed. Also I do a one in one out policy. So for example if I buy a new roasting tray, the old one has to go. This has helped me hugely as before I used to keep old one too, just in case I might need it, but of course I won't as have new one. It is just breaking the habit.

My Mum used to be almost obsessed with cleaning. I went to visit once with 2 small children in tow and we arrived half an hour earlier than we had said we would. She was on a small ladder with a bowl of water with Flash in wiping off the top of the doors in the lounge. She was 80 and not in particularly good health. I was furious because she could have fallen off the ladder and hurt herself. She just said she could not relax knowing it had not been done. Don't become a slave to housework. Keep a healthy balance.

Send her round to have a butchers at my house it’s always messy. Clean, but messy. 3 female teenagers and myself = CHAOS!

And we’ve all got ADHD. She’d be horrified.

I have no problem with messy homes at all, but I hate visiting dirty ones. Two of my friends, both far more affluent than me and with more disposable time have potentially lovely homes, but they are dirty. Eating next to a dirty dog bowl on the table last week made me decide not to return again. I love them both, but I don't understand why you wouldnt just do the basics if you have invited someone over. Bleach the toilet, give the kitchen tops a wipe over and do the washing up. It doesn't take much effort.

Sorry this happened OP, you’re not alone. One of my DCs friends also commented how messy our house was (it was during a zoom call so I overheard 😡

What has lead you to self diagnose as adhd as such?

Exactly what I was thinking!!

First. Get the kids helping. You're teaching them vital life skills. At 8, they can tidy up after themselves, wash dishes, do dusting and hoovering (not all of those things, but they can choose one to do!) Honestly, it's one of the things I failed to do and my kids are suffering for it as adults, they find keeping their environment tidy really hard work, I wish I'd done better for them. Second - your house is a home. A family live there and families make mess. I know what you mean about messy around the edges, I'm looking at my own at the minute 😂

I did. I also noticed dirt and clutter from a young age. I never commented on it as realised it would be rude.
I also like things clean and tidy and have to try and relax when DD has a friend here/gets all her toys out and makes a huge mess.

I know a family that live in a show house. Not a thing out of place. No books. No tools. Nothing out of place. So sterile and odd. Enjoy your perceived mess. Its a home. X

What’s the problem op?

too much stuff?
no storage?
house too small for your needs?

I have inattentive adhd and clutter is a symptom. I suspect this child’s parents are over zealous with better by tidy hence the comments. You are assuming the child is being negative - they could just be surprised as they are used to very tidy. They might have enjoyed the more relaxed approach.

Outhouse is the messy one out of all my teens friends ( I think) but they all practically lived here last year as they like to chill here. I think many of the parents are so uptight they place more emphasis on a perfect house than their kids and their friends being able to relax in a home.

8 year olds sometimes need putting back in their box. One visited my house recently and asked for a napkin, I said I didn't have any so she asked for kitchen roll. When I said 'Sorry, I've run out how about some loo roll' her eyes nearly popped out of her head with judgement....'that would be disgusting, you should get some napkins!!'

Fully expecting a pile on now about what a slattern I am for not providing napkins for a kids pizza tea 😂

My point is 8 year olds can cast judgement with no understanding of the real life pressures you are under.

I get people are just trying to be supportive of the op and make her feel better by attacking the little girl, but the op is being clear it was said with no malice and in wonder and her house is cluttered. She isn’t asking for people to abuse the child to make her feel better about her house.

Op how about coming up with a plan, a rota, room by room, jobs to be done daily, to try to help you cope with keeping on top of it?

It was the same for me as well. My mum was untidy and wasn't meticulous about cleaning. It was bad enough that other children did comment on how messy our house was. I soon learned to clean and tidy up when I knew I was going to have friends round.

Our house looks lived in, but is always clean and reasonably tidy. It helps that I loathe clutter. It makes me feel claustrophobic.

I also dislike the implication that tidy people are over zealous, clinical, anal and don't spend enough time with their children.

It is entirely possible to do both. It only takes just a few minutes at the end of each day to put stuff away.

Look at The Organised Mum Method, there's a group on Facebook that full of great advice and support. It's basically about doing your housework little and often.

The only thing that bothers me when in someone else's house are getting dirty socks when does are off, obviously dirty bathroom and dirty food prep/eating surfaces. Beyond that clutter is just personal preference and human differences in how we live (personally I don't like it in my own home, but not an issue in someone else's).

If I'd done nothing to the house prior to her visit then I really don't think I would have been bothered by her observations - they were correct after all. I think it was more the knowledge that I had just spent hours trying to get the house to a good state and, even after that, it was still clearly messy. It has far more to do with me than her. Then the other day I was feeling stressed because I was back in the same position again. However the friend came over yesterday and no comments were made 😂 we now have people over for dinner tonight so at least its already in a better state than normal!

I think the problem is 3-fold- we have too much stuff, we don't have the right storage (we've been living in a temporary state for 2.5 years because we only expected to be in the house for a year...but then pandemic hit, so there aren't homes for everything, e.g.life admin is just out on an open shelf in a pile) and I get overwhelmed by things when they start to pile up. If I could stick to a daily routine then it would be transformative but I just don't seem to be able to and that fact stresses me out!

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I'm going to try to start small and will check out the recommended books and podcasts.

For the person asking about ADHD. I personally feel I likely have it because I find it hard to focus on one task, easily distracted and move between tasks (never finish one properly!), I find it hard to concentrate when things are unstructured or not pressurised, I find it hard to listen/process chat in noisy environment. I'm sure there's more but that's off the top of my head.

My eldest is 14 and I've had kids say a few rude things about our house over the years (which is actually clean and tidy). Mostly about it being an ex council house. That sort of comment has to come from the parents, a child wouldn't think about that.

The most recent on was when my 7yr old had a boy to play at the weekend and his first comment was 'I thought you said you'd got a better house since I was last here'. I felt like replying that his parents worked every hour god sends to afford their big flashy new build and I'd rather be there for my children but I didn't.

Don't take offence, unless people are offering to tidy up for you or in my case, buy me a supposedly better house, then I don't care what their opinions are.

I used to use a hoarders chart is to help my
son to keep his room tidy. Being autistic, he
absolutely loved it and used to beg me to grade his room ALL THE TIME 😂

www.stoppests.org/working-with-residents/help-with-housekeeping/strategies-to-help-residents-with-housekeeping/

it’s in the link above

I also used to write a list for him starting with pick up pants because he found cleaning overwhelms him

cleanliness Is so subjective. How messy are you actually? And what is the avtual
reason?

I’d say that my home is always tidy in most rooms but I have a big house plenty storage and the time and inclination to keep on top of it in most ways. It would be ridiculous if it were messy given all that. However this house had terrible storage when we moved in and was way harder to keep tidy.

Hi @Whatinthe honestly I had round the tidiest woman I know and I know she must have wanted to grab a lot and declutter but I'm doing it bit by bit. I don't have ppl round because of the 'mess' but there's pictures and certificates of what the kids have achieved and stuff like that I think makes it warm. It's not dirty it's just not tidy! I did look around yesterday and thought these kids don't play with half the toys we have so I'm going to give them all to charity (some around my ends still aren't excepting donations which has put me off!) You are doing the best you can and an 8 year old to say that I wouldn't worry x