Cleaner quit and with good reason

[completelyatpointofdespair]

Hi all, feeling very low so please be gentle.

With Covid I have been working for 50+ a day and my house contains my partner, DD who is two and SD (teenager)

I hired a cleaner and she's been with us for about a year and she quit unexpectedly. I asked for her reasoning and she said to her manager basically said our house was to messy, she didn't quit work just our house.

My partner has been depressed so it's been me doing 3 hours of clean up in morning before she comes (starting day at 3am and it's not been enough). The cat keeps being sick (rescue and nervous around anything and that tends to prompt her) and as soon as I see it I clean it up, SD has come on her period and tends to leave sanity products beside the bin (not in it) although again I go around after her I must have missed something and more humiliatingly raised issues with the toilet I have crones so causes issues (I'm usually uber vigilant but must have I missed something as that was commented on too - they don't know I have crones. It's a two story house and I know it's a awful place to clean (because if it wasn't why the cleaner)

I could cry partner says he will try harder but the despression makes it hard for him to stick to anything long term and he won't abs causes a good deal of the mess. I can't mention about SD (she she already causes issues like when she stole from us when we said ok you can't have your PlayStation for a day she called her mum to come get her and DH is worried she won't want to come anymore) also means that she rules the roost. Literally does not pick up after herself (she's 12) and HD won't say anything to risk her not wanting to come back

I got a cleaner to help agaist the war of mess , happily paid way above market rate £20 per hour for 4 hours bi weekly and would have happily paid more if it had been raised with me before, provide own cleaning equipment and any she wanted.

I'm just so ashamed, I fear that I will never get this house under control and I'm losing a fighting battle and that little bit of help just kept my sanity is now gone.

I would normally kick DH into touch but his depression and working all hours gods sends has put a stop to that.

I'm so tired at end of day (dealing with DD who's two and work). I have had my mum over who's hyper critical, and she's said it's really not that bad but it must be if cleaner has quit over it ! It doesn't look bad we aren't hoarders or anything, messy yes and the toilet situation is just mortifying. I check so often so I must have just had a bad day

I just can't. Anyone been in same boat ? Suggestions. Usually I would say get a cleaner but it seems I can't because it's to messy. What must the cleaner think of me ? I'm so ashamed and embarrassed, and have been in tears all day.

Instead of paying over the odds for sporadic cleaning, why not pay the going rate for 2hrs twice a week? £12ph, two hours on a Tuesday and again on a Friday. The shorter the gap between the visits, the less chance to create additional build up of dirt.

Thing is I would have done that I would have had her come more frequently at the same rate but I got told about it post her handing in her notice.

Nothing was said, if she had said I would have intervened as I'm horrified .

We got on so well which is really what's baffled me a bit, admittedly we only just started up once government had allowed so there had been a break 😞

That sounds so hard. You have such a lot to deal with!

My only ideas, they might be crap, are to book AL of a week and keep your 2 year old in nursery. Listen to A Slob Comes Clean podcast/read her book, it's amazing. Though to be honest your house doesn't sound that bad?! But it might help. Have 3 days to gut your house and 2 days to get some time to yourself.

Does your partner work?

And then get a cleaner back again more frequently as pp said, think that's a good idea.

I hate to say this, but what are you getting out of this relationship? This isn't really about the cleaner is it?
I realise your partner has depression, but you really would be better off on your own with your dd than working 50 hours a week and dealing with the filth caused by him and his daughter.
Even if it's just a temporary separation to allow him to get the treatment he needs and for his disgusting teenager to sort herself out.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you're more or less the only one actually making an effort, living with (for understandable reasons but all the same) 3 mess machines, and working all the hours god sends while also managing a serious health condition.

I think the feedback might let you create manageable expectations if you want to engage another cleaner.

It’s probably just a poor fit, finding a good cleaner that suits your needs is a really difficult thing to do.

Your SD, is that mess in her own bedroom or in communal areas like the bathroom? Does she live with you full time? I’d be inclined to ask the cleaner not to do her bedroom and just leave it to her.

There comes a point with depression where a person can become stuck in their own heads, and having a check list of daily tasks that they can achieve is really positive, to give a sense of motivation and purpose. Today I’ll shower, get dressed, load the dishwasher/change the bins/cook a meal etc.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

OP, I had similar earlier this year. I’m a single parent with MH issues and ADHD, 3DC, one is Autistic, I study full time and work. I was devastated and mortified too.

I have since found another cleaner, who is amazing. I was very blunt about my circs, about what I need etc and she has had no issue with any of it so far, she even reorganises cupboards etc when she gets time.

Because of her, my home is looking better than ever and she’s doing the same hours as the last cleaner was

Yes partner is SE, which is a nightmare he works same hours as me.

