Is home-edding for us??

[noodle6]

I have been considering home-ed for the past 2 or 3 years now, but I think I just don't have the confidence to do it.

At first I thought it would be good to make a decision based on what my daughter's feelings were towards school, but I've found that asking a 7 year old about school and getting answers out of them is hard. For instance, some days she'd tell me she hated school because none of her "friends" wanted to play with her and she got picked on and she didn't like the subject her teacher was doing (she likes writing, but she didn't like the topic her teacher wanted her to write about, which was about "polar regions", and unfortunately for the entire term their class was just focusing on "polar regions" so she didn't have much of a choice). Other days she tells me she loves school - seemed like it was because everything went well for her, she had nice playtimes and friends that day, and the teachers taught something she found interesting. Whenever I ask her would you miss school if I took you out of school and decided to educate you at home, she'd say "no" every single time. At her age I don't think her friendships in school are stable. From what she says, her friends come and go like the weather, and during school holidays if I ask her "do you miss school?" or "do you miss your friends" she'd always say no.

Saying that, she is a skinny, pale, bespectacled, shy, quiet child whose favourite pursuits are clearly writing, drawing and art. Without encouragement from anyone, she would happily get out her paper and pencils/crayons/pens and sit at the table after coming home from school or during holidays, and write and draw furtively for hours on end all by herself at the table. She is 7 but she has the reading level of a 10 or 11 year old and frequently uses the local library for books to borrow home. She loves the library. In short I'd say she would probably fit the stereotypical "nerd" or "weird arty type"... well, she does often complain to me that she gets teased by these 2 same boys in her class every other day or so. They also like to chase after her at PE and break times just so they can hit her on the head (and whoever happens to be her "friend" that day). Teasing her is routine. Basically it ranges from saying "her eyes are full of shit and that's why she wears spectacles", to saying "she farts and poos all day" to bordering on the racist "hahaha your mum isn't white.." type of "jokes", which my daughter finds quite annoying sometimes, but luckily she does have a sense of humour about the situation and laughs along with them most times.

She doesn't hate everything about school though. She seems to like the teachers but she doesn't think of her friends in school as people she couldn't live with.

My DH isn't very supportive of home-edding. Basically he's saying that he doesn't think my personality is suitable for it. I don't have a very calm, cool personality. I do get very passionate about things, especially in subjects that are important to me. He thinks school is the best thing. But I feel that on the principle level, there are so many things about school I just don't agree with - the one-size-fits-all approach to education and growing up I found it hard to fit in with school myself. I don't think school is necessary in order for one to get to Uni, because of personal experience. And I think since my daughter isn't very attached to her friends in school she really wouldn't miss much in terms of social life since she isn't the sort who likes having lots of friends anyway and already has friends of her own outside of school (granted its a really small bunch - 2 good girl friends outside of school). I'm at this point now where the more I hear my daughter tell me about her experience in school, the more frustrated I feel.

I'm not exactly a very confident parent. I am always doubting myself and whether what I want for my children is the right thing for them. I see other parents just make decisions for their children without needing to "consult" with them and their children seem to do whatever it is their parents decide for them, unlike me, I often feel the need to "consult" with my children and find out what they want/not want and then make my decisions from there... but granted they are young, sometimes I wonder if the approach I'm using is really useful.

Does anyone have any advice for me and whether home-edding is the right thing for me? I've tried googling for any advice on the Internet about how to decide if home-edding is the right thing for you as parent, but all I get is whether its the right thing for your child - and I'm pretty sure my daughter would take to it very well. Also I am a very shy person and don't have a big network of friends with children with whom I can provide my daughter with frequent opportunities to socialise, and we don't live near family so family support is out. There seems to be a good few parents home-edding in our community, and there are monthly meet-ups. However I've heard of one parent leaving the group because he has witnessed his young son being bullied by a gang of older home-edded boys at the meet-up.

My daughter is already attending ballet classes on Saturdays and she enjoys it. I'm not sure if that counts as a true socialising event since its not like they have play-time during the one hour class.
She tried joining one local Brownies group but sadly decided to stop going after 3 times as she failed to make a single friend or fit herself into the group and she found it extremely boring and awkward as a result. I have to admit I am sometimes worried for her that she will always have this problem of not being able to fit in/socialise. Come to think of it, I've always had the same problem, just not as severe as my daughter's as I have always managed to get by with a few friends no matter what setting... just that I'm just not a really social person by heart and don't really have the inclination to gain lots of friends... I'm happy with the few that I consider as "true friends". This is also another worry of mine that's making me hesitant about home-edding as I'm wondering if it would just make things worse for her on the social front.

