Is separation anxiety a good enough reason to homeschool?

[TeamSleep]

My children are young Primary. They go to a lovely school and they are doing well generally but the drop offs in the morning are awful. There can’t stand separating from me. It’s so draining I just feel like I’m slowly breaking them and myself. I don’t feel comfortable home schooling and would much rather they go to school but equally I hate sending them into school every day when they find it so hard. I do work and I enjoy working but I don’t need to for financial reasons so that makes me feel incredibly guilty for not quitting my job and home schooling. I’m so confused. Has anyone else home schooled for this reason? Someone once said to me only home school if it’s your calling and that just keeps ringing in my head.

I’m sure this is an unpopular opinion but I can’t see how home school will help with the anxiety- surely it will make it worse, when you do then have to be separated? Can you sit down with kids for a proper chat about why they are upset, or maybe talk to a teacher or counsellor about it?

No, it's not.
It sounds like your mornings are very fractious which is perhaps feeding into the anxiety cycle. Homeschooling your DC to avoid the anxiety cycle could compound it more. If the anxiety was about something else you probably wouldn't cease the activity. Changing your bedtime routine & morning routine could help lower anxiety, your dc need to learn it's safe to let you go and have coping strategies around that. Set up something where they can choose something nice when they come home and talk about it will soon be time to come home again and make the pancakes, do the jigsaw, make the ice lolly....

I'd say no. Being attached to you is not practical as much as it hurts to separate. Children should be independent, of course they want to stay with mum it's safe and natural and easy, but independent children lead to independant adults and that is the goal.

You don't want teenagers who have no social skills refusing to leave their safe space (bedrooms) and then becoming reclusive adults. Battle on OP children need to be around peers and learn that home is a place to return to, not be afraid to leave x

Have you discussed the problem with school ? Sound like they might need some support.

I’ve read that some kids find the drop off at breakfast club easier as there’s less people around.

You need to manage the drop offs with the help of the school. A friend had a similar issue when her and her husband separated and eventually the husband did all the drop offs to prevent the child getting distressed. Once they were at school they were happy and distracted and more importantly, learning amongst their peers and gaining independence as they go.

Do you know why they are getting upset? And are they happy after a while?

My DD went through an awful stage with this at one point. It wasn't actually the school that was the problem.. it was self esteem issues, worrying about friends, worrying about the work... all illogical but it was all real to her at the time (she was 8). We were considering withdrawing her when Covid hit. The six months away from school did her the world of good. She wanted to go back, and as doing very well now.

Definitely not. Separation anxiety lasts for a very short time and the kids are learning to be sociable, make friends and fit into society. If you teach them it’s OK to withdraw, they will always do it

I agree that you should only home school if you really feel it's your calling. It can be the right thing for a lot of families but not if you aren't fully sure. Talk to their teachers, talk to their head if you need to, they will want to help and can maybe provide extra support in the mornings. Don't frame it as "having a hard time", describe the worst mornings to them, they can help a lot if they are given a full picture.

Difficult. School is an artificial construct where people of the same age are all herded together. It does not suit everyone; and I do not think it is right to pathologise the child for something that maybe we should not be asking them to deal with in the first place. Some children love school; some find it hell. We have to respond according to the individual situation.

See if you can talk to the school about ‘soft starts’. Some schools over options where there are differing starts or the ability to have toast with a member of staff whilst having a chat. If you use that phrase in trying to find a solution you may find then receptive.

How are they when they are in school? My DS was me leaving him at nursery, it was awful, many a day I walked home in tears, but he was absolutely fine when he was actually in nursery and I wasn't there, I actually was allowed to see him secretly through the window and he was having a ball

Thanks all for your responses. I have spoken to the school and other external agencies with regards to my eldest and feel things are getting better there although I can tell she is just putting on a brave face and she finds it so difficult. As soon as she got better about going in my youngest started getting worse. They are fine once they get over me leaving but that can take a while. It isn’t any better when my husband does the drop off. They just want to be at home.

