Is separation anxiety a good enough reason to homeschool?

[TeamSleep]

My children are young Primary. They go to a lovely school and they are doing well generally but the drop offs in the morning are awful. There can’t stand separating from me. It’s so draining I just feel like I’m slowly breaking them and myself. I don’t feel comfortable home schooling and would much rather they go to school but equally I hate sending them into school every day when they find it so hard. I do work and I enjoy working but I don’t need to for financial reasons so that makes me feel incredibly guilty for not quitting my job and home schooling. I’m so confused. Has anyone else home schooled for this reason? Someone once said to me only home school if it’s your calling and that just keeps ringing in my head.

It is perfectly possible for a child to get over anxiety if you remove them from school.

The 'separation anxiety' could be an issue to do with environment. Forcing children into an unsuitable environment doesn't cure it.

My kids have been home educated due to school being a harmful environment. It has made their lives better not worse.

My eldest who had such bad anxiety he was a school refuser now has 100% attendance at an educationally selective 6th form and is looking to achieve great grades at ALevel and to go on to university.

OP I would look into your options. Perhaps see if working with the school to drop off at a different time would make things easier, if it doesn't, and you can home educate then consider it. School is a horrible place for many kids and doesn't always result in the best educational outcomes. Taking school away does not mean that a child has to be socially isolated either, the opposite often happens.

Thanks for all your responses and suggestions. It seems the majority feeling is that home schooling is not the answer but there are a few who say it is and that’s why it’s so confusing. It’s so difficult to know what to do for the best. I don’t want to go into too much detail on here but I will take your suggestions on board and look into further help.

One of my DDs found school very hard. We moved her to a Steiner school - we were lucky there was one nearby - they laid off the academic pressure and gave her scope to develop other aspects of her skills and personality, and then gradually introduced more academic learning. She now has a MA and a flourishing career; and is a wonderful wife and mother.

I do not think that taking a child out of school and into home learning "cements" anxiety, as someone above said. It increases their confidence, as they know that they have solid support around them - parents willing to go the extra mile in recognition and acceptance of who they are.

There isn’t really any other option locally but mainstream school and the one they go to is one of the best in the area. So it seems we either push through this, homeschool or move house where there will be more schooling options. All of which are possible for us to do.

I agree!

I think moving house to access more school is a bit of a dramatic thing to do.

If the kids have separation anxiety, moving your family home and the cost of it all just go to to another school and it happens again is a total waste of time. If it was a bullying issue, different story. But you cannot move because your kids are anxious about school.

Homeschooling also, will probably make them worse. If they're at home with you all the time day and night even for school, especially as they already have separation anxiety will just make them recluse to the other children / their friends. And make it harder for when they go to secondary etc.

Keep pushing on. I know it's hard. Lots of reassurance etc. but don't make them a target of bulling if they end up being home schooling and their anxieties then get directed to something else (sleep overs, going out with friends) and they'll have zero confidence. Keep sending them to school, they will get there and realise there's nothing to be anxious about and every other child goes to school around them and is fine.

How old are the children?

When they are at school they know no one is going to do anything about them being upset so they don't bother. It's natural for children to be with their parents.

That being said unless you are fully committed to home ed there's no point in taking them out of a decent school, they might lose the space

Completely agree

I would be wondering why both children are expressing the same anxiety. Could it be learned (in the case of the younger one) as it is more unusual to have two children with similar anxieties.

Is it possible that there is some SEN e.g. high functioning ASD with PDA traits that is actually underlying the anxiety? If there is then school refusing is very common and goes hand in hand with them finding the masking school day requires very exhausting.

I would be investigating a lot more before I took them out of school as if there is SEN then it may be easier to get assessments etc. done with the support of the school. I also definitely wouldn't consider moving at this point for another school before you had absolutely got to the bottom of things or you risk increasing the anxiety. We did move for a school setting and even though it was the right decision in the longer term it was extremely unsettling for our children.

It was a good enough reason for us. We did it for several years. I researched it thoroughly, was able to be home full time, and both of mine thrived.

