PLEASE HELP! WE ARE THE SMELLY FAMILY! WHAT CAN I DO??

[debka]

My mum just said that my house, me, DH and DDs have a distinctive and not-entirely-pleasant smell. DD1 is 3 and my mum is worried that she will be The Smelly Girl in school :(

I am horrified at this. I had no idea.

DDs are small and I am a SAHM. I probably don't clean enough- probably a good going over once every 3 weeks a fortnight. Clothes all washed frequently. Girls bathed daily, I shower every other day.

DH, however, is another matter. He has a wash and cleans his teeth every day, but only showers about once a month, if that. Underwear changed daily, t-shirt probably twice a week. I don't notice him smelling, but apparently he does :( I will talk to him about it but I doubt he will do anything. If I get the house and linen etc in tip top sparkly condition will he infect it all with smelliness? :(

Please, any ideas, advice, encouragement very welcome.

Good luck OP - and what a lovely mum you have. I just wanted to say that I had a flatmate in uni who absolutely reeked. His room smelled disgusting... He didn't have a towel for the first fortnight and just dried himself on his t shirt then put the same t shirt on. BUT he did shower daily and he still smelled.

You know how normal people shower and the bathroom smells faintly of showergel? If you had a shower after him, despite him taking shampoo/shower gel into the shower, the shower would smell of him and not the cleaning products. I think he was just an ineffective washer. My point is that you mustn't be downhearted if you don't notice a change immediately with your DH - keep persevering and I hope everything gets better.

I am a pretty clean person but I also married someone who was shit with his own personal hygiene. He used to shower once a week but barely ever brushed his teeth. He is also very stubborn and I also got used to his smelliness. In the end though I got sick of his manky teeth. I sat him down, cried a bit and said I felt like he didn't respect me enough to be clean. I said that I did not feel attracted to him as he didn't take care of himself and the fact that he expected me to kiss him with disgusting teeth and bad breath was upsetting. He was upset by my words yes and just admitted that he had never been made to keep clean by his mother so was just not in the habit. So for a few weeks I reminded him every day to shower, deodorise and clean his teeth. Now he wouldn't think twice about doing it. It is funny how things become a habit. Tell him how you feel. How is your personal hygiene by the way?

Hi debka, it is much better that your mum told you this now, so you can sort it out long before your dc start school.

For you, and your dh, daily baths/showers are a must - do whatever you need to do heater-wise in the bathroom to make this happen. We all bathe/shower daily in our house - it is basic hygiene. I wear perfume every day. I find a bath before bed or a shower in the morning just the thing - totally relaxing. For dh daily shower/hair wash/deodorant/brush teeth/mouthwash are essential to him. He works in the city and it's just not acceptable to be anything other than well-groomed in his job.

Drying clothes indoors and never opening windows will be contributing to the damp problem. If your house smells, your clothes and hair will smell faintly too, although you may well be used to smell and not notice it. I know how you feel, as our cellar is damp and the smell invades our lounge when the weather is wet. (This will be sorted eventually, cellar needs damp-proofing but will cost £1000's. Will be fab when it's sorted though!) When we returned from a 2 week holiday the whole downstairs reeked of damp, so it is amazing the difference that cleaning/window opening and scented candles do make.

We also have a lovely labrador who can get a bit whiffy too - I find scented candles good here too. Most smell really strong, but I've found a couple that I like and have lit when I know people are coming over. Look out for Glade 'zen' something or other - it's lovely. My best friends are under strict instructions to tell me if I ever start to smell of 'dog' as I'm so paranoid about it! So far I'm apparently still fine and fragrant. :)

From the photos on your profile your house looks nice - I think if you sort out the above you be fine. And change those sheets every week. Get carpets cleaned or use that shake & vac? The citrus one's quite nice.

I have had to speak to a number of people in my job about smelling. Often I find people will say they shower daily, but the smell comes from not washing clothes often enough. Its not just underwear, but coats, jumpers, etc can all smell if not washed often enough.

And if you are cuddling up with your unclean dp in bed and then not showering in the morning, then yes you could smell from him.

You also need to change towels at least once a week.

