So when did you realise that HE was better than school for your child?

[Callisto]

Hi all,

My DD is currently in reception at a good, small school where for the first few weeks she seemed settled and happy. The last two weeks before Christmas she began to get very teary and clingy when I dropped her off, even though she seemed to enjoy school when she was there.

The new term started last week - Monday was dreadful and she wanted to come home at lunchtime (I missed the phonecall, to my shame, so she had to stay all day). Tuesday was worse, my DP dropped her off that day. But she stayed all day and seemed to enjoy it. We have been snowed in since then, but today she was meant to go and totally refused.

My question (and I'm not sure if it can be answered) is how do you know which choice to make? I would happily HE and DP, after lots of resistance, has come to see that it is a viable option. However, I want to be fair to DP and tbh it throws me that DD seems to like school when she is there.

I would love to hear any experiences that are even slightly similar. Thanks.

This morning first day of home tutoring when my child said "I'm learning much more than I do at school." Don't know if that counts!

Definitely!

Callisto, I'm not at all anti home schooling and agree it can be brilliant. Still though I thought it worth posting that a lot of kids get like this once the novelty of going each day has worn off. My son for one. If I'd said school was optional in any way he'd most definitely not go.
In our case, DS now yr1, still says he'd rather not go sometimes - especially on a Monday morning. But when I see him with his friends, and see him thriving through all sorts (not just traditional learning), I realise he's facing some challenges/ opportunities that I genuinely couldn't provide at home, so that's valuable in itself. Also, even on the days when he's not so into going, he always bounds out with a big grin on his face full of what he's been up to. So I think it's worth seeing how she is at both ends of the day iyswim. If she really does hate it then HE, but maybe it's not so much that, as just the thought of it and the fact it's such a long day. Personally I think 5 full days is too much for reception and lots of schools will let you do part time, so maybe that's worth a try too?

Hi Smee - she already has Wednesdays off as she was getting so tired. This seemed to work really well last term. I agree that how she is at the end of the day is as important as how she is at the start. But I'm not going to drag her in every day if she really doesn't want to go. Which does leave me with a bit of a conundrum.

I know that lots of children go through this but to me that is more an arguement for looking at why we make them go to school so young and before so many are ready, than an arguement for sending them in regardless. If that makes sense. (I'm going round in circles a bit with this so I'm probably not explaining myself very well).

The way I see it, the National Curriculum is so faffy that you could spend half the time at "school" (at home iyswim) and she'll learn just as well. Especially at primary stage. I think you could teach the three Rs in a tenth of the time they spend at school and spend the rest of it cooking, playing, drawing, all other "learning" things they do at school but you're still getting in the academic stuff with very little stress. And if she's reading enough books there's your humanities too. Must be hard with more than one though.

I'm rubbish at teaching and I'm just doing two weeks of home tutoring but already I'm realising how quickly they learn and what a lot of time is wasted at school.

For eg: teach your child to add, subtract, multiply etc. It's quick as a flash -- but at school they teach lots of different methods and it all gets messy.

I seem to be a bit different to most people as I see home education as the default position. I think that all children start off at home, learning and developing at their own pace. Nothing magical happens when a child turns 3 or 5, so I don't see why people think that suddenly being at home wouldn't be enough for all children across the board and they need to go to nursery or school. Or that they should be progressing at the same rate as their peers in reading and writing when clearly different children have different strengths.

So we plan to carry on with DD at home until being based at home isn't providing everything she needs anymore. I personally doubt that when that happens the answer for us will be school (more like using more structured groups/tutors/external courses etc for certain subjects while carrying on as before with other things) but can see that for other families it will be.

I wouldn't leave DD in school because she was ok when she was there if it was causing regular upsets and she was telling me se didn't want to go. Like you say, just because something is common and lots or children go through it doesn't mean that its something they need to go through. How I approached it would depend on whether I was going to home ed long term or try and get DD back into school as soon as I felt she was ready.

Peacocks - I so totally agree with you re: the national curriculum. In fact, in my mind I can't envisage DD at school after primary. We have a 'very good' secondary here but it has failed one of my neices so badly and in so many ways that even my DP thinks it is rubbish and wouldn't send DD there. I guess I'm pretty anti-establishment anyway though and feel that most schools are pretty useless at teaching children to be open minded and love learning for learnings sake and not as a means to an end.

