Terrified of high school - should I home ed?

[MrsWhites]

My son is due to start high school in September but he is absolutely terrified at the prospect. Even the thought of transition days is causing huge meltdowns and it is starting to effect his mental health. He's having intrusive thoughts and general anxiety now as well as the panic he's feeling about actually going into the new school.

People keep telling me that worries about high school are normal but I've always worried that my son would find this transition hard, he struggles with change and has some sensory issues so I worry about how he will cope with the noisy busy environment, although I am reassuring when talking to him about it all.

I am a stay at home mum so home schooling is an option but to be honest, I am worried about making his shyness worse and also if I'm honest about people's opinions - my family are not supportive, they think I would be holding him back. My husband initially felt this way but after seeing the downwards spiral in his mental health he is starting to see my point. I am also anxious about outside involvement from local education etc.

Did anyone else choose home education for a similar reason or can offer any advice?

I think you need to speak to schools, both current and high school and find out what transition support is available for him. He obviously needs support with his mental health so speak to the GP to get the ball rolling there. I do home educate but I wouldn’t recommend it as a solution to something that hasn’t had any intervention first.

Is there autism involved here?
regardless, you must parent the child that you see in front of you to the best of your ability - not pander to relatives/others who don’t understand the ins and outs of the situation.
I would say homeschooling might be a very good option for you. Get tutors to help guide you.

High school can be absolutely brutal.

You could speak to the school. Schools sometimes let anxious children come in for an extra, quieter transition day where they are supported. You could give it a try and then home Ed if it doesn't work out?

Personally I would be looking to get your DC help with their anxiety rather than jumping straight to home schooling. While he is clearly anxious about senior school home schooling can bring on a whole load of other issues and realistically you can’t shield them from the world for ever. What will you do if they get anxious about going to other clubs / activities to supplement his home schooling? Allow him to stay away from those as well and become totally isolated at home ? Can you work with the school first ? I know it’s daunting but trying to help him now work to overcome / reduce his anxiety will help him as he gets older. Can you contact the senior school now - speak with the SENCO for some strategies ? Does he have issues at school now ? Speak to your GP they can signpost you to help which might be available. I know it’s really hard and you want to protect your DC but keeping him at home might not be in his best interests longer term.

I agree about getting help with his anxiety too.

I've always suspected autism but his school don't agree and neither did GP. He's never been a lover of school, he absolutely loved home schooling during covid but obviously he was much younger then.

I spoke with high school transition support when they came into his primary a few weeks ago, they were very 'oh it will be fine, you'll be with your friends and it's a fun day'. That was my plan to give it a go and home ed if it didn't work out but now I just cant see how I can even get him to cooperate with going in for even the transition days.

Thanks for your advice, that is what I am worried about, him thinking he can stay at home everytime something is uncomfortable.
His primary school are involved and have been supportive but the high school were quite dismissive. The waiting list for cahms is 18 months for first consultation in my area too.

I will start this by saying mine are at the end of school life now and started during the Covid years when they didn’t get the support that would normally happen.

I think your in danger of reaffirming he has something to be worried about by going straight to home schooling.

id be reluctant to lose that first year of transition and settling. Parts of secondary are quite brutal, teachers not knowing you Strict teachers setting boundaries early, friendship wobbles as you meet a load of strangers and try and suss them out. However at some point I’m presuming you’d want him to start? So he’d be joining year 8/9/10 and that’s going to be such a shock when everyone else knows the score and he’s missed out.
like the others say, speak to the schools first. Has he got friends going to the secondary? I’m not anti home schooling at all, I think feeding his anxiety could set a dangerous precedent when currently, his fears are unproven.

I home ed and generally highly recommend it but I wouldn't jump straight to home ed unless it's something he specifically wants, because it might feed his anxiety. I'd also try to fast track getting him some help with his anxiety if possible, but I know that's easier said than done.

Having taught in two secondary schools, I'd always recommend a smaller one for anxious children. I don't know if changing to a smaller high school is an option - it isn't for us, hence why DD (would be end of Y6 now) is staying home educated rather than going to comp - but is that something that could be considered?

I've said this before on previous threads - If there is a problem with anxiety, nervousness etc, the solution is not to remove all sources of anxiety and nervousness. It's to slowly and steadily build confidence and resilience. Others have mentioned a phased start to school - if this is allowed, go for it. Otherwise, what about some confidence and independence building activities? What about you wait at the supermarket door and he goes through with the list and trolley and payment card and does the shopping himself? If he can't find something, he asks someone for help. I'd recommended Lenore Skenazy's book 'Free Range Kids', and especially the Let Grow Movement. Have a look at their website and set some daily Let Grow challenges. This is asking the child to do an activity on their own that they can do but haven't previously done without a parent. I'd hope this would up his confidence in time. Also, let's not forget that new schools and new situations are often difficult, that's totally normal! Talk about it together and try to talk to older children who've done it the year before.

Avoiding change doesn’t help children learn to manage change.
I am expecting difficulties with the transition for my DS and it’s so hard when your child is unhappy. I’m hoping to keep life calm, encourage, support and go along this difficult journey with him. I think he will settle but if it doesn’t work out, we’ll make changes then.

I think you need to get back in touch with them. Outline just how ill he is becoming and ask for a meeting between you and the new school. I would also take him to the GP. I know you say it is 18 months but is he already on the waiting list for CAMHS? Can you afford to see a psychologist privately?

Thanks for your advice, that is my fear that if we start home schooling that he will loose the opportunity to build resilience. I think if he started home ed he would never want to go back to school.

