Cleaner quit and with good reason

[completelyatpointofdespair]

Hi all, feeling very low so please be gentle.

With Covid I have been working for 50+ a day and my house contains my partner, DD who is two and SD (teenager)

I hired a cleaner and she's been with us for about a year and she quit unexpectedly. I asked for her reasoning and she said to her manager basically said our house was to messy, she didn't quit work just our house.

My partner has been depressed so it's been me doing 3 hours of clean up in morning before she comes (starting day at 3am and it's not been enough). The cat keeps being sick (rescue and nervous around anything and that tends to prompt her) and as soon as I see it I clean it up, SD has come on her period and tends to leave sanity products beside the bin (not in it) although again I go around after her I must have missed something and more humiliatingly raised issues with the toilet I have crones so causes issues (I'm usually uber vigilant but must have I missed something as that was commented on too - they don't know I have crones. It's a two story house and I know it's a awful place to clean (because if it wasn't why the cleaner)

I could cry partner says he will try harder but the despression makes it hard for him to stick to anything long term and he won't abs causes a good deal of the mess. I can't mention about SD (she she already causes issues like when she stole from us when we said ok you can't have your PlayStation for a day she called her mum to come get her and DH is worried she won't want to come anymore) also means that she rules the roost. Literally does not pick up after herself (she's 12) and HD won't say anything to risk her not wanting to come back

I got a cleaner to help agaist the war of mess , happily paid way above market rate £20 per hour for 4 hours bi weekly and would have happily paid more if it had been raised with me before, provide own cleaning equipment and any she wanted.

I'm just so ashamed, I fear that I will never get this house under control and I'm losing a fighting battle and that little bit of help just kept my sanity is now gone.

I would normally kick DH into touch but his depression and working all hours gods sends has put a stop to that.

I'm so tired at end of day (dealing with DD who's two and work). I have had my mum over who's hyper critical, and she's said it's really not that bad but it must be if cleaner has quit over it ! It doesn't look bad we aren't hoarders or anything, messy yes and the toilet situation is just mortifying. I check so often so I must have just had a bad day

I just can't. Anyone been in same boat ? Suggestions. Usually I would say get a cleaner but it seems I can't because it's to messy. What must the cleaner think of me ? I'm so ashamed and embarrassed, and have been in tears all day.

This is why ‘get a cleaner’ is bad advice, as they clean. They don’t tidy as well.

I’m sorry OP.

If you have a cat vomiting everywhere and you're going to keep them, would you change from carpet to vinyl so that it can be cleaned up easily and won't stink the place out?

SD should be told to put her sanpro in the bin!

SD old enough to menstruate, is also old enough to deal properly with her own period products . I cannot fathom why any one would tolerate her leaving stuff for others to deal with. That has to be a pure act of defiance and aggression and it would be a dealbreaker to me. I wouldn't have the little minx in the house (and tell her mother why).

No weekly will never be enough. I'd say maybe 1.5 hrs twice a week.. I have a fairly quiet and tidy youse and I'd struggle with bi weekly

I know your dh is struggling with his mental health, but that doesn't absolve him of being a functioning member of the household. He can't use that as an excuse not to do anything.

As for your sdd, he needs to be having serious words with her. As much as he doesn't want to, her behaviour is beyond awful

Honestly the girl leaving her used sanitary items around the house is disgusting, teach her to put them in the bin. Also, when you say you have chrons and sometimes the toilet isn't clean do you mean actual poo is left around the toilet ? If so I can see why the cleaner wouldnt want to do it, I think youd need to pay a higher price for a more deep clean if those sorts of things are involved.

Nothing was said, if she had said I would have intervened as I'm horrified

Come off it, you  live there,   you didn't need to  " be told "  the poor woman was facing   cat sick,  used sanpro, and the dirty lavs . You know what goes on in your house.

Does SD behave like that in her mother's house?

Why not:
Pay a normal hourly rate, but get them in twice a week.
Rehome the cat - I'm sorry I'm sure you love it, but that doesn't sound workable.
Gently mention to your SD that she needs to wrap used sanitary products and put them in the bin, if she leaves then I'd say so be it as that is utterly filthy.
Could you try decluttering some bad areas because when everything is tidy it doesn't take much to keep it that way and cleaners can easily do their stuff.
Don't forget - recycle it or bin it or re-gift it and you must know the place for everything before you bring it into the house!