Anastasia - HE would have been my default position too but DP insisted that DD at least try school for a while. I do agree with your last paragraph, but DD seems to actively enjoy school when she is there which makes the decision so difficult. Long-term HE doesn't scare me, though it does rather curtail my plans to re-train for a different career, but I don't think DP would consider it as an option (yet!).

Callisto, you're right and it's a tough one. I used to regularly let DS stay at home with me when he was in reception and still do it now in yr1 if he's v.obviously over tired. Only thing I'd say in response is that if I'd ever let my DS think school was optional he'd never ever say he wanted to go! Now that may well mean I should home ed, but then as I posted earlier to see him bounding out of school enthused and happy tells me not - which sounds similar to your DD, which is interesting and yes also confusing in equal measures...
Another anecdotal point, but DS has been mostly okay about going, but we have had a couple of blips when going to school was the end of the world. But both times I've talked with the school and between him/ them and us, he's emerged out the other side triumphant, v.proud of himself and confident and positive about school. So whilst I've had moments when I've thought of not co-ercing him to go, actually looking back I think it's been amazing for him and he's visibly grown by doing so. I'm not talking major trauma here as that would be wrong, but still it was big for him, so big for me too. Does this make any sense?? possibly not. Am only trying to say sometimes I've had to realise it's good for me to push him a little from his comfort zone, even if I've felt a heel whilst doing so.
I do totally agree though that the amount of time they have to spend at school at such a young age is daft.

actually I agree with you anastaisia. When dd started school she was nearly 6, 6 being the starting age in the country we lived in. It honestly never crossed my mind to HE her, I didn't know anything about it and felt no inclination to do it either - I was quite looking forward to loosening the apron strings and having more of a life of my own (work etc). I just thought school is what you do, didn't question the need to send dc to school at all. It went very badly as it happens for my dd which led me throughout those experiences to question schooling as a necessary institution. Had that not happened to us, I might never have come to appreciate the option of HE.

These days I support HE quite strongly and I wish it were a viable option for more families who feel their dc are not getting a good education, are suffering from bullying and other unpleasant social situations. I hate to think that so many families feel they have no choice but to continue to send their dc to negative school environments.

I don't think all schools are bad, my own school experiences were positive - but I have seen being forced to attend a school where you are very unhappy and with cause can have a huge effect on a dc's confidence, and feelings of self worth. I believe there are plenty of schools which are a lot worse than the ones my dd was at for year 1 and 2 but those were quite bad enough for her.

Thank goodness we are out of there now and her confidence is back, she loves learning and things are good - yet even last night, 2 years afterwards, she was up crying till midnight because for some reason she was remembering all the bad things that had happened in those first 2 years of school and how it had felt at the time.

ZZZenAgain, that's so sad. I agree - if it's that bad, no way stick with school. Good to hear she's doing so well now.

it was utterly crap I can tell you smee but thankfully in the past now. On the basis of our experience, I would suggest that if a young dc is unhappy at school, you really must investigate it by listening to the dc and speaking to the teacher, possibly sitting in on classes until your mind is at rest or you feel you have put your finger on the problem. I know I am not really speaking from a position of authority/knowledge here with just the one child, but if she is young and you have the option, I think it is worth seriously considering taking her out at least for a year or two. It's a very long day for such a young dc.

HE was not an option for us so I think if you do have the option, it is worth considering it carefully. Our schools were bad for dd. It was not simply a matter of her needing to get accustomed to school life, she was more than ready for school - but not those ones.

I've tried asking DD why she doesn't like school many times and finally I think the truth is that it is too noisy and busy for her. It is interesting that she does wonderful, intricate drawings of recognisable animals at home (mainly dinosaurs and crocodiles) and yet at school she only seems to draw scribbles, so I do think that her ability to concentrate for longish periods of time is being adversely affected by school. She has always been able to lose herself in whatever game or crafty thing catches her imagination. Her attention span has shrunk since she started school - though I only really noticed during the hols when it seemed to expand again once she had relaxed a bit.

did you ever find out why she wanted to come home at lunchtime that day?

