Is home-edding for us??

[noodle6]

I have been considering home-ed for the past 2 or 3 years now, but I think I just don't have the confidence to do it.

At first I thought it would be good to make a decision based on what my daughter's feelings were towards school, but I've found that asking a 7 year old about school and getting answers out of them is hard. For instance, some days she'd tell me she hated school because none of her "friends" wanted to play with her and she got picked on and she didn't like the subject her teacher was doing (she likes writing, but she didn't like the topic her teacher wanted her to write about, which was about "polar regions", and unfortunately for the entire term their class was just focusing on "polar regions" so she didn't have much of a choice). Other days she tells me she loves school - seemed like it was because everything went well for her, she had nice playtimes and friends that day, and the teachers taught something she found interesting. Whenever I ask her would you miss school if I took you out of school and decided to educate you at home, she'd say "no" every single time. At her age I don't think her friendships in school are stable. From what she says, her friends come and go like the weather, and during school holidays if I ask her "do you miss school?" or "do you miss your friends" she'd always say no.

Saying that, she is a skinny, pale, bespectacled, shy, quiet child whose favourite pursuits are clearly writing, drawing and art. Without encouragement from anyone, she would happily get out her paper and pencils/crayons/pens and sit at the table after coming home from school or during holidays, and write and draw furtively for hours on end all by herself at the table. She is 7 but she has the reading level of a 10 or 11 year old and frequently uses the local library for books to borrow home. She loves the library. In short I'd say she would probably fit the stereotypical "nerd" or "weird arty type"... well, she does often complain to me that she gets teased by these 2 same boys in her class every other day or so. They also like to chase after her at PE and break times just so they can hit her on the head (and whoever happens to be her "friend" that day). Teasing her is routine. Basically it ranges from saying "her eyes are full of shit and that's why she wears spectacles", to saying "she farts and poos all day" to bordering on the racist "hahaha your mum isn't white.." type of "jokes", which my daughter finds quite annoying sometimes, but luckily she does have a sense of humour about the situation and laughs along with them most times.

She doesn't hate everything about school though. She seems to like the teachers but she doesn't think of her friends in school as people she couldn't live with.

My DH isn't very supportive of home-edding. Basically he's saying that he doesn't think my personality is suitable for it. I don't have a very calm, cool personality. I do get very passionate about things, especially in subjects that are important to me. He thinks school is the best thing. But I feel that on the principle level, there are so many things about school I just don't agree with - the one-size-fits-all approach to education and growing up I found it hard to fit in with school myself. I don't think school is necessary in order for one to get to Uni, because of personal experience. And I think since my daughter isn't very attached to her friends in school she really wouldn't miss much in terms of social life since she isn't the sort who likes having lots of friends anyway and already has friends of her own outside of school (granted its a really small bunch - 2 good girl friends outside of school). I'm at this point now where the more I hear my daughter tell me about her experience in school, the more frustrated I feel.

I'm not exactly a very confident parent. I am always doubting myself and whether what I want for my children is the right thing for them. I see other parents just make decisions for their children without needing to "consult" with them and their children seem to do whatever it is their parents decide for them, unlike me, I often feel the need to "consult" with my children and find out what they want/not want and then make my decisions from there... but granted they are young, sometimes I wonder if the approach I'm using is really useful.

Does anyone have any advice for me and whether home-edding is the right thing for me? I've tried googling for any advice on the Internet about how to decide if home-edding is the right thing for you as parent, but all I get is whether its the right thing for your child - and I'm pretty sure my daughter would take to it very well. Also I am a very shy person and don't have a big network of friends with children with whom I can provide my daughter with frequent opportunities to socialise, and we don't live near family so family support is out. There seems to be a good few parents home-edding in our community, and there are monthly meet-ups. However I've heard of one parent leaving the group because he has witnessed his young son being bullied by a gang of older home-edded boys at the meet-up.

My daughter is already attending ballet classes on Saturdays and she enjoys it. I'm not sure if that counts as a true socialising event since its not like they have play-time during the one hour class.
She tried joining one local Brownies group but sadly decided to stop going after 3 times as she failed to make a single friend or fit herself into the group and she found it extremely boring and awkward as a result. I have to admit I am sometimes worried for her that she will always have this problem of not being able to fit in/socialise. Come to think of it, I've always had the same problem, just not as severe as my daughter's as I have always managed to get by with a few friends no matter what setting... just that I'm just not a really social person by heart and don't really have the inclination to gain lots of friends... I'm happy with the few that I consider as "true friends". This is also another worry of mine that's making me hesitant about home-edding as I'm wondering if it would just make things worse for her on the social front.

