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Original poster

Calling all hoarders out there......why?

916 replies

muriel76 · 10/08/2011 17:10

My DH is a bit of a hoarder. Some of his family are the same but particularly his mum, she seems to keep everything. They both like to also display pointless things ie books that will never be/never have been read etc.

Don't get me wrong, it is not a big deal or anything but I do want to understand why. It's hard to understand as my mum is the complete opposite and I am the same. DH and I have agreed to give the house (another!) big clear out and it would help me to hear a hoarder's view!

(Obviously I have talked with him about it many times BTW, I am just looking for other people's more neutral insights)

Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 25/08/2011 15:14

I've got an amstrad.
The Escape key doesn't work.
I was trying to get Ex to sort it out for me, but unfortunately, he still hadn't done it when i left.
I don't want to chuck it out, because it is useful (emulators are not the same!) if i can get it fixed.

i might have to go round to the computer shop next door and get them to fix it.

this is the only thing i'm not moving on! Grin

Solo · 25/08/2011 19:37

Nick I have a very capable friend if you want me to have a word? and we're not a million miles apart as we live near M25 j1. He's very reasonable too :)

We don't live together! he's a mate, not a mate. and he's a hoarder too!!!

AngelDog · 26/08/2011 00:00

This has been a fascinating thread - a big well done to all of you who have been managed to shift some stuff. :)

I have mild hoarding tendencies but I do enjoy a good clear out every so often when I'm in the mood.

I know someone else mentioned it a couple of pages back, but taking photos has really helped me get rid of things I was hanging onto for sentimental reasons. That way I can remember them but still get them out of my life.

I'm a what-if-it's-useful person too and I spent HOURS and HOURS scanning all my uni & teacher training notes into the computer before we moved house so we didn't have to shift the box files - I spent about an hour a day doing it every day or so for about 6 months. Of course, 7 years later, I've not referred to any of it again. Blush

Holding onto things I want to sell is my current problem - the pile just expands. Hmm

Solo · 26/08/2011 00:24

Angel that's just how I am generally...my to sell pile was massive, but I've dropped most of it at the charity shop...I have found two more big bags of stuff today that I thought were gone, but haven't and I'll go through them (again!!!) tomorrow and see what will be taken up there again. I'm really trying. I went through the kids wardrobes today and now there's virtually nothing in them; mainly because they are all in the Chinese laundry, dumping pit, fire hazzard...tick all three or delete any of the above dining room, but I have another small pile to go to the charity shop from their room.

I've got just 2 weeks before the ADT man comes to service my alarm and I don't want to have to rearrange the appointment again.

AngelDog · 26/08/2011 00:29

That sounds like quite an achievement, Solo. :)

Yes, I think I just need to take a load of the stuff down to the charity shop.

greencolorpack · 26/08/2011 00:49

Haven't read the whole thread I'm afraid. My sister is a hoarder, I am not. From the way I see it, she lacks an efficient decision making process. If it's me, I think "There's a pile of newspapers taking up space in my house - I will never get round to reading it - I will chuck." So I chuck and feel better. My sister has a desk for her private projects, like learning languages. She told me she can't use her desk because it's covered in months and months of Sunday newspapers she's religiously bought but hasn't the time to read. I said to her "Why not get a black bag and chuck them out?" She replied all serious-like "I NEVER throw away a newspaper when I haven't read it yet." It seemed to make no nevermind that demand to buy has outstripped ability to process all that paper. For me it's a simple "Can I be bothered with all that paper - no. So chuck." But she can't seem to hold a big picture in her head all at once ie "I want to read the papers" vs "I want a tidy desk so I can reach my study goals." She is the same in the kitchen, she owns about a million mugs all with nice colourful images on them. I was with her in a charity shop once. She saw a mug "Its got Cadbury's Milk Chocolate logo on it! I want it." She said. I said, "Do you need it? Do you have room for it? Haven't you already got like a million mugs?" And her answer was "It's got Cadbury's Milk Chocolate logo on it!" - as if to say - case closed - no other reason will be able to compete with the glorious purpleness of the chocolate logo.