I think we are at the point of looking at going private as we can't keep waiting.

On the back of this thread I think I will email the high school to put my concerns in writing to see if further support is available.

None of the high schools near us are small, they are all large comp type schools with 300 kids per intake, I would love the option of a smaller school for him.

What are the school going to do? She's already asked once and been told 'it'll be fine...' (or similar). They're there to teach. I suspect their capacities to help with senior school transition is fairly limited. GP and waiting lists, well - good luck with that.. Private psychologist, yes I suppose you could throw money at the problem. I notice that all your suggestions involve people other than those whose main responsibility it is, and who are best place to be an effective help - the parents!

Definitely contact the school and explain this is not normal nerves about starting secondary school, this is severe anxiety. You will have to be calm and persistent.

Options such as a phased start, reduced timetable etc can be implemented.

I home educate as a positive choice, my kids haven’t ever been to school & I think home ed is often better than school-based education, but starting from a position of fear and doubt and at 11 could make it hard. Dealing with others’ opinions is wearing and easier when they’re 4 or 5 and you can say they might try school later. (Practice thanking relatives for their opinions and then continuing your own sweet way. You’re his parents: you know him best.) Social opportunities can get a bit more challenging in these years: they no longer feel comfortable running up to random other kids in a home ed group and asking to join the game. I’d suggest having him give school a go and if he hates it, you’ll pull him out to HE, but better if he feels he hasn’t ‘failed’ at it. Talk about other scary stuff he’s done and succeeded at. It is pretty scary walking into a new home ed group: be clear that he’ll have challenges whatever he chooses, and you’ll support him to overcome them but stopping home indefinitely isn’t an option (unless you truly believe that’s all he can cope with).

Despite the difficulties, if you go ahead with HE, it can be wonderful. Use Facebook for local and national groups, be prepared to put the work in to supporting his making friends, the academic side will likely be easier than social so prioritise the social and fit the rest around it. Depending where you live you may travel quite far to get to stuff: make the effort now before teen awkward phase so he has friends by then. Include scouts, cadets, sports etc - socialising doesn’t have to be with HE kids, though HE camps & festivals are wonderful for showing our children there are lots of others like them.

LA involvement starts as light touch but you need local advice to make sure you keep it so. Writing one report a year evidencing his education as suitable and full time is not that onerous - they’ll want to see you prioritising literacy, numeracy and social opportunities in line with your child’s needs. Children are always learning, their interests are a great source of deep and natural learning, and often promote literacy and numeracy too.

edited a couple of ‘it’s for clarity

This is the situation for us too sadly.

If you do decide to home ed, it can be absolutely transformative. I was worried DD would become even more shy and withdrawn, but she attends so many groups and classes and throws herself into them, her social life is better now than when she was in school and her confidence just grows and grows.

Then you go with what you know to be true.

”Help” that is supplied is often woefully inadequate. I would protect his MH now and do Y7 as homeschool. But do get good tutors.

I'm not sure if I've taken this the wrong way but I'm (along with my husband) bending over backwards to help him in every way possible. I've spoken with every support system mentioned, I've enquired about private autism screening etc but as you say we've also been working hard to reassure him, keep home as a calm space for him to talk about his worries if he wants to or just relax and feel safe too. I honestly don't know what else I can do.

I second this advice, my daughter made it to the beginning of year 8 before the same behaviour started and had a autistic burnout ( didn’t know it was a autistic burnout at the time but after mental health sessions this was confirmed ) taking her out of school was the best thing for her, I would hate to think how bad things would have got if I carried on making her go to school, go with your gut feeling, we are a year and half in to home schooling and although she isn’t back to herself totally we are getting there, also it is now obvious she is autistic because she’s home and doesn’t need to mask at all.

Actually there is a lot they can do if they are inclined to. The first rebuff could be because they are used to anxious parents and sometimes it is just the parent who needs reassurance and to be fair probably 95% of year 6s are feeling nervous about the transition and the vast majority of them will be absolutely fine. It might also be that the primary school are downplaying any issues. Also the person doing the transitions is probably a year head, not a SENCO teacher.

For us it started with a meeting with the SENCO (parents not my child), outlining the issues, discussing my child. Highlighting trigger points for the child. For example often in the first week of school teachers might pick up on very minor infringements, if they know that a child is exceptionally anxious that will be flagged on their system and they will perhaps tread a little more gently around that child. Most teachers actually want to get the best from their pupils and they understand that some of them are very nervous. They might also invite them to any support clubs, for example they might run a lego or a games club in student support at lunchtime which can be a chance to escape the bustle and sit down with some learning support staff.

Having an arrangement when the parents on bad days can drive the child into school and a support person meet them at the car. Sometimes dropping early works well if there is a breakfast club so the child has time to transition without also worrying about being late. Often the library for example might be open at 8. The school might be able to arrange for a sixth former to meet them and take them to the library for the first few days. Or OP could maybe pay a sixth former to meet up and take him in.

If there are other pupils transitioning at the same time from the same school highlighting any who make the issue worse. I have found generally schools are more likely to separate children who don't get on rather than guarantee to be with a friend.

I know that schools are really pushed at the moment but there may be support out there which can help.

It helps to have a good discussion with the child about what exactly they are concerned about, without offering any solutions at this point, and then go to the school with a list of the issues and specific concerns and then see what can be put in place.

I actually agree with this as well. It’s a difficult decision and only you know your child. I’ll be facing this decision in three years for DS so I empathise