I do agree with this but what is the answer except to home school, which doesn’t feel right for us. I’m so confused.

Do they do any clubs, and have similar issues there?

Are you aware how many children are now missing from school because they are too anxious to attend? Far far more than ever before the pandemic.

The problem with keeping them home is it confirms that school is a scary place. It isolates them from their peers and, most of the time, limits their education.

It's is very hard to support a child who feels like this but I truly believe staying home is not the best option.

Home schilling will fuel the anxiety.
just take yr children to school, don’t say u will miss them, just say goodbye u will pick them up when they have finished.
After u collect them don’t mention missing them or ask if they have missed u.
Children need to be given opportunities to learn to deal with real life, not sheltered from it.

We took the line that child has to go to school. School would call us to pick up if they didn't settle once we had gone. It broke my heart, but my child is now doing well at school.

My youngest has sever separation anxiety and also anxiety. It is a actually condition, he's also has other issues.
You need to get as much as possible dine the night before then keep active in the morning, how do you travel to school? You need to make it as stress free and as fun as possible. No deep conversations, easy games like counting red cars if driving, adding license plate numbers, playing eye spy (if walking) hand over needs to be quick and efficient. I always timed it so he went straight in as we walked through the gate. He often rode a scooter. He's now a teenager and it's still a issue at times but easier to deal. My DS does receive counselling and they talk about his anxiety which helps but like I said he also has other conditions.
I think the last thing you should do is homeschooling. Speak to the senco and school and see if kids can go in through the office or slightly earlier/later.

I would say do what feels best for you, l cannot understand as to why our society expects one hundred per cent compliance regarding the education system that is on the verge of collapse, and has been run into the ground. It' s not the healthiest of enviroments.
It's not a sign that there is anything wrong as such with your child if they don't take to school, and just because they don't fit into the school system is no indicator of their success further on down the line.
Home schooled children are often exposed to people of all ages and have a wealth of real
life experience instead of the limited and restricted one size fits all that the school experience.
l have a deep respect for teachers, l am not bashing teachers but the antiquated educational system we have in place today. Home schooling is in no way inferior.

I had years of this OP so I feel your pain. At primary there was almost daily sad crying then at secondary it got even worse. Our drop offs were so bad that on more than one occasion other parents complained to the school about the shouting and screaming that was going on.

Main thing is to get the school on board and providing support. We stuck to the line that he would go to school every day even if he couldn't always attend lessons, we just needed to establish that each day he went in. You really need the school to support with this.

In our case this was not an easy fix and we were close to home schooling several times but I'm glad we persevered . His education wasn't affected and he is a well adjusted young man now!

For contrast we have friends who decided to homeschool and while their children are absolutely wonderful in many ways you can see that their anxiety about leaving home is still there, so it has only postponed the problem. Once you've pulled them out then I think school starts to look like a big scary place and getting them back in is hard.

I do sympathise, it's really tough seeing them upset every day.

^ this.

If you feel they would benefit from not being in school then explore your options.

I do also think you should try to establish exactly what the problem is. It may not be separation anxiety, it may be something about school. Just because they seem ok in school doesn't necessarily mean they are, they may just be holding it together as they have no other option. How old are they?

Keeping them home would only cement the anxiety surely, it will reinforce the idea that school is something to fear and that staying home is the safest option. This mentally then seeps into other areas of life and the anxiety can really take hold.
It is interesting that both children struggle - I’d look into counselling for them and continue to work with the school. Is there anyway they could let you in early so there is no hanging around outside and they can literally go straight in?

how will they ever get over separation anxiety if they are home schooled?

It seems like the anxiety is infectious. It's really unlikely that both children would have naturally had separation anxiety. presumably it started with one and the other 'learned' to be anxious.

What would happen if you walked to school with their friends? Or if someone else took them to school for you? Home schooling is absolutely not the answer unless you want reclusive children who will never leave your side.

What is the school doing? have you had Sendco advice? Can you afford to get some private help?