Does your DP help around the home?

[Ella1980]

If so, can I borrow them?!! 😉

I've lived with three men in my life and they've all been pretty useless when it comes to housework. I do pretty much all of it. My OH does cook (which he is very good at to give him his due) but will rarely wash up afterwards.

What do your partners do around the house? Not sure this is going to make me feel worse or better!!

My DH is older than me and retired before me. I told him since he's going to be at home and I'm working, he can do the housework. And he has done it, he could see the fairness in that and he also likes us to spend time together at weekends doing what we enjoy.

The house is clean enough, although I usually clean the bathroom once a week because he just can't see when it needs it. Also, he does the cooking so I wash up and I clean round the kitchen while I'm doing it. He's always done the cooking and I have had to chase him out of the kitchen or he'd wash up as well.

I'm about to retire now so I'm looking forward to doing more cooking and I'll expect us to go back to sharing the housework. There's a bit of a tendency for me to do the housework and him to do the garden, but I see gardening as a hobby rather than a chore like cleaning, so I usually insist we share both so I get to do some gardening.

In spite of all this, he still tends to ask me 'what needs doing?' It's as if it's invisible to him.

How often does he cook? Because you say you cook when you have the DC and you have them 50/50. And is cooking the only thing he does?

He certainly needs to do more at the weekend, and if he is home at 5.30 he can do stuff in the evening. Does he do anything with the DC?

If you have very little in common, and he doesn't do anything round the house, and doesn't sound as if he has much to do with the DC, what do you actually get from the relationship?

When I was A SAHM for a few years, I did more of the cleaning but DH did more of the cooking. He was capable of looking after himself before we got together and continues ng to do so. There's never a point where either one of us is doing something, like washing up or vacuuming and the other has their feet up. We both just get on and do what needs to be done. I now shop more and dust, and do laundry. He vacuums, irons and cleans the bathroom. We both cook and clear up the kitchen.

This guy doesn't want to step parent, for whatever reason he has. You're home all day and not working. Who is paying for everything? What will happen if you ask for more 'help' with all the housework generated by you and the boys? Whose house is it? Because if you're not working and you and your kids are dependent on your boyfriend, you have a lot more to worry about than who does the housework.

Doing majority during week seems ok
Shared at weekends

Prepare lunches and snacks for next day.

Oh, and stop enabling your 'boys'. Mine are a bit older, but at 8 and 11, they were capable of making their own snacks and preparing their own lunch (the 8-year-old with supervision).

My husband is in the military so he's used to ironing, cleaning and being very organised etc. I'm currently on mat leave with our baby and he will still come home do dishes, clear up, put washing on, sometimes even cook his fair share too. He's always been this way and I never have to ask him to do any of this he always does it off his own back. Don't know how I got so lucky!

@PiebaldHamster It's a rented house. He's paying the rent atm as I'm not in work. When I'm working we share finances.

What housework are you doing at the weekends that means you are not getting a break? It sounds like that's the real problem for you.
In your weekday scenario I'd expect him to be washing up while you deal with the kids, but it sounds like your situation is quite complicated. Are you expecting to be back in work soon? Any health issues obvs make things different too.
(Ps- in our house we split it evenly, and both do stuff as we see it. At the moment I'm having a grotty first trimester so have barely done anything for weeks)

@SoyDora They're not his children, he hasn't got any bio children of his own.

He does help with the kids tbf, my issue is really with the housework. I do think he's never really lived in an organised/tidy house before since leaving home and I wonder if it's about "re-training" his behaviours a bit if that makes any sense?

I work 24hrs a week, OH works 40hrs a week. We have 3 little boys. We are a team and do housework and chores together. He does 1 school pick up a week when I'm at work, I do all school drop offs and the other pick ups apart from one which Nanny does again while I'm at work. He usually finishes his shift around 11am, he's been up half of the night, but on my first day off of the week he will come home and help me finish blitzing the house basically so we can spend the next day off chilling together and enjoying some 'us' time. He cooks on the weekend and the evening I'm at work like tonight he made the kids tea and pancakes and I came home to some waiting for me! I washed up before getting the kids ready for bed. It does work out pretty equal, I'm lucky that it goes unsaid that we both contribute regardless of how many hours we each work.

