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Housekeeping

Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

Original poster

Does your DP help around the home?

76 replies

Ella1980 · 03/03/2019 15:43

If so, can I borrow them?!! 😉

I've lived with three men in my life and they've all been pretty useless when it comes to housework. I do pretty much all of it. My OH does cook (which he is very good at to give him his due) but will rarely wash up afterwards.

What do your partners do around the house? Not sure this is going to make me feel worse or better!!

OP posts:
PiebaldHamster · 03/03/2019 15:55

I'd never, ever live with anyone who didn't pull his/her weight in life, not even a flatmate. Nope. Fuck that. All that shows is that the person doesn't have any respect for anyone or anything in life, including their own stuff and health. A big clue for me when I was dating is that if their room, flat/house or car was a mess, I dumped immediately no matter what other qualities they had because that said to me is that they weren't functioning adults and I CBA'd with that.

So yes, my husband does his fair share in the home and in life as do I because he wouldn't be my husband otherwise and he wouldn't put up with it from me.

Why do you think so little of yourself that you'd rather live being treated as someone's skivvy than be on your own without some dick making a big mess.

sackrifice · 03/03/2019 15:56

He doesn't help, he does his share.

Clickncollect · 03/03/2019 15:58

My DH doesn’t ‘help’ - he lives here too and does his fair share as a fully contributing adult. I would have no respect for a man who expected me to tidy up after him

thelonggame · 03/03/2019 15:59

when my kids were young and I was a SAHM I did everything except DH cooked occasionally, but he always tidies up after dinner.
Now we are both working I still do washing and ironing, shopping and most of the cleaning. If he's home from work before me he will get dinner on, and weekends we both cook, and at weekends DH will vacuum or tidy/clean if it needs doing again.
It works for us as I have much shorter working days, so I still get more leisure time after doing the lions share of housework. But I sure as hell wouldn't be doing so much if we had the same free time, or I would get a cleaner.

Original poster
Ella1980 · 03/03/2019 16:00

I'm not working atm (due to reasons I don't really want to go in to here) and therefore I think he thinks the house is "my job". I work so hard to keep it nice but I do get tired of doing literally everything. Perhaps I am being unreasonable if he is working ft?

OP posts:
happymummy12345 · 03/03/2019 16:02

If my husband is at home on our big weekly clean day then we do it together. He will ask exactly what I'd like him to do to help, and then he does it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/03/2019 16:02

No helping here just doing your share. At the moment he's doing more than me because I'm not well.

sackrifice · 03/03/2019 16:04

He will ask exactly what I'd like him to do to help, and then he does it.

Weirdly my OH has his own eyes and can see what needs doing.

EggysMom · 03/03/2019 16:04

Mine doesn't help, he does the majority of it because he's the SAHD (with time on his hands whilst DS is at school).

Elizabeth2019 · 03/03/2019 16:04

The OH does his share - very badly in my opinion and I often re-do it but he still tries. I’d be unhappy if he didn’t try to anything cleaning or washing around the house, especially as he makes more of the mess! It’s not instinctive though, I do have to ask him to clean or change bedding.

origamiunicorn · 03/03/2019 16:04

He doesn't help, he does his share.

This ^^

Help around the house still reinforces the idea women do the house work and any man found housework should be congratulated.

My DP and I just do it. He tends to do the vacumning and I do the laundry but it works as we share and it always gets done. We share the cooking too. We are both house proud and are parents are like it so that helps too.

origamiunicorn · 03/03/2019 16:05

Our* Blush

Bumpitybumper · 03/03/2019 16:08

I think that what's "fair" can differ depending on your current setup and how much time and effort you both commit to doing other things that support your household (e.g. working or childcare).

I'm a SAHM and do slightly more housework than my DH, however I absolutely devote the same amount of time and effort to supporting the household. It just so happens most of my time is spent looking after the children whilst he works FT. We both do what we can when we can and have full confidence that neither one of us is being lazy or inefficient. We rarely argue about chores as we trust that the other has done all they can and therefore we will pitch in to get anything left over done.

Do you think that you and your DP devote the same amount of time and effort into supporting your household? It sounds like you expect him to do more so I suspect you think the current split isn't fair.

TroysMammy · 03/03/2019 16:08

Irons, puts the washing machine on, hangs clothes to dry, cleans the bathroom, cooks and washes up, hoovers. At the moment he's tidying up part of the garden whilst I'm sitting on the bed, drinking tea and MNting.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 03/03/2019 16:09

I do all the laundry, washing, drying, folding etc but he does all the ironing. We have cleaners once a fortnight but I do most of the cleaning in between (but am not working at the moment so have more time). He does the gardening. I cook Mon-Fri, he cooks at weekends, including a mean Sunday roast. He researches and books holidays abroad and because he finds it easier to relax in self-catering accommodation, he does all the cooking whenever we’re away. I do cat litter trays, he does the kitchen bin. It all feels very equitable.

