Terrified of high school - should I home ed?

[MrsWhites]

My son is due to start high school in September but he is absolutely terrified at the prospect. Even the thought of transition days is causing huge meltdowns and it is starting to effect his mental health. He's having intrusive thoughts and general anxiety now as well as the panic he's feeling about actually going into the new school.

People keep telling me that worries about high school are normal but I've always worried that my son would find this transition hard, he struggles with change and has some sensory issues so I worry about how he will cope with the noisy busy environment, although I am reassuring when talking to him about it all.

I am a stay at home mum so home schooling is an option but to be honest, I am worried about making his shyness worse and also if I'm honest about people's opinions - my family are not supportive, they think I would be holding him back. My husband initially felt this way but after seeing the downwards spiral in his mental health he is starting to see my point. I am also anxious about outside involvement from local education etc.

Did anyone else choose home education for a similar reason or can offer any advice?

I should say that actually I think home ed can be a really positive move if it is working for the child and the parent but it is not the only option and a decent school can do a lot to support any anxious child and can offer a different experience. If the school are not willing to meet and discuss his needs then it is not likely to be a supportive environment for him and home ed may well work out better.

My DCs school is the same and actually it’s been better than the smaller schools. They have more experience and more in place to support students than the smaller schools. It’s so late in the year for this but a diagnosis definitely makes all the difference with DCs school. Not a plan, just the diagnosis.

granted this is anecdotal and each case is obviously different.

This is really helpful information, thanks

Its normal for some children to be more anxious about change then others.
One of mine was and is like this. We spend a lot of time reassuring them. But also encouraging them to try new things.
School being one of them.
They may love it . Obviously not in the first day or week but once they get into a routine and a bit settled they may find they like it.
You should atleast try it and see how it goes. Lots of other children will be thinking the exact same way.
Also homeschooling is very hard. Especially if you are going to take it seriously and do the national curriculum and plan on sitting the same number of gcse exams as the average student.
You also have to think if you homeschool then you can't do a lot of the stuff they can in school. You won't have the equipment or expertise.
I do fully support home education. But only if school is definitely not going to work.

There is a homeschool (home education) group on Facebook who can give you targeted advice.

Home Ed is a lovely way to live. From listening to many stories from home edders, the biggest problems arise if the student refuses to engage and wants, for example, to game all day on devices.

Can I ask if your child had a diagnosis of any SEND issues in order to get this level of support? At the moment I feel like nobody wants to take his needs seriously because they don't have to without a formal diagnosis.

Hence why I am considering paying for a private assessment.

You're obviously a loving and supportive family and this is great to hear. Having a safe, relaxing and happy home space is essential and your son is lucky to have this.

I do wonder though, could this '...bending over backwards to help him in every way possible', be part of the issue?

What steps are you actually taking to help him to build his confidence? If we were to think of confidence and resilience like a muscle that needs training, he needs both the rest and recovery (your 'home as calm space' where he can 'relax and feel safe') AND the muscle training - the stress and the hard work. Could he have some independence 'training', some situations that are difficult and stressful in short measure, then followed by the rest and recovery at home? As I suggested up thread, https://letgrow.org/ is fabulous for this sort of thing, and has lots of helpful resources.

Good luck

No, not at the time. Support should also be needs based rather than diagnosis based. Still does not have an EHCP but gets the support he needs. We were fortunate in having a choice of five different schools and we did choose the one where we thought he would get the best support.

I think the private assessment is a good idea, if the public waiting list is too long.

The diagnosis itself should be a help in getting support - whether it's autism or anxiety, it means that the school can't dismiss you as being an over-anxious parent.

Engaging with a specialist will give you insights into your child, and advice on how best to support him.

Wishing you the best, he's lucky to have such a supportive mum.

I'll have a look at that, thanks. I do get what you are saying and there possibly is an element of that, we have been encouraging things like walking home with a group of friends, going to the chip shop or subway after school, going into the shop on his own and paying himself type of thing to try and foster a bit more independence.

Is it only school which causes the anxiety or does it apply to out-of-school clubs and activities too ?

It might help to remember a child doesn’t require a diagnosis in order to meet the definition of having SEN. Someone with the needs you describe DS as having, has SEN. It is worth reading IPSEA and SOSSEN’s websites to start to learn more about the SEN system.

Personally, I wouldn’t home educate. Request a meeting with the SENCO. Contrary to what a pp said, there is support the school can provide. Ask about enhanced transition.

Although if you do home educate, it doesn’t have to mean not building resilience, independence or building in change.

Sadly, some schools don’t spot autism in some DC. I would also revisit a referral for assessment.