She's 12, so she would have just started with her periods. She may not be sure what to do, or she may feel weird having periods still, so just teach her. She's a child, and she can't be having much fun with 2 households, a depressed father, lockdown and now periods starting.

That being said, your house doesn't sound that bad, OP. Try not to worry what the cleaner said, she probably has her own issues.

Buy your sd some period pants

@completelyatpointofdespair

Yes partner is SE, which is a nightmare he works same hours as me.

I think maybe getting cleaning done more frequently is a good shout. Although I feel a bit nervous against going down that route again in case the cleaner thinks badly of me. My mother would be first one to tell me tbh so I'm a little shocked she said anything positive.

Backstory My partner and I lost a baby late stage and it's been hard, I'm trying to give him room to grieve and keep house together . It wasn't ever bad but aftermath I imagine it wasn't great, I'm attention to detail had probably slipped somewhat but obviously it's not something I spoke about to anyone really.

I love my partner but yes am at end of rope. It's awful to say but I dread my SD coming around. So many power plays abs it's just a living hell. How can I love him and just honestly want to beat my head agaist the wall with SD. It's like I'm at the circus and can't escape !

I'm sorry, but what the fuck are you doing getting up a 3am to clean up after him and his disgusting child because he's grieving?

You're not working any less hard than him - but you then do all the grunt work whilst they trash the place?

I really think you need to consider other options - such as taking yourself, your cat and your LO off to live somewhere else, as I reckon that once those two are out of the equation, you'll find it much easier to handle things, especially if you also get a cleaner from the outset twice a week so you hardly have to do anything other than daily things (like litter tray, puke patrol, loading a dishwasher, etc).

You are worth so much better a life than what you have right now.

What action has your partner taken to manage his depression? What has the GP said?

DH needs to grow the fuck up I’m afraid, you are grieving too, he needs to pull his weight at home, he needs to buy his DD a bin for her bedroom as well as nappy bags, and tell his ex to have words with their DD about disposing of pads (or have words himself if they would handle it delicately but firmly).

None of this is just on you OP.

If the cat has puked after OP has gone to work, that’s also on DH to deal with.

It might not be quite that bad. I would imagine the sanitary products alone would be enough for some to quit!! It may not be quite the hell hole you are imagining.

Your DH needs to step up in regards to his DD.

Her laziness is disgusting. My 12 year old autistic daughter knows to dispose of her sanitary products and clean up after herself.

I can’t get over your partner being incapacitated by grief

What about you?! When and how do you get to grieve? You lost a baby you !!

What on earth does he add to your life??

At the rate your paying, you could get a housekeeping company who should tidy etc too. I take it, the cleaner works for a company, can they replace her?

Oh OP. Please be kind on yourself.

I'm SE and would happily help you clean for a day to get you back up and running for a cleaner. Happy to lend a hand when one is needed .

OP, I reckon the cleaner quit for her own reasons as much as anything and another cleaner wouldn’t find it an issue. If she was agency employed abs had to give a reason to her boss it’s easier for her to blend the state of your house than say it didn’t suit for another reason.

Get a deep cleaning done first, then get a regular schedule with a cleaner set up.

Be clear with your SD that the sanitary products is disgusting and must not be allowed to go on. The cleaner won’t be doing her room if there’s any issue and she’ll have to clean it herself.

Your DP tidies up with you the evening before the cleaner arrives. No excuses.

Some cleaners will send a team to do what they call a 'bomb' - they clean the whole place top to bottom to establish a baseline, then you could get a cleaner in twice weekly to maintain the standard,

Lots of agencies have policies about cleaners touching human/animaI waste and fluids. It's an insurance precaution because they would be liable if their employed cleaners became ill. It makes sense but can be taken to extremes. I once left the house clear and ready for an agency clean. While I was out the cat used the litter tray and in the process kicked a little round cat turd onto the utility room floor. I came home to find the floor had been vacuumed, washed and polished - except for a small dusty, dirty circle around the cat turd which was left there like an offering. I also had a voicemail from the company explaining that if they found animal excrement in my house again they would withdraw their services. I cancelled the contract and found a private cleaner who was capable of using her common sense in a situation like that (sweep up turd, chuck it out, clean floor properly).

That being said, I always check the bathrooms before the cleaner comes to ensure nothing unsanitary has been left out. It's only happened once in 20+ years but I have a quick look round just in case.

If this is going to be an ongoing think for you find an agency or cleaner equipped to work with that sort of thing. There are plenty around and they won't cost £20 an hour.