However, it is HARD work, you need to put in a lot of effort and be totally committed. We were lucky to do it at a time when there were many local groups and my kids forged some very good and positive friendships. We had groups for them to go to every day and took turns in tutoring them. Most of the people we shared our home ed journey with had degrees and so primary education was easy. For secondary we were able to afford tutors to support when needed

‘The problem with keeping them home is it confirms that school is a scary place. It isolates them from their peers and, most of the time, limits their education.’ In our experience this was absolutely not true. They both went back to school, when they chose to, and both have,made great new friendships in school but also have many friends still from the home ed community which they value very highly. They are both doing brilliantly at school now (secondary and 6th form) and we have been told often by their teachers that they are amazingly well rounded and grounded kids who stand out from their peers in self confidence.

It’s totally possible to home ed well, if thats what fits your child, just as school is totally great for some kids.

Home Ed is the answer if school is the problem.
Home Ed is not the answer if separation is the problem.

For my older child school was the problem. His anxiety at the door was mild but school made him miserable and its effect played out for days, we didn’t persist. It wasn’t a fit and school is optional.

My younger child has acute separation anxiety, she screamed at the door of nursery for 8 months but she settled quickly, came out happy and mostly wanted to go until we got closer to the door. Home Ed may be our choice for her but for different reasons. School would equally be a fine choice.

If a child is scared of school that should put up big red flags in the same way it would if a child is scared of going home. There is something very wrong with that school.

If a child is scared of leaving parents then that is a problem separate from school and can be worked on and will have to be eventually regardless of educational choice. Occasionally comfort with separation comes with maturity and home Ed offers the breather needed for the child to mature but often it is deeper rooted and at some point will need to be addressed.

I think there are two possible answers, which is why you are getting mixed messages.

Either

1. The children have age-appropriate, transient, separation anxiety (including "would just prefer to be at home" and "young one copying the older") as a developmental stage, in which case, it will blow over and they should persevere with school - though accommodations such as being met at the gate by a TA etc might be appropriate during this phase and it is also worth investigating for issues that might be causing an enhanced feeling of isolation at school such as bullying, friendship group politics, or the teacher moving around where people sit so they aren't with good friends etc. Similarly if there has been stress at home (parental sickness etc) that might cause insecurity, support could be offered to target worries caused by this.

OR
2) The children don't have 'separation anxiety' at all, they are school refusing due to the cumulative stress of dealing with school whilst masking special needs, and they get upset when you have to leave them for the same reason that someone who wears glasses would feel distressed at being asked to leave them at reception on the way into the office - you are like a medical aid for them, they rely on you to regulate their environment for them so that their nervous system doesn't go into panic mode. In this case, the best thing to do is home educate (you can try getting a diagnosis, then an EHCP, then getting the school to actually do the EHCP, but by the time that happens they may be traumatised and possibly unable to attend school anyway, as they'll have been stressed every day during that drawn out process).

Unfortunately only you will be able to work out which is which, as the school is overwhelmingly likely to tell you they are "fine in school" even if they aren't and tell you that it is 'just separation anxiety' in either case.

For info on the second, you can start by looking up "Missing the Mark", Dr Naomi Fisher, and info on ASD, ADHD, PDA etc. There is also an excellent Facebook group called "Not Fine In School" with others in similar situations.

I think I'd put a time limit on it and try everything I could in the mean time to help them settle. I would definitely want the school involved and start by having them arrive early and be settled in their classrooms - with a special job to do or something to keep them busy - before the other children came into the school. You could also try things like giving them a hankie with your perfume on for them to sniff if they're missing you or something of yours to keep in their coat pocket and 'look after' for you. If they have a good friend at school then perhaps you could meet up with them and they could go into school together.

How long has this been going on for? Has it come on suddenly? If not then I would also be considering whether ASD was a possibility, struggling with transitions is often an issue - how are their friendships at school? Did the go to nursery/preschool before they started school? How were they there? How are they if you're out somewhere or at the park and it's time to leave?