Any advice ??

'eclectic' is a great term I think lots of people end up somewhat eclectic, tbh, because that is often what suits the family dynamic rather than being doctrinaire.

@ SDeuchars : I tried to contact you privately re : the sample ed phil but wasn't able to. Is there any other way of doing this? I'd love to see more samples of ed phils in order to get more of an idea of what works. Would really appreciate it

Send an email to [email protected] and that'll get to me.

I'm wondering if I should oblige in case the authority wants an annual report from me. I've heard another home-edder in my area say that she chose to meet up with the LA a few weeks ago and the man came across as really engaging and chatty and that she and her home-edded daughter had no problems getting along with him (although that might just be them - who knows how me and my DD might get along with the man? I'm not making any assumptions now that its going to be okay if we met up with him!)

I am concerned that she mentioned he has recommended contact with them again in a years' time to see how they're getting on. This sounds to me like the LA might only be satisfied if contact is continued on a yearly basis at least?? If so, (and I don't want to get in trouble with them if I can help it), might it help if I offer a yearly report rather than meeting up??

btw what is a yearly report supposed to look like?? Is it just a compilation of a selection of work the child has done, or is it a parent-written report of what the parent and/or the child has done over the course of one year, complete with work samples?? also, if you send any of your child's work off to the LA, do they return the work back to you??

This sounds to me like the LA might only be satisfied if contact is continued on a yearly
basis at least??

That is irrelevant. Basically, even nice LAs will often take as much as you give them. If you are tough from the beginning, they will not take advantage. People find that if they agree to a visit, then they will be asked for one every year; if they say they'll submit a report (maybe a couple of years down the line), that turns out to be sufficient.

The important thing to remember is that YOU are in charge here. They have NO duty to monitor. Their ONLY duty (s437) is if they think that you are failing to provide an education. At that point, they can ask the question and you can satisfy them - a court would only ask for evidence at the time it goes to court (not three months earlier or what will happen in three months). The LA cannot ask (well, they can but should not) for a higher standard of evidence.

However, in the interests of not being hassled and haveing to go to court to challenge an SAO, it is better to give them some information (to prevent them seeing an appearance of failure).

In your place, I would send a letter saying that you'll send a report in October. In October, send a report setting out your ed phil, statement of provision and list of resources (see examples I've sent you). At the end, ask them if they have any reason to believe you are not providing an education (as defined by s7) and to let you know what that reason is, so that you can answer it. Assuming you have not said you are locking your DD in a cupboard for 6 hours a day and that your statement of provision matches your ed phil, they will not be able to give valid reasons so youo will get no answer.

Next year, when they ask for an update (as they almost certainly will), send them something even shorter, referring to your ed phil (or updating it if you want to) and stating that you continue to fulfill your s7 duty. You could give a small amount of detail of activities your DD has done in that year.

After that, if they ask for an update, you could simply respond saying that you are continuing to fulfill your s7 duty (as per reports in 2010 and 2011) and could they please let you know of any concerns they have in line with s437.

[This, of course, assumes that nothing changes in law in the next two years.]

btw what is a yearly report supposed to look like??

Many EHE parents take the line that the work belongs to the child and that the child does not give permission for it to be shared, therefore they do not show work. Many of us, of course, do not have written work to share. The LA have no duty to monitor your child's education. What would they do with your child's work? Show it to Ofsted to improve their own rating? How does that help you or your child? The LA have no budget to provide any help to you, so why should you give them any information?

Even nice EWOs who have the child's interests at heart and who like children are, in effect, rentseeking - they can harrass you as much as they like because they have a council badge (i.e., you pay their salary) but they cannot give you anything in return.

Thank you SDeuchars. The letter is now typed and sealed and will be posted off shortly!

I've been chewing over this for the past few days. Last Wednesday (8th July) I received yet another letter from the LA, dated the 5th July, re-iterating the same passages : "As you will be aware, the local authority is legally required to monitor the education you are providing... ... the important point is that children's services are able to make sure that DD is receiving an appropriate education and have the opportunity to monitor progress." except the difference from the first is that "As I have not been able to gain a response, if I have not heard from you before the end of July, I will have to consider that home education is not being provided and therefore take action with regard to possible non attendance"

The thing is, the response I'd already sent him to his first letter was also dated 5th July but sent on the 7th July and according to Royal Mail's tracking service had been received by his office and signed for at 10.18 am on the 8th July... So I'm guessing that he wrote and posted that second letter before receiving my reply to his first one.

