How to connect with 'wholesome' families

[RosemarySutcliffe]

Please no tiresome comments of offended outrage. I was hoping for ideas on how to meet home educated families in the hope that my children (ages 13,11, 7 & 4) could make friends with children more like themselves. Children who are familiar with classic literature (nesbit, ransome, tolkien, lewis etc), who are imaginative, interested in culture (shakespeare, poetry, enthusiastic, outdoorsy, well-mannered and have a sense of good sportsmanship, traditional childhood fun, how to be a friend and so on.
It feels like a needle in a haystack. We don't do gaming, my children don't have ipads or phones, they have only been exposed to edifying, wholesome films. They don't have behaviour problems or mental health problems. They are just decent, normal, imperfect, regular children. They don't know who Taylor Swift is, they've never played minecraft. How to meet like-minded people? It feels as if home educated children these days are often far more homogeneous than children who attend school. I don't mean any judgement of offence, it just can feel a little lonely as a family when you are raising them outside of the prevailing culture. We would love to have friends to invite for afternoon tea and poetry, dinner parties, bonfires, book clubs, put on plays with, swallows and amazon style adventures.. you get the idea.

I appreciate the honesty and it has given me food for thought. I don't want to restrict them, they are at groups/clubs 5 nights of the week so hardly housebound. But perhaps there are more changes needing to be made. My eldest can navigate a laptop in terms of emailing friends/family, accessing his online greek and latin tuition and creating word documents for essays on subjects we've covered. I have let him google the odd thing here and there but I do feel the internet is a dangerous place. He is our only son amongst many daughters and I worry he doesn't get enough time in the company of other boys.

You mention they know lots of hymns. Are you regular church attendees? You might find similar attitudes to media there.

Our more "wholesome" friends are those we ourselves were friends with at university. Who are YOUR friends and do they have children? Few of ours live locally, but we make a point of meeting up in half terms/holidays (we don't home ed. Some of our friends do but a minority).

Learning to code suits kids good at languages and maths. Maybe let your DS have a go at basic coding. If he likes Classics, he may well enjoy it and be really good at it. Also apps like Duolingo are quite fun. I have friends who are anti screen but allow this kind of thing. I always thought of as Minecraft as the modern equivalent of Lego. It really is not that bad if they do not spend hours on it, perfectly fine for the occasional treat. There are some things that most children experience that your children will be missing out on and you want them to be able to have stuff in common with their generation, to have common ground. So I would have a long hard think on which elements you are OK with. Using an iPad and the Apple Pencil and drawing with it and writing into past papers may be one of them.

A big part of the problem is that you live in a remote and rural area. Unfortunately this is going to limit the population of "wholesome" kids, especially in the teenage age group.

I grew up rurally, there was very little to do and it was very difficult to get yourself to anything independently. I was bored out of my brains, really, like most of the kids. Entertainment was mostly gaming online or getting drunk and other stuff in various places - someone's barn, behind the rec club etc. Not very edifying.

Personally, I'd move somewhere more accessible if you want your kids to have a more "wholesome" life. My neighbour's teenager (14) constantly seems to be going out to drink bubble tea with her friends. Apparently they actually go to the cinema sometimes. The boys from their friendship group come and wait outside the house to walk with the girls. They have beautiful manners. It seems a lot more "wholesome" then what I remember from being a teenager growing up rurally 😂.

@RosemarySutcliffe I have school going children who know who TS is but who don’t game, read a lot, play classical music, love board games and are ‘wholesome’. They have fitted in fine into mainstream school, have lots of friends but because of their exposure to school are familiar with aspects of popular culture. DS2 can hold an entire conversation about Minecraft without ever having played it. DS1 has a phone as he commutes to school but with obviously screen time limits. We are a low screen family. Movies, sport, cooking shows, even some TV programmes but we can do several days/weeks without TV. They are both incidentally very adept at coding and one of them has self taught himself R.
Both my kids have quite a few friends who are like them or share a lot of interests and they met them all at school…

You do know that mental health issues can happen to anyone no matter their upbringing. It's an illness. Welcome to real life

@PassOnThat oh I entirely agree that rural living does not automatically equate to wholesome, i was never under any illusions about that. I had very similar teenage years to what you describe.

OP you need to loosen up a bit. It all sounds about YOUR wants and needs. Let your children live in the modern world and learn how to mix with all kinds of children.
I know you think you are doing the right thing but it all sounds a bit isolating and cult-like.

They are just decent, normal, imperfect, regular children. They don't know who Taylor Swift is, they've never played minecraft.

This makes me so sad.
Your kids are not ‘normal’ because they’re not doing what normal kids do.

Your kids are very different and it’s something that is likely going to negatively affect them for the rest of their lives.

I love that you have tried to protect them so much but there’s a balance and you’re doing way too much

I don’t think HS is the best thing anyway but for those that choose to do it, they need to make sure their kids aren’t missing out in other ways.
You are consciously making them miss out.

What’s going to happen when they get to 16 and want to go to college, uni or work?
They’ll either really struggle or rebel.

I think a church group is a nice idea.

FWIW growing up I very large range of friends from those living on a farm, to rich families, to very poor families, to ones who’s mum was an alcoholic for example.
I think it has honestly made me such a better person because I don’t judge and I can get on with anyone very easily.