I would also want to talk to the teacher and the child about how they are at school, are they having any problems with the work or tests or with who they're sat next to or other children. I'd ask them what they enjoy at school and then keep reminding them of those things and being as positive about school as possible. Also do they come home straight from school or go elsewhere because you're working? You might find that if they have to go elsewhere after school that the day is just too long for them and they cope much better if you can pick them up at 3 (although I don't know how that would work with work).

No one can give you any definite answers when it comes to school vs home school though. You kids might absolutely thrive away from school, grow in confidence and completely blossom, or they might retreat completely into themselves, refuse to do any work and you could be tearing your hair out. Or they could have ASD and it not become obvious because they only stay in their home comfort zone/or they might cope much better being autistic and able to stay where they are comfortable. No one can predict what their outcome would be so I would exhaust every possible thing that could help them at school, talk to the teacher and the SENCO (but be aware that they might not be anything close to experts) and if they are still very unhappy in 3 or 6 months or whatever then seriously look at pulling them out.

The other person who might be able to help with this is an OT - I don't know how you would go about getting one involved (and there might be a long wait or you might have to pay) but they might have a lot of ideas on what might help. Might even be worth looking to see if any OT's have web pages or videos with ideas on how to handle separation anxiety.

It's confusing because people who have no understanding of home Ed are commenting. Try starting a new thread making ut clear you only want responses from those who whom home Ed . Even better post in a home Ed Facebook group,

Yes, I really think people imagine what home education would be like and this leads to unfounded speculation. If you want to know the effect that home education can have on anxious children, the people to ask are parents who have actually done it.

I have known many families where children came out of school due to anxiety. There are various causes for the anxiety. Some kids quite rationally dislike school because it is such a poor fit for them. Perhaps they find the noise and crowding overwhelming, which might indicate they have SEN, but might just be their character. Perhaps they are still not mature enough to choose to be away for long stretches from loving adults who have time for them - that too is within the normal range and does not indicate any pathology. Perhaps there are actual issues with the school such as low-level bullying, but often children aren't able to articulate this while they are in the situation because they accept that that is how school is.

Some children do have genuine separation anxiety. That doesn't mean that forcing frequent prolonged separation at an early age is the correct approach, or that they cannot get better and learn to deal with it if removed from school. Suffering teaches resignation, but it doesn't always teach resilience.

If you have your children with you much of the time, they may feel more able to separate gradually in a way which feels right to them as individuals. My eldest was an outgoing child who went on long playdates without me from the age of three, and roamed our medium-sized city alone on the bus from eight. My younger child was seldom over 20 metres away from me until she was over eight, and didn't really do solo playdates until she was 11. She's now a friendly confident teenager. She didn't need to be pushed toward independence against her will. She just needed the security of my presence for longer.

Home education doesn't have to be forever. You can try it for a year and see how you and your children get on with it. Many home educating parents do work, though usually at least one parent is only part-time. Perhaps you can find a warm childminder who can offer them a pleasant home-like environment, which they might adapt to better than school. My eldest loved going to a CM while I worked part-time. They played with the CM's kids (also home educated), went out to home ed activities, and chilled at her home.

You don't need a reason to home ed, op. Nor do you need the approval of anyone on here, most of whom will be clueless about home ed giving ill informed opinion based on incorrect stereotypes.

So, the question should be do you as a family want to home ed? It's a huge lifestyle change that will have ramifications for you all - whether those are good or bad depends on all of you. It can be a wonderful experience for the whole family but doesn't always work out that way. If you want to know more connect with home ed groups on FB, there you will find a wide range on knowledgeable people.

If your heart isn't in home ed, then I guess you need to find a way to make school work. That's not something I have experience, so I won't pontificate other than to offer sympathy, it sounds tough for all of you.

Lastly to those that suggest home ed will compound separation anxiety - utter tosh. Children separate from their parents when they feel secure enough to do so. Separating a child from their caregiver before they are ready is what causes separation anxiety. The OPs children sound like they are at the needier end of the scale so it will take longer, perhaps a year or two of home ed would give them the confidence they need.