SoyDora · 03/03/2019 16:09

I was going to say ‘no he doesn’t ‘help’, he does his fair share’ but I can see it’s been done Grin.
I’m a SAHM to a 5 year old, 3 year old and 7 week old so I do the majority as I’m physically in the house more often. However he wouldn’t dream of leaving everything to me. He puts washing on, does at least 50% of the cooking, cleans when he sees something needs doing etc. I never have to ask him to do something as he has eyes.

MsSquiz · 03/03/2019 16:09

My DH doesn't "help" but he does certain household jobs.
I work from home and we don't have kids yet, so I take on the lion's share of the housework (90% of the cooking, general cleaning/tidying, all laundry & ironing, food shopping)
He is responsible for all of the vacuuming, cleaning the cats litter trays, cutting the grass, changing bulbs (because I can't reach!) and he puts the clean bedding on the bed. he works out of the home, 5 days a week, 7.30am - 6pm

It's how it works for us. But I couldn't be with someone who expected me to do all of housework

Original poster
Ella1980 · 03/03/2019 16:12

I guess what I'm asking is it it OK for me to do everything at home and with kids etc because he's working atm and I'm not? I absolutely think it reasonable for me to do the majority in our current situation but does that mean he shouldn't help at the weekends for example? I just feel a bit drained and it's bringing my mental health down even further 😢

OP posts:
Etino · 03/03/2019 16:13

Mine doesn’t. However he works away so 4 nights a week and feeds, tidies and looks after himself. No DC at home so weekends I’m happy to do the lion’s share. His Dad does nothing (retired 20 years) but the other retired men I can think of do half or more, and he’ll definitely be like them, not his Dad!

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/03/2019 16:15

Depends what you mean by 'everything'.

Most of the deep cleaning because you're at home? Yes, probably. Barring children to look after and health issues that stop you. Picking up underwear off the floor and plates they've left around and crumbs they haven't bothered to clear up? No.

And certainly not all the parenting. Because that's not about chores, that's about children feeling loved and cared for by both parents. Men who check out of parenting don't end up with loving, close relationships with their children.

MillieMoodle · 03/03/2019 16:16

Even if he works full time and you are at home, he needs to do his fair share.

I work full time, DH is a SAHD. He does the washing, ironing and hoovering. I change/wash sheets, towels, do cleaning/dusting. We share cooking, tidying, childcare. I do the online shop, he collects and puts away. He mows the lawn. He gets DC up and dressed/breakfast sorted in the week, I do it at weekends or if I'm off work. We both do bath/bedtime routine. He gets up in the night in the week with DC if needed, unless he's ill, in which case I do it. I tend to do Friday/Saturday night get ups if needed to give him a break.

I will say that he has been a SAHD for just over 18 months and this is what we agreed would happen if he gave up work. Before that, he did sweet FA around the house for 10 years. I was at my wits' end, seriously considering leaving so that I at least got every other weekend off. I now realise he was actually probably suffering from depression - he's like a different person since being at home, although at times has to be reminded of what the deal was, especially if I have a few days off work - I seem to end up doing everything if i don't make it clear that I won't!

I have found being very clear about my expectations helps. 18 months in and he can see what needs doing and he does it, I don't need to mention what needs doing and the mental load of everything is very much shared now.

SoyDora · 03/03/2019 16:16

It’s not ok in my opinion. I do everything that needs doing while he’s working. So that’s childcare, meals, general cleaning/tidying etc. When he’s not working, everything is split 50:50. It’s abour equal leisure time. I don’t get down time during the day while he’s working, so why should I do everything in the evenings/weekends while he relaxes?
Luckily he’s on the same page.

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/03/2019 16:16

Also, how many children and what ages? Because DD was impossible to clean around at 2. I could barely keep up and we spent all day out of the house because she was a nightmare otherwise.

SoyDora · 03/03/2019 16:17

And obviously having been working all week, he wants to care for his children at the weekends. Otherwise why have them?

Etino · 03/03/2019 16:18

@Ella1980 no that doesn’t sound ok. But how much are you doing? I see threads on here from women doing more housework in a day than I do all week and my house is fine. I wouldn’t say a man not doing half that is shirking. If you’re moving furniture to vacuum daily and zofloring the cornices you’re doing too much. If you’re picking up his pants from the floor and ironing his shirts, he’s not doing enough.