She may well just be tired out by the noise and bustle of school and may need more time to adjust to it or be ready for it. Have you spoken to the teacher about it at all? I think that is what I would do first if your dd does not have any specific complaint.

According to her teacher I should be sending her in 5 days a week and the only reason DD isn't settling in is because she has Wednesdays off. I started off thinking that her teacher was sympathetic but having had a couple of chats with her about various things I just think she wants me to toe the line. I think I'm percieved as a troublesome parent by her and the head.

She wanted to come home that first lunchtime because I had told her that if she wasn't happy/was tired she could come home early.

And since school has started again she has been in for just 2 days. (We were snowed off on Thurs and Fri last week and she has Weds off anyway).

I realised HE was better than school for my DS1 when he was still in nursery.

Both DH and I think 5 is too young and that DS1 would be better off at home for the next couple of years. Once he's 7 we'll see how he feels about going to school then.

Butterball - thats what we said when we took ds out of reception, that we would see when he was 7 (e.g going to school in year 2). That would have been last September, he's still at home! He didn't want to go back after all.

At the moment he says he wants to go to school when he is 10, so we'll see what happens in a couple of years I guess.

I realised that home ed was better for my ds as I watched him come out of school that last day, knowing he had never to return unless he wanted to.

He skipped out of the gate with a twinkle in his eye...........and I realised that he hadn't done that for years. Sadly school had pulled him down slowly, slowly and to my shame I didn't see it until it was damn near too late.

Every thing just got better and better from that moment on.
No regrets, not one.

When I was pg and first learnt about it. I mentioned it to two very trusted family members who happened to be teachers, and they wholeheartedly agreed with it and wished they'd done it with their children. That kind of sealed our fate, as it were!

It sounds like you really want to do it. Just because she's eventually happy at school, doesn't mean she won't be even more happy at home, and trust you even more, and learn more....

I cannot imagine sending them to school now. The two older ones have both been through little phases when they've said they've wanted to go. We've said to wait until they're 8 or 9 and they're really old enough to make such a decision. Within a few weeks though, they've gone off the idea and now they are both very pleased they're home educated.

I have always said that HE is the default option. Being with the family is, for me, the secure place from which my children branch out into independence as they get increasingly confident.

If a child of mine wants to go to school we'll treat it just like a desire to go to cubs or ballet or on a residential course or anything else - find out all we can about it, weigh it up, child makes best informed decision they can, pull the plug without drama if it doesn't suit.

So far, no child of mine has shown the slightest inclination to try school, despite the 24/7 pro-school brainwashing they are exposed to online and through DVDs

I realised that HE was right for my kids when my ds was threatening to burn the school down (having first murdered all the staff )
Every morning I would go into my dds room and say "Good morning" bright and breezy. Her first words were "I dont want to go to school!!!!!!!!!" for months. Getting her dressed was a nightmare.

My kids smile and laugh with happiness now - they were unhappy before. Tis enough for me

Its a difficult choice to make callisto, especially if your dp isnt too keen. I remember your wonderings about this issue in the summer.

Thanks for all of your replies, it is interesting that for some of you HE was the default and yet the majority of people in the UK don't even know such a thing exists. I guess there is an argument there to make HE more mainstream by advertising it more (a good side-effect of the Badman review maybe?).

Anyway, I just wanted to give you an update. DD went to school yesterday without a single tear and seemed to enjoy herself (she didn't want to come home at lunchtime). Then this morning, after telling me for a good half hour that she didn't want to go to school under any circumstances, she decided she would like to go and went without fuss or any tears again.

I wish she either loved it or hated it, life would be so much simpler.

I hope you don't mind me resurrecting this thread Callisto, but we are going through a similar thing with DS. He's only at the school nursery, and he only does 4 days, but sometimes he wakes up and shouts that he doesn't want to go, then sometimes gets ready and leaves the house without any more fuss.

He'll happily chat on about his friends at school, and who did what, so I think he does enjoy it while he's there, I think he's just shattered generally.

I've explained that he doesn't have to go, but then he won't be able to go at all, and he doesn't want that.

Again, if his feelings about school were more clear-cut, it would be easier to know what to do.