We had a rocky transition into secondary with my autistic ds, helped enormously by a great school that were incredibly supportive and dedicated. The fact that we had a diagnosis was also a huge help because while the school weren’t necessarily seeing the difficulties directly, they were better able to connect the dots and trusted our perceptions.

In primary they were focused on toughening the kids up for the worst version of secondary they could imagine. In 5th class (I’m in Ireland and that was the second last year of primary) the teacher was deliberately harsh with the dc, punishing them for minor mistakes like missing a question on their homework, on the basis that they would get detentions for that, and refusing to interact with parents because they wouldn’t be allowed through the door at secondary and the kids had to learn to speak up for themselves. The woman was an absolute nightmare, and literally gave ds nightmares.

We chose a really, really good school (and I recognise how lucky we were to have the choice) and that is one thing I’d encourage you to look at carefully, if you can.

But also listen to what the narratives about secondary are, and work with him to deconstruct them. This is a vital skill to learn - or at least it has been in our case. Ds is so sensitive to teacher stress and we had to work hard to manage exam anxiety because his system was being driven into overdrive by teacher stress.

I would seriously consider taking him out of primary early - I’m not sure of the logistics of that in the uk, working around school fines etc. can a gp sign him off for anxiety? I wouldn’t rush to homeschool, or take it completely off the table, but these last few weeks of madness might be better missed.

It’s not all or nothing. People will try and tell you that if you give in at all, it’s a slippery slope to school refusal but we have managed to keep ds in school by being flexible when he needed it. Our attendance drops at the end of every term in that loosely-goosey energy.

I’m so glad we held out, because ds has had brilliant experiences I couldn’t have manufactured at home. He’s a part of a community, he represents his school at events, helps transition primary kids in, and runs a lunch time club. His autism, and his struggle with school are actually considered valuable attributes.

I was that terrified child. I dreaded starting secondary school and it made me physically ill. This was the 90s and I’m sure I would have had a diagnosis these days. However, after a very rocky start I completely turned it around and ended up absolutely thriving there. Stayed on to sixth form and look back on it as one of the happiest times of my life. My parents discussed withdrawing me at the time but I’m so glad they didn’t.

My son was violently bullied because he liked ‘girl stuff’ and only ever had female friends so it was homophobic bullying and he hid it from us, even though we have a great relationship.
Had I known what he was going through I would have home schooled him as it’s changed his personality. He has no confidence now and rarely leaves the house. He is 19 now, and is still a loving wonderful son but I never, ever would have let him go through what he went through had I known. The trouble is, because of their phones, they can’t even escape it after school!
I think my son is probably gay but I think with how he was bullied it’s made him ashamed, so he hides his real personality and hasn’t had any relationships yet, either male or female so I do worry he gets lonely. It’s so sad that he feels he had to pretend to be someone else.
My son has a full time job as a carer for his elder handicapped sister who still lives at home and to be honest, is happy as a pig in shit as he gets to work from home! I’ve also employed some of his long standing female friends from school as carers for our daughter too and it’s really helping him.
he got great gcse grades but his confidence has stopped him continuing in education.
what I’m basically saying to you is protect your sons mental health at all costs ( as I’m sure you will ) . If he himself wants to be homeschooled then do it. Find other outlets for him to make new friends with like minded kids.
I wish I had as my son has very low self esteem now, even though me and his dad have always built him up and encouraged him to be who is and he has no reason from us not to be confident .
I couldn’t be more proud of him in the way he sees to all of his sisters complex medical needs that would probably make most grown men faint, but hope that someday he will find his own ‘groove’ and be able to be whoever he truly wants to be.
I really don’t think you are over the top considering home schooling at all. Good luck to both of you OP

Agree with previous posters in that you need to encourage resilience in your child. At this stage you really should be sending the message "this is life, and high school is what's happening" rather than discussing the escape route of home schooling before he even tries secondary school.
It's time to let him spread his wings and have a life separate from yours.
Home schooling at secondary school is not an easy option.
Supposing your child has a particular skill in a specialist subject like chemistry or physics or product design?
Are you rich? Do you really have the practical facilities in your house to deliver this properly? Are you going to build a lab or workshop like the ones he would have in school?
Do you have the knowledge or skills to teach this safely?
Home tutors won't have these facilities either. Your child will definitely be disadvantaged compared to his peers if you self school at secondary level.
Fast forward 5 years.
Do you want to be thought of by him as the parent who held him back and limited his opportunities through choosing home schooling?
Time to do some tough love for long term gain I think. The homeschool thing really needs to be a plan of last resort if nothing else works.
Bite the bullet,stop helicopter parenting and let him get on with it. I think you will be surprised at how quickly he adapts particularly if you stop labelling him constantly as "anxious"
You are in danger of making his lack of social integration become a self fulfilling profacy.
Step back, and give it at least a term before you approach the school saying he has issues settling in. Don't give him other options, don't look at every small set back as major issue that you need to jump in and solve for him. Let him grow up

Are you qualified to teach and will you be able to provide the full range of subjects covered by the national curriculum (either yourself or through local home ed groups or private tutors)? These are questions you need to consider rather than simply focusing on your DS's anxiety. What help is he getting (eg medication, counselling)?

