It's July, Fledglings are Flying towards Freedom (hopefully!)

[EverythingDelegated]

Hello and welcome to the July 2021 Fledgling Flylady Thread. Thank you Willow for an excellent pair of June threads. Welcome to one and all, old hands and newbies, lurkers and longtime posters and anyone in between. This thread keeps us vaguely on track with Flylady and is where we post our Ta Das and Yes Ta Das (what we did yesterday 😁), our To Dos and To Didn'ts, and discuss anything that comes to mind (often not housekeeping!).

The beauty of Flylady is that you are never behind, the whole system repeats every month, just jump in wherever. The aim is to gradually get into good habits and regular routines that keep the house ticking over rather than having a huge blitz on it.

To help you with this I'll be posting links to Flyady's Flight Plan and other useful parts of the website, which is updated daily, it's also good to go in and have a browse (some of it is a bit twee though). Do NOT sign up for the emails, you will be inundated.

The system divides the house up into weekly zones, then in each zone there will be timefor decluttering, a small daily task (the Mission) and each day of the week has a theme too (eg Errand Day). You can switch things around to suit your circumstances, there is a weekly Sneak Peek page to help you plan ahead. There are also 31 Babysteps, small daily habits to adopt (eg wearing shoes around the house if you'd rather not). Finally Flylady wants you to make time for you and your family, so weekends are more relaxed.

Jargon
Flylady (and the thread!) has a little bit of her own peculiar jargon it can help to know:
S&S - swish and swipe - a quick go round a bathroom or cloakroom to keep it acceptably fresh
LoL load of laundry. We are not collapsing into hysterical laughter over the state of our washing baskets
Hotspots any areas that tend to collect clutter no matter how often you clear them - mine is definitely the corner of the worksurface by the kitchen door, and the bookshelf at the bottom of the stairs
5 minute room rescue a quick whizz round any room to create a semblance of order
Weekly Home Blessing (often Home Bleugh here) - an hour a week to keep the house acceptable. I think this can only be done in an hour if you only have one bed in the house to change, so take it with a pinch of salt. I spread mine over the week as I cannot get it down to an hour and don't have an hour to give to it either.
Ned and Ted - imaginary friends often draughted in to assist with washing and ironing
BRC Bag, or box, of Random Crap
(D)LMS (Didn't) Lose My Shit - often a necessary acronym around spouses and teens!
Naughty Corner - the thread's imaginary space for rest and recuperation when it all gets too much. Often stocked with soft cushions, blankets, drinks and snacks. May or may not have a free bar, fire place, sunloungers, hot and cold running barmen etc.
Cherry waves 🍒👋 - lovely type for cheery wave that stuck!
All Fed and No One Dead - a good outcome to a busy day.

The beauty of Flylady is that is can be adapted to any household setup - lots of DC or just one, or none; a partner / spouse, or ex, or those going it alone; those working within or outside the home; shiftwork, you name it.

Our motto is No Fledgling Left Behind, so if you are a returner or a lurker, welcome on board, there is always space her for more Fledglings.

So today was interesting.
That thunder storm was something else.
Close thunder/lightening literally sounds like a bomb going off and fecking hell does the building shake!

Lots fledgers seemingly half arse flapping today
But if we were all spectacularly on it,guess we wouldn't be here adding friendship,sympathy,warmth and laughter to each others days💞

Still no progress on cleaning front.
Have watched D's on PS4 for 30 minutes,plus assisted start a musical thing on dreams game
Then 3 rounds of rummy,followed by snuggles and couple chapters of watership down
So I'm calling it a win on the mum front,at least with one of zoolets,today
Dd2 in heightened state over ed clinic tom,so tonight's going to be a stressfest...