So it appears our letters cross-posted... Am wondering now if I should wait for the LA's reply now and not do anything about the second letter?

As your letters crossed (and I think I'd be inclined to print the RM info, to prove you knew they crossed), I'd be inclined to ignore it.

It seems to me that he is unusually agitated. Your DD has been out of school only a couple of weeks and he is threatening action under s437 - said action to occur when every child in the country is not attending school. He's obviously bonkers.

You have responded now and have proof (royal mail tracking) so I'd be inclined to say wait for their next letter.

sorry you are having so much hassle with this noodle. I think the school has communicated with the LEA in such a way that they are reacting to you rather aggressively. Do hope it gets cleared up very soon and you can begin to relax and enjoy things

Got reply from him today.

"I can confirm that the LA does not have a statutory duty to monitor home education provision on a routine basis... ... However the DCSF guidance does initiate a "grey area" by using the word "routinely" and while the LAs only have a duty to act "if it appears that a suitable education is not being provided" (3:4 DCSF document 2007) the paradox remains, "How does the LA form a view of provision if it does not enquire?" An initial enquiry would not I believe be construed as routine monitoring.

Experience has shown that a very large majority of parents and carers who elect to home educate do so under some considerable level of stress and they really do welcome the opportunity to talk through the situation they face. They often do not know how to proceed and for most, this clarification empowers them to make decisions that are right for their circumstances.

I am therefore trying to ensure that the LA does not unnecessarily intrude while offering support and guidance if needed. Your letter clearly indicates that you do not wish such support however you do have my contact details should circumstances change or indeed you would like to discuss how you consider we could improve the way the LA tries to address home education."

Only thing now is that I have said in my letter that I will send him a report with my ed phil later in October but he hasn't mentioned it at all in his response. Wonder if that means he will back off now until he receives the report in October...

' the paradox remains, "How does the LA form a view of provision if it does not enquire?" '

There is no paradox: the LA are not required to form a view of your provision, any more than Social Services are required to form a view as to whether you are feeding your children adequately. They are only required to act if they have reason to believe your provision is unsatisfactory. In the absence of any evidence suggesting there is a problem, the LA has no duty to do anything.

But I think I am preaching to the choir. It sounds like you understand all of this, and it's only the LA "professional" who continues to misunderstand the law.

I'm glad you now have it in writing that they did not intend to "intrude" and were only offering support and guidance. If you are like many HE parents, you'll find the support and guidance of people with actual experience of home education - namely, HE support groups and other home educators - far more useful than support and guidance of an organisation whose business is school-based education!

at least they are backing off now. have you decided what you'll put in your EP?

Glad he clarified! Also that he is asking for your help. You could tell him you charge £30 per hour for consultancy fees to help him do his job.

BTW I agree with Saracen - the paradox is in his head.

I'd forget about them until they ask again in October (if they do).

I think he sounds alright actually noodle and not antagonistic. He will await your letter in October and you have plenty of time to prepare for that. I would switch off and enjoy the summer for now.

So glad the tense atmosphere has lifted and things seem clearer. It doesn't sound as if you are going to have any problems with him. From your posts on here, I think you'll easily reassure him that your dd is receiving a good education at home.

Yes hopefully it stays that way.
He's sent out a message through the local group saying that it wasn't him who wrote the letters, it was a colleague who was filling in for him while he was out of office - so clearly a training issue involved.
And yes I feel quite relieved now!

@MathsMadMummy : I've been trying to read as much as I can on autonomous education (time willing). Not sure what my ed phil will look like yet but we'll see ... ...

I seem to remember HErs on here linking to ed phils as a kind of standard letter you can use as a basis and then just adjust it as is relevant for you.

I really think it is all going to be alright now on the organisational side. How is it going for you? Are you happy inside with having made the change or unsure?

@ ZZZenAgain : I can see the benefits for my daughter and my family as a whole. We've grown closer, there's no denying that! Its hard work though with a 4 year old and a toddler who both demand attention at the same time as DD1, but we're learning every day together in our own ways. I'm quite glad we took this step - haven't thought about returning to school since we left it.