How do you explain your choices to your family?

[Mung]

Just 'dropped into the conversation' with my Dad that I am seriously considering Home ed. He really thinks I am totally wrong and spoke to me about all the great schools out there. He wants to take me around some to show me how good they can be. He is really pro-schooling, an ex-teacher, then Headteacher, then LEA advisor for primary schools, now a SIP...also a very stubborn man.

I am now really doubting my choice which seemed to evident to me yesterday whilst at HESFES.

I'm lucky I never had any real problem with mine. But the advice I've seen on here about dealing with family who are teachers has usually been to point out how the teachers aren't getting to teach properly any more, being bogged down with government initiatives and testing and paperwork etc.

Oh, and (if you're HEing from the start), stuff about how they start formal work and being put under pressure too early in this country. And giving the impression that you might consider school in anther year or two.

I tried so hard, but he really believes that schools are doing an amazing job. Apparenlt 'Outstanding Schools' get around the testing issues and get better marks by integrating it into the lessons / project work. He really wants to take me around some schools to prove to me that they are good. I am sure they are, but I can do better...or at least I thought I could, until he told me that I couldn't.

Oh ... and I was told...'we'll talk about this further, but don't damn the boy just yet'

If you are so sure about what you are doing, why so reluctant to go and see the schools?

I am not reluctant, I think it will be really interesting. I am / was a secondary teacher myself and I'm a governor at local primary, so I know what schools are like. I just cannot believe that he thinks that will change my mind, especially given that the local school is the one my DS would go to and that isn't 'outstanding', but it is good.

It's hard to know how to get round stubborn people, but on the other hand once you've managed it he may be your staunchest ally! It depends on his personality, but it might be an idea to go round them with him and look seriously at the pros and cons - if he knows you are thinking through it on he basis of the facts, that may help.

But you should only go round ones you would seiously consider for your DS - if they are too far away etc, then it doesn't matter how wonderful they are.

Exactly. They are not near me at all. He wants to show me what schools can do.

Our relationship is very 'strained' and it has improved a lot recently, but he is one of those men who thinks that he is always right. He isn't really ready to listen to my point of view and unfortunately, I crumble when I talk to my Dad.

Well, when dealing with my very persistant and self righteous dad, I use the broken record technique.

ie he wanted me to take a weekend job

"There's a job going at X you could do"

"I know but I don't have childcare for the weekends"
"It's good money though"
"But I don't have childcare for the weekends"
"YOu'd really enjoy it there, it's right up your street!"
"I don't have childcare for the weekends"
"But this would look fantastic on your Cv, Colditz! Why don't you just apply?"
"Because I don't have childcare for the weekends"
"Well, can Exp not have them?"
"No."
"Well, can't you think of anyone who can?"
"No, Dad, I don't have any childcare for the weekends"

Etc etc etc.

Keep it sweet, keep it polite, don't get drawn in, and eventually he will have to give up. Pick a point and stick to it!

You don't need your father's approval for this. It's your decision.

I think I'd say

"Dad, I know you are immensely invested personally and professionally in the school system, and I know that schools can be wonderful places for some children some of the time. However, Home Education is not a second best option, it's equally valid educationally and socially and legally. It's the choice we are making for now. It is not up for discussion, but we would much appreciate your support if you feel able to offer it. Now, would you like a nice cup of tea? And what do you think about this incredible Andy Murray turn around sending him into the Quarter Finals?"

You put it so well onwardandupward, I wish I had that ability to speak so eloquently. I will start rehearsing my lines before I speak to him next .

oh yes we had exactly that problem with the inlaws, also ex teachers, also quite...confident in their opinions.

here is what we did

1. pointed out that schools HAVE changed. Also, they taught secondary, not primary, so have less expertise there

1. listened to their specific worries about 6000 times and gave them the same answers about 6000 times (but kept communication open)

1. Involved them. They are physics/history teachers. DS loves both history and physics, we'd be eegits not to exploit the relationship. Phoned them up to ask his leftfield questions on baby gas masks, that sort of thing)

1. Remained very very firm. We never gave them thr impression that it was up for discussion or that there was ANYTHING they could say that woukd change things.

god it is a pita and they still clearly think that ds is doing so well IN SPITE of missing out on school but it could be a lot worse, we are all still talking and ds knows an awful lot about bizarre grandparently things

Hey mung! I cant believe your dad said that to you damn the boy indeed! As if spending time with an intelligent, enthusiastic, energetic woman who loves him(that's you that is!) could be bad for him! Being a teacher, and govenor, you know what teaching is like these days yourself - you dont need your dad to explain it to you!

He should know better than most that schools can 'turn it on' for inspections then back to the usual drudgery with teachers worn out and children in huge classes doing 'busywork'. My dad is the same - very suspicious of anything apart from the norm, although in his case i have the upper hand as i'm an ex-teacher and he doesnt really have any experience in that area.