This thread is making me paranoid :(

But yes, depression and poor hygiene are very closely linked. What's the point of looking after yourself when you have zero self worth? If it won't make you feel better about yourself, why bother. If you hate yourself, being clean won't make any difference.

That is what goes through my head, anyway. I like having showers, I know they refresh me and wake me up, but I still have to force myself to do it because I am terrible at looking after myself. I am my lowest priority.

Also if you don't get taught these things by your parents as a child it is actually quite hard to make it habit as an adult.

If it is depression causing this, Debka, please be kind when you are being firm. :)

If you think he can cope, why not show your dh this thread so he can see the reactions to his habits? It might make him realise that you are not being unreasonable. Bleeurgh seems to be the general response!!

Debka good for you for taking all this on board.

No way do you need to clean your bathroom/kitchen every day.

One other thing I thought of - pet food. In a warm home this can start to smell quite quickly, I have this problem in summer. If you're in the habit of leaving pet food down, maybe start just putting it down for the dog's meal then clearing it away once he's eaten what he wants.

My sil has very smelly feet and occasionally you catch the smell which is horrid.
He showers twice a day, wears 100% cotton socks and uses a Dr Scholl spray in his shoes/trainers.
He's aware of it but I don't know what he can do in order to eradicate the smell.
Your first dos feet only get washed once a month?
Could it be his feet?

debka, while I agree with others that your DH should shower more often, I don't think your DC are smelling because of him. It's your house. If it is mouldy, everything will smell - including otherwise clean clothes. So this is the problem that needs to be sorted out. No drying clothes indoors, air the house regularly. If you can, I would recommend getting a dehumidifier and most likely you will also some products to kill the mould where possible.

Sorry, just took a peek at your pics, and your house looks cleaner and tidier than mine!! Did your mum say exactly how it smelt? Maybe that would help identify it. I know how horrible it is when someone criticises your home - but if you really feel that she's right, then you're doing the right thing by taking action. I also know what it's like to have a DH who doesn't wash properly - my XP was like that, and it was because he was depressed, but wouldn't face it, or go and get help.
Perhaps you could use this opportunity to gently bring up the subject of his depression with him? It's now something that is affecting all of you - and when you're depressed it's kind of like the beginning of self-neglect to not wash. Maybe if he can make himself wash more regularly it might help him just a little to start thinking on the up? Hope that makes sense, and good luck, it's really not easy to support someone with depression.

I've had to have a convo with someone about their personal hygiene before, teeth brushing in this case. Much like AngryFeet, I said how unattractive it was to me and how unfair of him it was to expect me to put up with unpleasant breath. It took some reminding at first but it worked in the long run.

I really wonder how your OH doesn't have a sore bum

toomuch has a good idea.

OP how do you feel about being intimate with your DH? Do you not find his smell off-putting? If nothing else I would have thought the stance of "Bad smells put me off wanting to have sex" would have worked

house needs to be aired every day.

I once read that children need to be outside for a minimum of 30 minutes a day (fresh air, for health) , and their bedrooms need to be aired every day (preferably window open for an hour).

You can build it into your routine. For example, after I drop the kids off at school and come back home, I open all the windows for an hour or so, even in winter (heating off). Or if I am working, I do it for about 30 minutes before we leave the house. I also air the duvets on sunny days (the sun and fresh air kill dust mites, bugs and smells)

You can really notice if you don't do this..

Also, take your children out and smell their hair after an hour outside, the difference is noticeable. I love the way my kids smell after an outdoorsy day. It smells of fresh hay or something, nice.

My sister used to have a BF that only showered once a week, the smell lingered for hours after he had been in the room. He sat on my sofa for an hour one evening and i could still smell it in the material days lays later. Sister was with him all the time so didn't notice, and started to smell too.

Try the softly-softly approach but if he still refuses lay down the law.

Good luck debka. You sound really nice and you have had some good thoughts here. I wouldn't go too mad though, I don't clean/hoover/change beds nearly as often as some here, and I'm pretty confident my house doesn't smell. I reckon DH is the key.

However I have been inspired by this to spend my morning cleaning mould off my walls.

Right everyone.