After a while she stopped herself buying new things at charity shops and instead starting buying charity shop tat for myself and children. So we had to see her along with about five massive placcy bags of tat (none asked for or wanted). She came along to a concert my children were in once, and the first thing she did was to try and give me this massive placcy bag even though she expected me to take it up onstage for the second half of the show, like I needed a big placcy bag on stage with me!! - And she was all about giving us stuff rather than saying "Well done, I liked the show." It becomes all about her giving stuff rather than us receiving something we actually want. I sent her an email saying, don't give us anything else, and she managed that for about one visit, now she's back to coming round my house with massive bags of food and obscure drinks. She means well, it bothers my dh more than it does me, I just process and put 95 per cent of it all straight in the bag for charity.

Solo · 26/08/2011 00:49

It's really hard to do it Angel. I took 6 big bin liners full of clothing to sell at one of those 'we'll give you an instant pittance for your good, but unwanted clothing' places, but it'd gone. It was originally going to be ebayed Hmm, but I knew that if I took it all back home to do that again, it'd still be there in a years time, so I took it all to a charity shop instead! have freecycled Ds's old school blazers and a pair of trousers today...2 complete moses baskets and stands a couple of days ago...but it's still chaos here :(

Solo · 26/08/2011 00:55

Gcp, it's really hard being a hoarder and those that aren't can't possibly understand those of us that are...unless you try to of course and be kind. This thread has turned into a bit of a support thread and maybe your Dsis could do with some support and understanding from you...?!

DiamondDoris · 26/08/2011 01:18

I'm divorcing a hoarder, he made my life hell with his dusty worthless junk. I sometimes felt he cared more for old receipts than his family (me and the DC). Our house always looked a tip and he'd rummage through bins and take out what I'd thrown away. I believe it is OCD, a mental problem that needs therapy/CBT of some kind but he refused and refuses to think he has a problem. Well, he can fester in it as far as I'm concerned.

DiamondDoris · 26/08/2011 01:21

A real hoarder is someone who sees value/worth in junk (like old bits of paper/tupperware/plastic bags), not people who like things like photos/ornaments or who collect hedgehogs for example. That's what I think anyway. But there is a fine line...

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 26/08/2011 07:15

Gcp - I could be your sil by the sounds if it. Although I don't hand out bags of crap. The newspaper thing is so true. When I had dd I ended up with such a pile if papers dh and I regularly had fights about them. I cancelled the evening paper, then I cancelled the morning one. But I couldn't cancel the Sunday paper. At one point to try and 'fix' the situation I went through and pulled out all the supplements I wanted to read and threw the rest. I can't remember what triggered me to get rid if them completely but I no longer buy any newspapers. I miss Sunday mornings in bed with a cuppa and the paper. But have locked it away as a pre-dd memory.

I also have lots of mugs, including a choc one. But I don't buy them. Why throw them away? If I do I can guarentee that a load of my nice ones will be broken and I'll have no mugs left. Although I did throw away my cadburys choc chunk mug, you know the one shaped like a piece of choc? When I was cleaning out a kitchen cupboard the other week. I must admit it did sit there for a few days whilst I decided what to do with it, and yes I checked eBay Blush

My dad was my hero hoarder, he had room to keep everthibg he wanted too and and therefore it never looked like he was a hoarder. He even denied being a hoarder. Mum now sees he was after having to start the process of going through his stuff. Think she's even been suprised. But I knew where I got it from, even when he'd tell me off Grin. My mum has even commeted recently how I have zero storage in my house.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 26/08/2011 07:16

Sorry that was long.

greencolorpack · 26/08/2011 07:28

Solo I am supportive of my sister, I sweated blood over sending that email to her and my argument with her was that I loved her and wanted to see her irrespective of the bags of stuff she brought. My sister is like my dad, insecure about relationships so overcompensates by buying flashy gifts all the time etc.