When I was a sahm I did the majority 6 days a week. Every Sunday I used to take them to my mums which would leave him at home 8hrs with no kids under his feet, so it was agreed that he would have a thorough tidy up of whatever needed and hoover while we were out. I'd never get a day to myself let alone one a week so he would do his bit then stressfree!!

I wonder if it's not so much about who's doing the work but the way you treat each other.

I work PT and cover the majority of what you mention in my 2 days off. I suspect we generally are slobbier and live in much more mess than you do, so we spend less time on housework. However we both make a big effort not to take each other for granted, to notice and thank the other for doing stuff (naff, I know) and to step in and do things so that the other doesn't have to.

For example, I do most of the cooking, so DH makes a point of washing up. He would never expect me to wash up after I've cooked. I do sometimes, but he'd notice and say thank you. If we need to tidy at the weekend, either we'll do it together or one of us with do the football run while the other does the tidying. DH would never sit around faffing about while expecting me to do the housework at the weekend. However, cooking definitely counts as housework here, so a partner who does virtually all the cooking wouldn't be considered not to lift a finger or be expected to wash up.

Basically I'm not convinced my DH spends many more hours than yours does on housework a week, but our household feels different because we make a point of appreciating what the other does.

Also something in your posts makes me wonder if you run a very tight ship and your DH just has lower standards. If that's the case, I think a conversation about acceptable levels of clean is in order. You might need to compromise a bit to get his buy-in. We do way less cleaning now than we did when I was at home on mat leave, and we get on better for it.

My dh cooks every night as he’s in before me and enjoys and is good at it. I normally do the dishes.
He does all the food shopping. I tend to do the laundry and day to day tidying.
On a Saturday we spilt the cleaning. I’ve generaly only lived with competent men.

The way I see it...
Yes you may be physically in the house more but if you have young DCs at home with you... how on earth can you get anything done other than a bit of washing? Its not like you can leave them be while you scrub the bathroom is it?

My DH is a teacher and he doesn't have to clean his classrom whilst he's teaching, jist because he's in it. That's why they employ cleaners aswell as teachers.

My DH couldn't quite grasp that concept and casually and passively just left it all to me, filling his weekends with leisure activities and his evenings with down time. I took that as a message to hire someone to do it for us, because I'm not his maid.

My DH does very little around the house. He works ft, i work pt (about 28 hours plus paperwork at home) DH loves cooking but does it mainly as a hobby, mostly cooking things only he likes, regardless of whether i have already cooked a meal!! So that usually creates more work for me (clearing up ingredients and washing up) rather than helping. He won't ever put away clothes or even put in the laundry bin which is quite frustrating. Hes not good on what i consider maintenance cleaning but sometimes does sort of intensive cleaning like pulling out the bed and hoovering or moving bits of furniture but I'd rather he just learnt to put his clothes away on a daily basis!!😂

I do most as I work far less hours, but he does mow the lawn and diy, plus pays for our cleaner so I can't complain. Dh doesn't cook but has no issues with taking me out for dinner or ordering takeaway if I don't want to.

Christ @KrazyKatlady I think I'd be chucking his clothes in the bin in that scenario! That's so disrespectful!
And @anniehm if you work less to bring up his kids, unless he's using his leisure money to pay for the cleaner/takeaway and you are using equivalent amounts for whatever the heck you like, then it makes no sense to say he's paying. You are a joint venture once you have kids together, especially if someone is taking an income cut for the benefit of the household.