I spoke to DH last night about this, as gently as possible, but I did ask him to shower more often. He is in a proper grump this morning and isn't speaking to me. However I don't mind about this because it means I've been able to get on and have a good tidy up and a vacuum. He has gone out now so I've opened all the windows. It feels bloody marvellous to have some air in the house.

Thinking about this more, I think he may have some mild MH issues. He is odd about draughts. He actually just built an entire lobby in our house to exclude the draughts from the front door. This morning all he has done is tell DD1 off for opening the new door- it lets the cold air out. I hadn't realised how weird and oppressive this is until this morning when I opened the windows and let the air in. Everything feels and smells so much fresher and nicer. DD1 is playing outside having a glorious time. It might be uncomfortable for him but I'm damned if I'm living in a damp hot fetid house any more. I feel like I've seen the light.

Thanks everyone for your saying my house looks clean and tidy in profile pictures- it is actually, it's just this bloody no fresh air obsession of DHs, I'm sure of it.

Your house does look clean and tidy, and your kitchen is lovely. Get MrMinger in the shower daily, and open those windows :)

that's strange debka, do you know why he is so obsessed with draughts? Are his parents the same, or the extreme opposite maybe?

My DH is a bit of a grump in winter when it comes to leaving doors open within the house, as it lets the heat out, but it is entirely due to keeping the electricity bill down - he is the same about leaving lights on. I just roll my eyes at him and get on with it - but DH would never be so extreme as to avoid airing the house out, and we aren't the cleanest of people. If your DH is being so obsessed as to control what the rest of you are doing, it is quite worrying.

Why is DH in a strop with you for suggesting more showers? I've lost a bit of sympathy for him now. Most people I know who struggle with self-care really do know that they should be doing more.

Does he actually get outside much himself?

the kitchen where DD1 is making mince pies is my mums. Mine is the one with DD2 in the bouncer.

I wouldn't have much sympathy with DH. He needs to pull his finger out. He goes out for a fag every hour or so (the smell is not cigarette smoke though, before anyone says anything!), and can occasionally be persuaded for a walk but he is pretty sedentary and lazy tbh.

Well done! Your house looks well kept and your cleaning schedule not too bad as long as you keep on top of stuff as you go along. I think it was kind of your mum to mention it and you've reacted really well. The prob is the lack of airing and DH not showering I would say. I would encourage him to have a shower every day and also speak to the doctor about possible depression.

Laundry needs to be dried on line or tumble dryer or turned regularly on radiators/clothes horse indoors to make sure you dont get damp, warm clothes breeding bugs which smell like old floor cloths. I notice that smell a lot - dp thinks I'm neurotic sensitive

This stuff is great for cleaning mould & mildew off. You can get it from Lakeland or B&Q - I bought it after a MNer recommended it, it's really good. Smells slightly bleachy though so another good reason to have the window open :)

I'm making more of an effort to open windows lately too, it seems wrong when it's chilly, but we have warm clothes, and the house does smell nicer. It must be lovely to feel the fresh air circulating after being closed up in stale air for so long.

I also had an X whose personal hygiene standards were somewhat lax. He would go weeks without brushing his teeth, I don't actually know how he still had any!

As others have said, well done for taking action and taking a difficult thing so well. You mum will be so pleased!

One last thing - slippers! Throw everyone's out, buy new and enforce a socks with slippers rule. Slippers worn with bare feet (especially dirty feet) reak really fast.

Just out of curiosity op - what does your dh do? Does he ever meet customers/clients face to face? If so this could be losing him some work if he is a bit whiffy.

Do you have an airing cupboard/ tumble dryer? If not I suggest looking at one of the lakeland heated airers. Yup they aren't cheap but it could double up as you could dry laundry in the bathroom and this would also heat it up. Generally too Bathrooms are better for coping with steam etc.

Good luck, I used to work with someone who always smelt of wee because of her laundry. It was horrible and was a sign of her laundry being put away damp. Also nappies, they do honk and really need to go in a bin outside where possible. You home if very warm will be making that smell worse

I am sure the washing thing is a depression thing too, or exacerbated by it, my bf dh has suffered badly from this and he is useless at brushing teeth, washing, even deodorant.