Shouting!

[Frogletmamma]

DD has just started a selective secondary school from a laid back primary. How can I stop her and DH yelling at each other when it comes to homework (they are both pretty obstinate and I like quiet!)

Get DH to do some parenting classes. He is the adult, she is the child.

I should perhaps expand.

Your dd has started a new school, with new rules and new social settings. She has to find her place amongst people she will have to spend the next 5 to 7 years with. This, to her, is more important than some exams half her present lifetime away. She is working hard, really hard, every day at school on precisely this and it is tiring. My dd is now in her GCSE year and is not as tired now as in the first term of year 7.

Everyone tends to parent in the same way as their parents. But there are so much better ways out there if you look. Start by listening to your dd rather than telling her.

Sorry for the abruptness of my previous post.

He needs to understand that yelling at her about homework just won't work and is likely to make her dig her heels in more, so it is counterproductive.

She has to want to do it herself, and having got into a selective school I would think that she does. Everyone works differently. She doesn't work in the same way as he clearly does/did. He can't force her to do things his way.

Tell him that. Tell him to leave her alone. It should be no skin off his nose how she tackles homework, as long as she does. Even if she doesn't, she will suffer the consequences at school and then you will have the tools you need to speak to her and find a way forward.

My Dad had the potential to be somewhat like this. I understand that he was held back by my mother much more than I realised at the time.

Tell DH to back off and pipe down. Otherwise he will cause the exact opposite of what he is trying to achieve. Mean it. Have a quiet word with your DD about how she thinks she works best. Ensure that she understands that the pace of things has picked up now. Ask how she is coping and how she feels you could best support her.

If she says that she needs to be left alone to get on quietly with her homework then tell DH firmly to leave her alone and see how things go for now.

Can you clarify: are they shouting at each other about the need to do homework ("get off the computer, and get on with your work!") or is it impatience / miscommunication when actually helping with a homework task ("Dad, that's not how the teacher told us to do it!").

Those need different strategies to address.

Hi Dad no its mainly...time to get off the Ipad and do some homework-otherwise she leaves it till the last possible minute.

Yes, a familiar scene...

I usually try to express it a different way. So, I will ask "what time are you going to start your X homework?" That gives them some control and helps them plan coming off a screen as we all now how hard it can be to extricate yourself from a game or a video.

Of course, there may need to be negotiation eg "no, you'll need to start it sooner because Y needs to happen at 8 o'clock", but once we've agreed a time then I know I can (try to) be firm about it happening (but no need to shout).

Also, if I'm honest, it's also about accepting you need to relinquish some control as a parent. You or your DH might be someone who likes to get the work done ASAP. If your child has a plan that will get it done even if it's not the way you would organise your work, then it's a chance to give them that bit of independence.

I don't always get it right, but that's my suggestion.