Any advice ??

!!
Got an EWO calling on my doorstep today. I refused him entry, absolutely refused him. So we just spoke via intercom (as I live in a flat). First he said the school had concerns about my decision to home ed, and would it be possible then to meet him in school? I said I am not going along to such a meeting. Put it in writing if you have something to say to me. Then he said "The thing is, what I have to say to you is quite difficult to put in writing." and then asked if he could ring me instead, and then asked for clarification of my home number. I asked him incredulously "Are you gonna ring me right now?" Then he said "Yeah, er, blah blah blah (at that point I was so annoyed I couldn't remember what else he said in reply)... But in response I said to him that I've had enough talks with the school, I feel home-ed is the best thing for my daughter, and that I've made my decision and am not changing my mind. I also added that as of yesterday my daughter was to be deregistered, and if I put in such a request the school has to comply. It is completely within my rights to ask for my child to be deregistered from school in order to home educate her. Then I repeated that if he has anything to say, he must put everything in writing and then we'll go from there.

With that he said okay and left.

Phew!! What was that all about?!

We went to the local home-ed meeting anyway, but we went by taxi as I thought perhaps I shouldn't risk being seen walking on the streets and waiting at bus stops with a school age child just in case the EWO is still lurking around on the streets around our place... Perhaps I was being paranoid, but I really didn't expect them to call at my doorstep unnannounced one day after deregistration. What made them do that? The headteacher??

We are in day 2 and apart from the EWO officer's visit which shook me up a bit, we have had a fun day. The children had a great time, and when we came back they made some drawings and DD1 did some creative writing of her own accord. Three full A4 size pages of words.

I'm thinking now that if the LA ever challenged us to show "evidence" of work by the children, we'll never be short of supply. I have 3 large packing boxes at home filled with their work... and that's after making them throw away those that they consider "not precious enough to keep"! Just quite annoyed though that the school seems determined not to let us go without causing some trouble first.

I hope as the days go by, DH will loosen up and relax a bit and realise that its really nothing to stress out about. I think he already is loosening up a bit. Today he asked us how the day at the meet-up went, and after we told him, he said next month when there's another meet-up, he will take a day off just to go with us and then afterwards he can drive them around to see the working windmill near one of the meet-up places because it would be so educational for them...

I love this thread so much I really want to post even though I have no right or experience...

just to say i learned a lot of number bonds at primary age through playing pontoon (also 21, or blackjack) - if your dh is desperate to do maths stuff, what about that?

Thanks for all your suggestions re: teaching maths! Yes, Maths games is a great idea! I'll get DH to have a look at the Maths book MrsWobbleTheWaitress mentioned. Maths is not my daughter's preferred subject although she's not very weak in it, just average. But yes, of course, I hate having to do formal teaching of Maths (or of anything really...) When I was a child, I hated formal teaching and couldn't imagine what child would actually like that more than playing educational games!

@ maktaitai : and yes, why not blackjack? such a simple game, but teaches fundamental adding

Got an EWO calling on my doorstep today. I refused him entry, absolutely refused him.

Some LAs do that, I'm afraid. :-(

Well done for sticking to your guns! Honestly, some of these officials think that they own us...! How'd he like it if you turned up in his office without an appointment?

First he said the school had concerns about my decision to home ed

Not their business!!!!

and would it be possible then to meet him in school?

Duh! The DD is deregistered... what's school got to do with it?

Then he said "The thing is, what I have to say to you is quite difficult to put in
writing."

Did he mean that it'd be difficult to justify? He's a paperpusher. If he won't push paper, he can go jump. And if he can't do his job in writing, how is he competent to decide whether or not you are fulfilling s7?

Then I repeated that if he has anything to say, he must put everything in writing and
then we'll go from there.

Brilliant! Go, noodle6!

If he does manage to get a letter together, it's likely to ask for a meeting, etc. You can write back and ask him to put in writing any reason he has for thinking that you might not be fulfilling s7 (the only reason he has for getting involved - see s437 of Education Act 1996). If he comes back and asks for information, case law (Donaldson) says you would be wise to provide it, however the form of that information is up to you. I'd tell him you need time to establish EHE (case law confirms this) and that you'll be happy to send him a short report at the end of October (after all, you only have a month left in this term, so you'll need another couple of months of next term to get it together...).

In October, you can send an educational philosophy (what you believe about education), a list of resources (TV, library, meetings, PC, museums, windmill visits, clubs, etc.) and a statement of provision (how you go about educating - and it can be as formal or informal as you like).

If you'd like an example, just ask, but you should write it in your own words - some LAs claim to be getting duplicated ones.