My mum was dubious - but i gave her a copy of 'Free Range Kids' to read and she became quite excited about it!! Maybe drag your dad to HESFES while its still on - or send him a copy of that book from Amazon as a pressie!

(see you wednesday xx)

I didn't recognise myself there Pooter

Thanks for all the tips. I am in the process of finding a few simple articles I can send him on the subject. I have also been told that there may be a very positive article coming out soon from a mainstream educational establishment on the subject...I'll keep an eye out for it and once it is out let you all know. He may be more open to the views from those people.

One thing that worries me, is that he will be the one 'reporting' us to the LEA when DS cannot read at the age of 5!

There's a good chance that we may live/work abroad for a year soon and I've almost decided to HE during that year.
Strangely my FIL who used to be a teacher is fine but MIL is horrified. We just keep going round and round in bloody circles.

I have the same issues with my Mum ,I took my dd out of school two months ago and she is thriving but because there has been a vast improvment in her whole attitude and the fact that she can now read and lots of other things I feel she has been failed in until now. My Mum keeps telling me to send her back to school I just let it go over my head TBH .She dosen't get that if I send her back she will just go downhill again .

I would let him take you around some schools, you don't have to agree but it would be interesting.

I wouldn't.
If you want to look around local schools before you make a final decision, that's perfectly sensible, and a very good idea.

But arrange it yourself, and do it without your father.

Go and look around as a prospective parent, not as the daughter of a former LEA advisor.

His comment "we'll talk about this further, but don't damn the boy just yet" is unsupportive and unhelpful.

He is undermining your confidence in your decisions.

Don't let him.

Agree with PootyApplewater,

It's your child, it's your decision.

Do you have support of your dp/dh?

Your father probably thinks he is doing his best, but you are the grown up now, he should respect your decision.

My in laws were really against HE but after two years of seeing the results they are strong supporters, this seems to be the case with a lot of HE families.

Until you actually experience HE it really doesn't make sense to anybody and I include myself in that, as I really frowned on my SIL when she took her kids out of school for a year to travel the world.
How wrong was I? !!

Runnerbean - that's kind of our plan - though we'll be working as well.
I thought it would just make more sense to teach them as we go along rather than putting them in and out of schools.
Did your sil and family enjoy it?

They had an amazing time and the kids learnt soo much, although the dd was only 5 (she's 10 now) so doesn't really remember much about it.
The ds however, when he returned to school was way ahead academically of his peers.
I don't really understand why they returned to school, my SIL is always moaning how the dd is soo behind the ds at this age because he was home schooled (they followed the NC).

I was horrified when they took the dc's out of school as I was considering doing a pgce at the time, but my classroom experience really opened my eyes!!!
I scoffed at HE 5 years ago, now I try and covert everybody else!!
I'm like a born again Christian who has "seen the light"!
(Not meaning to offend any Christians out there.)

Thanks again ladies, I know what you mean runnerbean...I was totally shocked that people could consider HE. I mean I trained for 5 years to teach French, so how could they expect to teach it to the same level?. How wrong I was. So, I know why people think the way they do about HE because I have been there. Its just really hard to get people to consider the benefits of it at the moment, particularly my father. He jumps to the same old conclusions of lack of social skills, in fact he said they were all 'geeks'. I just really want to point out that he has no friends and has isolated himself from his family (including me for 10 years...but thats another story) and he went to school...not a great advert for the benefits of socialising at school.

I am dreading the next telephone conversation I have with him...

Maybe you could think of something along the lines of, 'Thank you for your opinion, I have thought long and hard and this is the choice we have made for the moment'
Sometimes people shut up, if they think the option to go to school is still there for later.

And while you say it-hold in your mind a lovely sunny day at HesFes with all of those well socialised children and young people, getting on with their activities, having fun whilst learning!

You know that his preconceived ideas are just not true-you have seen it first hand in large numbers.

Have you joined/met the local HE group yet. Having support and regular home ed meetings in your local area, will be some reassurance to yourself and possibly to him too.

Don't worry about him grassing you up to the LA -deal with that when it happens-and it might just be that your children will be reading by the age of 5.
And if they are not, well there enough of us about whose children didn't to give you support.

"but I can do better...or at least I thought I could, until he told me that I couldn't"
and I met you the day before he said that-and I am certain you can.

He can carry on saying what he likes, you can listen, nod, smile and think of HesFes and do what you really want to anyway.

Thanks Julienoshoes. I keep trying to think back to that feeling of having all those people around who felt the same. It was wonderful to meet you and DH (who made a huge impact on DH who came home saying, 'I really feel that we are doing the right thing'). I just need to get over this hurdle, which, I am sure, will be the first of many.

I haven't met the local HE group yet, but will do soon.

I hope you had a wonderful time.