Babieseverywhere · 26/08/2011 07:53

Maybe we should ask Mumsnet Towers to change the name of this thread, so people don't have to read the thread and notice that this is now a support thread, rather than a 'slag of random relation who struggles with decluttering' which the current title suggest. Just a thought.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 26/08/2011 08:18

Or we could start a new one?

Babieseverywhere · 26/08/2011 08:32

Yep, new thread might work better, what does everyone else think ?

greencolorpack · 26/08/2011 08:48

Lovebeingathome, a hoarder with lots of storage space is the best way to go. I know someone with piles and piles of sheet music but its all neatly filed away.

Babieseverywhere I don't like your tone. I read the Op and wrote a relevant response to the op. I love my sister and wasn't slagging her off, just trying to explain her mindset as nest I can. Am posting from a mobile phone. Sorry if I'm lazy not reading SEVENTEEN pages of thread in order to fine tune my response taking into account all the Subtle nuances of the golden nuggets of composition that is this epic thread.

Lexilicious · 26/08/2011 09:02

My fault for getting the thread moved - perhaps more traffic - but I support carrying on here, and I think the more blunt responses from GCP and DiamondDoris are relevant. What they've written are honest approaches to hoarding relatives and either as a hoarder or helping someone, it's worth being aware of what people think. (As long as they aren't personal attacks on someone on the thread...!)

DD, I disagree with your characterisation between collectors and hoarders. It's not as simple as that; I for one think you're keeping old memories and until I married/moved in with DH I had no need to see it from a cohabiter's POV of how much space the crap was taking up. Now I have to reprioritise I am dealing with it but not wedded to the crap. However there are other 'collections' which will be more difficult, and large things which we've just accumulated.

The hoarding thread in feminism topic which I first started commenting on was interesting in exploring whether the 'shame' of hoarding is more often felt by the woman, even if the hoarder is the man. Although you might feel you have a problem together as a couple and will work on it together, "other people" may tend to judge only the woman on the state of the house. I feel this, but in my case more of the problem is my stuff, and DH is taking part and supporting the decluttering together with me. Although I kicked it off.

Poshbaggirl · 26/08/2011 09:02

Green, it's ok! We ARE a funny, sensitive little bunch. It obvious you are supportive of your sister and telling her you love her and want to see her anyway is thoughtful and understanding. Smile
You are welcome here!

Poshbaggirl · 26/08/2011 09:05

I dont understand the gender thing????Confused
Its so totally not gender related. That is so weird. Typical feminists saying arent men all crapHmm

greencolorpack · 26/08/2011 09:09

Thanks Poshbaggirl, I just feel a bit bemused that I say things and people don't believe me, because if I say I love my sister, I do, how can people on here say otherwise??? It's like my other thread where people accuse me of hating single women and I don't hate single women. If we are not trusted in our own testimony of ourselves, the point of communication seems to be gone. Anyway sorry for off topic rant.

greencolorpack · 26/08/2011 09:14

Good points Lexilicious.

DiamondDoris · 26/08/2011 09:54

We are all hoarders - to a degree - our stuff is tied up in who we are, without stuff we don't feel so alive. And as I said earlier a little hoarding/collecting is fine, if it doesn't start complicating your life, living on the floor because it hasn't got a home and so on. It IS difficult to know what to hold onto and let go, but I'd say if it isn't beautiful, useful, or the item gives us warm memories then it's time to throw it away.

Babieseverywhere · 26/08/2011 10:07

greencolorpack, I wasn't talking about you or anyone in particular, just what happens whenever a long thread changes aspects half way through, people pop on for ages afterwards, answering the OP and not what the conversation has developed into.

greencolorpack · 26/08/2011 10:09

It's hard to find the motivation to read 17 pages. There I said it. Sorry.