I think this could be true - “Perhaps they are still not mature enough to choose to be away for long stretches from loving adults who have time for them” they often say the reason they don’t like school/don’t feel safe at school is because teachers don’t care or pay them any attention.

This too struck a chord with me - “you are like a medical aid for them, they rely on you to regulate their environment for them so that their nervous system doesn't go into panic mode.”

They are years 1&3 for those who asked. I was a SAHM when they were little but I went back to work just before youngest started school, I work from home within school hours and term time. They both went to pre school from age 3, eldest very sociable and loved pre school and never minded being left until she started school. Youngest is very shy (selective mute) and hated being left at pre school and school.

They loved the lockdowns and getting to be at home all the time. I found it very difficult home schooling my eldest during lockdowns, youngest was pre school age so never had to home school her but it would have been impossible. This is why I don’t think I’d cope with home schooling. It is so difficult to get them to do anything structured. If I home schooled them I imagine they’d just stay in their pyjamas all day and play and I’d be in the corner tearing my hair out that they’re not learning anything.

I kept my twins at home for reception year as they got severe separation anxiety. We had a nice relaxed year at home, joined home ed groups and went on trips etc.

They started school in year 1, totally happy to leave me. They loved school.

They're 18 now, went to boarding school for 6th form, now at uni. Very independent.

You could home educate. It doesn't have to be forever.

This is why I don’t think I’d cope with home schooling. It is so difficult to get them to do anything structured. If I home schooled them I imagine they’d just stay in their pyjamas all day and play and I’d be in the corner tearing my hair out that they’re not learning anything.

I think that this nis a fear for many who are thinking about Home Ed. There are facebook groups and websites like Education Otherwise where you can get advice as to how to avoid this, and link-ups so that education can be shared with others.

I found it very difficult home schooling my eldest during lockdowns, youngest was pre school age so never had to home school her but it would have been impossible. This is why I don’t think I’d cope with home schooling. It is so difficult to get them to do anything structured.

You might explore other approaches to education besides the formal one. We have never done anything resembling school-style "work" except when the children asked for it. They are now 23 and 16 and got a good education this way. The eldest tried school briefly aged ten and was not behind. What they'd learned was different from what their classmates had learned, but not less. My eldest is now doing very well at university, never having been made to sit and do a worksheet in the previous years of home education. Self-directed education - in which children decide for themselves what, how, and when to learn - is fairly popular within the home ed community, especially for younger children. They can learn through play, discussions with you and other people, sharing books with you, watching documentaries.

Most kids love outings. If you get a wobble and wonder whether they are learning enough, I recommend going to a museum or other interesting local site. Getting children out and about is something schools would love to do more of because it has such an impact on kids. Unfortunately they are restricted by practical considerations such as getting an adequate staff-to-child ratio, paying for coach travel, planning ahead and getting permission slips signed, ensuring all the children go round the museum or zoo in groups rather than wandering to look at what interests them, and documenting their learning in order to justify time spent away from the classroom. It's much easier for home ed families, so make the most of that freedom!

No. It will foster co-dependancy rather than helping them become independent.

The ultimate focus of parenting is to help your kids learn independence step by step.

Keeping them at home will only reinforce the anxiety, and isn't dealing with the problem.

Its just about the worst reason to consider home schooling.

🤣 God forbid small children should be dependent on their parents.

The children want to stay at home with their mum - your rationale is that this will make them more anxious - how?

The focus of parenting is to help your kids learn independence bit by bit - agreed, the key being bit by bit. They're not ready to be away from mum all day every day.

Did you give this much thought before you rattled off a non- sensical reply?

I wouldn't home school in your shoes. You don't want to. I think it's the sort of thing you don't want to go into half heartedly. They'll get used to it.

They'll get used to it!! Cold shower, stiff upper lip! Jeez - the way we treat our children beggars belief.

School is not a given - it is something that the adult world imposes on them and expects them all to adapt to whatever the personal cost.