Hmm I think it's difficult. I assumed the children would be young an at home all day. But with two school age children who are old enough to not need constant supervision and you not working at all, I think it's fair you do the majority. I'm also struggling to understand how you have so much housework? You said it's a two bed so not lots of rooms to clean. Their father has them 50% of the time as well so when they're not in school they're at their dad's. How are you getting to the weekend and having to spend the entire time cleaning?
I am a single mum with a 2. 5 year old. She's in nursery 2 mornings a week and I can't get much done when she's here but I manage to keep on top of everything and have time to relax. Can yours sons help by tidying their own things? I just can't understand how there is so much to do that's you're literally cleaning 24/7

We both work the same hours but I still do the majority of housework, but I like doing it. If I didn’t do it he would. He still likes to announce to me though when he has done something like “I have cleaned the kitchen floor” (just stops short of adding “for you” on the end)😂😂😂

I wouldn't be in a relationship where the other person didn't pull their weight. I am a partner, not a servant.

We both work full time, we both cook, we both clean. I do the washing, he irons. We have both lived alone, so we are both perfectly capable of taking care of things without help.

I think it's really important.

If you can't get down time in the evenings and at weekends, then make some for yourself during the day. You don't have to spend all day every day cooking and cleaning.

I only work 20 hours, he does more like 70
DC older now
We have a cleaner. I have time to myself in the week, he doesn't so basically I do it all. He does some jobs that I don't like (bins/mowing lawn, putting sheets on)
I like being left on my own in kitchen to cook so send him off to relax at something
I am doing revision with DD for a bit after late dinner so he clears up kitchen.
When DC small, he'd bath them early evening while I did dinner, washing etc as I was better at that and got more done in the time than he would.
I get most done in the week so weekends free together or with DC or friends.
He likes supermarket shopping so does that for all heavy stuff or may go together at a weekend every so often. I do all meal planning

I do think we are used to different standards. I'm definitely not particular, but I do like things relatively tidy and organised. He's more laid-back than I am, definitely. His ex's have lived more "chaotic" lifestyles by all accounts which I am absolutely not saying is wrong, it's just not for me personally.

And it sounds counter-intuitive but I do think that perhaps now four of us in a two-bed makes things more difficult at times as space can be an issue.

Having said all of that, I am pointing out to him what needs doing and he does do it in on direct instruction. Would a chore rota for him and the kids be a good idea? Do you think it is genuine laziness or just that some people don't see it? I'm not sure...

I guess what I'm asking is it it OK for me to do everything at home and with kids etc because he's working atm and I'm not? I absolutely think it reasonable for me to do the majority in our current situation but does that mean he shouldn't help at the weekends for example? I just feel a bit drained and it's bringing my mental health down even further

I guess it depends if you have the same amount of leisure time. How many hours a week do you each have free?

I think it’s complicated by the fact that they are not his children. Some men in your situation think that in return for him financially supporting you and your kids, you should do all his share of the housework. And they don’t think they should do any childcare because they are not his.

IM NOT SAYING THIS IS RIGHT. Just that’s what some men think.

What did you agree about this when you decided to move in together ?

Does your children’s father pay child support ? How often do they stay with him ?

We both work full time and have no children at home, though he is technically contracted for more hours than me so expects me to do more but I’m studying part time so actually my workload is more. He has two time consuming hobbies. I never seem to be able to find the time/energy for anything.

I do all cooking, washing, bathrooms, kitchen, general tidying, dog walking and shopping. He is supposed to sort hoovering, bedding, dishes, bins and put all washing away that isn’t my stuff. He has to be asked to do all of the above. I don’t have particularly high standards but dishes not being washed for 3 days is nasty.

DSD is moving in with us shortly and I’m dreading it because I feel resentful about how much I do already and I can’t see the situation improving.

TBF if your kids are at school during the day, I see no reason as to why the housework shouldn't fall on you.

Unless you have a disability or illness which prevents this.

When I had heavy bleeding and severe morning sickness in pregnancy and DC1 was at school, I had to leave everything to DH even though I was at home all day. The strain almost broke him, but it's what had to happen.

If you are physically able, I think it falls on you. Perhaps your issue is more that he does not value your contribution? Also, there is no reason why he can't cook a meal or 2 at the weekends and wash up.