You do not need to be a qualified teacher to successfully home educate, nor do you need to employ private tutors.

Just to reiterate that support in school should be based on level of need rather than any formal diagnosis. Different or existing needs may become apparent in the secondary setting

As some PP have said try to pinpoint what exactly it is he’s worried about. Often they have heard horror stories from school. Some may be realistic e.g. toilets. Look for solutions and strategies.

I was terrified of our youngest daughter starting secondary school ( very able but autistic with SPD) She was the only one from her Y6 to go to her secondary school but her older sister was already there.

She did have a statement of SEN ( EHCP) but resisted support at secondary (mainly needed in practical subjects)
Apart from some minor difficulties she absolutely loved it and had a great time. She made lots of brilliant friends.

As part of my professional role I was involved with transition for many years. Often children can “ find their tribe” in secondary school so here’s hoping.
I’d be looking at focusing on organisational and independence skills to help him to manage.

I home edded my three until they were 6th form age when they went to school/college. I agree about exploring private assessments and the support that school could give you. I do think you could also start exploring how home ed might look for you in parallel. Go on Facebook and find local groups and see if you can go along and have chats with the parents before the holidays. There are a ton of online lessons and resources you can use. Think about sports groups/ after school activities che might agree to do. Home ed should be about building resilience but at a pace that’s do-able for the individual. Don’t worry about not being a qualified teacher - there really are a lot of live on line lessons you can tap into - and there may be in person ones locally.
I found it tough putting teenagers through GCSEs because they don’t necessarily want to co-operate always but we did get there and we had a lot of fun along the way.

My son already had an autism diagnosis and EHCP before secondary transition. This gave us more choices when transition failed. A good reason not to be fobbed off in primary as DC who are not a problem to teachers tend to have their needs ignored. So often you are encouraged to wait and see until, practically in educational terms, it is too late. This may be deliberate.

We had a bespoke package which involved internet school and face to face tutors. I had to be unpaid learning support.

I believe this protected his mental health and allowed him to rejoin at 6th form. He is now at uni. Still autistic (obvs) and has support through DSA but at least his mental health is not wrecked.

You still have some choices. Transition support and fingers crossed. Private school. Private assessment. Actually private assessment should come first if you have long thought your DC was autistic. HE.

It all depends on the severity of anxiety. I think this should be your primary concern. You can’t teach resilience to autistic DC whose autistic behaviour is constantly getting them into trouble eg verbal stimming, not remaining seated, not responding to instruction etc. They are constantly punished for behaviour they can’t control. Especially with no diagnosis.

Mental health is for life.

We home educate 15 and lower and oldest was taken out of school very very similar reasons, he started to flourish and we just recently had theyearly check from education board and we're very proud that he is apparently to find he is over 2 years ahead in work over the school now and that's us only doing 3 days a week then rest is learning with all the family etc. Not everyone naturally wants to be around people and why force it that's why we are all very different. But it's worked out very well for our 4 🙂

I'm sorry but no, I won't be telling my worried and anxious child that 'this is life and you have to get on with it'. He doesn't have a 'lack of social interaction' - he attends hobbies and clubs 4 times a week.

The option of home schooling hasn't been discussed with him so he does t even know that this is being considered and I don't label him as anxious either, we tell him that this is something that lots of children feel around this change without expressing concern for how worrying his level of anxiety is.

Thanks for your post but if protecting my child's mental health means I am a helicopter parent then so be it!

Thank you everyone for your advice, it's given me lots to think about. We will look into a private assessment and I am going to speak with his new school next week when we meet with his form teacher and perhaps arrange a meeting with the senco. I was under the impression that a child needs to be formally diagnosed before we could get them involved so the tips on this thread have been really helpful.

"... if protecting my child's mental health means I am a helicopter parent then so be it!"

Could it be that by being a helicopter parent, you're affecting your child's mental health?

I certainly don't know if this is the case, and you sound like a loving and kind parent, but could it be worth thinking about it that way around too?