Not a Home Educator - this popped up on Active for me and I was intrigued. But the friends I made doing local youth orchestras when I was a teenager were definitely along those lines - a mix of state, private and home educated, every one of them was intellectually curious and interested in culture. Mixed rural and small city upbringings.

I wouldn't say we were especially wholesome though!

Love Rosemary Sutcliff btw - The Armourer's House and The Queen Elizabeth Story are two of my favourite books!

@RosemarySutcliffeGoogle is only a dangerous place if you don’t teach your children how to use it safely. It’s part and parcel of modern life and you’ll be holding them back from many life and career opportunities if they don’t learn safe internet skills.

We of course allow DS1 to Google. He even watches YouTube videos. But all screen time is in a communal area. In fact just the other day we were watching several long form YouTube videos together. We also talk a lot about politics (DH and I are both academics) at home. But they live in a huge bustling city, take public transport on their own and are adept at navigating the world in lots of ways.

I have let him google the odd thing here and there but I do feel the internet is a dangerous place.

It absolutely can be. So how have you prepared him to navigate that as he matures beyond your control?

Also - TS is super empowering for young teens and women. A woman who has taken charge of her own career and business and stuck two fingers up metaphorically to the patriarchy. She’s a role model, not a toxic influence IMO

@chiefscoutsgoldaward Yes, a lot of DS1’s friends like that are from his Saturday conservatory and youth orchestra. He plays one instrument at quite a high level and has a gang of slightly quirky music friends through this. Only one of them is home educated though.

I echo what others said. The internet is dangerous if you don’t teach them how to use it. It’s like abstinence vs decent sex education. We all know what causes more
problems.

I understand what you're saying about the anxious teenagers who are addicted to gaming and are home educated in the loosest sense of the word.

If you have money, they'll remain in a bubble but I don't get the sense that this is the case or you wouldn't be here, asking how to create this life for them. You would accept that in the modern version of the life you describe, screens are used and the kids have Tiktok.

So I would follow their interests, especially things like cricket, chess, dance, music, drama. But be prepared for the dance to be interpretive, the drama improvisations to be edgy, the kids checking their phone between chess games. There are some amazing artists out there who are not straightforwardly wholesome or tuneful but are often satirical about the present culture, questioning the status quo, asking where the wholesome is and affirming the value of digging deep, persevering and knowing your worth. I actually think One Voice Children's Choir might be a good bridge into this for you and your kids. They have Mormon roots but that's incidental. Those kids are definitely wholesome. Look them up on YouTube.

Minecraft is also fine. It mixes well with what you're doing and can be a way of staying in contact with friends who have moved. My kids used to have a Friday afternoon catch up with friends this way. But it was just a Friday thing. They still had their lambs to rear and their singing class etc etc.

I absolutely do know that. But I don't feel it's healthy for my children to attend groups where the few children their age are all consumed with problems. My family is by no means problem free, but I have worked and worked since they were babies to try and do my absolute utmost to build a lifestyle where they can thrive. And it has paid off. So far. I don't wish to jeopardise my life's work by throwing them in with a bunch of kids whose parents have not invested in them at all and it shows. That is not so say we are not happy to be friends with children who own playstations and eat haribo!

You probably need to look into extremely religious communities or cults.

I once accidentally joined a Facebook group of families who were following a homeschooling curriculum by someone called Charlotte Mason. It wasn't my cup of tea at all and it soon became clear that I wasn't the target membership for the group (!) but they were all very much as you describe. Might be worth looking into that curriculum and see if there are any groups local to you?
Edited for typo

Just out of interest, what do you think is wrong with Minecraft?

I admit I felt a bit like you about it based purely on the title but on creative mode it's just building things with bricks.

My son has built entire worlds of railways and zoos using his imagination. Yes he builds things in real bricks as well but the world is electronic and having some understanding of that is important.

I'm not sure how you will, your childtens interests are very very niche for children. Most kids like say, Taylor Seift or Minecraft, becuase of their friends, not because of their family or parenting. So whats popular is spread amongst friendship groups and passed from friend to freind, cousin to cousin, school to school, so it becomes shared passions and fads. Your children soujd shielded entirely from popular culture, so whatever their interests are, are what you have shared with them, so its going to be very niche and unique to your family.
It sounds very idylic and lovely where you are and how your children have all these unique passions, I am getting Sound of Music vibes, but honestly, this is a super unique way to raise children in todays world and it will be hard to find people similar to you.
What about sports, or cubs or things like that, becuase people can be very different in many aspects but have a shared passion in something and make friends that way. Maybe thats a way to go.

It sounds like you're raising them with ideas of what the world was rather than giving them the skills to navigate what the world is. Everything is a balance OP and going as far to the extreme side you're on is no better than the other side who have unrestricted tech, no social skills from being unmannerly and unruly etc.
You don't see the position you've taken as extreme but it absolutely is to the average parent.

Well I will try to have a more open mind about it following this conversation. I suppose I primarily would worry about it being addictive and leading to quarrels about the time allotted for its usage. And how to keep my younger children away from it. We are a very peaceful household and I cannot abide the thought of that peace being stolen by screens which I understand can exert a powerful pull on young minds.

You definitely need to look for the Charlotte Mason inspired people around you! I used to HE in a city & did find it notable that almost all the families we came across were unschoolers with no screen restrictions, we found more families in line with our preferences through forest school & musical classes.