I think maybe getting cleaning done more frequently is a good shout. Although I feel a bit nervous against going down that route again in case the cleaner thinks badly of me. My mother would be first one to tell me tbh so I'm a little shocked she said anything positive.

Backstory My partner and I lost a baby late stage and it's been hard, I'm trying to give him room to grieve and keep house together . It wasn't ever bad but aftermath I imagine it wasn't great, I'm attention to detail had probably slipped somewhat but obviously it's not something I spoke about to anyone really.

I love my partner but yes am at end of rope. It's awful to say but I dread my SD coming around. So many power plays abs it's just a living hell. How can I love him and just honestly want to beat my head agaist the wall with SD. It's like I'm at the circus and can't escape !

I'm also glad to hear that others have had this. I went on to MN and found a cleaner complaining about a cup left out in sink and she was calling them disgusting.

That probably didn't help.

Thank you all for being so kind 😞 just really could have done without this.

SD is part time by partner want to increase that. Which I have said no to until x changes but I doubt it will. Mess in her room and all common areas, literally my 2 year old is tidier 😞

Go on a local Facebook page and ask for cleaner recommendations.
See if you can find a one who will do just one hour but book them for twice a week.

Get your ss to put sanitary bits in the bin herself!

I don't have any practical advice, but it sounds like there is a lot of emotional manipulation going on which means you're carrying all the weight. Having suffered a lot of depression myself, I really don't think it's an excuse to opt out of all domestic responsibility - but it sounds as though you're afraid of rocking the boat because you'll be blamed for making your husband's depression worse? That's really not ok, and you're going to crack under all this pressure. The relationship with his daughter also sounds very damaging (for her too, it does no-one good to feel as though they're calling all the shots). You need to establish where your own boundaries are, as it sounds like these two will continue to let you take all the strain if they think they can get away with it.

Don't be embarrassed, these are just facts and another cleaner might not be phased by them. When we had a cleaner years back she knew at the off we had elderly dogs and cats so she might find all sorts - she just took that as part of the deal. I would be very honest with a new cleaner and say to them to take time to think it over before they take it on.

Sorry, but I'd ditch your partner; definitely hope you aren't TTC. You lost a baby, too, but you're the one who's expected to do it all? Bullshit! He's very selfish and I'd lose respect for a person like this entirely. I agree with Frog.

People are offering you solutions on how you can do even more lifework to sort this.

Just stop!

Stop enabling this man.

@completelyatpointofdespair

I'm also glad to hear that others have had this. I went on to MN and found a cleaner complaining about a cup left out in sink and she was calling them disgusting.

That probably didn't help.

Thank you all for being so kind 😞 just really could have done without this.

😱 That's so rude!

for you. That all sounds really really hard.

Christ woman, in the nicest possible way, who is looking out for you?

Your partner has work and depression and is grieving (does he get treatment?). What about you?

Your partner calls the shots about his dd (as he should) but you are left to deal with it. Does he atleast share looking after your dc?

Please tell him you cannot do this anymore. He is not the only one struggling. You are allowed to grieve too.

I feel so sorry for you. Get a new cleaner for every week, get a new dh if needs be (tongue in cheek). But he isn't the only one to be looked after, molly cuddled here. Ask him to talk to SD, even though it is frightening it cannot continue this way.

Hugs and flowers for you.

It's easy to resolve really. Just clean the toilet and collect up anything SD has left around. You can request different types of cleaners. There are some who will deal with slightly grimier situations! If you go on your local facebook page, ask there. You can explain the situation to them prior to engaging them and if they think it's too much, just ask someone else.

Spell out what needs to be done.

E.g. washing dishes/loading/unloading dishwasher
Putting a wash on
Ironing
Floors/cupboards/fridge/oven/windows/bathrooms etc.

Give as much info prior to hiring your new cleaner.

@ismiseeire

It's easy to resolve really. Just clean the toilet and collect up anything SD has left around. You can request different types of cleaners. There are some who will deal with slightly grimier situations! If you go on your local facebook page, ask there. You can explain the situation to them prior to engaging them and if they think it's too much, just ask someone else.

Why should she? Whilst they do FA. It's easy to resolve, tell your partner you're leaving and do it. He can find someone else to put up with his bullshit.

I think I'd be making it a priority to ensure the toilet was clean - when you say you have Chrohn's disease, do you mean you're not able to leave the toilet in a decent state? I can see why this may tip a cleaner into resigning, coupled with the used sanitary towels left around. Both sound unpleasant

So I think with those two issues under control, you'll have no issue getting a new cleaner and I'd suggest 2 hours twice a week

Cat vomit however would put anyone off, so that needs to be dealt with immediately by you. I would never expect anyone to clean that sort of stuff up (why I don't have a cat!)

You can also google cleaning services in your area in order to get one initial deep clean done.