YesTaDas:
🦥 Got the vehicle registered that DD will be driving
🦥 Took DD over to see about getting her license, was able to take a test, but barely failed. Rescheduled it for Monday
🦥 Vacuumed kitchen & dining room
🦥 Mopped all hard floors on main level
🦥 3 LOLs, one was bedding, another was towels
🦥 Picked up DDs vehicle, following closely behind in case it broke down. It is a 1977 after all, no need to tow it as it made it home okay

We had a crazy storm here last night, thunder was loud so it took a bit to fall asleep, then acid reflux set in & I saw almost every hour.
I am tired today.

honey that sounds so shit of the Tesco driver, I hope it all gets resolved quickly.

Well I've had a weepy while. I've also tried to talk to ds again. Downstairs it's always 90% his mess and his messy habits that I'm faced with or his pile of clothes that I've washed and folded and repeatedly asked him to put away but he doesn't.

Flylady is right about not being able to tidy or clean clutter. I look to clean the kitchen and actually get put off by the piles of laundry or other crap that has ended up in there that would need sorting first.

Is it normal to feel this upset and overwhelmed by it all? I could just sit here and keep crying but obviously that achieves nothing.

honey yep.spunds like me.on repeat
I get frustrated the zoolets leave a trail random crap.ask nicely.reoeat til LMS.they then rant at me ,begrudgingly move stuff.sulk in rooms and within days we on the merry go round again
I'm not good at enforcing shit cos I'm crap at being ruthlessly tidy too

Yes honey sometimes it is.

@Stilllivinginazoo

honey yep.spunds like me.on repeat I get frustrated the zoolets leave a trail random crap.ask nicely.reoeat til LMS.they then rant at me ,begrudgingly move stuff.sulk in rooms and within days we on the merry go round again I'm not good at enforcing shit cos I'm crap at being ruthlessly tidy too

Yep I'm so sick of the merry go round. And he agrees to things and never does them and it's so exhausting arguing and nagging and insisting that I just give up which is obviously shit parenting but I'm tired.

My friend sometimes (currently) has her step daughter over for a little extended period because Mum is fed up with her and they're fighting - and she's a helpful angel compared to mine (but maybe different at her mum's I guess) and I don't have that. There's no dad in the picture that I can send him to and no back up.

Proper pity party now sorry. I've insisted he empties the dishwasher and puts away his clean clothes before he goes out to play basketball and dealt with the attitude etc to enforce that even though he starts out all, why are you sad, what's wrong etc and I explain and say I need him to pull his weight a bit. The minute I actually need him to do something his concern for why I'm looking upset or stressed disappears. He has never had a Dad so how can he be such a bloody 'bloke' at 14? He did more when he was little than he does now.

I'm tired! I don't feel justified in being tired though - I do next to nothing and the house is a pit and even in term time I'm only part time.

Right. Must stop moaning on here.

Except to say that your kids disappointing you is made doubly bad because you blame yourself. If they're letting you down then it must be your fault because you raised them. It is terrible of me but sometimes I think how nice it would be to be back to just being me.

honey are you me/my long lost twin?!
Lil zoo being a darling at dd1- washes up without being asked,tidies her room.here it's a trail of crap wherever she goes and gets in a screaming match over empty frickin flavoured water bottles and sweetie wrappers

There are perks to split custody. that is all i am saying. Here is it the same but it is the parents who are doing it rather then just the teenager. I can't even wonder where i went wrong with them. So i mostly wander about the house cursing the fuckers that live here.

honey it really sounds like you could do with some help. Is there anywhere DS can go for a few days (any family or friends) so that you can get a break from him? We ALL need our own time to ourselves every once in a while. Also with him not there you can actually get things done without them being undone the second you turn around. You can do what you like with your time, no worrying about what he's up to, what he's going to eat etc. The best thing is to send him to someone who will make him step up and help around the house, especially if they can get through to him on how much you do for him and what he NEEDS to do to help you. If he moves out at 18, he's only got 4 years to learn everything that needs to be done around the house. Not many young women will be okay with their man being lazy, no-one truly wants to end up with a mummy's boy (well I wouldn't anyway).
I would refuse to clean up after him and catering to him. If he takes food up to his room and doesn't bring the dirty plates down, he gets to figure out his next meal by himself. If he leaves something of his laying on the floor (especially if it's dirty clothes, but anything really), shove it in his room and shut the door. Not your problem. If he doesn't have clean clothes to wear, he gets to do laundry. My 11yo DS actually does the majority of the laundry in our house, one load a day.