Wow! Noodle! I'm so impressed with how you dealt with the EWO!

Have a read of How Children Learn At Home by Alan Thomas and Harriet Pattison (if you haven't already had it suggested...I may have even suggested it myself! ) for a bit of confidence in whether or not it really is important to learn maths.

Oh, also a fantastic article I read recently - I'll find it and post it here for you and your DH (and your nosy EWO if necessary )

'I'm not exactly a very confident parent. I am always doubting myself and whether what I want for my children is the right thing for them. I see other parents just make decisions for their children without needing to "consult" with them and their children seem to do whatever it is their parents decide for them, unlike me, I often feel the need to "consult" with my children and find out what they want/not want and then make my decisions from there... but granted they are young, sometimes I wonder if the approach I'm using is really useful.'

I think that it is a very useful approach-all parents should doubt themselves- so I shouldn't worry about it.

how very strange that the EWO asked to meet you in school. Yes, I think the head is behind it. Otherwise he would not have wanted to speak to you at school but at your home. I think you handled it brilliantly

So glad it is going well.

"Kids Learn Math Easily When They Control Their Own Learning"

Hope it's interesting . I loved it.

Piscesmoon! I can't believe I'm agreeing with you again! What is the world coming to!?

Yes, parents should question what they're doing all the time - that's the only way to a) improve how you parent and b) keep on listening to your children's changing needs.

I am quite a reasonable person MrsWobble I just come from the side of loving school so much as a 5 yr old that I have made a career of it-and still get a buzz from it!

I only commented because OP seemed to see it as weakness to consult, whereas I see it as a strength. One of the reasons that I don't HE is I am not sure that I am the best person to do it-different people get different things out of my DCs. I came across some of their early writing when I was sorting the loft, it was so imaginative and sensitive-I know they wouldn't have done it for me. I don't think that it is a good thing when parents are very dogmatic about what is right for their DC. Very often they can be doing the opposite of what their parents did, forgetting that their DC is just as likely to take after their parent than themselves!

I never think that one size suits all, even within the same family, and it is important to listen to the voice of the DC, however young. (not necessarily act, but always listen).

I don't think you're not unreasonable - we just tend to disagree usually. It makes a nice change to be agreeing for once!

And one of the things I love is seeing my children spend time with other adults and not interfering and answering for them and explaining for them etc. IYSWIM. I love seeing how they interact differently with different people, and using that to enhance their lives. So you and I do agree on that, as well. And I know you feel that it's simply easier to acheive that in school, which it is. But it's by no means impossible if you HE. You just have to be a bit more creative

I think that you do have to be a bit creative-I am a bit of a 'mother hen' and I tend to step in and sort problems, even when I know that I shouldn't! I like the fact that I can't do it for them at school.

I think that if you are at home with them all the time then you actively have to loosen the control, easy if you are that sort of person anyway-but I am not. You have to constantly question yourself-I do it anyway, but you have to do it more so if they are home all the time.

how arethings going noodle?

noodle 6 sounds like you have some real concerns about your DD school.

I would encourage you to go for home ed if you feel you can do it. However there are other types of schooling available that may suit your daughter better such as Steiner, Forest, Montessori etc which have a more holistic approach to children's development.

Here's a post with a bit more detail on the alternatives out there that we just don't know about
wp.me/pS00T-Hp

Good luck whatever you decide to do

Haven't heard anymore from the school yesterday. Hopefully what happened with the EWO was just a one-off!

My eldest daughter looks happier than before anyway, that's for sure. It may be early days though, but she's already saying she loves home-ed.

@ MistyBell : we don't live that close to a Montessori school and even if we did, the price of the fees would be a real concern. Also, at the end of the day, they're still schools, and I'm not quite keen to put my children into schools again. Until perhaps when they go to secondary, I'll give them the choice as to whether they want to rejoin the school system again.

Well 'happier than before' is your best guage, I reckon!

hope the EWO is off your back, that would have put the wind up me too tbh, sounded very drastic for a first approach

I'm wondering now if anyone knows if the school has to send me a letter confirming they have deregistered my daughter - although I did ask for it in the dereg letter I sent them.

And how long should I reasonably expect for such a letter to arrive? And if I should chase them for it if it doesn't??

On another note, my daughter has started lapbooking yesterday

The school does not have to send you a letter. As you asked for one, I'd leave it a couple of weeks before chasing.

However, as you had the EWO on the doorstep, I guess you can assume thatshe was deregged. If not - it is the head at fault and they can be fined.

Okay thanks! I don't really want to chase them for it! I was just wondering if the fact that they haven't yet sent out a letter means she might not have been deregged.