Terrified of high school - should I home ed?

[MrsWhites]

My son is due to start high school in September but he is absolutely terrified at the prospect. Even the thought of transition days is causing huge meltdowns and it is starting to effect his mental health. He's having intrusive thoughts and general anxiety now as well as the panic he's feeling about actually going into the new school.

People keep telling me that worries about high school are normal but I've always worried that my son would find this transition hard, he struggles with change and has some sensory issues so I worry about how he will cope with the noisy busy environment, although I am reassuring when talking to him about it all.

I am a stay at home mum so home schooling is an option but to be honest, I am worried about making his shyness worse and also if I'm honest about people's opinions - my family are not supportive, they think I would be holding him back. My husband initially felt this way but after seeing the downwards spiral in his mental health he is starting to see my point. I am also anxious about outside involvement from local education etc.

Did anyone else choose home education for a similar reason or can offer any advice?

I don't think I am, I encourage him to do things on his own, even if he finds them worrying.

Focus on finding the right school, rather than avoidance. You don't need a diagnosis, but if you suspect autism, do share that with the school Senco - they understand the waiting list for CAMHS/diagnosis and will be best placed to organise the right support in the meantime. If Senco is not supportive...my advice would be to look for a different school. You (and your son) should be able to arrange a visit on a 1 to 1 basis, when the school is very quiet. Use that as a chance to talk through your sons needs and ask how the school can support. Think hard about what would help. Extra transition days? A quiet space to go to at lunchtimes or when he is feeling overwhelmed? A 'buddy' to show him round? Meeting up with other new joiners ahead of September, so they can make friends before school starts? Small things, like knowing where the loos are, getting his planner early and understanding the routine of the new school day can all really help.

Also...hard though it is to write (and to hear), if it does all go wrong when your son starts school, despite everyones' best efforts, that is powerful evidence for additional support, should you need to apply for an EHCP. And looking at the changes in legislation that may occur, I would absolutely do that sooner rather than later. Make sure you have an email trail for every contact with the school. Follow up any meeting with an email to confirm what was discussed and what was agreed. It will be useful if you need more support later.

So he is anxious, shy, struggles with transitions, doesn't like change, has sensory issues particularly around noise but nobody suspects he could possibly be autistic? To be fair school IME are not good at all good at picking up on what would have been diagnosed as Asperger's syndrome in the good old days - and lumping everyone in together under 'ASD' has allowed the bar to assessment to be raised by the NHS. We were very lucky in the postcode lottery and didn't have to go through shitty CAHMs, we were referred straight to a very experienced specialist NHS paediatrician.

I would get him assessed privately if you possibly can, but if his behaviour isn't a big problem then I would expect support to be pretty much non existent for him at secondary school. There is very little real understanding of autism in schools IME, it took me 5 years just to get DS sat at the front of his classes because he can't filter out distractions. DS coped at secondary school by making the library his second home - having a quiet space to escape was very important. Loop ear plugs might also be an option if they are helpful to him.

On helicopter parenting a leading UK expert on Asperger syndrome (Tony Attwood) said that helicopter parenting is what good parents do for children with Asperger's syndrome to enable them to cope. I was exactly the same with DS who is now working as a software engineer. So I'm glad you're not listening to clueless people on here suggesting that you are negatively impacting his mental health by being too involved and smoothing the way too much for him. He needs you to be that person.

How did the transition day go OP? Did he manage to attend?

Sorry I have only just seen this message, I was a bit scared off by being accused of being a helicopter parent so thank you for your post.

He did attend the transition days, he was extremely anxious and very upset in the mornings, when he came out he said some of the day had been ok, he liked the science lesson they did for example but he was super upset again on the second day. The behaviour of some of the kids surprised him, a bit of intimidation that he had witnessed, swearing etc and that along with the crowded corridors etc is now the main focal point of his anxiety.

We still haven’t decided what we should do in September, he gets upset and says he feels stressed every time we discuss shopping for uniforms etc.

We went to see the learning mentor before the transition days, they were sympathetic but the general impression was ‘if you are struggling, come and find me’ - it all seemed very reactive and dependent on him being brave enough to put his hand up and saying that he is struggling.

I really don’t know what to do.