Sorry I wrote a book. I don't mean to step on any toes either, it just frustrates me when DC (especially teens) take advantage of their mums and do nothing around the house.

Nowhere unfortunately Hazel and I agree with what you're saying. He'd happily just cook himself noodles or something so wouldn't manage to starve him out. Half the mess is that he cooks for himself later in the evening when I'm in bed because he gets hungry again. The laundry - he just wouldn't go to school or would go in non uniform.

Tragically, and I used to so judge parents for saying things like this, the only things he cares about really are his playstation, his being able to go out and his phone. It's going to have to be right none of those things happen until you've done x type approach but I seriously hate things that way. We've always had a really reasonable and rational relationship and I was never a sticker chart or take things away parent and was a firm believer in intrinsic motivation and doing the right things because it was the right thing to do rather than you'll get money or get something taken away etc and that made for great times when he was younger.

Sadly as a teen his rationality and reasonableness have gone awol and quite possibly mine have too a bit as I'm struggling with perimenopause and work and money and etc etc so I have to accept and so does he if I follow through that a new era with new regimes is upon us. It's just so counter to our prior relationship and way of doing things and very counter to my personality and approach and to the kind of peace and ease I like to have in my home but I think it's a case of tough shit Badger you're going to have to deal with it.

I dream of running away to a tiny house in a quiet, green setting. Just me. I think I could quite happily live as a hermit. Internet access and food delivery is all I would need. I regularly say that living as a hermit is on my bucket list.

DP has been away for a few days an I'm knackered. But actually I need some advice. DS used to have a temper when he was much younger, often triggered by being in pain or frustration and hunger made it worse. Between about 7 to now, his temper evened out and he rarely lost his temper. It's spiralling again. He's losing his temper almost daily now. Hormones? I wouldn't mind so much but he can physical when he gets angry. Today I heard him slamming the computer and mouse because the mouse wasn't working (it needed a new battery) and then later he hit his head on the car boot door and he came in, stormed upstairs and was slamming his wardrobe doors over and over. It's quite frightening to witness (and hear). I've expressed my feelings about how frightening it is and how as he gets bigger, how he will likely damage himself or things. I'm quite at a loss of what to do. This aggression doesn't happen much when DP is around. He has a mentor at school and I've told him to talk to his mentor (DS doesn't like feeling so out of control either) when he goes back to school but what can I do in the meantime to help him manage his anger so it's not out of control?

Bit simplistic but after him asking for it for ages I got ds a heavy duty free standing punch bag Yup. All of my emotional intelligence and psychology had less effect than actually allowing him something that he was allowed to go and batter.

In conversations (and ds tended to be remorseful and ashamed of himself after temper or upsetting me) I would point out that emotions are hard, every adult struggles to deal with them so it's not surprising a teen does and we're all learning how to better deal with our emotions and frustrations etc all the time. I was wary of a punch bag because when I trained in therapy I learned that expressing anger just perpetuated anger but ds was determined he needed something to release it out of him.

Ds was similar in that when he was little lets say he eg. stubbed his toe you'd see the initial pain or upset and then it would quickly transmute into an angry ball of holding it in. I was always focussed on trying to put him back in touch with what I saw as the real emotion but it was getting me nowhere in those moments. I also had to face the fact that I don't deal with anger well and tend to annoyingly cry when what I actually am is angry and I had to accept that for him, for now, he needs an outlet and channel for that anger.

Sorry to hear about your own teen honey You sound like a great mum and your way as worked so well so far. I don't know, teens are a breed apart. It's tough.

And thank you, you've just reminded me to remind him to go take it out on his punch bag when he's getting unreasonable with me.

I don't know about your ds but mine 'comes down' as quickly as he can go up and then is fine whereas for me having been around someone's anger leaves me unsettled and anxious for ages and a bit resentful of them suddenly being fine and wanting to carry on as if nothing happened. He reminds me of my Dad in that sense who can lose his temper really quickly and childishly and to my mind selfishly but 5 minutes later be right as rain.

Thanks, honey. DS wouldn't use a punch bag, he's not sporty at all. We do talk about emotions, always have done, and how hard it is to control or express them. I, too, cry when I get angry. However, I do think you're right about channeling his anger but how I don't know.

And no not a great Mum currently. Mostly a tired, despairing, give up Mum lately. I need to, as I say, pull my big girl pants up and face the kind of discipline and boundaries he needs now no matter how unnatural they are to me or how much he doesn't want them.

It's much easier in the classroom than in your own home even though it's 30 to 1 I think it's all the guilt and self doubt and recrimination that tangles it up with him at home. I can't think 'he's being a bit shit' without that also implying 'I must have done a shit job'. We're definitely way too hard on ourselves.

Doesn't help that I hear childless judgy teachers talking about how easily they'd deal with so and so if they were their child etc We were all perfect parents before we had kids.

Ask him. Get him to think about it and what would help. When ds was little we'd 'blow out the candles' ie. breathe.

Put it on him to think about it and come up with ideas of what he could do to channel it.

Sorry I wrote 3 books

Yup, DS comes down quickly (like his dad), is full of remorse and then moves on, whereas I feel unsettled for ages. Two peas in a pod, we are honey.

I think being peri has an enormous impact in our confidence, energy levels, thinking and emotional well-being. Try not to put yourself down. Have you told him how hard you are finding things at the moment? Not to guilt trip him but to say I need you to help. 3 (or more) basic things you can do to help around the house which will help me cope? I tell DS that every little helps eg even putting the condiments back in the cupboards or putting his clothes in the hamper. Especially if he does it without me asking. DP does a lot for DS but I keep saying DS needs to learn life skills.

honey yes, breathing. Keep forgetting about that! I will also ask him.

No. It is easier when you are in a classroom than when you are at home because you are not so emotionally entangled in the situation.

Yes to the violent outbursts - it does settle down but there is a really rocky stage for some kids from about 13 to about 16. Ds struggled really bad. there is a fist shaped hole in his desk, things got broken. but then suddenly as if someone had flipped a switch it stopped. Hormones have a hell of a lot to answer for and i think modern society means that kids are not burning off the emotions through physical activity in the same way. So many people i know who started work at 14 which put them on the straight an narrow after issues with school, who were out working the fields etc etc. Now whilst i dont subscribe to a lot of the old work practises I do think that modern society as a whole is unhealthy in its approach to life (constantly accessible, constantly on the go, have to be busy, have to be connected, 24/7) and it is affecting the kids also.

There are no short term solutions. you know your situation the best, your kids the best. But you can't pour from an empty cup and you are never going to be perfect, perfect simply does not exist. You are going to make mistakes, life is going to be messy. but it always has been and it always will be and to make yourself feel bad for that doesn't help it only hinders.

sorting the teen for me meant that I said no do it yourself, what exactly does it help /change, this is my time. I don't care if you are now calm i am not so i am in time out until I calm down after that. etc etc. it also meant saying sorry kid i handled that badly. yeah suck it up you are a member of this household so you need to act as a functional member of this household. And sorry i didn't get to that thing for you because it wasnt the highest thing on my priority list and other things had to be done first. I can't do everything i am not super human, you want more do more.

Life quite frankly is ugly, disorganised, impulsive, messy, stressful, amazing, stunning and memorable. with out the bad you dont appreciate the good. Without the good it is hard to ride through the bad. This will pass, it will come through in the end; just no one promised it wouldn't be a rollar coaster ride along the way.

And dammit this thread moves fast. Sorry for any inappropriate x-posting